not bad. off of the strip but close, rio, $215 for a regular room. can go up to $2,000 for a suite. >> okay. but $215 is within the relm that is a price a normal human would pay for a hotel room. >> the thing is you add all of the nights up, three nights and the resort fees and the taxes, the parking and everything else it is just not feasible. >> right. >> plus, you know, super bowl tickets are $10,000. >> we are not even talking about that. we are going to stay home and watch from the bay area. >> actually we are working. >> i am working you are not. >> i am going to stay home an watch the game >> maria: today, my exclusive interview with president donald trump. who is your running mate? >> mr. trump: well, i have a lot of good people. we have a lot of really good people. >> maria: so you haven't decided who it is. >> mr. trump: i have a lot of good ideas. >> and now a "the late show" exclusive, stephen colbert's

interview of maria bartiromo's interview of donald trump. >> stephen: mr. trump, how are you today? >> mr. trump: incompetent. everybody knows it. >> stephen: okay. so talking about the campaign, what are you looking for in a running mate? >> mr. trump: me. >> stephen: you can't be your own vice president, sir. >> mr. trump: i understand that. >> stephen: but where do you hope to find someone that has the same qualities as you? >> mr. trump: mental institutions and insane asylums. >> stephen: okay. anywhere else? >> mr. trump: hell. >> stephen: true. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert!" tonight... the wet coast! first, stephen welcomes senator elizabeth warren and comedian usama siddiquee. featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city,

it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: hello, friends! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] beautiful. hello, friend. nice to see you. please have said, everybody. thank you very much. you're very kind. ladies and gentlemen, welcome. welcome one at all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. the big story tonight if you're joining us from your local news is the weather in southern california. they have some. and it is the bad kind. they're currently being hit with an epic storm that is expected to bring a months' worth of rainfall in a day and is what the national weather service is calling "one of the most dramatic weather days in recent memory." but surely not the last. these bizarre weather emergencies are just going to keep happening. we all know the cause.

al gore warned us about this. it's getting worse every year, so i'll just say it. the witch's curse! [cackling] i didn't see her cat when i backed out of my garage. the footage from the rain-pocalypse is pretty startling, like this of the santa barbara botanical gardens, which i'm told normally doesn't have a waterfall, and these flooded streets outside a wetsuit sale. yesterday, those were just suits. now, meteorologists say the drastic weather is being caused by something called an atospheric river, which is also the name of my easy-listening dad band. stay strong and stay dry, california! because there is some good weather news in the forecast, thanks to meteorological groundhog punxutawny phil, seen here realizing his handler's beard is made from last year's phil.

friday was groundhog day, and our buddy phil did not see his shadow, which means an early or or, or -- i know. exciting, huh? or not, because "on average, phil has gotten it right 30% of the time over the past 10 years." which means he's way less reliable than the prognosticating raccoon, coin flip chet. raccoons have thumbs. that's why they can do this. as usual, phil, the psychic rat, made his prediction in the small pennsylvania town of gobbler's knob, located between the sleepy villages of "reacharound falls" and "slurpler's grundle." gobbler's not but is not the name of the town.

punxsutawney is the name of the town. gobbler's knob is the hill they go to. i'm sorry, we will issue an apology if we ever feel sorry about it. while friday was groundhogs' biggest day, yesterday was music's biggest night, because it was the 66th annual grammy awards. y'all watched. taylor swift won her fourth album of the year grammy. [cheering] yeah, big night. and she used the occasion to make this surprise announcement. >> i want to say thank you to the fans by telling you a secret that i have been keeping from you for the last two years. which is that my brand-new album comes out april 19th. [cheering] it's called "the tortured poet's department." >> stephen: yay! new tay-tay! yay!

new tay-tay! coincidentally, "tortured poets department," also a rejected title for the movie "dead poets society" along with "bad school, good teacher" and "those rich boys sure are sad." now, on saturday, just this past saturday, voters went to the polls in my home state of south carolina for the first official democratic primary, and president joe biden took 96% of the votes! 96.2! 96.2% of the votes! that is very close to 100! which is also joe's new campaign slogan. >> louis: oh, i just got it. >> stephen: sure. in his victory speech, biden showed his graitude to the people of the palmetto state. >> it's good to be home! you know what's really good about it, kamala? these people know me,

and they're still here. these are the folks, as that saying goes up in who brung me to the dance. >> stephen: yes, south carolina brung biden to the dance. and then they said, "actually, you know what? let's wait for a slow one. i'm not sure those knees can handle the electric slide." biden also reminisced about the first time he ran for the senate, and he got a little distracted. >> i remember my sister coming home when we were starting to run for the senate and said, "i think you need some help." this is back in 1990. no, i'm only joking. hey, john, how are you? 1972. >> stephen: oh, god. oh, joe. but it does remind me of that prince song. ♪ 'cause tonight we're gonna party like it's 1990 ♪ i'm only joking. hey john, how are you? 1972!" we also got a glimpse of what biden is like behind the scenes.

because, according to reports, biden recently said of donald trump... "what a [bleep] ass[bleep] the guy is." now... not the image you have. a little rough. joe. [applause] that sounds rough but it's actually just a new question on the presidential cognitive exam. [laughter] [applause] biden has also described trump as someone who delights in others' misfortunes, calling him a "sick [bleep]," to which trump objected, "i'm not sick. doctors are always coming up to me, these doctors, big doctors, tears in their eyes, big guys, strong doctors, doctors that never cry, i'm talking lumberjack football playing doctors, and they say "sir, sir. you're the healthiest [bleep] i've ever seen. little penicillin.

cleans up the old, old sick." of course, biden's not the first president to work blue. i mean, those of us of a certain age all remember when ronald reagan said this. >> mr. gorbachev, tear down deez nuts! >> stephen: you okay? you okay? is lampley all right? if you don't show up to rehearsal, then this is gonna happen. [laughter] trump's staying focused on his core message: him. this weekend, he posted this message on social media. "for so many years, people have been saying that elvis and i look alike. now this pic has been going all over the place. what do you think?" along with this picture. [laughter] look, i don't care for the guy, you know that. but i do think donald trump does looks like elvis

if you dug up elvis now. they have a lot in common. yeah. look. they have a lot in common. in trump's high school yearbook, he was voted "most likely to die on the toilet." you know that's how the king went, right? yesterday, trump sat down with maria bartiromo of the fox news and she gave him a chance to walk back his "i want to be a dictator" comments, and he did, kinda. >> it was with sean hannity, and we were having fun, and i said "i'm going to be a dictator," because he asked me, "are you really going to be a dictator?" i said "absolutely. i'm going to be a dictator for one day." that was said in jest. >> stephen: see? everybody, settle down. he's just kidding about being a dictator. just ike hitler's famous memoir, "mein jest." then bartiromo asked trump about

some unlikely states he hopes to win. >> are you going to be able to flip blue states like a new york and a new jersey? there's a rumor you're going to do a rally in the south bronx. >> i think so, yeah. >> stephen: no you're not! there's no way on earth. no, no, no. trump's not flipping those states. though i can think of one thing voters from new york and new jersey would be willing to flip him. [cheers and applause] oh, here's a little story that caught my eye. everything is changed forever and we can never go back. because over the weekend, apple released their augmented reality headset, the apple vision pro, a breakthrough that will bring humanity to an unprecedented plane of digital omniscience for everyone who has $3,500

to blow on wifi ski goggles. when it was released, people lined up to be the first ones to never see their families again. and what sets these goggles apart is that they allow you to see the world around you as well as your digital content. so many people decided to bring their headset into the wild. in one viral video, a new yorker appeared to be using it on his subway commute. you know what? good for him. i always personally appreciate it when a man on the subway have the courtesy to watch "invisible" porn. the en-goggled were also seen in their natural habitat. on the face of the driver of a tesla cyber truck. i assume the driver is using augmented reality to pretend that they're driving a much less embarrassing car. [cheering] i will test drive it last summer, this is true.

i got to play with these goggles apple vision pro for about 45 minutes, because i'm special. and my first reaction after i took 'em and i said this "you sons of bitches. you did it again." they're figured something out here that made the experience so wonderful that i'm sure at some point we're all going to regret that they did. but in the meantime, and i'm not here to do an ad for apple, but if i do not get one, i will die. i'm sure you're thinking, "you're rich, just go buy one." i can't, because evie pays all of our bills, and she would not be thrilled to find i spent $3,500 to be in the same room as her but not be in the same room with her. she wouldn't appreciate that. [applause] she's out of town now. i could... i thought they would send me a free one, but they did not send me a free one. no big deal. 'cause i've got me own

high-tech goggles. they're made of a space age polymer. they augment all of reality. blurry... crisp! and the sound is amazing. it's like the band is ight there! but if you're skeptical about this face-based computing device, then check out this reporter's review of the headset's killer app. >> the absolute best thing. so i see the timer here and now i can move it over the pasta. and now i have a second timer for six minutes that i'm putting over the mushrooms. this is just the coolest. >> stephen: jab a tube in my spine and toss me in a goo pod. i want to cook in the matrix! how else can you set a timer for your pasta? use the one on your oven? then you have to buy a second oven just to have a timer for your sauce! we got a great show for you tonight! my guest is senator elizabeth warren. but when we come back, "meanwhile"!

join us, won't you? ♪ ♪ >> announcer: "the late show with stephen colbert" sponsored by mcdonald's.

two leading candidates for senate. two very different visions for california. steve garvey, the leading republican, is too conservative for california. he voted for trump twice and supported republicans for years, including far right conservatives. adam schiff, the leading democrat, defended democracy against trump and the insurrectionists. he helped build affordable housing, lower drug costs, and bring good jobs back home. the choice is clear. i'm adam schiff, and i approve this message.

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: say hello to louis cato and the band, everybody. right there. welcome back, everybody. ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> louis: [laughs] >> stephen: thank you. thank you. we will have that recorded and made into my new ringtone. thank you very much. ladies and gentlemen, we've got a lovely active comedy coming up for you. but just a reminder, don't go anywhere. the one, the only senator elizabeth warren will be out here in just a moment right over there. spit some truth right there in following the show, stick around for "after midnight" with the hilarious taylor tomlinson, everybody. folks, if you watch this show, you know i spend most of my time

scouring the day's news market for the finest, most topical venetian story eggs whose whites i combine with barena honey and apulian almonds, which i roast to perfection, then delicately cook it all in a copper bain-marie before hand-spatulating it onto a bed of wafers to create the pillowy, yet full-bodied scaldaferro mandorlato italian nougat that is my monologue. but sometimes, folks, just sometimes, i wake up in the recycling bin behind a circle-k where i melt the remnants of some discarded peeps and candy corn using sponge runoff, leave the slurry to harden behind a basement boiler, then roll it up to toss you the runaway carny's gobstopper of news that is my segment... >> "meanwhile"! >> stephen: sweet as honey right there. sweet as tupelo honey. meanwhile, a convenience store in kentucky has an exciting new disco-themed restroom. take a look. >> things are really hopping at the hop shop in florence and the crowd isn't there just to buy gas or snacks. they're curious about the big red buttons in the bathrooms. one push sets the balls

in motion. >> stephen: generally speaking, if you're in a public bathroom and someone says "one push sets the balls in motion," don't push. the disco bathroom is a hit with patrons. according to the manager, "i had a 60-year-old woman who came out of the restroom and told me it was the best day of her life." i am so happy for her. and also so sad. so incredibly sad. meanwhile, in a shopping mall in australia, a toddler got stuck after climbing into a claw machine looking for a toy. ooh, that must have been a very tense rescue. "come on. come on. dammit! to hell with it. i'm going for the pokemon! hold on!" we have footage of the actual rescue.

[glass breaking] >> come here, buddy. there you go. you won a prize. which one do you want? >> stephen: "which prize do you want? i hope it's shattered glass. because we got a lot of shattered glass." meanwhile, a group of filmgoers got locked in a theater during a screening of "the holdovers." explains this review of "the holdovers" on rotten tomatoes. "help! i have a family!!! but giamatti is a revelation." meanwhile, former fellow inmates of lifestyle maven martha stewart have revealed that while she was in prison, stewart used to "smuggle food" to bake for pals, including a baked apple and a caramel flan. yummer! and for thanksgiving, she made toilet turkey. [laughter] baked apple! how do you smuggle in an apple?

meanwhile, a pair of cruise passengers were arrested after authorities searched their luggage and found 112 bags of marijuana. i guess they just wanted to sail the high seas! [applause] what have i become? the cannabis was found shortly before the ship left florida. authorities say they were mostly shocked that it wasn't meth. meanwhile, the world's smallest escape room is a coffin. while the world's biggest escape room remains florida. here's how it works. sure, florida! sunshine state. here's how it works. you climb in, the lid shuts, and then participants have 30 minutes to free themselves from inside the coffin by solving puzzles, which they can do with their partner in a neighboring casket. perfect for the adventurous

romantic who wonders, "how could this first date get any worse?" you want to pretend we're dead? meanwhile, italy has given the go-ahead to use insect flour in their food, specifically flour made from crickets. it's already being used to make the classic italian dessert tiramis -- [heaving] tirami... [heaving] of course, once it's approved in italy, it's only a matter of time before arthropod dough comes to italian food made in america. so get ready for papa john's new slogan: better ingredients, better pizza. okay, it's spiders. we'll be right back with senator elizabeth warren. ♪ ♪ (vo) welcome to lobsterfest. is your party ready? ready to tango with tails on tails on tails? try lobster lover's dream with two lobster tails and

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this ad? typical. politicians... "he's bad. i'm good." blah, blah. let's shake things up. with katie porter. porter refuses corporate pac money. and leads the fight to ban congressional stock trading. katie porter. taking on big banks to make housing more affordable. and drug company ceos to stop their price gouging. most politicians just fight each other. while katie porter fights for you. for senate - democrat katie porter. i'm katie porter and i approve this message.

♪ ♪ >> stephen: thank you, louis. thank you, melanie. welcome back, everybody. ladies and gentlemen, my guest tonight is the senior senator from massachusetts and a former presidential candidate. please welcome back to "the late show"

senator elizabeth warren. [applause] ♪ ♪ well, it's lovely to have you on. it must be big doings in washington for elizabeth warren took come down and explain things to us. before i get anything else, taylor swift won big at the grammys last night. was that phase one of the democrats' deep state plan? >> senator warren: you bet. you bet. all i can say to donald trump's, haters got to hate, hate, hate. >> stephen: there you go. speaking of the super bowl, one of our guests after the super bowl is ryan gosling and i understand your dog bailey is a fan. because there he is dressed up as ken. is this for halloween?

>> senator warren: yeah. so bailey was such a good ken at halloween, little kids came to our house, rang the doorbell, and thought it was the real ken. >> stephen: a lot of different kens. >> senator warren: there are. they want you to have your own ken. >> stephen: yes. big news in washington, d.c., this past weekend. the senate has a border deal that includes funding for israel, ukraine, some for ta taiwan. and here's the thing. you're really good at explaining things. explain to me what this deal is and would you vote for it. >> senator warren: okay. so let's get -- back up a little bit and get a frame around this. first, all this started because we needed to get aid to ukraine. the ukrainians are out there on the front lines every single day fighting a russian invasion. they are now starting into their third year of fighting back against the russians invading their country. and they need help. and the united states needs to

help them. so that's our starting point. [applause] yep. >> stephen: okay. >> senator warren: so -- >> stephen: at one point the republicans were all for this. >> senator warren: totally for it. everyone had agreed in washington we are going to do this. the president wanted it. both sides, republicans and democrats. then the republicans in the house said no, no, we can't do this unless we also do immigration changes. we've got to do something at the border. >> stephen: which is an understandable impulse given how high the crossings have been. >> senator warren: an understandable impulse because we have needed to do immigration reform for years and years and years now to get this right. so the president, the kind of guyhe is, said okay, let's sit down and negotiate. so for four months now, there have been negotiations back and forth and there were some other pieces average of the bill but mostly negotiations about the border. and that what we've got, we've got to compromise. not the bill i would have written. it's not the bill a lot of other

people would have written. >> stephen: it's actually the bill the republicans probably couldn't get under other circumstances because it doesn't have comprehensive immigration reform. it has border security. >> senator warren: well, here's the thing. it's got some really good pieces. more resources for the border, which is good. it's got -- for example it's got work permits in it. so people who are here wre trying to get asylum actually would be allowed to go get jobs. [applause] >> stephen: pay taxes. >> senator warren: they can move out of shelters. they can pay taxes. and look at, at least back home in massachusetts, there are a lot of employers who really would like to have the extra help, to have the extra workers. there are some good things. i also want to say there are some things that are really missing. you remember back during covid that one of the things we all talked about where the essential workers who kept us all going.

it was a lot of undocumented workers. i worked on a bill with a lot of other people to same let's create a path to citizenship for these undocumented workers. let's not -- i don't want to bang a pan to say thank you. i action want to say you have helped save this nation. you kept our food supply going, medical care going, trash pickup going. we are grateful and we will show we are grateful by creating the path to citizenship. [applause] but i want to be clear. >> stephen: one thing. mcconnell worked on this bill. mcconnell wants this bill, right? >> senator warren: but that's not in this bill. that's the point i want you to hear. so what we've got -- i know. so what we've got is we've got a bill that's got some good parts but it really missing a lot apart. it doesn't have -- able to get their path to citizenship. people who are here who are called mixed status families. some american citizens and some

not, trying to create path to citizenship. none of that is in this bill. so this is a bill -- >> stephen: of the criticisms that's been thrown out there, it's just another form of amnesty, this bill. >> senator warren: no, it's not. >> stephen: that's what is being said. >> senator warren: i wish it would have passed citizenship for people who are already here, people have worked so hard. when scott, it does permit people to come in and asked for asylum. it's part of our national law, and national heritage and as part of international law. we treat people with respect to its important to continue to do that. >> stephen: more people are crossing in a few months that used to ten years ago are crossing in a year. what is the united states' responsibility for those people seeking asylum in the united states? >> senator warren: if to say, do you really have a legitimate asylum claim. some doing some don't. part of what this bill is about

is putting in more resources so that it is possible to determine faster who's in and who's not in. and to get some fair adjudication around that. this is where the hard parts are. are. there's some changes in the standards. so i'm still digging through this bill. >> stephen: mcconnell worked on this bill. mcconnell is for this bill but house, said it's dead on arr arrival. now, have you ever seen this kind of infighting among the republicans? >> senator warren: not often enough. [laughter] but here's the thing on this one. the reason that mike johnson is saying no is not because there is a specific problem with the bill. the reason is donald trump. because donald trump hopes that the problems at the border will be worse, because he thinks that will give him an opportunity to be able to run on that and get more votes when he's able,

frankly, to call people terrible names and try to demagogue the whole thing. donald trump is looking for a political advantage and if it hurts this country, he doesn't care. you know what? it's not the first time he's died. he's also out there hoping, he says, hoping, cheering on the united states will go into recesion. people lose their jobs, people lose their savings because he things that will help donald trump get elected. that's the kind of man who is running for president from the republicans. [booing] >> stephen: hasn't he kind of blown it because everybody knows that he's done this and is actually set out loud "you can blame this on me." >> senator warren: you know, that's the part. there are a lot of folks who just continue to go with him. i don't think it's any place close to a majority of this country. but that's why it is that it's so important that the rest of us get organized and recognized the importance of this upcoming election in november. [applause] >> stephen: we have to take a

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growing up, my parents wanted me to become a doctor or an engineer. those are good careers! but i chose a different path. first, as mayor and then in the legislature. i enshrined abortion rights in our california constitution. in the face of trump, i strengthened hate crime laws and lowered the costs for the middle class. now i'm running to bring the fight to congress. you were always stubborn. and on that note, i'm evan low, and i approve this message. >> stephen: hey, everybody, look at that. we're back back here with senator elizabeth warren. why are you mad at jerome powell? the fed chair, jerome powell. i know you don't like rich guys.

but why don't you like -- you rolled your eyes at elon musk the last time we were talking. >> senator warren: elon musk is still on my list. jerome powell. it's about interest rates. jerome powell and the fed raised interest rates extraordinarily. remarkaly. now they are at a very high level. the problem is, yes, we had inflation. but inflation was being caused by a lot of things, like supply chain kinks that covid had given us. they were in ukraine had driven up energy prices sharply. giant corporations looked around and said "oh, everybody is talking about inflation right now. great time to raise our prices." they didn't just raise those prices to cover costs. they raised those prices triple and quadruple what they needed to raise them. we know that because their profit margins went up. it's called price gouging. so jerome powell raised interest rates. inflation has come back down six

of the last seven months, inflation has been at 2% or lower which is the feds' target. now it's happening with this high inflation rate, we've got the other stuff starting to get it under control. biden administration is fighting back. but this high interest rate is driving up the cost of housing. it means that people can't afford a mortgage. first-time buyer can't get into this market. people can't move. even for renters, it affects what you paid her rent because when your landlord is paying more for a mortgage, believe you me the landlord passes it on to the tenant. plus, it means there's an less new construction and we need moe housing so i want him to bring those interest rates down. >> stephen: last week, senator federman, senator schumer, senator sanders sent a letter to the d.a. asking for marijuana to be descheduled. two-part question. how is that different from

legalization? and are you high right now? >> senator warren: let's do the first part. the answer is, legalization is what you do if you had a functional congress. well, that's not the world we live in. so do you scheduling is something the administration could do without going to congress. right now marijuana is scheduled, it's called, as a drug by the dea, at the same risk as heroin. and that means not only is it illegal, you can't even do research on. it's so -- no. what we are saying in this letter is guys, get with it, at the dea. it's not 1954. more than half of all states have legalized marijuana. they have said either massachusetts, its legal both for medicinal purposes and recreational purposes. >> stephen: actually mand

mandatory. the tollbooths on 95, they hand them out. >> senator warren: you still have personal choice. >> stephen: i understand. just keep it. >> senator warren: but the idea is to say at the federal level instead of creating this conflict which is causing all kinds of problems. problems and banking laws and tax laws. you just say schedule and look, we need some restrictions of course. let's treat it. we need to deschedule it, join the 21st century, and let's make marijuana legal. [cheers and applause] shouldn't be that hard. >> stephen: i want to point out you didn't answer my second question. senator, thank you so much for being here. senator elizabeth warren, everybody. we'll be right back with comedian usama siddiquee. thank you.

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two leading candidates for senate. two very different visions for california. steve garvey, the leading republican, is too conservative for california. he voted for trump twice and supported republicans for years, including far right conservatives. adam schiff, the leading democrat, defended democracy against trump and the insurrectionists.

he helped build affordable housing, lower drug costs, and bring good jobs back home. the choice is clear. i'm adam schiff, and i approve this message. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody. welcome back. folks. my next guest tonight is a new york-based standup comedian who was a finalist on "america's got talent." making his late night debut, please welcome to "the late show," usama siddiquee. [cheers and applause]

>> usama: hello. are you all feeling good? i had a good day. i was hanging out with my mom all day, who i love. but she's like an immigrant mom. that is double the mom. clap it up if you had immigrnt parents go growing up. did you ever wish you had a white mom growing up? sometimes for easier chores. like hunter, take out the trash. hunters like mom, this is my dad left you. immigrant mom chores are like hey, fix my business. that's level one chore. growing up, i'd be playing video games. my mom would be like get up and get me a passport. i'm like, sorry, guys. i can't come play outside. i have to take on the u.s. government. immigrant mom's are just more brutal. one time i texted my mom "i love you." her response was "sounds good."

one time my brother texted her "i love you," she wrote back lol. this woman will never say the words "i love you." i could give her one of my kidneys and she would be like "i like your vibe." can we say in general moms are dramatic people? my curfew growing up, 11:00 p.m. if i came home and 11:oh five, she would be like "you don't listen to me. so just kill me." 5 minutes. she was like, every minute was one year of my life. always drama. i don't want to fight. can i just go upstairs and go to sleep? she's like, before you go upstairs, take me out in the back and shoot me and they had. then what's next. your father and i were worried sick. why do moms always have to loop in dad? your father and i were worried sick? as she is saying that, i can hear my dad snoring. worried sick? he is in full rem sleep dreaming about the woman he actually

wanted to marry. >> oh! >> usama: i didn't say that. i am here alive talking to you. i love my mom, i love her but she is a body shame her. her on facetime, she'll be like, "you're fat. husband, come. look at your fat son." my mom is like you know elephants have good memory. this one never forgets to eat. love my mom, love my dad. they are good people. immigrant dad. so you know the stories are fake. how much money he didn't have in his pocket when he came to this country. "i come to this country, only $5 in the pocket." i'm like, how did you leave the airport? terminal b to terminal e is a $10 cab ride. every year, one year $5. next year, only $0.50 in my

pocket. next year, only piece of paper that said 0 on it. then i sell that piece of paper and i start my own business. what? is the money gets smaller, the craziness of their school commute gets wilder. usama, every day run 80 miles to school. every day. two of my friends died. i pulled out there carcass and buried at that table for lunch. i am like, grandma, is this true? she's like, he was homeschooled. i love them. i love being brown. i'm a brown guy. we are coming up here people want to be w with us. here's the issue with brown sex symbols in america, still white sounding names. making progress until the hot white children is like, you know who i to be with?

i just want to go behind the bleachers and make out. that's progress. we had nobody going up. 20 years ago, my friend was like, who is your favorite indian actor in hollywood? i was like, antonio banderas. no hate. all races are good. brown is great, white is great, if you're not british. it's amazing. only brits. why is it when we you meet a british person, why's it so hard for us not to mimic their accent to their face? every time. they are like "hello." we are like, don't do it. tone. 'ello! how are you. no matter how nice or posh they sound, where like, we are doing all right, innit. if he says hi to me and i go

'ello. that's like if i say hi to him. i am allowed to do it because they pillaged us for 200 years, right? right? okay. so i get the accent. one british guy was like, so were even, right? i was like, "even"? are you "mentuhl"? that's my time. thank you all so much. thank you so much. >> stephen: you can catch usama performing at the "netflix is a joke" festival on may 11th. usama siddiquee, everybody. we'll be right back.

growing up, my parents wanted me to become a doctor or an engineer. those are good careers! but i chose a different path. first, as mayor and then in the legislature. i enshrined abortion rights in our california constitution. in the face of trump, i strengthened hate crime laws and lowered the costs for the middle class. now i'm running to bring the fight to congress. you were always stubborn. and on that note, i'm evan low, and i approve this message.

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>> stephen: hey, that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be joy-ann reid and a'ja wilson. now stick around for "after midnight" with taylor tomlinson and her guests bianca del rio, reggie watts, and wendi mclendon-covey. good night! ♪ ♪