[ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ]

in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television

-- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about right there. hey! a great new york city crowd. thank you very much. how you guys feeling tonight? you doing good? [ cheers and applause ] welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. let's get right to the news. bp stopped the oil leak at 3:25 p.m. eastern time yesterday. and at 3:26, mel gibson and lindsay lohan began jockeying for the title of biggest disaster. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i don't know who's going to get it. actually, bp may now face a seven-year off-shore drilling ban. yeah, in response, bp said, "what are we supposed to do for seven years, sit there like idiots and do nothing all day? [ laughter ] we can do that. we can do that." hey, a movie is in the works about the john edwards scandal. of course, for those of you who forgotten, that was the other scandal where someone forgot to put on a containment device.

[ laughter ] speaking of movies, the first full-length trailer was just released for "the social network." it's a movie about the creators of facebook. yeah. not to be outdone, the creators of myspace just moved into a full-length trailer. [ laughter ] [ applause ] that's another story. i don't know if you read about this, but there was a rare earthquake in washington, d.c., this morning. [ scattered applause ] yeah, experts say there hasn't been that much shaking in washington since alan greenspan tried to play jenga. [ laughter ] actually, the earthquake was the largest ever recorded in d.c.

at this point, i think god is just messing with obama, right? it's like, "what else could i do? i did the job thing, i did the oil thing. oh, this is going to be great. yeah, yeah." [ laughter ] a couple in michigan was convicted yesterday of trying to blackmail john stamos for $680,000. [ light laughter ] yeah. although, it was nice of stamos to tell the judge, "have mercy." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] a little uncle jesse for you there. this isn't good. a lawmaker in pennsylvania is raising new questions about work permits for kate gosselin's sextuplets, since children under 7 are not allowed to work in tv. i didn't know that was a law. sorry, eddie. >> you've got to be kidding me! [ laughter ] [ applause ]

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm going to miss eddie. he was a great guy. [ laughter ] listen to this. someone in utah is sending an anonymous letter to state lawmakers that names people who are suspected to be illegal immigrants. yeah, some lawmakers saw members of their own communities on the list. and they were like, "no way, jose? [ laughter ] [ applause ] no way, jose." i just heard about this. to celebrate national ice cream day on sunday, baskin robins is retiring five flavors. really? that's how you're celebrate national ice cream day? [ light laughter ] that's like celebrating grandparent's day by pulling the plug. [ laughter ] and finally, liza minnelli is releasing a new album in september called "confessions." [ light laughter ] "confessions." it's called "confessions"

because if you're a dude who buys it, you may have just made a confession of your own. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show. give it up for the roots! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're thrilled to have songwriter, producer, and artist the dream sitting in tonight with the roots. [ cheers and applause ] for those of you that don't know, he's the guy responsible for writing such hits as beyonce's "single ladies," rihanna's "umbrella." he also just released -- you got a third solo album here. it's called "love king." there you go right there. good man. thanks for being here. how is it going? >> it's going great. >> jimmy: good man. i saw you backstage. yeah, you were putting your pants on. >> yeah, i was putting my pants on.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: as you were walking. is that the way you do it? >> hey, man, you got to get it done how you got to get it done. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that would be the name of your fourth album. [ laughter ] "you got to get it done how you got to get it done." now, you guys, i use twitter a lot. you guys on twitter? anybody in the audience? [ cheers and applause ] they always have a list of trending topics, things that are getting talked about the most. like when "twilight" was opening, it said it was "twilight: eclipse" was trending. it was on the trending list. or basically, every day, it's justin bieber. [ laughter ] but sometimes there's a weird one in there with, you know, a pound sign in front of it. they call it a hash tag. like "#what not to do on a first date," or "#remember second grade." and people on twitter respond to them and give their two cents about not what to do on a first date or some funny memory about second grade. well, i thought it would be cool if we did something like that on our show, something interactive with you guys, the audience. so, i'm going to tweet something out right now, an idea for a cool invention and then add a hash tag.

i'm going to say maybe "edible wallpaper made out of fruit roll-ups." [ light laughter ] is there a hyphen in "roll-ups"? i think so, yeah. and then i'm going to hash tag it, and then put "why don't they make that?" "why don't they make that?" now i'm going to send the tweet, done. it's sent. i tweeted it out right now. you see it on the screen here. that's the way it's going to look. so now you guys go on twitter, sometime this weekend, tweet up some crazy invention that you would like to see and be sure to include the hash tag, "why don't they make that?" for example, you can say like "a sweater with removable armpits for putting on deodorant." "#why don't they make that?" [ laughter ] then i'll look at all of them over the weekend and we'll show some of the best ones on monday.

so tune in, you might see some of your tweets on the show. it'll be fun. [ cheers and applause ] we have such a great finish to the week tonight. one of my favorite actors out there, from the new film "inception," joseph gordon-levitt is here. [ cheers and applause ] what a talented guy. i love that guy. the lovely actress from the new show "covert affairs," piper perabo is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] and we've got stand-up from a very hilarious comedian making his television debut on "the late night show" tonight, kurt metzger is going to be here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] he's a very funny individual. it's going to be really fun. you guys, today is friday, and that's usually when i catch up on personal stuff. you know, i check my inbox, return some e-mails and, of course, send out thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] i'm running behind. so i thought, if you guys wouldn't mind, i'd just like to write out my thank you notes right now. is that cool? [ cheers and applause ] thank you guys so much. i appreciate it.

hey, roots, can i get some thank you notes writing music? ♪ [ laughter ] wow. deep. ♪ thank you, lance armstrong, for competing in yet another grueling tour de france, even though you're almost 40 years old. that takes a lot of ball. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪

thank you, mel gibson -- [ audience groans ] -- for giving me a great idea for a movie called "what women want 2: not mel gibson." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ thank you, guy who freaked out about seeing a double rainbow in this video. >> oh, a rainbow. a double rainbow! [ laughter ] it's a double rainbow all the way. whoa! [ laughter ] oh, my god, look at that! [ laughter ] it's starting to look like a triple rainbow! [ laughter ] oh, my god, it's full! oh, a double rainbow all the way across the sky! what does this mean? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what does it mean? it means the mushrooms are kicking in. [ laughter ]

[ applause ] "a triple rainbow! a double rainbow!" [ laughter ] ♪ thank you, the ymca, for officially changing your name to "the y." i can't wait to hear the new hit song about you by the village person. [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] ♪ thank you, "people" magazine, for giving the roots a great four-star review for their new album "how i got over." [ cheers and applause ] also, thank you for not including james in the group picture. [ audience aws ]

♪ [ light laughter ] james, we still love you. okay? don't we love james? [ cheers and applause ] "double rainbow." [ laughter ] ♪ thank you, neighbors with swimming pools, who put up signs that say "we don't swim in your toilet. don't pee in our pool." [ light laughter ] pretty clever, but that's not going to stop me. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪

thank you, lebron james, chris bosh, and dwyane wade, for joining pat riley in miami. [ scattered boos and cheers ] you guys are like the new "golden girls." bosh is rose, d. wade is blanch, pat riley is sophia, and lebron is such a dorothy. [ laughter ] the last thank you note right here. [ audience aws ] ♪ thank you, bp, for finally capping that oil spill. i originally wrote this thank you note a month and a half ago. [ laughter ] there you have it. those are my thank you notes, everybody. we'll be right back with "say what?" come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ there aren't many of us who use a cellphone

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[ male announcer ] this, our newest son, was imagined, drawn, carved, stamped, hewn, and forged here in america. it is well made, and it is designed to work. ♪ this was once a country where people made things... ♪ ...beautiful things, and so it is again. ♪ the new jeep grand cherokee. ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, you guys. thank you so much for watching

our show. i appreciate it. you know, guys, i love word games. and tonight we have one of the most unusual games ever to be played on national television. it's time to play, "say what?" ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> say what? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: welcome to say what, the game where contestants try to decipher the garbled mouth ramblings with ricky johnson, a pig farmer with a real anger management problem. [ laughter ] let's bring out ricky. ricky, are you there? ♪ [ cheers and applause ] [ indiscernible babbling ] >> jimmy: welcome -- ricky, what are you working on, buddy? [ indiscernible babbling ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. >> you see it? >> jimmy: yeah. just going to have to trust you on that one, ricky.

let's see who's coming down to the front porch tonight. tonight's contestants are nick badger, erin rogers and eugene delmundo. come on down, y'all. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] hey, welcome to the show, guys. thanks for coming. the rules are simple. if you think you know what ricky is saying, crush your beer buzzer and tell us what he said. [ light laughter ] the first person that guesses correctly, wins that round. now, let's see what the first category is tonight. [ light laughter ] "don't i know you from somewhere?" "don't i know you from somewhere" is the first category. ricky is going to tell you where he thinks he knows you from. so listen closely. this round is worth ten points. ricky, are you ready? >> yeah, yeah, i am. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. remember, guys, crush your beer buzzer when you think you know the answer. ricky, tell us where you think you know the contestants from. [ indiscernible babbling ]

[ light laughter ] >> jimmy: anyone have a guess at all what he just said? [ light laughter ] [ shotgun blast ] >> grandma's thanksgiving dinner? >> are you serious? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: ricky, slow it down. give it another chance. slow it down. ricky, calm down. [ laughter ] yes? [ shotgun blast ] >> double rainbow. [ laughter ] >> wise guy, here. wiseguy, wiseguy! [ indiscernible babbling ] >> jimmy: ricky -- just slow down. slow down, tell the contestants where you think you might know them. [ indiscernible babbling ] [ shotgun blast ] >> "walmart, you got stuck in the freezer"? ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: very good. you met him at walmart -- he was stuck in the freezer and you done helped him out. >> yeah, he never paid me back. you never thanked me. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: very good. you just won ten points. now round two, where the category is -- oh, man. [ indiscernible babbling ] [ laughter ] >> he'll get you, he'll get you. >> jimmy: snapping turtle. there you go. [ laughter ] unbelievable. you guys are the worst. this category is, "we got ourselves a little problem here." contestants, listen up. ricky is going to tell you about a little problem he's having with you. if you can tell me what he is, you win this round, which is worth 100 points. oh, boy. he's starting to get a little agitated right there. >> well, come on -- >> jimmy: come on, rickey -- ricky, tell us what the problem is. [ indiscernible babbling ]

>> jimmy: all right, okay. okay, okay. okay, very good. anyone have any guess? [ shotgun blast ] >> there's beer everywhere. [ laughter ] >> no, the three-legged goat comes up on my porch -- poops everywhere. [ shotgun blast ] >> jimmy: contestant three? >> three-legged goat that pooped everywhere? >> right. >> jimmy: that is correct. [ applause ] we gave him that. the correct thing was -- "your three legged goat done climbed up and pooped all over my porch. i would have killed it if it weren't crippled." [ laughter ] there you go. player number 3, there you go. 100 points, very goo. what a close game. [ laughter ] here we go. the final category, as always, which is "what's on ricky's mini

dish tonight?" as you can see, ricky has a miniature satellite dish that gets over 200 movie channels. he's going to act out a scene from a famous film, and you have to name the movie. [ light laughter ] the last round, this is worth 1,000 points. good luck, guys. ricky, please act out that movie scene for us. >> all right, here it goes. [ indiscernible babbling ] [ laughter ] [ indiscernible babbling ] [ shotgun blast ] >> "top gun"? >> jimmy: yes! "top gun" is the movie. he felt the need for speed.

winner right there, everybody. player number two, right there. you have won a gift can dip can wristwatch. [ light laughter ] wear it to church, a business meeting or just show it off to your neighbor. wherever you go, it's always time for dip time. of course, no one goes home empty handed. everyone will take home a bag of frozen tater tots. >> yeah. >> jimmy: here you go. congratulations, everybody. [ laughter and applause ] of course, we have one -- thank you. we have one for ricky, as well. here you go. i know you love tater tots. [ indiscernible babbling ] >> jimmy: thank you for "playing say what?" stick around. we'll be right back with joseph gordon-levitt. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] [ male announcer ] the new subway flatbread breakfast sandwiches!

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is a golden globe-nominated actor, whose new film "inception" is in theaters today. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome joseph gordon-levitt! ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about. joseph gordon-levitt in the house. the crowd loves you. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. that was a good song. that was a good song. >> jimmy: that was a great movie, but "inception" is an amazing movie. >> it's awesome. >> jimmy: there's posters of you all over the place. do you like seeing posters of the movie, or you? >> well, i like this poster a lot. but, you know, it's different when you see yourself like -- i don't know, it's funny. i grew up acting. i've been doing this since i was 6 years old. so, i see myself on an "inception" poster -- i mean, it doesn't even seem like i'm look at myself. i just get excited. wow, it's the next christopher nolan movie. >> jimmy: even though you're in it. >> no, honestly, because i get excited for his movies. it's true. i mean, this is the guy that made like "the dark knight" and, like, "memento."

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: is he fun to work with? >> dude, he's so much fun. i mean, because he loves it. you know what i mean? i mean, most movies that are this big, they're more from the point of view of a marketing research. you know what i mean? they're products. and this is like a genuine story. he makes movies, because he loves movies. i love it, man. >> jimmy: i know that you've been doing this since -- well, you said since you were 6. do you ever like come across just watching tv, just flipping the channels to see you as a little kid and say, "oh, my god, i remember that." >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's like watching your home movies, but they're well produced. [ laughter ] >> yeah, and other people see them as well. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> "i just saw you when you were 11 years old." i'm like, "great, thank you. i don't know what to say. that's cool." >> jimmy: "did you like it? i'm different now. i shave now." [ laughter ] but as a kid, as a child actor, did you ever -- when you make that money, do you like -- i would just splurge it all on toys and candy? >> well, you don't really get your money. it goes into a blocked account when you make money when you're a little kid. >> jimmy: oh, i got to tell eddie, our cameraman. [ laughter ]

>> the funny thing is -- so, my parents, when i was young, it was never about the money and my parents never told me i had to do it. they were always just like, "do it if you like it, and we'll support you. and if you don't want it, you can stop or whatever." you know, when i was young, we never thought it was going to be my life's work or anything, and you can make, kind of, obscene amounts of money just for being on these commercials. but i hated being on commercials. even when i was 10, like i was a snob about things. i was like, "that's not real acting!" [ laughter ] you're like, "wow, mom, it tastes so good!" i don't want to be that kid, you know? but you can make a lot of money. >> jimmy: you want, like, a character arc in your commercial? [ laughter ] >> i just don't want to do commercials, man. i was like, "i do that stuff." but the thing is, like, my parents were like, you know, responsible parents. "you can pay for your college by doing a couple of these, you know? and that can make the difference." they're like, "look, if you do two commercials, you can buy whatever you want." so, i was like -- this is my first compromise. [ light laughter ]

so i went and started auditions for commercials, and i got a few parts. i did, like, a coco puffs commercial and pop tarts commercial. >> jimmy: were you coo-coo? [ laughter ] >> yeah, man. it was an existential crisis at a young age. [ laughter ] i was really upset about it. >> jimmy: you really went nuts for coco puffs? [ laughter ] >> yeah, man, no one talked to me for like days. >> jimmy: you were in a mental institution. >> so then i got to buy anything i wanted, and i got myself a "street fighter ii," like an arcade game. you know, because this is like 1993 or '2 or something. you couldn't play "street fighter ii" at home. they didn't have that on sega genesis. nowadays, you can play "street fighter" on your phone probably. but, you know, i got an arcade game. >> jimmy: actual arcade game? >> yeah, man, like the real arcade game that you put quarters in. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, it's like "silver spoons." [ laughter ] i was always jealous of that show.

>> and "street fighter" is -- i don't know if you remember, but "street fighter ii" is the game. like all these, you know, ancestors, like "mortal kombat" and "tekken," all that, i don't know. i think "street fighter" is the real deal. >> jimmy: it started with "street fighter ii." oh, yeah, that was the big thing. >> that's like the fast-paced chess game, you know? that's where the real skill is at. like all those other games have a lot blood and gimmicks and stuff, but i feel that "street fighter ii" -- >> jimmy: strategy? >> yeah, man. >> jimmy: you compared it to a chess game? [ laughter ] >> jimmy, you obviously never really played "street fighter ii." >> jimmy: no, i was stuck playing tabletop, like, "centipede" at my parent's pizza hut they used to go to. [ laughter ] i was like, "can i have some quarters?" they would go eat and drink beer, and i would just play "centipede." >> i see. you were listening to poison. and i was listening to nirvana. >> jimmy: i want to hear about hitrecord.org. >> oh, man. thanks for asking. >> jimmy: your website, it's so cool. >> thanks, man. >> jimmy: do you want to explain

to people what it is quickly? >> it's my production company, right. so i'm lucky enough, like, as an actor, i've gotten to the point where i can do projects of my own. but i didn't just want to do it within hollywood. i wanted to open it up for all the great artists all over the world who were doing stuff on their laptops or whatever. so hitrecord.org is like this website that i set up where we do all these collaborative projects, short films or writing or photography or anything. and then people come and contribute. we just played a bunch of stuff at sundance and at south by southwest. we actually did a project with "inception" recently. they made a documentary about dreams and we contributed all these animations and pieces of music and stuff. >> jimmy: so, different people just download stuff, they play with it, they upload it onto hitrecord.org and then they get credit for it? >> they get credit and they get paid. we pay people. we sent out our first round of checks, because if i'm able to, like, use my, you know, fortunate place in the industry to, like, turn it into a money-making production, then we spilt all the profits and we pay everybody. so the idea is to, you know, open the door, so it's not just like, oh, it's who you know and you have to live in l.a. and all that.

it's like, yeah, if you make good stuff and come work with, you know, us on these projects, like trying to open it up a little bit and make good things. >> jimmy: everyone at home, if you go on this, you can raise enough money to get your own "street fighter ii." [ laughter ] >> can i give you a shirt? we actually just finished making t-shirts. this is the very first hit record t-shirt. i wanted to give it to you, jimmy. >> jimmy: hey, that's what i'm talking about. thanks, my man. >> let me tell you about it. just for a second. just for a second. humor me. so, someone drew this robot. and just for fun, he put this robot up online and then someone else drew out, like, hit record, and then someone else picked all that up and made it into a t-shirt. and we were like, "that will be a cool t-shirt." we can turn that into an actual t-shirt to sell. so then if people come and buy this t-shirt, the money will go to the guy that drew this robot and the girl who wrote out hit record. so that's how it all kind of works. and that's the first one. >> jimmy: all right, i got the first one. i love it. let's talk about the movie when

we come back. more with joseph gordon-levitt when we come back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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can you explain to people what this is? because i can't explain it, but i cannot wait to see it. >> well, first of all, the first thing to say is it's the next movie from chris nolan, who made "the dark knight" and "memento" and stuff. you know, it's got some of the aesthetics of "james bond," the old classic "james bond" movies," something like the philosophy of "the matrix" maybe, some of the psychology of a hitchcock movie. >> jimmy: but what is it about? >> so there's a technology where you can share dreams, right? so like, you and i both hook up to this machine. and when we're having a dream, we're having the same dream together. and then leonardo dicaprio and i, and there's a team, we play these sort of gentleman thieves that can go in and, like, steal your information and do it for money, and then plant information. you know, it's this big heist movie. but we're not stealing cash, we're stealing your secrets from your subconscious. >> jimmy: i love it. [ cheers ] it's so cool. >> jimmy: it's good that there's something original out there and something new, instead of like a remake or a sequel.

>> exactly. >> jimmy: which is one, too, but this is something fresh. >> well, this is fun. it's got amazing, you know, spectacular action sequences and stuff. >> jimmy: this clip we're going to show, your director, chris nolan, picked this out just for the show. we can't even air this online. it's not been on any other show. it's just our show. >> yeah, because he knew i was coming on this show. it's a clip sort of -- it's the coolest part of me in the movie. [ laughter ] and so he wanted me to not just have one of the standard clips, but have something really cool to show. >> jimmy: here's joseph gordon-levitt in "inception" right here. ♪ [ dramatic music playing ] [ screams ] ♪ ♪

[ cheers and applause ] >> movie magic! >> jimmy: thank you so much for doing that, joseph gordon-levitt. "inception" is in theaters today. piper perabo joins us next. there she is in the bud light lime green room. hey, piper! ♪ [ male announcer ] this, our newest son, was imagined, drawn, carved, stamped, hewn, and forged here in america. it is well made, and it is designed to work. ♪ this was once a country where people made things... ♪ ...beautiful things, and so it is again. ♪ the new jeep grand cherokee. ♪ you also never thoughtourselfe. it'd be as easy as-- you know. you've never been able to do so much with something so small.

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♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: welcome back. our next guest stars in a new show called "covert affairs" it premiered this week to huge ratings. you could see it every tuesday, at 10:00 p.m., on the usa network. please welcome the lovely piper perabo, everybody! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very, very nice. i love that. >> wow, that's cool. >> jimmy: yes, peter piper. >> hi. >> jimmy: how are you? >> i'm good. how are you? >> jimmy: congrats on the reatings. it was a destruction. you killed. no this is based on -- "covert affairs" is based on -- the team that brought you the "bourne" movies. >> yes, the "born identity" and "mr. and mrs. smith." and now we're doing a spy show. >> jimmy: that pretty cool. and there's doug liaman? >> doug liaman. >> jimmy: now, this guy just loves the action, and just explosions and stuff like that, right? he's like a little kid. >> yeah, he flies in every week to, like, sculpt the action sequences.

>> jimmy: he flies a plane? >> yes, he flies in for the action sequences. >> jimmy: that's awesome. >> he's like a spy himself. >> jimmy: i mean, yeah. flies there own plane , just around. >> doug does. >> jimmy: so he just does that, and just comes right in, just says, "i got to do this and this and this and that"? >> he's like, "hit him like this." and you know, "let's blow this up, and she jumps off this. okay, do it." and we're like, "yes, sir." >> jimmy: then he puts his scarf around his neck and gets back in his plane. puts his gogles back on and he's off. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. now you did a lot of research for this, you went to cia headquarters. >> yes, doug's new movie is "fair game" about valerie plame-wilson that spy that was outed. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, yeah. >> so he has connections at langley. so i got to meet spies, who are women, who are my age, who work in the field. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: how does that work? >> it's complicated. i went -- i never met a spy before. >> jimmy: i might have. i have no idea. [ laughter ] i might have. >> you could be a spy for all i know. >> jimmy: i'm not saying anything. >> i took my little notebook with me to like, oh, it's okay. i know doug. i know doug. >> jimmy: okay, good. yeah. >> i took my little notebook when i went down there.

and before i went in, they were like, "you can't take notes. this is the cia." and i was, like, "oh, okay." so i left it. and i was like, "when we get inside, can i have, like, some paper and a pencil that write notes." and they were like, "yeah, but when you leave, you have to leave it here. this is the cia -- you have to remember everything." >> jimmy: "can i take flip videos?" >> right, like the little phone camera? "no, you have to remember it all." >> jimmy: so wait. so you just go in and just grilled everybody, find out as much as you can? >> yeah, you spend the whole day meeting spies. and then, when i left, i pulled my car over to the side of the road and wrote down everything i could remember. >> jimmy: what do they look like? what do they act like? >> they're really pretty spies. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: absolutely. very good. so this is perfect for you. >> yeah, i mean, it's amazing. one of the women that i met, you know, works in afghanistan and she's a spy. she's the blonde woman, who is a spy. i don't know what her real name is but -- >> jimmy: so they have fake names? >> of course, they can't tell me their real names. >> jimmy: like, what are the fake names kind of like? >> well, i think her name was "jennifer." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: did she make air quotes when she said her name? [ laughter ] >> that's how i got that idea. >> jimmy: that was the give away? that was the give away. like, "hi, i'm 'jennifer,' and

nice to meet you." [ laughter ] that's awesome. but they go to school for it? >> well, some people are recruited out of college. and then some people, i don't know they just -- i don't know how they get them. >> jimmy: did you get dragged off the street in a building or -- [ light laughter ] >> no, we have to go to training at this place called "the farm." and they teach you how to be a spy. >> jimmy: the farm? [ light laughter ] >> mm-hmm. >> jimmy: i so want to go to the farm. this is awesome. you go to the farm and you start training -- >> you could be a spy. >> jimmy: i know, or maybe i am. maybe i am. >> this would be an amazing cover. >> jimmy: what are you talking about? you're blowing it right now. let's get back to the interview. >> the show. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> jimmy. >> jimmy: piper, we have a clip here from the show "covert affairs." here's the great piper perabo, everybody. >> i thought you'd never ask. >> beep. was it as good for you as it was for me, kizu? [ laser sounds ] ♪

>> get her out of there now. [ laser sounds ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: ooh, yeah. i'm in. i'm in. our thanks to piper perabo right there. "covert affairs." tuesdays, usa. we'll be right back with comedian kurt metzger. come on back. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] th

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. our next guest was recently seen on "last comic standing" and is a voice on comedy central's "ugly americans," which will be on comic-con next week. he's also performing at "comedy central live" at the san diego house of blues july 24th.

give it up for the very funny kurt metzger, everybody. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> oh, my god. thank you, everyone, forgiving it up. i'm a little bit down right now because my girl won't talk to me. i think i screwed up kind of bad. i don't even know if i can tell this story on tv. let me put it this way. let's say that you had an oil rig in the gulf. [ light laughter ] and you knew it was going to explode. but instead of warning your employees, you just yelled at them to work the rig harder, and then you kind of like pushed it back and their head down to make them do their job good. [ laughter ] and then you acted like you had no idea what kind of mess there was going to be. that is what happens every time we try to make daiquiris at home. [ laughter ] guys, i'm sorry. i don't want to sound insensitive, by the way, about

the gulf, because i'm not. it's not that. it's just that i just grew up on the jersey shore. so i'm kind of already used to the sight of a beach covered in grease balls, if you know what i mean. [ laughter ] it doesn't surprise me. i love that show though. isn't that the best show? because it's not -- reality shows are fake a lot. that's a documentary, trust me. that's how i grew up. [ laughter ] that's a nature show, okay? but why are they bringing back the same guidos? is mtv stupid? i don't want to see those guidos again. i don't care if they grow as people. they're guidos. [ laughter ] throw them away. you don't got to pay them money. you could, literally, stuff garlic knots in an ed hardy shirt and leave it on the boardwalk in the sun and grow new guidos. it's that easy. [ laughter ] i don't want to give away my mother's guido recipe on the show. [ laughter ] how is the economy for you guys? is it hard? is it rough out there? is it this hard? have any of you had to sell your gold for cash? [ laughter ]

the worst kind of hard where you couldn't keep your gold that you had? and that commercial came on, and you had to send it to them? [ light laughter ] you ever see that? the people that sold their gold on that commercial are so happy because they had no idea gold is worth money before that came on. [ laughter ] "i got $40 and i just had them melt down my grandma's stupid necklace she hid from the nazis." [ laughter ] "i thought we were going to lose the house, and then my wife said, 'what about our pirate treasure that we have? [ laughter ] could that, somehow --'" oh, not to bring it down, guys, but do you remember where you were when you heard michael jackson died? do you? because that was a huge death, wasn't it? that was the biggest death of the year. i will never forget where i was when i found out. i was at my father's funeral.

[ light laughter ] and they were in the middle of the eulogy. [ light laughter ] and this guy burst in. [ laughter ] and said, "everyone, i'm sorry to interrupt this funeral. [ laughter ] but i'm afraid i have some terrible news." [ laughter ] and we were devastated. [ laughter ] my mother collapsed. [ laughter ] my 12-year-old brother started crying and grabbing his crotch to try to bring michael back to life somehow. [ laughter ] it almost ruined the funeral, but then our pastor put on "thriller" and we all started singing and dancing. i picked up my dad and moved him like a zombie. [ light laughter ] [ audience ohs ] i wish i should say that was a joke, but that's a true story. i used to be a minister, by the way, a christian minister.