that is very good. that is very clear. a) i can eat live worms... that's an interesting start. b) i know the difference between a giganotosaurus and a tyrannosaurus rex.... yeah, that's good too, but-- ( scary voice ) c) i can do this voice. there's something to be said for a short speech, ben. (d-- you said we'd leave ten minutes ago! i know, but we can't leave until jane finally drops off alexa. you should have told her-- i said. i did. i said seven-thirty so she'd be here at eight. what is it now? eight-twenty. she's onto it, isn't she? maybe i should start telling her an hour earlier. or a day. maybe you should just tell her

that she can't go on mucking everyone around like this. n) i'm brilliant at football. p) i-- "i'm brilliant at the alphabet." (scary voice) i can do this voice. you already said that one. now come on, get your shoes on-- and on your feet, this time. ( truck back-up alarm outside ) oh, they're collecting the bins. must be leap year. ( car horn honks ) get your shoes on. look, pete, it's about our holiday-- i've checked the website, and today's the last day we can cancel and still get some of our money back. dad: right. i suppose it would stop us getting deeper into the hole. ben (chanting): ♪ jake's texting jo, jake's in love with jo ♪ ♪ jake wants to sext jo ben! can't you control him? i think you know the answer to that. ♪ you're taking the beeping beep ♪ ♪ i've seen better beeping souffle ♪ ♪ up your beeping beep beep oh! boo hoo! waah haah! i hate hell's kitchen! it's too hot, it's too horrid. oh, boo hoo! bye bye! bye bye!

( sobbing noises ) pete. you've rearranged the stuff i put it in the dishwasher. that's because the knives don't clean properly unless they are blade up. if you put the blade up, you're going to stab yourself. there is a mouse in the trap in the laundry room. dead? no, he's doing his laundry. can you deal with it, please? ( doorbell ) jake, can you let jane and alexa in, please? can i have some ice cream money? you've got money in your piggy bank. i spent it. what on? on my friends. well, that's nice. i gave everybody in my class 20p. why? so they'd vote for me in the school council election. ben, you can't give all your classmates 20p to buy their votes. why? isn't it enough? no, you see, ben, that isn't how democracy works. what am i saying? anyway, can i have some ice cream money? ben, i said get your shoes on! come on! next up is nigella! oommy, aweee,

slurpy, skirpy, lovely, ovely, scrummy, tasty, mastey, slurpy, burpy. jake: it's not jane. two men delivering a shelving unit. the one i waited in for yesterday. can you get them to put it in the sitting room, please? no, they've gone. they put it in the hall. oh! it's flatpack! they didn't say anything on their website about it being flatpack. is some furniture not flatpack, then? karen! what's up with the suit, dad? you up in front of another disciplinary panel? no. it's johnsy's funeral. what happens at a funeral? well, uh, when someone dies, all their friends get together and they...say goodbye to them. wouldn't it be better if their friends said goodbye before the person died? well, ideally, yes. ben! shoes! delicious. pernicious.

lovely...lovely. let's have a taste now. yuck! (spits) that was just beeping beeping beeping beeping beeping bollocks! you're beeping beeping out! see you next beeping beeping thursday. good-beeping-bye! ( doorbell ) jake: i got that. right, that's jane. whatever you do, don't feel sorry for her, but she's a single mom. don't get involved, and-- hi, jane. sorry. sorry, sorry. what am i like? it's just that nick rang to talk about the maintenance at eight in the morning, and can you believe this-- no, that's terrible. still, we better get alexa in the car and off to school. eh, alexa? i've been telling mummy that all morning. don't often see you in a suit, pete. funeral. one of his work colleagues died suddenly. oh, pete!

isn't death just the worst? my uncle died when nick and we were still together, and nick just couldn't relate to the grieving process. just brought everything back to him, him, him. if it wasn't about him, he's not interested. can you imagine how annoying that can get? yes. i know, let's play "stupid mummies" again. yeah. what am i like? i'm like a silly mummy that's always late and says, "oh, i know it's a bit cheeky, "but can alexa stay forever?" oh, what am i like? oh, what am i like? no, what am i like? no, what am i like? come on, jake! wagons roll! can i just ask you something? can't it wait? it's just i wondered if you could possibly have alexa this evening. i know it's cheeky of me-- oh, i'm really sorry. we'd love to, it's just-- it's just that we--we-- we're going out. yeah. we're going out. 'cause pete's got this work due, haven't you, and we've got a baby-sitter. oh. right. she couldn't just have one more-- no. 'cause she'll only do three at a time.

it's a kind of rule. agency thing. health & safety. if they do more than three, they insist on sending a second sitter. there was an incident-- yes, where a child... escaped. but...look, if it's an agency, can you give me the number? ooh. where did you put that, sue? well, you know, pete, i think i gave it to you. right, i'll get that for you. here it is. ( clears throat ) 0-8-0... double-0-7... ...1066. ( horn honks ) oh, god, that's me double-parked. people get so worked up, don't they? well, they do if they're driving an ambulance. ( siren blares ) bye-bye, sweetie. bye.

right, time to go. mummy was shouting on the phone to daddy. was she? come on, boys. come on! she said the f-word, the b-word, and the k-word. k-word? i think it's a spelling thing. oh. come on, come on, everyone. ben: knock knock. mum: who's there? heath. heath who? heath in love with jo! hi, sue. hi, barbara. kids: morning, sue. hi, kids. jake: shut up, you little prick! shut up, you little bloody idiot! boys! boys! ben: i'm gonna kill you! just 'cause you're bigger than me doesn't mean... lucy, get that box by the door. it's just one or two things that came over the fence. oh, just-- boys, please! just chuck 'em back over. the tea pot might break. just because you're bigger than me doesn't mean you can push me around! i'm gonna kill you! ben! get. in. the. car. thanks. obviously, we'll do the same for you should your children throw anything in our garden... ever.

( shouting ) can you get in the bloody car, please!?! jake: idiot! they do get excitable, don't they? mine are just the same. i think not. how does she do that? is it witchcraft? ( car starts ) ben! i told you never touch the ignition! ben: i was only trying to help. ben: the anaconda is attacking me! revenge of the enemy giant anaconda nest! aah! fire! ( making gun noises ) ( gurgling ) come back here, you. ( machine gun noises ) aaah! dead! ( quiet conversation ) jake, sweetheart, could you do me a favor and go and get the screwdriver? the one in the cupboard upstairs?

okay. so, jo, it's great that jake's got a friend who's a girl. as well as all his friends who are boys. 'cause a lot of boys his age just have... boys as friends until they get girls as friends... who are girlfriends. mm. but that's usually when they're a lot older, isn't it? yeah, that's true. ( whispers ) never call me "sweetheart." not that one. the one with the different head. gawd. you're a beeping waste of beeping space! why are you saying "beep"? it's baby-ish. it is not, because whenever gordon brown says a swear word on telly, there's a man behind him with a big machine that puts a beep over it.

you've got it all wrong. one, it's gordon ramsey, not gordon brown, and two, he has a beeper in his pocket, so when he's gonna say a swear word he hits his pocket and it makes a beeping sound. sometimes when he swears, he goes, "yeah, baby!" and his arms wave in the air really wildly. dad: hello, you two. hello! so, uh, how are you getting on? i've got allen key wrist and i think that i've put an akx where a bgx2 should be. anyway. pete, this is jo, jake's friend. oh, hi, jo. hi. you are well? fine, thanks. i think it's really good that jake's got a friend who's a girl. yeah, we've done that. how was it? well, it was a...funeral.

oh, i don't know. poor johnsy, you know, you're 43, you feel a bit under the weather, next thing...bosh. there's a guitar in the hall. uh, yeah. i was, um... i was passing that guitar shop on the way back from the funeral, and i've wanted to learn a musical instrument for ages, but i've-- i thought what the hell? you've got your guitar. maybe we could...jam together. do you fancy the drums, jo? no, she plays clarinet for the english national youth orchestra. oh. anyway, you'd be crap. well, i'll be crap to start with, but i'll get better. and so will i. so when you get a bit better, i'll get a lot better, so compared to me, you'll still be crap. so when you were little and you were crap at football, i still played in the park with you, didn't i? that's different, because i'm getting better and you're getting worse. i don't think so. i beat him at football all the time. listen, last time we played, i nutmegged him twice. you did not nutmeg me. i nutmegged you.

and it's more difficult with a child, because you've got smaller legs. mum, isn't it true that every time gordon ramsey swears there's a man behind him with a big machine that puts a beep over it? well, no, no, no. they do that afterwards. what do you mean, afterwards? it'd be too late afterwards. because he'll already have sweared. well, you're sort of right-- wouldn't it just be easier for him not to say a swear word? well, sometimes, when he's feeling angry or... or he's under pressure, he just-- well, can't he just say something like "flip" or "bother"? shouldn't it be people like doctors and soldiers and artists that swear, not cooks, because all they're doing is making salad. well, sometimes they're quite, um... hang on. why am i defending gordon ramsey? yes, why are you? i think people like... like artists should swear,

because they spend a lot of time making a lovely picture, and then it goes wrong! so they have to do it again, then it goes wrong and they have to do it again... ( shouting outside ) what is going on out there?! ben: they're having a penalty shoot-out! jake: you're crap, and you know you are. you're crap, yes, yes, and you know you are. all right, enough. that was really sweet of you. sorry? to let jake win in front of jo. oh. well, you know. it was really sweet of you to let jo win as well. jo: pete, sue, thanks very much, but i'd better be heading home now. you can stay to tea if you like. no, i promised my lot i'd cook. but thanks anyway. dad: she cooks for her...? so, his first crush, eh? yeah. what? may be batting a bit out of his league.

what do you mean? you know-- clever, sporty, pretty, plays clarinet for england. and? i just remember the first girl i really fell for was a bit like that, and she put me down with a bit of a bump. yeah, but jake's a really confident and good-looking boy. whereas? you were a bit nerdy. you said so yourself. well, i was-- you said that whenever you tried to speak to a girl you broke out in a really foul-smelling sweat. well, some girls found that kind of shyness endearing. not so much the sweat. oh... how was the funeral? pretty grim. d'you know johnsy was planning on having a year off, travel around the world... and then, wallop. oh, bugger it, let's not cancel our holiday. we'll get deeper in the hole. the whole country's in debt. so are we in a lot of money trouble, then?

no. no. so, um, how long you been listening? since "really foul-smelling sweat." zack's mum and dad had money trouble. they had to sell their house and move to swansea. i'm sorry, we didn't mean to alarm you, we just... maybe we should talk to you kids about it, treat you like grown-ups. good idea. murderer! what? you murdered a mouse, and now it's in a trap in the laundry room! i thought you were gonna sort it. sorry. murderer! why are you blaming me? you can't have mice in the house, can you? why not? 'cause they're dirty and they smell. so does ben. they run around the house and they poo everywhere. so does ben. that's not fair! i had diarrhea! but you got it all on that man's shoes. yeah, they probably should have toilets on the millennium wheel. god, what a long half hour that was. anyway. karen, it's nearly tea time. come and help me set the table.

you did such a fantastic job last time. no! you're a mouse killer! karen! i meant to get rid of it, and then bloody jane turned up. brilliant. can't rely on anyone. you're right there. not even your friends. are you all right, sweetheart? they voted for ross as class rep. oh, i'm sorry to hear that. did he pay them more money than you? no, he didn't give them any money. he's just-- he's popular. no, that's not right. once you've sold your vote, you should stick to it. jake: when are we gonna have this family chat about money? we could have it now, couldn't we? we could have a family meeting over tea. karen, come and sit down! mum, can you guarantee that we're definitely not-- oi! can you guarantee we're definitely not gonna lose the house? yes. it's not like that. we're just a bit short of money at the moment. we can't even afford a cup of tea. what do you mean? well, one day, me and mummy were walking down the street, and there was a man sitting on the pavement with his dog. a very nice dog, actually. and he asked, "do you have enough money for a cup of tea?"

and mum said, "no." yeah, but i didn't exactly mean-- well, he looked thirsty. i'm sure he was thirsty. ben, can you-- ben, you don't understand. mum was lying so that she didn't have to give the man money. no, i wasn't lying-- ben: then why did you tell him we couldn't? we can afford a cup of tea. so you were lying. she lies and she murders mice. karen, i think we need to set the mouse...thing to one side. all we mean is... that we just have to be a bit more careful with money at the moment. and i'm...looking for another job. ( phone rings ) oh. and you lot can all help with the little things like... mum: hi, dad! eating all your food. look at this. fantastic. like that's gonna happen. and switching off all the lights.... no, no, no, it's tomorrow you go for your flu jab. do you remember? 'cause i wrote it on the wall. what do you mean you cleaned the wall? i saw ben leave his lights on this morning. yes.

karen, it is not good to tell on people all the time. that is not true! and he called me some bad words! he called me a ninny, stop. and he called me an idiot, karen. and he called me a motherfudger. no. it's not a motherfudger, it's a mother-- ben, enough. anyway, what is a motherfudger? we don't need to know. it's a mother that's made of fudge and you can eat them. hmm. is it a swear word? doesn't matter. now-- can i call ben it? no, you can't-- ow! what? ben kicked me! no, i did not, you li--ow! ben--ben-- right, ben, come on, no, i did not! swap with jake. sit here, please. you're the one who pinched me, and i'll kill you! but you needn't worry about that, dad. no, because she's not iranian. no--no, dad, dad, she is not iranian. dad, dr. higginbottom is not iranian.

all right? anyway, there's no point turning off the lights. it's too late to stop global warming now. jo says your generation's completely ruined the world for our generation. does she. well, then, you can turn the lights off so we don't have to move to swansea. so we could lose the house? no, no, no, no-- i know how we can save money. right. by not buying broccoli. actually, broccoli isn't that expensive. how much are we in debt? but we don't need it. i don't know exactly how much-- can you do this? ( farty sounds ) i'm trying to have a serious conversation with dad. that means you can't. and even karen can do that, shut up. and she's half your age! shut up! shut up! oh, god. jake. jake. come and sit here. no. that leaves ben and karen together. jake, you sit here-- right, ben! idiot. bloody musical chairs. you said "bloody." why is it always me who has to move? you're the one who pinched me! ( kids all shouting ) shut up!!!

is the family meeting over, then? it is. and we are never having another one. what about "any other business?" shut up. so you'll be writing out the minutes? shut up. i don't believe this. kylie bell has written "alexander the great" as "alexander the gr8." still, at least she knows who alexander the great is. oh, no, my mistake. mum: gin and tonic? yeah. we haven't got any lemons. doesn't matter. or ice. that's fine. ( ben screaming upstairs ) we've got half an hour to cancel the holiday. good god. i suppose we should, really. no. sod it. let's go. well, will we be all right financially, do you think? probably not, but we can always sell our kidneys on ebay.

sod it. i don't think we've got any tonic, either. doesn't matter. yeah, we'll wing it somehow. d'you know, turns out i was the last person to speak to johnsy before he died. ah. jake: so, the last words johnsy heard from another human being were, "don't worry, you'll live." refill? gin and gin? yeah. oh, no. now this one can't spell "alexander" or "great" but they can spell "the," so he should probably get a "b" at a-level. well, what do you expect from a kid who's named after a games console? where's the mouse that you killed? i put it in a plastic bag in the bin. i want to give it a proper funeral in the garden. it needs closure. closure.

right. well, uh, as long... as you promise to keep it in the plastic bag-- don't snatch!-- and you thoroughly wash your hands afterwards. is it a girl or a boy? i haven't had the results of the post-mortem. well, if it was a mummy mouse, then it will have had lots of little babies waiting in its hole for it to come back, and saying, "squeak, squeak, squeak! where's my mummy?" why are you addressing all this to me? because daddy said that you were the one who couldn't bear mice. look, i only-- karen, it was both of us decided to put out the traps, okay? she told you to say that. karen! why is it always mum who gets it in the neck? ( doorbell ) jake! whoever that is-- jake: i know, just say, "no, thank you." always me, isn't it? she's always all over lovely daddy. i didn't tell her that-- shh!

( jake and jane talking ) oh, my god, it's jane! god! bloody hell! hi, jane. hi, jane. pete. sue. i was expecting a baby-sitter. i know, because we-- we were gonna have a baby-sitter, but-- we stood her down. yeah, we've just put the phone down, haven't we? yes. because we were really-- pete's so-- he was still quite-- upset. the funeral. so we decided to take it easy. i...came round for alexa's book folder. you forgot it when you took her to school. did we? i--i think it might be in here. look, sue, if you have a problem with me, i would much rather you came out and said it. well, okay. yes, there is a problem.

um... you never pick up when you say you're going to pick up, and to be honest, it makes things very difficult. ( exhales ) you're right. thank you for being honest. you're probably right, i'm useless. i'm a useless friend, and... i'm a useless mother. what's this? heroes. is that the cheerleader that can't be killed? yeah. dad, if you had a big red button on your chest, yeah? and you knew that if you pushed it you couldn't die and you'd be alive forever, would you push it? no. at least not until the moment i was gonna die. then i'll push it. jo seems nice. yeah, i like her. so you're...friends? yeah. it's good to have friends. although sometimes i think it's a good idea

not to put all your eggs in one basket friends-wise. don't you like her? yes. no. y-yes and-yes. she's fantastic. all i mean is that everyone should have lots of friends-- boys, girls--all sorts. well, those are the only sorts. but...everyone should have lots of friends because... then they won't get upset if their special friend stops being their special friend. you and mum are splitting up, aren't you? no! no, we're-- no, definitely not. ben: faster than a handkerchief, but slower than a ryvita. dad's bill... ( shredder whines ) that's faster than i thought. ( shredder straining ) hmm.

i try really hard to stay on top of things, i really do. it's just that nick's going to court to try to kick me out of the house, and-- ( sobs ) oh-- i'm sorry! this isn't like me! no. dad: and then everyone stood up and started talking about these amazing things that-- amazing things that johnsy had done when he was young. i had no idea. ben, stop it. but... it did make me wonder what people would say about me if i died. they'd say you were very, very tall. hmm. thank you, ben. and they'd also say, "ben, now you can have a puppy." i'm glad you're putting such a positive spin on it. yeah, they'd say good stuff about you, dad. you think so? well, it's what people have to say at a funeral really, isn't it? even if the bloke who's just died was a bit of a tosser. that's what jo says, anyway. what would be the coolest way to die? karen: brethrens,

we are gathered here in the vision of jesus to say goodbye to this-- to this mouse, killed before its time. we have given it cheese and bread for its journey to heaven, or at least if it goes to hell, it'll have cheese on toast. next up is the pope. and they're trying to chase the man up the cliff, and the man falls down the cliff and the crocodiles get him. and you saw that on youtube? no, but i'd like to. is jane gone, then? oh, yeah. about time. it's about time we put our foot down, stopped her lumbering us with alexa with all that "boo hoo, my life's so hard" routine. yeah. well done, sweetheart. cup of tea? slice of cake? yeah. mmm. but the way, we're having alexa for the weekend. dust to dust, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health, may the force be with you, because you're worth it.

amen and out. thank you. aaah! we let them watch tv on sundays as a special treat. we ban all tv on a sunday. ( kids shouting ) next door do it. we can't compete with that. the older they get, the more it turns into one-way traffic. i won't be having sex till i'm fourteen or fifteen... hopefully.