the music of pink martini, and "headlines." and now, jay leno! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television captions by vitac www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: thank you, gentlemen. welcome to "the tonight show." nice to have you all here! everybody in a festive mood? [ cheers and applause ]

i love this. i know it's the holidays and all, but listen to this, the fda is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. [ audience oohs ] is that how fat we're getting in this country? our ovens are too slow now? [ laughter ] who has time to preheat an oven? just roll up the dough -- [ laughter ] just wait for the cookie! [ light laughter ] and i read today, more and more candy manufacturers this year are making chocolates with beer. one company is making beer -- beer and pretzel truffles. [ cheers and applause ] beer -- beer mixed with chocolate and pretzels. didn't that used to be called vomit? [ laughter ] didn't that used to be called vomit? beer mixed -- [ applause ] oh. and once again, mattel selling the most toys this holiday season. you know what's still a big seller? barbie dolls. barbie dolls are huge.

[ cheers and applause ] is that a guy? "yeah!" what a -- somewhat creepy, sir. you know, barbie is actually called different things in different parts of the world. like in beverly hills the barbie doll is usually called "stepmom." did you know that? [ laughter ] yeah, just one of those cultural differences. oh, it's time once again for something we like to call "the most wonderful time of the year." ♪ it's the most wonderful time of the year ♪ [ audience ohs ] [ applause ] >> jay: ah -- ah. well in north korea they announced the passing of their supreme leader, kim jong-il. his younger son will take over. at first, there was speculation that power could pass to one of kim's two sisters, kourtney jong-il or khloe jong-il. [ laughter ] no, that did not happen. that did not happen. and michele -- yeah.

[ cheers and applause ] yeah. and michele bachmann -- as you know, foreign affairs not her strong suit. when she was told of the supreme leader's death she said, "i didn't even know diana ross was sick." i had no idea. [ laughter ] and rick perry, you know? rick perry -- rick perry didn't fair much better. when he was told about kim jong-il, he said, "i never heard of him, but then again, i don't listen to that rap music." [ laughter ] so i don't think -- i don't think he understood -- kim jong -- yeah. i don't know. [ cheers and applause ] you know, did you see this? you know, during the debates the other night, rick perry compared himself to tim tebow. you know what rick and tebow have in common? both their seasons will end before february. okay? that we know. we know both their seasons -- [ cheers and applause ] i know, i tell ya -- i am gonna miss rick perry 'cause he makes so many mistakes -- that his campaign -- what they've told him to do is get back to basics, and in his campaign ads, just talk about what you know.

that's what they told perry. "just talk about what you know." well, here's his latest ad. ♪ >> it's almost 2012. i'm rick perry, and i approve this message. [ laughter and applause ] and "the new york post" is reporting that jets quarterback mark sanchez romanced two different women within a few hours of each other at a new york city hotel. you know, sanchezing sounds a a lot more fun than tebowing, doesn't it? [ laughter ] just seems like -- as you know, tim tebow -- tim tebow and the broncos lost this weekend to tom brady and the patriots. [ cheers and applause ] well, you gotta wonder. you gotta wonder who the lord favors more. i mean, he gave tim tebow six wins in a row. but then again, he gave tom brady gisele, you know? so, you gotta -- [ light laughter ] [ scattered applause ] figure out which way it goes, there. and nba superstar, chris paul, attended his first press conference as a los angeles clipper last week.

you know -- [ scattered cheers ] well -- well, you know something -- he said something that caught the reporters -- off guard. take a look, here. take a look. >> i'm excited to be here in l.a. with this unbelievable franchise. you know, there's so much history behind it. [ laughter ] >> jay: yeah, nobody -- [ applause ] what history? and listen to this -- because the clippers obtained chris paul, some people are trading in their laker tickets and getting clipper tickets. yeah, you know who did that this week? kobe's wife. yeah, she traded in -- [ audience ohs ] [ rim shot ] got rid of those tickets. yeah. yeah, well -- ♪ kobe bryant's wife has filed for divorce. the good news, even if she gets three -- if she gets three of kobe's nba rings in a a settlement, kobe will still have two more than lebron, so that's interesting. [ cheers and applause ] so that's something interesting to follow. and barry bonds was sentenced to 30 days of house arrest for

lying to a grand jury about steroid use. see, this sends a message to kids. you break the rules, you lie to the federal government, you can be forced to spend 30 days in a a $10 million mansion. [ light laughter ] so that's just -- that's something to think about, kids. you know, i keep seeing this ad on tv for k-y jelly. [ light laughter ] you know, i -- i don't believe they -- but they actually run these -- i don't get it. this one's for k-y jelly warming sensation. see, warming sensation down there is a good thing. burning sensation -- eh. [ laughter ] it's a fine line. just a fine line. you want to have the -- [ applause ] have you seen this new apple karaoke app that turns your iphone into a mobile karaoke machine? you know what we need? an app that turns my iphone into gun so i can shoot the guy with the karaoke machine -- [ light laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ] oh. and lindsay lohan's "playboy magazine" photo shoot -- it turns out to be a huge success. flying off the shelves -- it's just -- setting record numbers. in fact, it's selling so well, today, dina lohan called hef and said, "you know, i got another daughter." you know? [ laughter ] oh, yeah. i'm way off base. [ light laughter ] folks, it's time for a new segment we call "the reason cats have nine lives." watch this cat. ♪ here he is scoping out the situation. okay. looks around. he's planning. he's got to get over to that other building. okay. [ laughter ] ♪ [ applause ]

and nova scotia university is looking to recruit professional patients for doctors to practice on as they learn their craft. listen to this. men would get paid to get 12 proctology exams a day. [ light laughter ] you know how much they're paying the guys? not enough! [ laughter ] it's not enough! oh, man! you thought -- 12? 12 a day? you thought your boss was on your ass at work. oh, my gosh! [ laughter ] please. well, according to "tmz," barbara walters is gonna retire in 2012, just as the ancient mayans predicted. [ laughter ] you know, on -- you know, on barbara walters -- [ cheers and applause ] on barbara walters' "most

fascinating people of 2 2011" special last week, she told the kardashian sisters, "you don't sing, you don't dance, you don't act, forgive me, but you don't have any talent." hey, barbara, you're the one that found them fascinating. why'd you put them on the show? [ cheers and applause ] folks, we'll be right back with "headlines," and the beautiful sandra bullock. say hello to rickey minor and "the tonight show" band! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ online, now i'm picking it up right here. blueshirt: looks like santa's got some competition this year, huh? mom: yes he does. mom: ho-ho-ho. ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. vo: shop bestbuy.com and get free shipping on everything. or pick it up at any store the same day. and right now get $150 off select samsung laptops. at best buy.

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so, if the mint makes this hot chocolate cool, does the mint hot chocolate make me cool? not really. the new mint hot chocolate from dunkin' donuts. grab the cool sensation of mint today. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: welcome back, everybody! good to see everybody, wonderful show tonight. one of the biggest stars in hollywood, academy award-winning actress, sandra bullock is here! [ cheers and applause ] and she's a terrific writer. she won an oscar for the movie "juno," and her new movie, "young adult," starring charlize theron. diablo cody will join us. [ cheers and applause ] fascinating woman, diablo cody, and later, a special christmas song performed by pink martini. everybody's doing christmas songs this year. [ cheers and applause ] i have a superstition, it's not officially christmas until i hear nat king cole's christmas song. >> rickey: yeah.

>> jay: you know? but i can't play it myself. it has to appear magically, either on a radio or somewhere. [ light laughter ] so i turn radios on, i walk around, and when i hear it -- i heard it today, it is now officially christmas. [ cheers and applause ] hey, tomorrow night, charles barkley will be here. and later this week, we've got jonah hill, who's just unbelievable in "moneyball," if you haven't seen that. thomas haden church will join us as well, and our old buddy, terry bradshaw. it's not christmas without terry bradshaw. >> rickey: yes sir. [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: folks, it's monday night. time for "headlines." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jay: i know it's christmas, i think they could have worded this better. pucker up for mistletoe kissing balls. [ laughter ] that seems -- that's appropriate somehow. look at this picture. anastasia alexander belts out "jingle bells" to the hewlett-packard corporate concert. look at the guy behind her. he seems stunned. [ laughter and applause ]

look at this, hey guys -- do you need teeth by tonight? [ laughter ] sounds like a drug deal or something, doesn't it? "yeah, i'm gonna see this girl. i need some teeth by tonight. can you help me? she, doesn't know i don't have any teeth." now, this seems the wrong way to sell cookies to me. this seems inappropriate. girl scouts flash -- mob at the commons. [ laughter ] never show your cookies, that's what i always say. [ light laughter ] i think what they mean here is full time. now hiring, four-foot cashier. [ laughter ] here's what a lot of people say, let's put christ back in christmas, yes, siree, bob. and what better way? really, give me, uh -- [ laughter ] yeah, yeah, i mean, really --

[ applause ] >> jay: what says christmas more than a glock? and this seems wrong -- how about celebrate jesus' birthday? okay, but you don't need to put jesus in a party hat. okay, that seems way out of line. [ laughter ] it seems way out of line. holiday pancakes, 20% off the entire check, 50% off your entree. ihop, hillsburrow -- uh, read the fine print. valid in hillsburrow ihop only, not valid monday through saturday, not valid holidays and sundays. [ laughter ] okay, when are you supposed to go? every leap year? is that it? [ applause ] look at that sentence, the activities will center on second street. there visitors will find fire pits for roasting marshmallows and carolers.

wow, that seems -- [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] let us not forget hanukkah. hanukkah, as well. hanukkah. [ scattered applause ] there you go. here you go. this year the first night of hanukkah starts at sundown on tuesday, december 20th, and what better way to celebrate the jewish calendar than with a a mcrib, really. [ laughter ] really the mcrib? [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: okay. you know, i'm dyslexic. this is a mistake i would make. amish country store. come on in for live chicken music and country dinner. [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] sandberg, funeral and cremation services. stop by at our open house, and take in the aroma of the holiday season. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] yes.

it smells like grandma! [ laughter ] >> jay: are you at risk for prostate cancer? [ laughter ] all right. [ applause ] you know, when your doctor doesn't know which end to look in, that's not good. [ laughter ] not good. okay, hey, look at this, for sale. oh, this could be a deal. possible dinosaur bones, look like it, not sure. 200 dollars. [ laughter ] "uh, they're, uh, dinosaur bones, yes." you know, i tell you -- did you ever hear that expression? you would take advertising courses, "sell the sizzle, not the steak." you want to make the food sound as appealing or look as appealing as possible. usda choice. look at this. beef, bottom, sirloin, butt, flap meat.

[ laughter ] who wouldn't want some of that meat? can i get you another slice of butt flap meat? [ laughter ] what is that? what a horrible thing that is! >> rickey: that's okay. >> jay: ember, lean and tender roast beef, but look 97% fart free. [ laughter and applause ] and what did i say before about advertising? make the food look and sound as appealing as possible. chicken tenders. mm, my mouth is watering. [ laughter ] please, no more. thank you, i'm gonna have the butt flap meat instead. what do we got here?

jobs, developer plans to turn southwest. developer richard anderson hopes to develop housing. that's the best picture of richard you can find, really? [ laughter ] look richard, i'm sure you're as proud as every other guy, but please. [ light laughter ] it's the holiday season so let's show the smile of the week. it belongs to sonny clement. sonny says, "i'm smiling. i'm gonna buy me some sheets." [ laughter and applause ] i don't understand this ad, i don't know what they're trying to say. thanks to my dentist, i'm wearing my favorite jeans again. [ laughter ] what does that mean? what does that mean? what do we got, mike? two more? okay. midnight madness. if you didn't get all your

shopping done on black friday, midnight madness in saint michaels is a perfect solution. shoppes, boutiques, galleries. midnight madness, look at the last line, midnight madness is from 10:00 a.m. to noon. [ laughter ] okay. one more. lupita's closet, pet boutique and spa, grooming, professional training, free blueberry facial. all right, look at that, your dog's not gonna do that, okay? [ laughter ] the dog is not gonna put cucumbers on his eyes! dogs do not like facials! [ cheers and applause ] if you have a headline send it to "tonight show," with jay leno, 3000 west alameda avenue, burbank ca, 91523 or go to our website at tonightshow.com or facebook.com/jayleno. be right back with sandra bullock! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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