le when two men intertwine their penises, like the snakes on the medic alert bracelet? is it called red vining? is it called red vining? we heard it was called red vining. angela: people red vine. where are gay men's vaginas? they don't have vaginas. what? oh. they're just regular men. when two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis? wow. [cheers and applause] >> from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news! this is "the daily show"! with your host, desus nice! [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> desus: welcome to "the daily show," my name is what? >> desus! >> desus: thank you. unfortunately, it's my last night hosting. i know, i know. but it's been an awesome week. my biggest his appointment as i wasn't able to mention the bronx 144,000 times. i was hoping for more. so one last time! anyway, we got a great show for you tonight so let's get into some headlines! [cheers and applause] let's kick things off with a supreme court justice who has accepted more gifts than make-a-wish kids.

clarence thomas! every day there's a new story about thomas accepting lavish gifts from his rich-ass friends and not reporting any of it. now he's in more hot water because somebody bought him a jacuzzi. just kidding, it was an rv. >> clarence thomas has been an rv evangelist for decades, traveling the country in a 40-foot luxury motor coach that he purchased in 1999 after borrowing more than a quarter of a million dollars from a wealthy friend. but a new report from democrats on the senate finance committee alleges thomas' friend forgave a substantial amount of that massive loan. and nine years later, his friend forgave all the debts. the irs considers debt forgiveness as a form of income but thomas never reported it on his financial disclosure forms, a likely violation of federal ethics rules. and he never reported it on his tax return, potentially owing money to the irs.

this longtime friend anthony welter who long-term that money, he is defending this arrangement saying "i loaned a friend money. of with all been on one side or the other of that equation." >> desus: no we have not! [laughter] i've never had a friend just give me, i don't know, $250,000! last week i bummed a cigarette for my guy tommy, he sent me a vinyl request. i do have a question for clearance of hospice rich friend. do you want to hang sometime? let's catch a knicks game, i've got courtside seats if you pay for them! but loki i'm disappointed in clarence. if you're going to take a bribe, should be extravagantly gold bars and diamonds. this is depressing. you banned abortion because you want someone else to let you drive a bus? also, they said that driving rvs is clarence thomas about just everything the world. look at that man's face.

this is what clarence thomas looks like when he's happy? "i'm enjoying this. hooray." let's move onto a condition plaguing america's schools. softness. >> data collected by the cdc finds roughly 40% of public schools say they deal with instances of bullying every day or at least once a week, although it may be lower in new york schools. according to a new study, new york ranks 39th out of 48 states for bullying prevalence in schools. >> desus: damn... new york is not even number one in bullying anymore? we invented bullying! how did we get so soft! our state motto used to be "i'm going to see your ass at 3:00!" yeah. it's my last night, let's go, let's go!

[cheers and applause] need bullies! getting bullied motivates nerds to make billions of dollars. if jeff basals had fun in high school would stop to go to a strip mall to buy socks. and i know some of you are going "this story is not funny, my kid got bullied." i mean, i can see where they get it from. shit. and finally, let's talk about dating. fellas, you got big plans this weekend, taking a lady on a first date? guess what? no matter where you're going, it's already terrible already terrible. >> a list of on acceptable places to take a woman on a first date is going viral and social media and its leading men stomped on where else to go. on the list, cheesecake factory took number one followed by the olive garden, chipotle, and chili's. but other places mentioned include movies, the gym, coffee and ice cream dates, and a bar for drinks. clubs and hookah lounges also made the list.

[laughter] >> desus: wait, that's everyplace. so you can't go to a bar, you can't go to a club, you can't fight a girl over to my boy's house while the six of us watch a movie on a macbook while sharing one blunt? that's crazy! i don't know how scientific this list is, kind of looks like he just wrote it in notes app. also, some of these are really specific, like a bar for drinks. if shorty is like "i will also get the calamari," the guys like "just drinks! so tell me more about yourself"... for more on the story we collect our senior dating correspondent, ronnie chieng! legend! legend! get up here! my god, help me out here, where do women like going on a first date? >> desus, i'm glad you asked.

if there's one thing i know is how to charm women with my sweet [bleep] personality. first dates are easy, you just have to keep expectations low. take them here, to the sbarro's at the port authority. >> desus: the port authority? lease go to sbarro's at grand central. because no, grand central has a fancy clock. a first date can't have a fancy anything. if you take her to offense a restaurant she will be like "wow, he must be able to pay rent." [laughter] believe me, you don't want that pressure. just get her a cold slice of pizza next to a garbage can and a parmesan shaker that has covid on it. let her know where the bars. low. >> desus: okay, i see, that's economical. no drinks, no meals. all you pay for is a slice, right? >> no, you idiot, you are not listening. if you buy or a slice, you're always going to have to buy her a slice. who am i, the pepperoni king? on the first day you show her what she's in for.

that's why on my first date, and 30 minutes late, i zone out which is talking and if there's time, i start a secret family. [laughter and applause] >> desus: okay, but what if she doesn't want to go to sbarro's? >> then you meet at a five-star restaurant and walker to the nearest sbarro's. [laughter] >> desus: what if she is lactose intolerant? >> that's fine. there's a bunch of options for bad first dates. you could take her to a funeral. you could take her to the dmv. you could invite her to an argument with your ex. and if you really want to upset her, just take her to a knicks game. spent get out of here! get out of here! the season just started! ronny chieng, everybody! when we come back i will tell you why you paid too much for that sports stadium. don't go away.

[applause]

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white people, those are hot hot dogs. one red sox fans asked me for directions to the stadium i've point them straight to the projects. [laughter] it was beautiful. then in 2009, they built a new yankee stadium right next to the old one, and it looks basically the same. it was like drake's last two albums, you couldn't tell them apart. [applause] but there was one huge difference: the cost to the public. the city handed over 20 acres of public parkland and $2 billion in taxpayer money. so the house that ruth built really became the house that you and i built. well, mostly you, i'm a softer citizen, i don't pay taxes. but this happens all the time. just last year new york of the buffalo bills $600 million to build a new stadium. 600 million! it's almost as much as nypd spends to stop $50,000 worth of turnstile jumping! [laughter and applause] so how does this happen? why are billionaire owners

getting welfare to build stadiums? it's something i want to talk about in tonight's "long story short." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] all right. right now we are in a sports stadium building boom and just about everyone of them is funded by taxpayers. so how are billionaire team owners able to get the sweetheart deals? easy. when asking for taxpayer subsidies, teams come to a community like a dude asking for an open marriage. "girl, it's not just good for me, it's good for you too!" they sadie stadiums will spread economic growth throughout the community. construction jobs, restaurants, taylor swift body doubles. come on now, you think she's watching travis kelce and doing a show in argentina an hour later? no, that math is not mathing. [laughter and applause] yeah. see? these owners also claim their stadiums will increase property

values, which is one of the biggest lies in the world. what kind of psycho is like "yeah, i want 50,000 drunk idiots pissing on my stoop every night?" away, bro, if any drunk idiot is going to piss on my stoop, it's going to be me! next, they promised to donate money to the community or build affordable housing. and if none of that works, they threaten to move the team. and it usually works because even though using taxpayer money on a stadium is unpopular, losing a team could end a politician's career. if mayor eric adams lost us the knicks, he would be deported. [laughter] all the way back to his real home in new jersey. [cheers and applause] but the truth is, a lot of the time, those owners are bluffing, and we know that because they admit it! >> david samson, the former president of the marlins, largely credited with pulling up the worst stadium deal for

miami-dade taxpayers. >> effect liberty is a playbook, i get a lot of credit for doing the marlins park deal but it really wasn't very difficult because miami did not want to lose its baseball team and all we had to say is that we are ready to leave miami if we don't get a deal done. >> let me ask you, or the marlins going to leave miami, david? >> truly. >> absolutely not. [boos] >> desus: see? these guys are full of shit. there were never going to leave miami because no one ever leaves miami. even people who are just visiting don't leave miami. i had a cousin who went to a bachelor party six month ago, he is still in the club partying with bbls. so the teams get their free subsidies and now that they have their brand-new stadium that boosts their value. but don't worry because in returns the city gets hundreds of millions of dollars worth of... jack shit. >> economist to study stadium subsidies say little or none of the money makes it back to taxpayers. >> one economist estimated that the conservation of a professional baseball team is

similar to that of a midsize department store. >> as a university of chicago economist aptly put it, if you want to inject money into a local economy, it would be better to drop it from a helicopter then invested in a new ballpark. >> desus: wait, that's an option? i wish there were drop a giant bag of money in my neighborhood. rest in peace to the person it lands on, but it would be a payday for the rest of us! so the economic boost the promised doesn't pan out and i know that personally because i saw that in the bronx. in exchange for that 20 acres of parkland, the yankees promised to donate $40 million to the affected areas, but the immediate community has not seen a dime from the team. and more immediately and more importantly, we haven't seen a world series in like 20 years. like, if you want to screw my community out of 40 million, fine, that's business. let me not getting a ring? that's personal.

[applause] i mean, at the very least, these teams could toss out some more shirts during games. all you have 25,000 fans in the arena and only toss out ten t-shirts? and they are all size xl? do mediums cost more? also, can we please get a t-shirt cannon that can hit the three hundreds? what the [bleep]? up top! and the thing that really gets me heated, the stadiums aren't even that old. stadiums for the braves and the rangers last like 20 years before they built new ones. you can't be placing a stadium that leonardo dicaprio would still hit. [laughter] [applause] i'm not going to be in "titanic 2 costco. you know it the worst part is? how much it sucks for the fans

because suddenly the team they've been rooting for starts extorting them for a fortune. and all they can do about it is to go to the stadium and cuss out the owner. which is what they did in oakland. geico check this out. fans packing the oakland coliseum for the first time in what seems like forever to send a blunt message to the athletics top brass. >> a season best crowd of nearly 28,000 athletics fans came out to the colosseum for what was deemed a reverse boycott, which encouraged owner john fisher to sell the team so it can remain in oakland instead of moving to las vegas. >> tonight, the colosseum erupted with one-of-a-kind chants and cheers. >> sell the team, sell the team! >> fisher, get the hell out of your! >> 30,000 people are going to show up to showed john fisher that he sucks.

>> desus: that's how you do it! lesson, on the east coast -- i'm in a close boy but oakland playing to paying $20 to cuss out a man you've never met is big new york energy, respect! [applause] but long story short, politicians got to stop falling for the stadium griff. if we are getting ripped off by team owners it should be the old way, with $14 bud light or less. when we come back, d smoke will be joining me on the show. don't go away yet. [cheers and applause] [alarm ringing] ♪ “ya ya power” by kingupingu ♪ [apple watch ringing] hello?

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>> desus: welcome back to "the daily show"! my net guess tonight is a grammy nominated rapper whose latest single is called "work hard play hard," please welcome the homey, d smoke! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ my guy! what's up! how's it going? >> amazing, amazing. >> desus: up to no good? used to take spanish and music there at inglewood high school. >> i taught spanish and ultimately i ended up theory -- >> desus: you have the netflix show "rhythm and flow." and you won. >> i did. [applause] >> desus: did any of the students come back saying i didn't know you could spit like that? >> i run into my students everywhere because i taught for over seven years and stuff. yeah! thank you!

[applause] and each year you have anywhere from 100 to like 200 students and so they are all over the world. i run into them and hiking trails and it was like you was a good teacher but you're a better rapper! like i don't know what that means! you want your students are on hiking trails, you're a good teacher. >> you know what i'm saying! >> desus: we just did a segment about bullying in schools and they said california is number one for bullying allowed. you were a teacher, who was worse in bullying, high schoolers or wrappers? [laughter] >> i'm going to have to say high schoolers, easy. they are heartless sometimes. and i think the teachers sometimes are easy targets. they are like you have a job to protect so they will shoot at the teacher and sometimes you just got to take the teacher had often be like that's why your mama -- no! [laughter] >> desus: you have to keep that in. >> it's crazy because when you

take off the cool head and you shoot back at the students, than there like okay, he's not playing. their biggest fear is the fear of being embarrassed, so you might have to dig at them one time -- and not -- of course not overboard but let them know that you're there, you're in the moment. >> desus: so your families in the business, your brother is sir? >> desus: are you familiar -- how does that work having a family member also in entertainment, if you are on a remix, as you like what's up, ain't got to go through agents? >> we go direct but after the music is done we still got to go through like the proper channels but you know, there's a lot of respect there because we are not a group, we are our own artists we just admire each other so much that we choose the right moments to put out songs and that's where the single came about, like is it time and we both looked at each other and was like yeah, it's time. >> desus: "work hard play hard." you are working on a y a novel?

>> there are so many acronyms! >> desus: i used to work and a library because i will be a wild nerd right now. >> calling it -- >> desus: that is some english. i went to ya for three years! but shout out to you, as a black man writing a ya novel, do you feel like you have more teaching to do, more -- >> absolutely. absolutely. i'm an educator by trade, i'm an educator at heart, but i'm also critical of the education system. i won't go into it. [applause] i won't go into it. you know. it's not necessarily the best circumstances under which to reach people, you know? you have to do certain things whereas the things that really impacted me the most certain books that changed my life, 111 of which was "the alchemist" and i like to believe i've written the hood "alchemist."

[applause] i'm super proud of that. >> desus: in this current musical environment, what advice can you give a new artist if they really do want to stand out? there are so many new artists out there. >> absolutely. i always tell artists two things, i was told him extend the runway, give yourself more time and people tend to, everybody's trying to hit home runs. everybody wants to blow up but if you grow up, nobody can take you what you built. if you blow up were trying to figure out where you're at. [applause] stick around with it, grow up, be consistent. what changed my life, what got me on "rhythm and flow" is because i was putting out something once a week with a visual. if it took me filming a tribe -- putting a tripod on a filming at myself and editing it, every fighter you was going to get a new use of content. and i spoke spanish -- i was a black man from inglewood speaking spanish, you know what i'm saying? >> desus: got you! got you! >> and i know people hadn't seen

that so i'm like let's demonstrate that and mix it with some of the content, some of the message and do it once a week and then we started getting phone calls so a lot of people think rhythm and flow put you on. no, they called us to be a part of that. >> desus: got you, thank you for coming through! "work hard play hard" is available now! were going to a quick break i'm a we will be right back after this! my guys d smoke! something unexpected has arrived from experian. the new experian smart money™ debit card and digital checking account. it finds payments that could raise your credit scores without the debt. get your new experian smart money™ account through the experian app.

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[cheers and applause] >> desus: that's our show for tonight! from the bottom of my heart i want to thank "the daily show" staff were making a childhood dream come true! stay tuned for next week when your guest host will be charlamagne tha god! and now here it is... your moment of zen. >> congressman matt gates nick naming maga him mike johnson. >> there calling him mike johnson. >> a guy named maga mike johnson. i kind of like that. i think it has a great ring to i think it has a great ring to it, honestly captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪