you guys, it's been a complete honor to be here in new york performing. thank you, very much. give yourselves a round of applause. thank you, so-so much for being here. [applause] thank you. people always come up to comics after shows and they ask the same stupid questions every single time-- happens every time. people always come up to me after a show and they go, "michael, that was great-- "you know, i like your jacket. "you have a nice watch-- "good jeans, soft eyes. "good smile-- i like your haircut-- nice jawbone. "you have broad shoulders. "you seem like the kind of guy who gets it. "i bet you're a good bowler. "i bet you could refurbish your own furniture "and you make things out of hemp. "you can talk to animals and mount a horse. "i bet you could give a good massage "and you understand the stock market. "i bet you speak latin." and they always ask me this question, "are you gay? "honestly, michael, are you gay?" this is the question i get the most from most people, "am i gay?" i'm not gay-- i don't care if people are gay.

doesn't bother me. i don't think it necessarily makes me gay, that i would have sex with justin timberlake one time. [audience laughing] that doesn't make me gay. when he sings "cry me a river" i feel like he's singing it to me. i would have sex with justin timberlake and tom brady. it doesn't make me gay-- george clooney. justin timberlake, tom brady, george clooney. doesn't make me gay that i may have made a list of men i wanna have sex with-- i don't care. [audience laughing] david beckham, uh, joe biden. i wanna [deleted] the vice president of the united states of america. [audience laughing] the shamwow guy. i wanna have hardcore sex with the shamwow guy. clean up's easy-- think about that-- it's right there. uh, my third grade teacher mr. yeager, uh, that guy. [audience laughing] uh... detroit redwings, uh, alf. [audience laughing] rosie o'donnell, i've always wanted to bang him. [audience laughing]

roger federer and lastly comedian, michael kosta. thank you, very, very much! you guys have been awesome! [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: bam! welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. we've got a good one for you tonight, ladies and gentlemen. i am particularly excited about this, the head coach of the new york football giants, tom

coughlin is joining us later. we're very excited about that. [cheers and applause] he is a good and decent man who should in no way lower himself to appear on a program like this but we're excited he has. first of all, you know yesterday senator rand paul embarked on a filibuster to draw attention to the issue of executive branch's seemingly unchecked power to use drones on american soil. the libertarian senator spoke for 12 hours for theified only by the occasional nougat filled government handout. [ laughter ] and brief respit thanks to like-minded senators who share his commitment to checking executive power. wait a minute, is that mitch mcconnell? >> first let me thank him for his courage and conviction, the administration should answer a question does the administration

take the view that a drone stroke against a u.s. zen on u.s. soil would be an appropriate use of that weapon. >> jon: simmer down turtle man. [ laughter ] i don't think drone strikes -- [laughter] er? [laughter] let me tell you something about the other senators. the other senators are reetionent additions to the senate so i don't mind them jumping into paul's filibuster but you don't get to jump in on the concern that the executive branch might be trampling the criewtion train. as i remember the habeas corpus see if you can get the president to sign off on wiretapping i believe your response to that was -- yeah. [ laughter ] back to senator paul, it was a

thoroughly entertaining display of moral fortitude which sadly come to an end that all filibusters must. >> i would go for another 12 hours to broke storm's record but there are limits to filibustering and i'm going have to take care of one of those in a few minutes here. [ laughter ] >> jon: i can't believe this guy can't go 12 hours without masturbating. that's unbelievable -- what is that? what? oh, he's talking about urination. me too. on to the main story pope benedict 16th bake an expope after reluctantly giving up custody of his baby -- not my baby. thus beginning the race to become the next pontiff. >> any male catholic can be

elected pope. [ laughter ] >> jon: any male catholic, huh? i know a male catholic who has an inside track on infallibility, the question is would o'reilly accept the demotion? [laughter] who are we kidding? they are going to pick one of the cardinals who who do you have? >> cardinal scola of milan an italian front runner and cardinal tagly of the philippines. at 55 he is one of youngest on the list. he looked a bit like a boy scout as he helped an elderly cardinal go in. >> jon:. >> jon: what could be more wholesome than that? any other candidate? >> cardinal from argentina saying the church needs needs ta better job reaching out to women. >> jon: want to reach out to

women? maybe consider one of them for pope? oh, too much? how about for cardinal? no bishop? [laughter] priest? [laughter] good luck with that outreach. [ laughter ] with more on the new slight of hopefuls senior vatican correspondent aasif mandvi. thank you for joining us. you are at the vatican right now. it's an exciting time to be at the vatican. what is the mood like there in rome? are people excited? >> jon, the campaign is heating up. you can't swing one of those smoking things on a chain. >> jon: it's a sensor. >> i'm sure they have smoke detectors. >> jon: no, no. >> you can't swing one without hitting one of candidates. the airwaves are flooding. >> leonardo said he is infallible but last week he picked bradley cooper in the

oscar pool. bradley cooper, leonardo wrong about bradley cooper wrong for the vatican. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> jon: i have to say, seems weird in a campaign for pope that the campaign would go negative. however superficial. >> sorry, you want substance, bagel with your schmerar? >> mark claims he supports the first council, can he previous he is free of hearsey? beware of him? he's a threat to the monophocite. >> jon: i'm not sure i understand that one. >> the question is to the doctrine. the affirmation of divineity and humanity of jesus christ. jon, duh? >> >> jon: you didn't know the name of smoke signal?

>> i'll have more after they do -- what is that the cracker and juice ceremony. >> jon: it's called communion. >> communion, joe mcheal's show? if you say -- joel mchale's show? of course. >> jon: aasif mandvi, everybody. who gets to vote for the new pope and where do they do it? it's been set in stone for centuries but the process is still a mystery. >> the cardinals of church will meet behind the locked doors of sistine chap toll elect a pope. in that process known as a conclave. >> conclave in latin means with key. >> jon: okay. that doesn't help. to shed light on the ritual we go to samantha bee also in rome. [cheers and applause]

i don't know if you ran into assif but you are both there. >> it's weird. >> jon: it is weird. the cord naves are gathering it's known as the conclave. >> no, conclave is latin for with key. weren't you listening? it describes the closed door meeting. >> jon: what is the group called a congress? a minion? >> no, i think you are thinking of geese. [ laughter ] >> jon: jews, actually but fine, whatever. >> no, no, no, the collective noun for a group of catholic cardinals is say grope. >> jon: a grope of -- wait a what? >> a grope. yes, correct a grope of cardinals. [laughter] >> jon: the group of cardinals they gather in the sistine. >> chapel, yes for a molestation. >> jon: say that again. >> a molestation. it's the it will liturgical

name. after the pope died the motionation lasted three years after 1968. >> jon: long molestation, longest on record. they can't end until.cardinals reach a felatio. >> jon: what? >> the oral concensus on who the pope will be. they just did this eight years ago. you forgot this? >> jon: those terms are. the grope of cardinals has a molestation until a arrive at felatio which they'll anowns how? >> with white smoke rising from the chimney. [ laughter ] >> jon: what is called? ejackation? -- what is that called, i suppose you'll tell me an ejaculation? >> no, that's a short prayer meant to memorized and repeated throughout the day.

>> jon: is that for real? >> that one is 100% for real. if you google catholic ejaculation you'll get that result eventually. >> jon: really? >> i swear to god, jon. if you don't mind, i need an ejaculation of my own right now. >> jon: thank you.

>> jon: welcome back. now, gun violence is rampart in america but only now is it becoming clear how widespread the problem is. >> a florida man shot in the leg

and the shooter was not arrested. the mate be cause he was shot in the leg by his dog. -- it may be because the man was shot in the leg by his dog. >> jon: of course in florida the dog claimed he was standing his ground. a dog shot a man and got off scott free. i guess it was a purr-fect. no. that doesn't. >> the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is it a good guy with a gun. >> jon: so if we extrapolate to this case, i can only assume that the only way to stop a bad dog with a gun is a good dog with a gun. who is a good boy? [laughter] but even that won't completely solve this issue. >> cooking breakfast proves very dangerous for a florida woman. she decided to preheat a friend's oven on monday so she

could make waffles. little did she know the friend was keeping gun ammo in the stove. whit heated up it exploded spraying the woman with bullets and casing fragments. believe it or not, she wasn't seriously injured. [ laughter ] >> jon: who in their right mind using their oven to make waffles? [laughter] why wouldn't you use your waffle iron? [laughter] and if you are going to use your oven to make waffles, wouldn't you check to see if the oven was loaded? [laughter] folks, it's clear this problem sought of control. laugh rav -- it's clear this problem is out of control. and the government can't help. but i know one crime fighting duo that happen to be perfectly suited to protect america from this surge in dogs and appliance violence. >> in a city where bad dogs and

appliances are out of control. >> spraying the woman with bullets. >> only two cops can stop the madness [barking] ♪ but sometimes to enforce the rules, you've got to break them. >> you are a loose cannon dog and oven. $40 million worth of property damage, ten dead and dump on the mayor's rug schnur off the force. turn in your bag. pie is not going to cut it this time (bleep). what is that? a golden retriever and a toaster oven have taken hostages. looks like you clowns got one more chance. go get 'em, dogs! what the (bleep) are you waiting for? go. [horns honking] [tiring screeching]

♪ [barking] ♪ [guns firing] ♪ >> looks like i was wrong about you dog and oven. you are a good cop. who is say good cop. >> dog and oven tuesdays at 9:00. >> dammit you burned me again! >> jon: we'll be right b

>> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight the head coach for the new york football giants his new book is called "earn the right to win." please we welcome to the program tom coughlin. sir -- [cheers and applause] nice to see you. have a seat. nice to see you. >> great crowd. >> jon: congratulations on all your suck senches appreciate that, jon different on all your success. >> appreciate that, jon. >> jon: the book is called "earn the right to win." you are a head football coach your job is to motivate, on the pro level, guys making millions of dollars, used to be treated a steup star. how do you motivate them?

>> it's a process, there's no question about that players want -- at every level they want to learn. they want to be the best they can. they want to be coached. they have tremendous incentive obviously. the national football league is the greatest players in the world. motivation is a process was pride first and setting goals and attacking those goals. once the season starts you start with your division, you start with your 16 game schedule but it's a weekly process we call it earning right to win. >> jon: how do you get the guys to buy in. you are like this is about preparation, guys? i don't feel like preparing. >> that happens a couple of times. once in a while but you have to have your finger on the pulse of football team. you surround yourself in a

situation. >> jon: what do you do if a bad football player marries into your snam do you have to play them for the sake of thanksgiving? >> he doesn't get in the family if he is a bad football player. >> jon: smart. you have to set rules. >> lay it out. >> jon: what strikes me is it really is applicable in any -- you talk about structure. i thought, we run a stupid show, writing a bunch of jokes but without structure we're lost. the same thing in terms of your preparation, yes? >> absolutely. we call it earning right to win. you have to have organization, motivation, you have to be able to communicate. you have to have all of these things. that's why it's not a football book it's a book about life. >> jon: you are thinking about everything. it's down to the shade patterns at the stadium as the sun is going -- >> right. >> jon: you are calculating, preparing down to where the sun

may set at certain times in the day. >> certain times in of the day. >> jon: for your team. >> for your team to know where would you like to be. talking to the special teams about the wind, how are the kickers? how are they kicking and performing into the wind? against the wind? do we want the receivers looking into sun or the db's looking into the sun? at what point in the game? all those things are calculated. >> jon: do all teams prepare in that matter? the knock on certain teams, last two minutes of the game, surprising things happen and you see the other team looking around and they have to blow a couple of timeouts. they forget what is going on, they don't have time to call another play. if you don't prepare like that, is that in the crunch time areas of the game snl. >> that's what you prepare for all of these situations. why you have structure is so you can handle them. why you have leadership, why you drill. why it's important for them to

be successful. we're the number one team in the league this year in the two-minute drill and it's not by accident. >> jon: are you worried that the other coaches might think to himself that guy coughlin has won a couple super bowls. let me look at that real quick. preparation. >> interesting, huh. >> jon: do you keep the secrets? are there special sauce ingredients you are not laying out there? >> those thoughts are at another level. this is how to do it, if will you and how to be the best you can be. >> talent, evaluation, all that. i could thread book. i could prepare -- i could read this book. i could prepare and figure out the angel of the sun but i obviously have osteoporosis and i would not. chris and other ball players, for me, i still may have trouble getting open. >> that's it. >> jon: how important is the

key positions. you have eli manning quarterbacking the offense. great guys like blackburn and michael strahan, how important is it for each of the units on a football tomorrow to also have lead years long with the head coach? >> very important, very, very important. what we started a couple years ago is what we called a leadership count. we had michael strahan, eli manning, players from each position. i wanted these players to take my message and go to the individual meeting rooms, the offensive line, defensive line, the quarterback. >> jon: people don't realize the amount of study that goes into football. it's incredible. >> jon: strahan is blowing up as a performer. was his personality evident like that? >> it's a magnetic personality, a leader. what he accomplishes and does -- nothing surprise me with michael strahan. >> jon: are you excited about the season come up?

>> i am. >> jon: how -- i went to one live football game. i brought my son and we were lucky enough to go to the locker room and you were giving a speech. how long did it take to you give a motivational speech to people in their underwear. >> a number of years. >> jon: you were like guys gotta stay focused and you're like, -- >> we got 52 points that day. >> jon: i helped by turning my beer bottle the right way. it was very important. >> the sun angle was big. >> jon: it's a pleasure sir. i've been a fan of the team since the 19 60's. you've done an incredible job. it's an incredible organization. thank you so much. earn the right to win it's right here. tom coughlin. get it now and go see a nice game. you know -- rs andeers and