Skip to main content

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  April 9, 2024 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

11:35 pm
your true calling? a dog who flunked out of a police academy for being too friendly has become an unlikely star of the earth wake response effort in taiwan. roj ter labrador failed to become a drug-sniffing dog because he loves people to the point of distraction. rather than give up on him, his trainers chose to channel that love into his new career as a rescue dog. turns out he's excellent at it. he's worked more than a half dozen quakes in his time. because he is so darn friendly. look at that. >> nothing failure about that dog whatsoever. >> i'm telling you, if you have a labrador, they're not going to be a good watch dog. >> no. they're all over the place. >> hey, how are you, welcome on in. >> they're really good at hide and seek and >> the chain restaurant chipotle announced that they will start using an avocado peeling robot to give customers consistent avocado portions. according to the ceo, the robot
11:36 pm
will help them "become a lot more accurate" with their avocados without giving up any speed in doing it. >> in the 21st century, an advanced cyborg is sent back in time. he has no emotion. eh has no sympathy. he only has one purpose: to give customers consistent avocado proportions. this fall, it's the avocadonator. now nothing will stop him from finding a chipotle -- not the police, not this guy from del taco. >> come with me if you want a lunch. >> not even those pits that are impossible to remove. he will consistently portion your avocados. the avocadonator. >> i'll be guac. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert"! tonight...
11:37 pm
stop the stall! first, stephen welcomes maren morris! and demetri martin! featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! [cheers and applause] >> stephen: there you go. hey! ♪ ♪ there you go. thank you, my friend. happy tuesday, happy tuesday. >> stephen! >> stephen: thanks, everybody. how are you? thank you very much. hello! ♪ ♪
11:38 pm
hello, my friends. pleas have a seat. hello, hello. [cheering] welcome. welcome one and all. [cheering] welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it was an absolutely beautiful day here in new york city. the sun was shining. 75 degrees. the light was sparkling on the hudson. flowers were blooming in central park. and in lower manhattan, donald trump is going on trial next monday! [cheering] because... why? why? because yesterday, an appeals judge denied trump's 11th hour request to delay the start of the stormy daniels "hush money" criminal trial. now, if you had told stephen colbert as a teenager
11:39 pm
that one day the former president of the united states would be standing trial for paying off a porn star, that young man would have said, "you have porn? can i trade you? i found a sears catalog in a tree stump in the woods!" you see, trump's lawyers argued that he can't get a fair trial in manhattan, so the judge should postpone the trial indefinitely while they seek a change of venue. nope! sorry. it's wedding rules. you put down the venue deposit, you'r getting married in a rustic barn. okay? that's how it is. you sign the things. i don't care that all of a sudden your fiance is "worried about his allergies." too bad, derek! take a zyrtec and put on the damn tux. trump's lawyers argued that
11:40 pm
the former president wouldn't get a fair trial because the jury pool has been polluted by news coverage of trump's other recent cases. so are you saying members of the jury can't have seen any news about donald trump's crimes? his crimes are the news! i don't understand. who would that leave? "your honor, it's only fair that our client be judged by an impartial jury who know nothing about the events in america over the last nine years. might i recommend 12 confused men who were dropped off in a forest as infants and then raised by wolves, or, if they're not available, could we acquire some clone babies that have been rapidly aged in some sort of machine and then released into the jury box? oh? oh, they think he's guilty too? okay."
11:41 pm
[cheers and applause] floating brains. trump's change-of-venue request wasn't the only desperate stunt he pulled. he also tried suing the judge. yes, it's bizarro court! the defendant is suing the judge! the bible's swearing on the bailiff! the gavel's banging everyone! i believe that's one of stormy's movies. the gavel's banging everyone! the lawsuit challenges the gag order judge merchan placed on trump to stop him from verbally attacking witnesses, jurors, and others, including, this is important, the judge's daughter, who trump attacked on social media. [booing] trump has also called on judge merchan to recuse himself, alleging bias. yes, the judge has to recuse himself because trump attacked the judge's family. it's like that scene from "taken." >> i don't know who you are. i don't know what you want.
11:42 pm
but i will recuse myself from hunting you down to avoid the appearance of impropriety. >> stephen: now, this tactic. liam neeson, he's still got it. this tactic also did not work because this afternoon, an appeals court judge rejected trump's effort to delay his hush money trial as he appeals the gag order. of course, the hush money trial is about trump having sex, so once the witness testimony starts, we'll be the ones gagging. [laughter] did i get that right? this ruling was no surprise. legal experts described the case as a "hail mary" attempt to avoid trial. and you can read all about trump's mary in the new "god bless maga" bible, featuring all the best gospels, the lyrics to the u-s-a chant, and the contents of a 1920s joke book.
11:43 pm
guaranteed not to hold back on the irish. get 'em. late yesterday. late yesterday, the judge released the jury questionnaire for trump's hush money trial. and i've got the actual thing right here! so let's... let's dig in to judge merchan's juicy, juicy jury quiz. what have we got here? here's a good one. "do you have any strong opinions or firmly held beliefs about former president donald trump?" [laughter] at this point, i'd love to meet someone who doesn't. "uh... donald trump? the real estate guy? what's he been up to? i don't watch "the apprentice." i love that jeff probst.
11:44 pm
are they the same guy? no? then no strong opinion." potential jurors will also have to answer: "have you ever considered yourself a supporter of or belonged to any of the following: the q-anon movement, proud boys, oathkeepers, three percenters, or boogaloo boys?" let me remind you, you're under oath, oathkeepers. and you're under boogaloo, boys. let's see what else here. "are you a member of the big bad voodoo daddies, the doobie brothers, milli vanilli, the boxcar children, or have you or any of you robotic associates been part of voltron?" and because -- i don't see that one. i don't... and because of the high-profile names in this case, the judge is
11:45 pm
also asking jurors to disclose their media diet. okay? that's all media, including porn, so they'll need to know if jurors have seen "operation desert stormy," "the witches of breastwick," and "home alone 2." [applause] two of those. anothe question is: "the defendant in this case has written a number of books. have you read or listened to audio of any one or more of those books? if so, which ones?" oh, my god. i just realized there are trump audiobooks. "the art of the deal. page one. and i gotta say, folks, what a page. you're gonna wanna read it 10, 15 times. a five-star general came up to me, big guy, tears in his eyes and he said: 'sir, this page saved my 401k, and made my wife go wow wow wow, that's marriage.'"
11:46 pm
[cheering] wow. but judge merchan denied the trump team's request to include one particular question, whether the jurors like trump. "uh, your honor, we respectfully petition the court, do you like me? yes or no? you'll pick a number, three? okay, one, two, three. your honor, you will be marrying timothee chalamet!" you will be marrying timothee chalamet! congratulations. thank you, citizen. donald trump's not the only one whos in trouble. so is doald trump's social media company. it's been two weeks since truth social went public, and as of this morning, the company has lost a third of its value and is now trading at its lowest level since its trading debut.
11:47 pm
it's a phenomenon that legendary economist john maynard keynes once called [slide whistle, farting] yeah. nobel prize. nobel prize. trump is the majority stakeholder in truth social and when truth social debuted, his shares were worth $6 billion, but as of yesterday, they were down to $2.9 billion. usually to lose money that fast, you have to sign up for draft kings. draft kings. "she'll come back once your prlay hits." truth social says its numbers are just fine, but it doesn't help that it gets those numbers from the actual accounting firm bf borgers. not to be confused with the bulgarian remake of bob's burgers, byf's borgers. these number crunchers aren't
11:48 pm
particularly good at numbers, because they've had a number of run-ins with a number of regulators, including, a 100% deficiency rate on audits reviewed by a u.s. watchdog, and one of their best-known previous clients is a mixed martial arts league called lingerie fighting championships incorporated. lingerie fighting. turns out, victoria's secret: she tore a dude's throat out! [cheering] i love a bloodthirsty audience. oh, here's a little news item that caught my eye. two top japanese companies say that the social order could collapse due to ai. a headline i didn't quite take in at first because i was distracted by an ai video of baby red pandas jumping out of a petri dish. ooh, look at 'em go! watch out, buddies! get back in yo' dish!
11:49 pm
i'm sorry. what was i saying about the end of civilization? i dunno. pandas in the petri! ooh, i remember. this week, japan's largest telecommunications company called for immediate legislation to rein in generative ai, warning ai tools have already begun to damage human dignity because the tools are sometimes designed to seize users' attention without regard to morals or accuracy. that is not right. seizing attention without regard to morals or accuracy is a job that humans should be doing! humans like tracker. tracker: turns out the earbud was stuck to a jujyfruit at the bottom of your backpack. we got a great show for you tonight! my guests are maren morris and demetri martin. but when we come back, some exciting announcements from the band! ♪ ♪
11:50 pm
>> announcer: "the late show with stephen colbert" sponsored by liberty mutual insurance. only pay for what you need.
11:51 pm
11:52 pm
11:53 pm
( ♪♪ ) you made a cow!
11:54 pm
actually it's a piggy bank. my inspiration to start saving. how about a more solid way to save? i'm listening. well, bmo helps get your savings habit into shape with a cash reward, every month you save. both: cash reward? and there's a cash bonus when you open a new checking account to get you started. wow. anything you can't do? ( ♪♪ ) mugs. ♪ bmo ♪ [cheers and applause]
11:55 pm
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody to "the late show." folks, you know if you watch the show i love music. it's one of my top five ways to enjoy abba. but these days, musicians do so much more than just make songs. they are celebrities with big time sponsorships like post malone selling bud light, cardi b and offset selling mcdonald's, and legless top half of megan thee stallion promoting planet fitness. first of all, my apologies to all women because evidently the new unrealistic body standard is "be a cloud." and these ads here got me thinking about our band. you guys are amazing musicians. [cheers and applause] i see this. i see this stuff and i think to myself, i'm surprised you guys don't have your own commercials. >> we do, stephen. i actually just shot a commercial for a new product! >> stephen: jon lampley, our trumpet player?
11:56 pm
that's fantastic. what's your ad for? >> well, it's a little hard to explain. maybe we could just show it? >> stephen: well, i'd love to, but we can't actually roll -- >> roll it, jim! >> i could talk about essential oils all night. >> we've all been there. trying to have fun at a party. don't get me started on yogurt. anything probiotic or you get stuck to the most -- talking to the most annoying guy the room. you need to leave but can't find a good excuse. >> omega threes. >> i created jon lampley's pocket-size rescue trumpet grade one subtle blast on the rescue trumpet. signals are representative to arrive with the perfect excuse. >> i'm sorry. you need to leave for your uncle is on fire. >> oh, my goodness. it was great talking to you. but as you just heard, my uncle is on fire. >> it works for everything from
11:57 pm
weddings to family reunions. >> my favorite ranking for the jokers. >> server, you need to leave. your uncle is on fire. >> i am his uncle. >> in that case... >> jon lampley's pocket-size rescue trumpet. is that a trumpet in your pocket or are you just not happy to see me? [cheers and applause] it's pretty great, right? >> stephen: i'm very happy for you. i'll have to check that out. anyway, getting back to trends in the music indus -- >> hey, stephen! >> stephen: joe saylor? our drummer and jazz cowboy. what is it, joe? [cheers and applause] >> i actually just did a commercial too. may i please show mine? >> stephen: joe, i'm sorry but we can't -- >> you let him show his.
11:58 pm
[applause] >> stephen: joe, i wouldn't say i let him. >> roll it, jim! >> if you're like me, you're a busy professional percussionist who does not time to stop i need. that's highly used joe saylor's chicken drumsticks drumsticks. hand tenderized by you. only mine drumsticks, and exciting flavors like honey mustard high hat, barbecue base. and simple salmonella. stop trying to eat spaghetti well drumming and reach for joe saylor's chicken drumsticks drumsticks from the makers of the ham-bourine. >> what do you think. >> stephen: looks good, looks good. we can't make a habit of just plugging your products in the middle of the show. >> louis: stephen is right. you have to stop showing your commercials because right now it's time to show mine.
11:59 pm
roll it, jim. music is so powerful. it can bring people together, make your dance and convince two reluctant falcons to start. hi, i'm louis cato. did you know everyday millions >> come on, what are you birds doing? >> louis: you need louis cato's lovemaking for falcons designed to put shy birds of prey in an amorous mood. ariel courtship display. regurgitated mouse. >> ever since i got louis cato's lovemaking for falcons, i would say my birds have too much sex. >> louis: now that's a good problem to have. louis cato's lovemaking for falcons. [cheers and applause] >> louis: amazing, right?
12:00 am
did you see those birds going at it? steve and i did, louis. you >> louis: your support means a lot. i guarantee that -- i can guarantee it will. >> stephen: we'll be right back with maren morris. [car traversing over uneven ground.]
12:01 am
[silence in the vehicle.] [car traversing over rocky ground] (vo) we got a subaru forester wilderness to discover all of the places that make us feel something more. [minimalist piano plays throughout.] [heavy sound of water coming from waterfall.] (vo) subaru is the national park foundation's largest corporate donor, helping expand access for all. get 2.9% apr financing for 72 months on a new 2024 forester, going on now. fair, freckled, or melanated.
12:02 am
we are appreciated. ultra hydrated. glazed and glowing. confidence overflowing. vaseline lotions 90% more moisture for my one-of-a-kind skin. and there's no other skin i want to be in.
12:03 am
12:04 am
12:05 am
♪ ♪ >> stephen: so good. welcome back, everybody. ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is a grammy-award winning artist you know from her songs, "the bones," "my church," and "the middle." she now has a children's book called "addie ant goes on an adventure." please welcome back to "the late show," maren morris. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> maren: thank you. >> stephen: a lovely dress. i rarely have guests who have a train behind them.
12:06 am
that's very nice. i feel like you should have two small children behind you carrying it. >> maren: or ants or birds. >> stephen: "addie ant goes on an adventure." you have performed on the show three times. this is the first time we are sitting down to talk. do you like the talking? some musicians i've interviewed over the years basically say i really just like the songs through the talking. i don't want to talk myself. but i love talking to musicians. >> maren: good. i love talking to you. we met plenty of times the big like this is nice. >> stephen: i just go over there and say have a good show. >> maren: it's quick but this is nice to talk in. >> stephen: what is that you want to know about me? my life is an open book. >> maren: i've been following your career for a long time. i loved the colbert show. i always wonder that character slips out when you do this one. >> stephen: [laughs] >> maren: i saw a glimmer earlier. >> stephen: sometimes when the
12:07 am
politicians are on i want to bring him out. he will jump on my shoulder. >> maren: is it like armor? that character wants to come back and protect you? >> stephen: no, it's a dagger. it's not armor. it's not defense, i promise you. we are both from the south. i'm from south carolina. you are from even deeper, you're from texas. do you miss it? do you still live down there? >> maren: no. my family does. i do miss it. i lived in nashville for the 11 years now. they've not figured out tex-mex food. in tennessee. texas has figured out. >> stephen: they've got that chipotle there, don't they. >> maren: oh, yeah. >> stephen: they are getting a robot to cut those avocados for them now. it's all going to be fine. >> maren: i love chipotle. let's not change apparently. but nashville is amazing. i don't know if you've been but incredible music culture, food
12:08 am
culture as well. tex-mex, they haven't nailed it yet. maybe that's what my next thing should be. not that i know anything about it. >> stephen: your own restaurant? >> maren: may be. i've always wanted to open a bar in nashville called "my church." it would be at an old church, may be a catholic one. >> stephen: sure. and if you run out of wind just get out some water. >> maren: okay! i love. we can break bread. you go up and take communion, is that what it's called? >> stephen: you're going to get me in trouble with my priest this sunday. >> maren: sorry. >> stephen: that's all right, i'm in enough trouble myself. you miss the southern hospitality that you grew up with? traditions you try to keep up with? >> maren: we've talked about food but my mom is really good at deviled eggs. loves rose. >> stephen: she loves rose? she drinks a mean glass of rose? >> maren: she makes a mean glass of rose but i also miss
12:09 am
the southern neurotic mom of seriously anxiously cleaning before company comes over and making everyone get in on it. i have carried that on myself, that tradition. >> stephen: it's important that when someone comes over the first thing you lay out before food is anxiety. yeah. complete mental collapse. and then you're ready to see people. >> stephen: everything has to be perfect because what if they talk about you when they leave? >> maren: they definitely will. >> stephen: you've been performing since you were ten. i imagine you have played in a million different venues. is there one that stands out to you? >> maren: yeah. there's a few weirdo ones. i remember a chili cookoff. i did a lot of those in texas. >> stephen: is it hard to get people's attention at at a chili cookoff? >> maren: yeah. they are eating chili. that's the main course. it's not the girl singing
12:10 am
karaoke on a bale of hey. but i think the weirdest gig i did in high school, every saturday, i did it for a hundred bucks a pop. i was seeing the national anthem at this amateur wrestling ring. like guys in which door masks. >> maren: all sorts of doctors. i grew up watching wwf. or now it's wwe. >> stephen: it's in court. >> maren: getting into crazy territory. my dad always look like the undertaker. >> stephen: your dad looked like the undertaker? was he one of the wrestlers? >> maren: no. oh, my god, no. >> stephen: he naturally looked like the undertaker. >> maren: yeah. he got it again. i would sing "the star-spangled banner" but that's like 90 seconds so the rest the night my friends and i am high school just watch and cheer on these amateur wrestlers. they all had a character. there was a goth one named
12:11 am
wally, yeah. wally the goth. >> stephen: mixed messages. >> maren: i think about him like every week, even now. >> stephen: wally, if you're watching, check-in. she's worried about you. >> maren: i was worried about you back then. still am. but i have the most fun and it was just like a fun way to make money and the patriotic. >> stephen: how old were you? >> maren: ia was probably 15. >> stephen: hundred bucks a pop to sing for 90 seconds is not a bad gig. >> maren: no. i the best time ad we got to the backstage. my girlfriends and i. not like any of them are cute but we got to see the wrestlers. >> stephen: you know wally is watching right now. >> maren: i'm sorry. you were cute. i liked your eyeliner. they would work on get pumped
12:12 am
up. doing the staged fights. >> stephen: were you accompanied or a cappella? >> maren: a cappella. i had to walk out onto the ring. >> stephen: can i sing the national anthem with you sometime. i know the baseline. i don't know the melody. i think you and i could rocket. >> maren: let's try. start low. that's the rule. if you start to hire, and you are like ♪ o say ♪ you've got to go real high at the end. i always go ♪ o say ♪ ♪ can you see ♪ ♪ by the dawn's early light ♪ ♪ what so proudly we hailed ♪ ♪ at the twilight's ♪ ♪ last gleaming ♪ ♪ whose broad stripes ♪ ♪ and bright stars ♪ ♪ through the perilous fight ♪ ♪ o'er the ramparts ♪ ♪ we watched ♪ ♪ were so gallantly streaming ♪
12:13 am
here goes! ♪ and the rockets' red glare ♪ ♪ ahhhhh ♪ >> maren: oh, [bleep]. ♪ through the night ♪ ♪ that our flag ♪ ♪ was still there ♪ ♪ o say does that ♪ ♪ star-spangled banner ♪ ♪ yet wave ♪ ♪ o'er the land of the free ♪ ♪ and the home of the brave ♪ [cheers and applause]
12:14 am
>> stephen: i want to sing that. >> maren: where did that come from? >> stephen: i want to sing that with you at an amateur wrestling match. for 100 bucks. we'll split it 50/50. 50 bucks apiece. always good to have a fallback. this job could go away tomorrow. >> maren: that's true. >> stephen: we have to take a quick break but we'll be right back with more maren morris, everybody. stick around. ♪ “don't let go” ♪ by terrace martin, mr talkbox, pj morton ♪ don't let me go ♪ ♪ no ♪ ♪ don't let me go ♪ ♪ no ♪ ♪ don't let me go ♪ ♪ no, no, no don't let me go ♪ ♪ don't let me go ♪ ♪ no don't you ever let me go ♪ ♪ don't you ever let me go ♪ ♪ don't you ever let me go ♪ ♪
12:15 am
sometimes jonah wrestles with falling asleep... ...so he takes zzzquil. the world's #1 sleep aid brand. and wakes up feeling like himself. get the rest to be your best with non-habit forming zzzquil. ♪ ♪ some people just know that the best rate for you is a rate based on you, with allstate. because there are people out there who aren't you. a lot of them. and you don't drive like... whoa. i don't want my child being raised by a robot! other drivers are not you. yes, thank you so much to all 50 of my subscribers. nope, definitely not you. save with drivewise and get a rate based on you. you're in good hands with allstate. hi, i'm ben and i've lost 60 pounds on golo.
12:16 am
(guitar music) with other programs i've tried in the past they were unsustainable, just too restrictive. with golo i can enjoy my food and the fear and guilt of eating is gone. at tj maxx, you can afford to turn your closet into a place of endless expression. with the quality, styles, and prices you love. ♪♪ ♪ (upbeat music playing) ♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
12:17 am
12:18 am
12:19 am
♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody. we are back with the author of the new book "addie ant goes on an adventure." maren morris. what made you want to do a children's book? >> maren: my best friend karina are going i, she's on the road with me when i tour. we had a long drive back from one of our tour dates back in 2022 and she just will hop on my bus and will stay up till sunrise just being silly. i have read so many children's books to my son, he is four now. he has his favorite books. something about children's books and nostalgia, getting to repair into your inner child by revisiting these nostalgic books with your kid is so special i've always wanted to write one or perform or write a children's album. that's always been a dream of
12:20 am
mine. >> stephen: does he like it? has he read it? >> maren: he's read it. i've rented to him. >> stephen: is it scary? some children's books are scary. it's got bugs. some people are afraid of bugs. >> maren: there's harmless bugs. harriet chicken is one of the characters. lewis ladybug advises addie for this adventure her first time out of the tomato bed. watch out for her harriet chicken. she sometimes mistakes a bug like you for a kernel of corn. that survival tactics that we teach them subtly through children's literature. >> stephen: sounds like you would make a pretty good action movie. >> maren: yeah. >> stephen: the book is "addie ant goes on an adventure." it's available everywhere now.
12:21 am
it's maren morris, everybody. we'll be right back with demetri martin. (vo) you might be used to living with your albuterol asthma rescue inhaler, but it's a bit of a dinosaur, because it only treats your symptoms, not inflammation. treating both symptoms and inflammation with rescue is supported by asthma experts. finally, there's a modern way to treat symptoms and asthma attacks. airsupra is the first ever dual-action rescue inhaler that treats your asthma symptoms and helps prevent attacks. airsupra is the only rescue fda-approved to do both. airsupra is an as-needed rescue inhaler and should not be used as a maintenance treatment for asthma. get medical help right away if your breathing does not improve, continues to worsen, or for serious allergic reactions. using airsupra more than prescribed could be life threatening. serious side effects include heart problems, increased risk of thrush or infections.
12:22 am
welcome to the modern age of dual-action asthma rescue. ask your doctor if airsupra is right for you. ♪ i'm gonna hold you forever... ♪ ♪ i'll be there... ♪ ♪ you don't... ♪ ♪ you don't have to worry... ♪ [bell dings] are you good? no, i think i'm late on my car insurance. good thing the general gives you a break when you need it. yeah, with flexible payment options to keep you covered. just tag us in. ouaaaahhhh! [bell dings] for a great low rate, go with the general. (vo) want to upgrade but still paying off your locked phone? ouaaaahhhh! break free from 3-year device contracts.[bell dings] switch to t-mobile,
12:23 am
and we'll pay off your phone. and upgrade you to one of the latest 5g phones, free. (screams) bleeding gums are serious, jamie. dr. garcia? woah. they're a sign of bacterial infection. crest gum detoxify's antibacterial fluoride works below the gumline to help heal gums and stop bleeding. crest saves the day. crest. with so many choices on booking.com there are so many tina feys i could be. so i hired body doubles. indoorsy tina loves a deluxe suite. ooh! booking.com booking.yeah
12:24 am
12:25 am
♪ ♪ >> stephen: there you go.
12:26 am
caught me by surprise. welcome back, everybody. ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a standup comedian who has just released his seventh comedy special, "demetri deconstructed." please welcome back to the "late show," demetri martin. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> demetri: i feel like this is going well. >> stephen: what? >> demetri: it's going well. >> stephen: this? >> demetri: yeah. >> stephen: so far, so good. let's not blow it. let's not get cocky. you just got into town i hear from los angeles. >> demetri: yes, i just came in yesterday. >> stephen: you lived in new york for a long time. >> demetri: 15 years. >> stephen: are happy to be back? a great day to be here. >> demetri: i feel so lucky to be back. i hear it wasn't so nice a couple days ago. super lucky. thanks for having me.
12:27 am
a great reason to get to come back to new york. i got to walk around today. i went to places i used to go and hang out and everything. it's weird, when you live somewhere for a while, then you move. i'm now 15 years in california so it's as long as i was here. i'm like oh, i'm not local anymore. i was walking around and it was beautiful. went to bryant park, had lunch and then i had to pee and i was like, i forgot. you can't pee anywhere in new york. no one will let you. you can't pee anywhere. no one has a bathroom. they won't let you in. oh, man. having perspective as an outsider and i was like i get it now. because everybody is in such a rush in new york because they have to pee. people are trying to go, they're trying to get somewhere to pee, even the cabdrivers. get out of the way. i've got to pee. that kind of works. >> stephen: makes sense. the corollary to that is there's
12:28 am
no where to pee other than everywhere. >> demetri: that's right. >> stephen: that's the darker, deeper truth. >> demetri: no one can pee anywhere but someone is peeing somewhere. it balances. >> stephen: it was the four over the last time you were here. how have the last four years been treating you? >> demetri: it's been pretty good. my wife and i have a couple kids. >> stephen: congrats. in the last four years? >> demetri: no, they were there before but we kept them. they continued. they are seven and ten. not in that order. we did it the traditional... but they are good. my kids really wanted to have a pet. don't have any pets. we don't have any relatives because i'm from the east coast so we don't have any family or anything. >> stephen: are you against pets? >> demetri: no. i'm allergic to a lot of them but i travel a lot so that's the hard part. i would be out of the picture. i wouldn't be one of the caretakers. it's really tough and my kids
12:29 am
really wanted to get a pet. so we did a little research we were like what could we get them? what is low maintenance? portis. tortoise. the big news is we got a tortoise. >> stephen: nodded turtle. portis. >> demetri: turtles are more wet. tortoise. >> stephen: the difference, tortoises live a hundred and 30 years. just got a generational pet. you have great grandchildren going damn you demetri martin. >> demetri: it's a baby tortoise. >> stephen: a baby? >> demetri: sleeps 22 to 23 hours a day so that's low maintenance. eats a piece of lettuce. just apiece. the poop is the size of a dime or a nickel, very low maintenance. we got at three or four weeks ago. >> stephen: they are very cuddly. >> demetri: very cuddly. two days and two days into it
12:30 am
and my son comes up to me and my wife pulls us aside and says listen, i can't handle the responsibility. i am out. >> stephen: the 7-year-old with a 10-year-old? >> demetri: he said i'm out. all right. two more days, my daughter last two more days and she's out. so now my wife and i have to take care of this thing for like 50 years. >> stephen: you're on the road a lot so it's your wife. >> demetri: it's her tortoise. >> stephen: a lot of responsibility. when you have an immortal pet. >> demetri: i always want to put stickers on it. i feel like you could put stickers on without hurting it. i'm not doing it. >> stephen: you probably are wrong. i'm guessing something would come off when you peeled off the outside. salmonella. >> demetri: yes. you've got to wash her hands a lot. >> stephen: you don't talk about your kids in your set much. i know you love being a dad. >> demetri: i don't know them that well. >> stephen: because you're on
12:31 am
the road. >> demetri: they are young. they haven't been around long. >> stephen: seven and ten. >> demetri: i do know them well. >> stephen: do they know what you do? i kind of kept what i did for my kids for a long time. i was in character. >> demetri: you protecting your kids' privacy from what i remember. we are doing it kind of more private. when they get older if they want to often. >> stephen: i only talk about three of them. >> demetri: so they get to know the difference. this is what it's like for you. with my kids, they do seem to know now what i do and just last year actually my wife brought them to see me live for the first time which was kind of exciting. it was cool. after the show i came on stage and i was super excited to see what they would think and my daughter was there, first person i saw. she came up to me right away and gave me a hug and whispered in my ear and she said what did you think and she said "we watched for a few minutes and then it
12:32 am
got boring so we came back stage." so she was punished severely. >> stephen: you've got to. she doesn't go to college now. >> demetri: she will take care of that tortoise. >> stephen: you've got another netflix special here, "demetri deconstructed." this is your seventh. >> demetri: the new special is the first in a trilogy. i'm trying something different. three specials linked narratively, each one stands on its own as a special but it's going to be a large story. this is part one. my inspiration was nouvelle vague, french new wave cinema, early 1960s. paris. see? it's going to kill. they love it. they love it. >> stephen: let's see what that means. jim. >> i do crowd work. where is everybody from? this is on tv. hey, where are you from?
12:33 am
what do you do? email me. [laughter] >> demetri: i saw myself staring at it. >> stephen: demetri, wonderful to see you as always. "demetri deconstructed" is on netflix now. it's demetri martin, everybody. we'll be right back. - temperatures cooling down as we head into the weekend and stronger onshore... ah, i stepped off the coast again. - the winds are really picking up. - fog spreading farther inland. - and in the north bay, you're gonna get soaked. (water splashing) - [narrator] presenting the bay area's only virtual weather studio. next level weather. - as i lift this, you can actually see... - [narrator] on kpix and pix+.
12:34 am
(wind blowing) it's that real. (water splashing) - let's move on to the seven-day now. chipotle's chicken al pastor is back. and it's fire on every level. fresh chicken hot off the grill, mixed with morita peppers, a splash of pineapple and fresh lime.
12:35 am
it's where fire meets flavor. chipotle's chicken al pastor, the wait is over. ( ♪ ♪ ) ♪ (just one kiss) ♪ ( ♪ ♪ ) with reynolds wrap, cooking becomes so easy you can feel like the chef of your kitchen. easy prep. easy cook. easy clean. reynolds wrap. are you living out god■s destiny for your life? jack hibbs: i honestly didn■t see myself as a pastor. i had no desire to do that. joni: jack hibbs shares how god took him from humble beginnings to walking in power and purpose. ♪ from the mountains to the coast... ♪ ♪ heatin' up the kitchen ♪ ♪ we got somethin different ♪ ♪ spreadin' good vibes all day ♪
12:36 am
♪ todos a la mesa ♪ ♪ que buena la mezcla ♪ ♪ it don't get no better ♪ ♪ livin' in the golden state ♪ ♪ lovin' this land everyday ♪ ♪ norte a sur lo puedes ver ♪ ♪ nada se puede comparar ♪ ♪ livin' in the golden state ♪ ♪ vive en el estado dorado...yeah ♪
12:37 am
>> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be christiane amanpour and wilmer valderrama. now stick around for "after midnight." good night! ♪ ♪

43 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on