available for apple tv, google tv, amazon fire tv as well as roku. download the app now so you can start streaming. all right. thank you so much for watching tonight. i'm ahmad daetz. >> and i'm dan ashley for sandy patel. larry beale. all of us, we appreciate your time right now on jimmy kimmel. simeulue have a great night. previously on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> i just don't think this is the time to play games and politics. the american people needs us. it has been two weeks of chaos. can we go back to work and get serious about it? can we all just do the right

thing and let jim jordan speaker today? >> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- simu liu, jim jefferies, and music from myke towers. with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hello. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us. in hollywood, california. we have a lot to cover tonight. we have -- i don't mean to quiet you down, but we have no time for fun tonight. our pumpkin-headed former president -- [ laughter ]

-- was mouth-breathing his way through another day in court today. this was not the january 6th insurrection case, that's in washington. it's not to be confused with the election-tampering case, that's in georgia. or the stolen documents case in florida. or the stormy daniels or e. jean carroll cases that are also in new york. [ laughter ] this is his fraud trial in new york. i know. it's hard to keep track. donny cochran has been using this trial as a platform to air grievances. particularly about the gag order the judge put on him in washington. >> the just said basically i don't have a right to speak. and i'm being restricted, my speech has been taken away from me. i'm the candidate that's running for office and i'm not allowed to speak. >> jimmy: did all 15 microphones get that? [ laughter ] only donald trump would claim that he's not allowed to speak while speaking to 40 cameras at a press conference. one axe trump's been grinding over and over is that he was denied the chance to have a jury trial in this case, which is not true. his dummy lawyers forgot to request a jury trial. which means he's definitely not paying them. [ laughter ]

but watch here, pay attention to the woman on the left, she's his lawyer. she's part of the team that dropped the ball on making the jury request. >> very unfair, we don't get a jury trial, there's no jury. i want a jury, i'm entitled to a jury. i'm not allowed to have a jury. i never heard of that before. i don't get the option. if i begged for a jury, they wouldn't give me a jury. i get no junior. >> jimmy: junior melania is like, i hope he doesn't look back here. [ laughter ] according to prosecutors, trump illegally inflated the value of his properties in order to secure loans and deflated the value of those same properties for tax purposes. and there is nothing that makes him madder than when someone challenges how much money he's worth. >> based on her convincing the judge mar-a-lago is worth $18 million instead of a billion to a billion five, which would sell very easily. based on that, he ruled against me. he ruled fraud. he said fraud. they are the fraudulent people. because they ruled the house

that was worth 18, they put down as worth $18 million, and it's worth maybe close to 100 times that amount. >> jimmy: yeah, let's trust the numbers from a guy who claimed he weighs 215 pounds. [ laughter ] he went on to say his house is worth more than any house in the world. i guess that includes buckingham palace. i don't know. [ laughter ] and when he was done bragging about his house, he took a moment to weigh in on the house where trump's little wrestling buddy jim jordan is having a hell of a time trying to get elected speaker. >> i think jim will be speaker of the house. loves our country, wants to see it do well. i think he's going to be confirmed sometime soon. >> jimmy: hang on one second. can we go back to the -- i want to know, who is this little fella in the bowtie? [ laughter and applause ]

peering menacingly over his orville redden booker glasses. we looked him up, turns out that's one of trump's lawyers. he found him living in a tree. [ laughter ] and he hired him. but anyway, back to jim jordan, trump said he would be confirmed soon. but they voted and jordan was not confirmed. he fell about 20 votes short and they scrapped a second vote. turns out, there's something about being a loser that really suits jim jordan. [ laughter ] the house is expected to vote again tomorrow. insiders are saying that one of jordan's biggest hurdles is that no one likes him. [ laughter ] no one in the world likes him. a lot of republicans were apparently turned off by the fact that during their closed-door meeting last week, jordan told his colleague, steve scalise, "america wants me!" and stormed out the door. right. i bet scarlett johannsen wants you too. [ laughter ] jim jordan, if you don't know his story is a particularly terrible choice for speaker, because when he was a wrestling coach at ohio state, there was a doctor sexually abusing the student athletes. according to multiple credible witnesses, including at least

11 former members of his team, jordan knew all about it but didn't say anything. a man who is famous for not speaking up would like to be speaker. [ laughter ] it's really something. congress, they haven't had a speaker for two weeks. there's no end in sight. maybe it's time we take away their right to choose. i don't know. [ cheers and applause ] and while that inability to elect a leader is obviously a symptom of the deep dysfunction within the gop, you'll never guess who they'd like you to blame. >> let's go back to how we got here. we wouldn't be here if every single democrat didn't vote with eight republicans to shut this place down. >> republicans voted against jim jordan including two votes from somebody who isn't even a member anymore. >> every single democrat and eight republicans voted to shut down the government, that is why wear here today. >> jimmy: no, we're here because your own party threw you out like a tray of salmon cakes from last weekend's hometown buffet. [ laughter ] but really, how can you not blame democrats?

i mean, before mccarthy was ousted, the republicans came to them and said, "look, we have these crazy people in our party who want to blow everything up, and we need your votes or nothing can get done. so here's what we'll do. you guys give us enough votes to elect a speaker, and in return, we'll give you nothing and call you all a bunch of communists and grammers. deal? hey, wait, where are you going? don't you care about the government?" and now, it seems like nobody is able to unite the party. republicans can't get on the same page. although matt gaetz keeps trying to get on the female ones. [ moans and laughter ] [ rim shot ] >> jimmy: thank you. somebody had better grab that gavel soon. because the government's staring down another shutdown next month, and the house still needs to pass crucial military aid packages for ukraine and israel. president biden is headed to israel tomorrow. which wasn't sending an 80-year-old on a dangerous mission across the globe the plot of the last indiana jones

mov movie? [ laughter ] [ applause ] and i'm not sure that went great. this is a risky trip for the president. but if it goes well, it could give his campaign a boost. he just lost out on a major endorsement from, i don't know if you heard this, from waka flocka flame. who, out of nowhere, decided to endorse donald trump. do you think trump knows who that is? there's an excellent chance trump thinks waka flaka flame is the name of a sandwich at burger king. [ laughter ] waka hasn't always been supportive of trump. in 2015, he tweeted, "f -- donald j. trump." and in 2017, a fan threw a trump jersey on stage while he was performing and he did this, not a very nice thing to do. but this turnaround is big. because as goes waka flaka flame, so goes flocka seagulls. and chumbawumba too. [ laughter ] by the way, if you're keeping track, it's important to note

that trump is up to three black friends. [ laughter and applause ] speaking of unlikely friends, have you heard the latest about mitt romney and oprah? in his new book, "ironing my pants," mitt romney says that oprah wanted to team up with him and run for president in 2020 with him as her running mate. team oprah is challenging that saying it's not true. it is hard to believe. why would oprah even want to be president? that's a demotion from being oprah. [ laughter ] and why would she pick mitt romney as a running mate? according to the book, the idea was to get a powerful democrat and a powerful republican to join forces to give the american people something none of us want. [ laughter ] that would've been great. they could've been ebony and what's whiter than ivory? anything? [ laughter ] of course, some people don't believe oprah has what it takes to be president, but as far as i'm concerned -- if you can grow a cabbage this size in your yard, you can do anything. you know who could use an oprah-caliber running mate?

mike pence. mike pence is running out of money. he's down to the last penny in his loafer. [ laughter ] the pence campaign is reportedly $620,000 in debt. i guess his rock 'n roll lifestyle finally caught up with him. apparently, pence has been having trouble winning over republican voters, especially the ones who tried to hang him. [ laughter ] his campaign is facing mounting debt, but he won't admit it. mainly because mother won't let him use the word "mounting." [ laughter ] just out of curiosity, i looked at google searches for mike pence over the past five years and you know what was the single moment we were most interested in him? that moment right there on october 7th, 2020. the moment a fly landed on his head. [ laughter ] that was number one. [ applause ] maybe that should be his running mate. but it's not all bad news for mike pence. he's so close to breaking 500 youtube subscribers. [ laughter ] and not only isn't mike giving

up, he's got some exciting new fundraising ideas. >> hello, patriots. i'm former vice president mike pence. as some of you may have heard, i'm running for president. although it appears many of you have not heard that. because my campaign's a little tight on el dinero at the moment. that's why we're rolling up our sleeves and having a good old-fashioned pence for president yard sale. this weekend, grab a piece of pence history, like the fonzie jacket i wore when i stared down kim jong-un. the dungarees i wear when i'm around common humanfolk. yee-haw! my favorite milk cup. my second-favorite milk cup. my jesus is king-sized bedsheets. and the special shoes that allow me to run and clap at the same time. be sure to come early, because the first 100 shoppers get a bowl of mother's famous home-boiled plain noodles and butter. mama mia! if that doesn't give you a

pepperoni in your dockers, good luck. come one and all to the pence for president yard sale. no reasonable offer will be refused. >> all proceeds are split between the pence campaign and the united states space force. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, if those jesus sheets could talk. we've got a fun show for you tonight. a very funny man, jim jefferies is here. [ cheers and applause ] we have music from myke towers. and we'll be right back with simu liu. [ cheers and applause ] so stick around!

>> jimmy: hi, there. welcome back to the show. tonight, a very funny man, you can catch him live on his "give 'em what they want" tour, jim jefferies is with us. [ cheers and applause ] all the way from australia. then later, he is from puerto rico, his album is called "la vida es una." music from myke towers. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, we'll be joined by martin scorsese tomorrow night, that's pretty exciting. mike epps will be here tomorrow night and music from chelsea cut letter too. please join us for that. our first guest is a tremendously successful actor,

marvel martial artist, and "new york times" best-sealing author who new immerses himself in the world of soup dumplings. please welcome simu liu! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: it's very strange. it's great to have you here. >> finally, yeah. >> jimmy: you've been here, what, four times? >> this is my fourth time on the show, jimmy, and we've never met. >> jimmy: we've never met. >> how is this possible? >> jimmy: i guess once you hosted the show for me, thank you for doing that. >> you're very welcome. >> jimmy: i think the other times, you were here with guest hosts over the summer. >> who is your agent? who negotiated this much time off for you? i want him. or her. >> jimmy: his name is babydoll. [ laughter ] i'll introduce you to babydoll. you and babydoll would hit it off. >> you let me know, i want those summers off too. >> jimmy: no, i'd be happy to

help you out. you've been here a bunch of times. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: you talked to the audience, not to me, although i did watch you on tv. >> i'm sure you were somewhere warm. >> jimmy: i was up fishing, nice. warmer than it should have been. >> i'm so glad. >> jimmy: it's great to have you here. >> so good to be here. >> jimmy: can you catch me up on what i missed? >> yeah, i brought cue cards. >> jimmy: okay, great. >> this is stuff that i basically revealed on the show. >> jimmy: okay, good. >> or talked about with all the other hosts, basically bullet points about my- >> jimmy: great, i don't want to ask questions you've already answered. >> i got a job as an accountant, i got laid off, never told my parents. my parents told me i was conceived after she had a date at kfc. this is a great story. it was the first kfc that opened up in china. my parents stood in line for two hours to get the kfc, and then later, they made me. [ laughter ] so it's great. >> jimmy: you're a kfc bucket baby? >> yeah, baby. let's see. a lot of these are parent stuff. there's more about my parents than there is about me.

parents came back when i was 4 1/2 to take me to canada, both became aerospace engineers. >> jimmy: okay, same here. [ laughter ] >> i was voted one of toronto's hottest bachelors -- how did that get in there? i don't know. [ cheers and applause ] someone snuck that one in. you know. spider-man at kids' birthday parties. you're caught up. >> jimmy: all right, good. i'm glad we caught up. where do you live now? >> i live here. >> jimmy: in l.a.? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you have u.s. citizenship? i know you're from canada. >> i've been riding that alien of extraordinary visa for probably seven years. >> jimmy: is that what it's called? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: i would go see that movie. [ laughter ] >> it's a cool sci-fi epic somewhere. thank you for mentioning that. i've been having a lot of trouble trying to get this green card. i swear to god. i've been trying to get this green card for five years. you sent something in to immigration, you just wait forever. and then they send you one letter and they're like, please send all of these things. and you have to do like a

medical, a police check -- i'm not saying that i didn't pass those things. [ laughter ] but if you do one of those things wrong, they kick your application all the way to the back of the line. >> jimmy: but isn't it true that if you were conceived on a night after kfc has been consumed, that you are automatically an american citizen? [ laughter ] >> that might be the most american thing about me, or anyone. >> jimmy: it's similar to being -- it's actually, i think, the same rule as like when you're born on a military base overseas. >> yeah, they should just -- i should be a citizen at that point. >> jimmy: of course you should be a citizen. guillermo has his green card, maybe he can help you. >> guillermo: yeah, i help you, don't worry, after the show we'll talk. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he knows people over there. >> good, good. >> jimmy: you received an honor in our country last week, you were invited to the premiere of taylor swift's concert movie. [ cheers and applause ] >> yes. >> jimmy: star-studded event. >> absolutely. >> jimmy: you went with who? >> i went with my girlfriend,

alison. like the biggest swiftie in the world. i know there's probably swifties in the audience. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: she's big, alison, huh? >> yeah, she's up there. she went to "the eras" tour five times. >> jimmy: she did, wow. >> it's the freaking super bowl. it's 70,000 people stadiums. she's -- taylor's a force of nature. so i get it. i've been kind of, like, roped into the fandom, you know. initially, but then you start listening to your music and you're like, oh my god, this woman has written a song for every conceivable situation in life. [ laughter ] dealing with the haters, heartbreak, you've got a crush, you've got a crush that's in a relationship, you've got a crush that's out of a relationship, you were just out of a relationship and you've got a crush, and you're trying to decide whether you want to be in a relationship -- i mean, true -- >> jimmy: you really did get roped in. >> oh, yeah, hard-core. >> jimmy: you know the words to the songs and everything? >> yeah, yeah, yeah. i didn't know this would happen but taylor came to all of the cinemas in the grove to say hi because she's an incredible

person. then she ended up sitting behind us. >> jimmy: you had better seats than taylor swift? [ laughter ] >> i was one row closer than taylor swift. >> jimmy: we have a video here. here you are. yeah, there you are. who's filming this? oh, wow, you look embarrassed that you've gotten better seats than taylor swift. >> well, i'm just -- i'm embarrassed because i'm, like, clearly they're not taking the video for me. i just feel like i'm in the way. [ laughter ] then i also feel like, okay, i'm a [ bleep ] if i just sit. then i don't look like i'm enjoying the music. if i'm too into it, i'm stealing her frame. so i'm like, i'm trying to do -- >> jimmy: blocking her. >> exactly, exactly. >> jimmy: how long did she sit behind you? >> the whole movie. which you would think was like a big -- i was freaking out. alison was apoplectic. she was just -- the whole time, you know. >> jimmy: you had to make sure you're showing proper enthusiasm. >> absolutely. that's the thing.

halfway through the movie, i had to pee. [ laughter ] i had to go so bad. it's like these premieres always start late and i was downing diet cokes. >> jimmy: the movie is 2 1/2 hours long. >> 2 1/2 hours long. i'm trying to figure out what the best era is to go. [ laughter ] that would be least offensive for taylor. and i was like, well, it's obviously not going to be "reputation or "1989," those are my personal favorites, i'm never missing those. i can't wait until midnight. all the eras are great, right? i made the decision to go during "folklore." i was like, i can't hold it anymore. >> jimmy: you know what, that's good, that one was the one out in the woods and that's a great place to pee. [ laughter ] >> it's perfect. >> jimmy: right? >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: makes sense. >> i'm glad we understand each other. >> jimmy: did you make sure she knew why you were kind of scurrying out and coming back? >> yeah, yeah, yeah. no, i made a whole show of it. then i ran. i did the movie theater run. >> jimmy: wow, your girlfriend

really is a lucky lady. i mean, for you to go and hang out and be enthusiastic. does she go with you to things that maybe she wouldn't necessarily go to? >> you know, that's a really good point. she's roped me into a lot of stuff over the time that we've been together. >> jimmy: and you don't get like a ufc event or something like that in return? >> i know, i know. i have convinced her to come up to -- i'm a big raptors fan. it's hard to see -- [ cheers ] yes! and it's hard -- well, it's hard to be a raptors fan in l.a. i have roped her into coming up north with me. >> jimmy: you're still owed, i think. >> really. >> jimmy: we'll figure out a price she can pay. when we come back, we're going to talk about -- >> i appreciate that. >> jimmy: i have to say, we've had many guests, we've never had anything like what you are about to tell us about. >> i'm ready. >> jimmy: we'll find out about that when we come back. simu low woo is with us. we'll be right back!

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: we are back with simu liu. you -- this is not only our first time together on the show, this is the first time i've ever had anybody who is actually running a dumpling company. >> yes. >> jimmy: like you are right now. how did that happen? >> thank you, thank you. i've got a lot of time on my hands recently, basically. no, i -- >> jimmy: i've got to tell you, i love soup dumplings. they're delicious. . if you've never had them -- have you had a soup dumpling,

guillermo? >> guillermo: yes, jimmy, yes. >> jimmy: of course you have reserve you are a soup dumpling. [ laughter and applause ] soups are in the dumpling. >> i'm so glad you like them. >> jimmy: you're the chief content officer? >> chief concept officer of mila, this incredible company i own a piece of now. >> jimmy: does that mean as chief content officer, you get to decide what goes into the dumplings? >> oh, no, yeah, no. i don't have those kind of qualifications. it's content in the way gen-z, content. >> jimmy: i see. >> content. >> jimmy: dumpling-related content and nod dell-related content. >> yeah, no, it's a great company. the whole thing, we ship in dry ice to every single household across the united states. the dumplings are ready in ten minutes, perfectly frozen, they're very, very fresh. they taste great. >> jimmy: you've got it all down. how did you become involved with this company? >> yeah, so there's two versions to this story.

>> jimmy: okay. >> i'll tell the pg one first, then fill in the details. >> jimmy: okay. >> the pg version is that my parents were house sitting for me. i'd just gotten this house. it was a couple of holidays ago. and mila sent along a pr pack anage while i was out of town, my parents intercepted it, decided to cook it. there was none left for me by the time i got back. and that's how we started working together. i got the asian parent approved stamp. >> jimmy: that's a good stamp of approval for sure. >> yeah. so i'm going to tell the less pg version of what happened on this weekend, which is insane. >> jimmy: okay, all right. >> so the points are the same. i did get this new house, my parents are house sitting for me. there's really nothing in this house other than some very basic furniture. some clothes. and some, um -- some -- some

edibles. and things that i consume recreationally. >> jimmy: yes. >> infrequently. >> jimmy: these are legal here. >> to help me relax. very much so. i'm leaving my parents -- >> jimmy: he means weed, guillermo. >> guillermo: oh, yeah, i know, yeah. >> jimmy: sorry, go on. >> like hey, you've got uber eats, postmates, doordash, here's some money, take care of yourselves, treat yourselves. then i up and leave. thing is, my parents are working-class immigrants who grew up in china in the '60s and '70s. very frugal people. they've never paid for delivery in their entire lives. >> jimmy: that is true? >> 100%. i think maybe one time they ordered a pizza, but it was free delivery for my birthday party. [ laughter ] i was 10 or 11. that was the only time. >> jimmy: wow. >> i think they were trying to figure out these apps for the first time, on this first night that they're by themselves. and it's too complicated. they give up. and my mom starts foraging around the house for things to eat. and she's looking, and she's

looking, and she finds her way into my walk-in closet where she finds what she believes -- again, working-class immigrant -- no idea what drugs look like. she finds what she thinks are gummy bears and trail mix with dried mushrooms inside. she's like, oh, these are snacks. >> jimmy: right. >> these are snacks. she takes them to my dad. they start popping them like skittles. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> and over the course of the night -- yeah. my mom becomes increasing -- she's like, i'm hungrier, the more i'm eating, the hungrier i'm getting. and also, i think i'm going to die. [ laughter ] and my dad is like, at this point, he's like, we need to go to the grocery store. and my mom's like, uh-huh. and so -- and it's nighttime. they get into my car. immediately crash it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they did? >> they crash it in my driveway. into like the shrubs and things. and they are so high at this point, they're freaking out. they don't know what else to do.

they knock on my neighbor's door. my neighbor gets roped into this. excuse me, i'm so sorry, i crashed my car, i don't know how to drive it back up into the driveway, can you please do it for me? the neighbor gets roped into it. he gets in, drives the car up. my parents are -- they're freaking out. the next morning, my parents starving and so high and so hungry. and it's at that moment the pr package from mila arrived. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh my god. >> it's got everything, the dumplings and the noodles. we have a couple of different flavors of ice cream as well. it's like christmas day. >> jimmy: like a miracle. >> they're like, oh my god! so i get home many days later, and the car is totaled. my shrubs are wrecked. and -- my drugs are gone. [ laughter ] and i looked at my parents and i'm like, okay, first of all, i am never leaving you

unsupervised in my house ever again. >> jimmy: were they mad at you? or were you mad at them? >> they didn't know what had happened to them for many months after. because they didn't understand the concept of hallucinogenics. and then they were like -- well, one thing i know for sure is you've got to get involved in that company because those dumplings were so good! [ cheers and applause ] and so i bought a piece of the company. and i became their chief content officer. >> jimmy: oh, that is absolutely great. >> it's a crazy story. >> jimmy: well, congratulations. that is quite an origin story you've got there. >> thank you, yes. >> jimmy: the website, eatmila.com. you can have them shipped, just like simu's parents. the soup dumplings you can get at grocery stores around the country if your car is able to make it to them. [ laughter ] including select target stores start is next week. >> that's right. and the ed dibbles you can get -- >> jimmy: everywhere.

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>> lou: it's time for "the worst thing my partner owns." >> i'm vicki walker. this is my husband dave. i'm from evansville, indiana. the worst thing my husband owns us his collection of jimmy dean breakfast bowls. little plastic bowls he puts in the microwave every morning, washes it out, and refuses to throw it away. we have them everywhere. he took over a whole subboard in the kitchen. he has over 3,000 of these useless, stupid, nothing >> i have a purpose for them, but i'm not saying what. [ laughter ] >> he has no idea. >> i'm going to keep saving

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>> jimmy: music from myke towers is on the way. our next guest is an actor and comedian with ten stand-up comedy specials under his belt. you can see him live and up close on his "give 'em what they want" tour. please say hello to jim jefferies. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you? >> my son plays little league

with cleto's son. >> jimmy: is that right? >> yeah, we hang out in the little league, man. >> jimmy: hey, nice. do you get to go to a lot of these games? i know you're on tour. >> i try to go as much as i can, but i'm on the road a doing gigs. >> jimmy: are you giving them what they want? >> the tour is going very well. i had a bit of a thing two weeks ago. >> jimmy: i heard you had a medical event. >> i was in kingston, which is i'm told the harvard of canada, if there is such a thing, a smallish sort of town. a lot of people showed up. a great gig, really nice. afterwards i wake up in the morning, i'm going down to my car, going to ottawa for the next gig, two-hour drive. i feel a sharp pain. it got sharper and sharper. then basically my appendix had burst. i'm screaming. i'm in the car just screaming, screaming. >> jimmy: sudden? yeah. >> we get to the emergency ward, i'm screaming. but because it's a small -- everyone in the emergency ward was at the gig the night before.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, really? >> right? i'm, ooohhh! they're like, "hey, jim, that was a really great show last night." "can i have a photo?" "aahhh!" i'm the only person in canada who has to pay for medicine because i'm from australia. "can you fill out a form?" ooh, there you go. eventually i'm screaming so much, they send someone to give me a painkiller in my arm. they go, we think your appendix has burst. the people we let through first are either haeart or head. if your heart's exploding, you walk straight through. if your head is gushing or having a stroke, they walk you straight through. the lady says, "appendixes take 48 hours to die so you've got awhile." i sat there. i kept on screaming. i was in a lot of pain. one bloke, i think his name was dean, they said, "dean, you're

next to come in." he goes, "i think jim's in more pain." canadians, am i right? >> jimmy: god bless dean, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] that would not happen here. >> yeah, canadians -- americans would be like, "sucks to be you, bro." i go straight through. laying down. the doctor comes in, "oh, i enjoyed the show." "thank you so much." everyone was at the gig, very nice, kingston. she goes, "it looks like your appendix is burst, so i have to send you for mri but we're going to give you a shot of morphine." they gave me a shot of morphine. by the way -- mwah! [ laughter and applause ] all these years i've been knocking smack addicts. i can understand that life choice completely. >> jimmy: really? >> what a wonderful drug morphine is. >> jimmy: how quickly did it work? >> oh! like that. >> jimmy: really? >> it was inject ed

still in a lot of pain, more pain than i could handle. they took me for mri, made me lay in the thing, put me through the machine. they come out and the doctor says -- now i'm like -- she goes, "your appendix hasn't burst." now i'm thinking, oh, no, i'm a hypochondriac and i just had a leg poo and that's going to be embarrassing because dean was meant to go before me. >> jimmy: he's going to be furious. >> he goes, "you don't have a burst appendix but you do have a six-millimeter kidney stone that has just left your kidneys and is passing down to your bladder." to put that in context for americans that's like a fifth of an inch. if it gets to 7 millimeters, they have to cut it out of you, it's surgical. this is the biggest kidney stone a person can follow. she went, "you're in immense pain, give him two more shots of morphine." bang, bang! now i'm like, screw the kidney stone, this is where i live. right?

bonus! i'm just trying there going, the kidney stone is the best thing to ever happen to me, right? [ laughter ] the doctor came up and she said, "i've had four children and two kidney stones, and the kidney stones were smaller than yours, and the kidney stones were worse than childbirth." my wife doesn't like this bit of the story. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> you're not allowed to say, i did something worse than childbirth. >> jimmy: no way, yeah. >> anyway, so they give me two more shots of morphine, i'm completely wasted. the doctor was telling my opening act, my mate, like what they had to do and all that because i'm passed out. the only bit -- i woke up to a phone call. i had to get to ottawa. the show was in three hours. it's a two-hour drive away. i'm still passed out on morphine. >> jimmy: you're considering doing this show still? >> well, i wasn't. i -- i wake up to the doctor on the phone to my manager, right? who might as well be called colonel parker, right? you know that bit with elvis at

the beginning of the movie where it doesn't matter what you're going to do but that kid's got to get back on that stage? and the doctor's on the phone like this. "i can give him some drugs that will help him stand up." right? and they're like -- so they pump me full of something. i'm on morphine, but i'm back up, right? then i start -- they go, "it's going to take awhile to pass through." so the kidney to the bladder, the cable that goes from there to there is one-fifth the size of the urethra. am i saying that word -- the penis hole. [ laughter ] yes, that hole. it's one-fifth the size. it's like a bit of thread. that's the most painful bit is the kidney to the bladder, right? so it's traveling down. and she goes, "we'll give you enough painkillers that it will get down to the bladder." i don't remember the show, right? i was a sweaty, horrible mess. i've read the reviews of people

who commented on the shows. my show's only about an hour and a half long. turns out i did 2 1/2 hours. >> jimmy: you don't have any memory? >> i have no memory of the show. people liked it. [ laughter ] i'm not going to say it was the best one. >> jimmy: wow. >> okay? >> jimmy: that's crazy. >> and everyone the next day was writing me on social media like, "good luck with your flight home, jim!" the canadians, they're lovely folk. [ laughter ] this is one of the -- this is the only time i've been really happy to have a small penis. [ laughter ] i couldn't have been more thankful. that i didn't have a whopper on me. i was like, thank you. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i rang up my dad and said, "thanks, dad." [ laughter ] [ applause ] so it starts working its way down. i arrive home.

i didn't know this, but my mother-in-law from england had come to visit. what a joy. >> jimmy: oh, great. >> just a little bit of -- i had to open the door," good to see you." then i went upstairs and screamed for a while. then i rang my wife up downstairs and i said, get me a bucket, i can't keep going to the toilet, i have to get a bucket. she got me my son's halloween bucket. [ laughter ] you know, pumpkin, like a plastic pumpkin with a black strap on it. and i'm not buying him a new one for this year. it's perfectly good. it can go through the machine with all the other stuff i've pissed on. anyway. so i put the halloween bucket -- i put the halloween bucket next to the bed, and i'm just sitting there and i'm like, i can't do it, i can't do it, i can't do it. i start ringing up the doctor who is helping me out. and get on the phone, a very nice doctor. and he was talking me through it like i was having birth at home. like he started going, "just breathe, breathe with me,

breathe with me." i said, "i have to go to the emergency room, it's never coming out." he goes, "you're going to be fine, is it moving along?" "no, it's stopped moving." you can see it. it's stopped moving halfway. "it's stopped, it's not going anywhere." then i pushed, then it came out and it hit the side of the pumpkin bucket, ping! [ laughter ] ping! straight into the bucket of piss. i reach in and grabbed it like i was getting a lobster for a restaurant tank. and i pulled it out. i just went, "i've done it!" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and there it is. there it is, wow. make a necklace out of this or something, a ring. >> that's -- it's smoother than you'd think. it was when he turned sideways. when he was that way like a ufo, he was a pleasure to have. >> jimmy: he's very cute. it looks like an asteroid or something. >> i wanted to bring the actual rock in to show you. because i know --

>> jimmy: oh, yeah, where is it? >> i can't -- well, the doctor came over. i kept it for a week. the doctor came over about four, five days ago to take it in for autopsy. first things first. biopsy? >> jimmy: biopsy, yeah. >> i'm sorry. [ laughter ] oh, this whole story's fallen to bits now. anyways. so going to take it in to -- biopsy, right? take it in for that. the doctor said the first concern is they're not meant to be that color, right? that color's too dark. but it turns out that my kidney stone is bloodstained from all the blood. not the funniest bit of the story. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, that's a -- >> literally, it adds a bit of color. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm glad you're all right. jim is literally risking his life to come visit you in your city. you can see him live october 20th and 21st at the chicago theater on the "give 'em what they want" tour. get tickets at jimjefferies.com. thank you very much, jim.

[ cheers and applause ] we'll be back with myke towers. we made it! bmo has arrived. hello? you said it. hello to more ways to save money, grow your wealth, grow your business. just what we needed, another big bank. not so fast. how many banks do you know that reward you for saving every month? he's got a good point. did i mention bmo has more fee-free atms than the two largest us banks combined? uh, b-m-o? just "bee-mo", actually. quick question, will all this stuff fit in your car? ( ♪ ) should i get rid of the mug? ♪ bmo ♪

>> jimmy: thanks to simu liu and jim jefferies. apologies to matt damon. "nightline" is next, but first, his album is called "la vida es una."

here with the song, "la la," myke towers! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ singing in a non-english language ] ♪ ♪ ♪ [ singing in a non-english language ] ♪ ♪ ♪ [ singing in a non-english language ]

♪ ♪ ♪ [ singing in a non-english language ] ♪ ♪ ♪ [ singing in a non-english language ] ♪ ♪ ♪

[ singing in a non-english language ] ♪ ♪ ♪ [ singing in a non-english language ] ♪ ♪ ♪

>> gracias puerto rico! ♪ ♪ jimmy kimmel! myke towers! yeah! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ this is "nightline." >> juju: tonight, a horrific day of bloodshed in the israel/hamas war. hundreds killed after a catastrophic blast at a hospital in gaza city.