ouch! come to papa. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, john leguizamo!

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> john: yo, yo, yo! what's up! what's up! welcome to "the daily show." leguizamo here in the house! [cheers and applause] it's my third night behind the desk and i've been getting some great feedback so far. i mean, mostly from my mom. so i asked her what she thought of the show last night and she was like, "i'm sorry, i fell asleep after "wheel of fortune. but i'm sure you are great, m mijo." we've got a great show tonight,

so let's get into the headlines. [cheers and applause] let's kick things off with some sports. the nfl has announced that it will allow its players to put the number zero on their jerseys next season for the first time ever. meanwhile, the jets announced that they'll put zero on the scoreboard for the 40th season in a row. hey! hey! [applause] seriously, i think this is a great way for football players to celebrate the amount of brain cells they'll have left when they retire. i know, that's so [bleep] up. but it's true! okay, let's move on to some international news. >> overseas, a dutch man is getting legal action for allegedly fathering at least 550 children. the 41-year-old is a sperm donor. he's accused of lying about the number of kids he's fathered through sperm banks violating agreements. limits are placed on donors to protect children's health. it's unclear what legal ramifications he could face.

>> john: holy shit! he donated enough sperm for 550 kids? god damn, dude, save something for the shower, bro! what? but in this guy's defense, when you're this cool, you have an obligation to procreate. i mean, who wouldn't want to get knocked up by this sperm? but still, though, this is going to make for some awkward conversations. "mommy, what's my biological father like?" "honey, all i know about him is, he loved to jack off. night, night, honey!" let's move on to wisconsin. they're about to have an election for the state supreme court that's hugely important,

and not just there, but for the whole goddamn country. and it's a little complicated to explain why in a short time, but fortunately, i'm a latino new yorker and i can talk very fast. [cheers and applause] all right, i know you are with me. i know you are with me. [cheers and applause] all right. so let me break it down for you in my new segment: "a new york minute." hit the clock! okay, here's what that steak. one: abortion. when roe versus wade was overturned, wisconsin automatically went to strict antiabortion law from 1849. that's so long ago! you know what the number one movie was in 1849? nothing! they weren't invented yet! if the liberal wins, she can abort that lot! two, gerrymandering. republicans have permanently strolled on the state legislature. a liberal judge could fit that shit. it is more technical than that but i do have to [bleep] time to explain it. three, donald trump --

[buzzer] shit! [cheers and applause] just vote. okay? and finally, let's move on to the major news about the arrest of donald trump. which is that... [cheers and applause] trump still has not been arrested. but don't worry. because there's still 50 other investigations going on into trump, and one of them is about to feature a surprise witness. >> in a major ruling, a federal judge has ordered former vice president mike pence to testify before a grand jury about former president trump. pence has been ordered to give testimony in the special counsel investigation of trump's attempts to overturn the 2020 presidential election. the judge ruled private exchanges between trump and pence are not off limits. prosecutors are focused on conversations the two men had on january 6th and also in the days leading up to the capitol attack. >> the conversations before january 6th when donald trump

and mike pence were on the phone, one-on-one, and donald trump apparently was berating him, calling him names, that sort of thing in this criminal investigation. he is gonna have to share that. >> john: oh, come on, man, don't make pence say all the names that trump called him! yo, that could take weeks. these jury members have families to go home to. although as a viewer, it's something i'd like to see, actually. "president trump brought me into his office and called me a little mashed potato boy, a jerk-off for jesus, a silver-haired baby-bitch. he called me the white mitt romney -- i don't even know what that means. he said if i didn't overturn the election he would, uh, how

would i put this: make love to me in the hole where the poo-poo comes out. [cheers and applause] now for more on this story, we go live to the courthouse and roy wood jr. [cheers and applause] roy, what do you think about pence having to testify against trump? >> i think it is about to be the brightest trial of all time. you got mike prince, you got donald trump, this is going to be whiter than the gwyneth paltrow case. and that case has snow, skiing, and gwyneth paltrow! >> john: that's a good point. it seems like pence really doesn't want to testify. >> of course he doesn't. trump supporters are going to try to kill him again.

and some of those supporters are women, so mike pence is double scared. according to his beliefs, if you get killed by a woman, you go to super hell. they don't even give you bathroom breaks in super hell. >> john: it's almost like an amazon warehouse. [audience reacts] >> there is a way out for mike pence, there is a way for donald trump, but neither one are going to like it. if pence doesn't want to testify against trump, then trump and pence got to get married. >> john: weight? [cheers and applause] what? wait, wait, wait up. what are you talking about, married? >> i'm talking about the law, john! you don't have to testify about your spouse. i know what i'm talking about, i watch all the "law & order"s, even the bad spin-offs. >> john: okay, okay, but still, how can they be married? they hate each other! >> all married people hate each

other. it's not like hating your spouse would be a big adjustment for trump. melania would lock him down the aisle himself. "who presents his men for marriage? me do, melania." and also, let's just be real about this, john, trump and pence get married, they might just end up hitting it off. maybe they fall in love, maybe the adopt a child together. the kid grows up to be the whitest kid history. a kid so white he can gentrify a building just by touching it. i'm talking about super white. i'm talking about a kid so white that he doesn't even go to coachella, he just summons coachella around him. >> john: focus, focus, please,

my brother. sorry, man, i'm sorry, it is also white. all these white ass kids. i got to go, i need to do something black just to rebalance myself. hey! can someone deny me a bank loan! how are you doing, sir? hey! [cheers and applause] >> john: thank you, roy! roy wood jr., everybody. [cheers and applause] all right, when we come back, i'm gonna hit the streets of new york city. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

(baby babbles quietly) - shh. shh. shh. so hungry. - the usual? - yes. (phone clicks) (positive winning music) - [narrator whispering] go for grubhub. (triumphant music) (baby sighs quietly)

♪♪ uhhhhhhh! wait just - i'll get it back in a second. try turning it on and off. i just got a spoiler! ♪ suspenseful music ♪ sfx: [crunch] battery! tostitos® hearty dippers™. anyone have a charger? ozzy, are you going to help me pack these boxes or what? we've got a flight to england! hang on, sharon. i want to plug in my playstation vr2. is that a friendly dinosaur? (roaring) oh my god! what the... (screeching) (screaming) oh, no! sharon! rated "t" for teen. (laughing) this is amazing! electronic voice: playstation.

[cheers and applause] >> john: welcome back to "the daily show." you know, one thing i love doing is educating people about new york's latino culture. [cheers and applause] that's right. so i went on the street to do just that. but things didn't go quite as i planned. yo, yo, what's up? i'm out here on the streets of new york city and i'm doing a latinx iq test. what's your name? >> i'm kendall. >> john: where you from? here's a simple latinx iq test. can you point where the dominican republic is?

down here? >> john: sorry! you don't know. next? what is your name? >> d.j. >> john: where you from? >> the bronx. >> john: here is a simple latinx iq test. can you tell me where puerto rico is that? >> puerto rico. >> john: yep. >> somewhere on this map. >> john: that's a good start. what is your name? where you from? >> new york city. >> john: can you tell me where that i make interpublic's -- >> are you john leguizamo? do you know who this is? it is john leguizamo. he did the boys have said in "ice age." you love those movies. >> can you do that voice, please? >> john: i would love to but i -- >> john: >> i want to hear sid. >> john: i appreciate you, thanks for being fans. >> can you point where the dominican republic is? >> john: what is your name? where are you from? >> london. >> john: can you tell me, where is haiti and the dominican republic?

>> oh, haiti, right? >> john: that's a good start. [buzzer] this will be a simple latinx iq test. can you tell me where guatemala is? >> guatemala. my father lives in belize. it is in central america. and guatemala is... there! >> john: yes! what is your name? where are you from? >> midtown. >> john: midtown, nice. can you tell me where puerto rico is? >> yeah. [buzzer] >> john: you think that mexico is puerto rico? got to be serious. >> hey, do the voice? >> john: where is your mom at? >> don't worry about her, do the voice. >> do that voice. do sid. >> john: guys, guys, ease up. in the middle of something. >> hey, everyone, this is sid! he is the voice of sid!

>> du! voice! >> john: i'm not doing the voice, okay? can you just leave us alone? ♪ ♪ [screams] ♪ ♪ do it! >> do it! >> john: think god, officer, these kids, they are trying to attack me. they want you to do this sid voice. please, help me! >> come on, kids. ♪ ♪ >> j>> john: oh, shit. >> these kids. >> john: hell, yeah. >> all right, kids, break it up, leave john leguizamo alone.

>> get him! >> hey, hey, hey! hey! [coughs] >> john: no, no, no. please! don't hurt me! >> do their voice, mr. leguizam. >> just give them what they w want. ♪ ♪ >> john: okay. okay. i can do the voice. "hey, kids, i'm sid no sloth. i help an asteroid doesn't hit us! >> yeah! [cheers and applause] >> thanks, mr.! >> john: thank you. >> now do bruno.

[cheers and applause] >> john: all right, all right! stay tuned because when we come back, princess nokia will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

how would you describe chipotle food? i say real because we cut it all fresh every day and i think, for me, that makes food real. we do it by hand. so. it's real. that's all you gotta know.

[cheers and applause] >> john: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is the queen of the new york underground. a rapper, songwriter, and actor. her new ep is called "i love you but this is goodbye." please welcome princess nokia! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ sit down, please! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ look at that reception! they love you! [cheers and applause] yeah! yeah!

now you are a multihyphenate, a singer, actor, producer, director. >> bullshitter. >> john: isn't the idea of being very successful to have to work less? >> yes. some would say, working harder not smarter. i am a multihyphenate, i have done so many things, musician, actress, comedian, director, songwriter. >> john: what drives all that? >> creativity. the need to want to express myself, taking boredom and they say idleness is the devil's playground and i don't want to be in the devil's playground. i want to have fun. >> john: your work is so powerful. we are both street kids. >> yes, we are. >> john: i went to the new york city public school system. [cheers and applause] how do you use your streetness

and your lens of the latinidad to do your storytelling? >> i was really fortunate to grow up in an extremely vivid cultural upbringing, you know, being afro-indigenous was what i was supposed to do on the weekend. when my girlfriends were playing double dutch and hanging, i was at pow-wows, just, like, i loved my upbringing. but it's funny because, you know, there's so many intersections of my childhood, and there is the public school, you know, being in jefferson park with my friends and then there was the times when i didn't connect with my friends, didn't have to have sneakers or be wearing lip gloss, that i had to go to ceremonies or do —- go to the u.n. to do a performance. [laughs] something of the sort. but i am very protective. i was taught to fight with my words and my hands. >> john: oh, yeah. >> and be vivacious, and be protective , and i am protective of myself and my loved ones.

>> john: that comes out in you work, i'm such a big fan of your work. i feel like i see myself in you. it revitalizes me as an older artist, seeing, like, the young latinas that have such self-worth and strength and vivacity and not afraid of their power and strength. [cheers and applause] yeah. >> [laughs] i was telling john -- to the crowd, i was telling john earlier, that he is one of my biggest inspirations, him and martin lawrence. >> john: [laughs] >> that created my identity. [cheers and applause] >> john: i feel like martin lawrence. we are about the same height. we are both short kings. [laughter] >> yeah, i watched "freak" "sexaholic," "ghetto clown." >> john: they let you watch that inappropriate crap? >> they allowed me to watch. it was our household thing.

we saw you and we saw ourselves. [cheers and applause] >> john: that is beautiful, thanks. thank you, thank you for that. [cheers and applause] i mean, when i wrote my stuff, i wanted to write it for all the young latino kids that weren't seeing themselves and they felt invisible and i wanted them to feel like i saw them. that is why i wrote it. now you got your new ep coming out, right? >> it's already out. >> john: oh, it's already out. >> that's okay, everything is misinformed. [laughs] >> john: this is about love. >> how many rumors have you heard about me? [laughter] >> john: this is about love. this is the first time you are talking about love? you've never been this vulnerable before. >> no. >> john: why now? >> it was the time. i always speak from my heart, always speak from personal experience. "1992" covers my life as a child growing up and the intersections of my life, from childhood to adult, you know,

my love for rock music, "everything is beautiful" is a neo-soul jazz album with r&b, "everything sucks" kind of had an icp affect to it. it was a little more fun. and this, i stripped it down. i wanted to -- i always say when i sing, i'm happy and when i sing i am sad. when i got the blues, i sing. so i got the blues and i was going to get married in that dress and i didn't. and i like using -- no, it's okay. it's okay, like, i am a young woman. and i said this to billboard and the insider, everyone is so used to me being the rapper, the strong woman, the soup thrower, you know, the voice of a generation, but no one has ever heard me -- and i have never allowed myself to be that vulnerable. i don't talk about my personal life online. so no one would know who i am dating, no one knows who i'm talking about, it's no one i have ever posted publicly. so someone could have an idea and they completely have no idea what is going on. so i put all of these intricate

things about a failed relationship, but the take away of the project is really that that person was -- excuse me. that person allowed me to feel love. they allowed me to feel a little something. i hadn't felt, i hadn't dated in, like, five years. >> john: wow. >> i think i just hooked up with my childhood sweetheart and we had a love tunnel, it was fabulous. it was hot and sexy and scary. [laughter] it was scary. then we were going to get married and was going to be amazing and then i left because it didn't serve me, didn't serve my higher purpose, i spoke to god and god said get your ass out there. and i said, okay. i tell him, he's listened to the music, he loves the project, we are still good friends. >> john: that's beautiful. love you. thank you for coming! "i love you but this is goodbye" is available now.

okay. we are going to take a quick break. we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] >> john: well, that's our show for tonight. but before we go, please consider supporting the fresh air fund. they provide free outdoor summer experiences for children from new york city's underserved communities. and i was one of them. they took my brother and me and my cousin and it was life-changing. if you can come i really appreciate you donate to them at the link below. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> possibly to be seen from united states. >> your nets will become one-sided. >> i think it was uranus. >> uranus is hard to see without ♪ ♪ >> when you need to battle the winds of avarice while returning a lamp to home goods. >> announcer: tonight on "tooning out the news," the conservative hot take asks the daily show's roy wood junior if he is going to keep his white house correspondents' dinner pg enough to