>> jimmy: very, very nice. [ cheers and applause ] all right. okay. crazy audience friday. i love it. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody! [ cheers and applause ] thank you. it's almost mother's day, so i wanted to wish all the mothers out there happy mother's day. happy mother's -- [ cheers and applause ] i love moms. i love my mom. i love mother's day. every year, i wait 'til the day before and i make my mom a necklace out of macaroni. and she still loves it. i'm 34 years old, it's sad. yeah, it's mother's day. or, as the octomom calls it, christmas. [ laughter ] let's see what else is happening today. health officials are now warning of a new super-flu. it combines the swine flu and the bird flu viruses. they're calling it the turducken of infectious diseases. [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] someone kws what turducken is. that's good. [ light laughter ] wouldn't that make it a porkducken? trademarked. [ light laughter ] this is great news.

this is really cool. the crown at the top of the statue of liberty will reopen on the fourth of july for the first time since 9/11. isn't that cool? [ cheers and applause ] visitors will now be able to touch "air force one" as it flies right past them. [ laughter ] that was frightening. kirstie alley, after gaining 83 pounds, made the cover of "people" magazine. [ scattered applause ] well, most of her made the cover of "people" magazine. [ laughter ] a lot of it's on the inside flap. and you go, "oh, there she is." [ light laughter ] yeah, i know it was wrong. they should've put her all on the cover. i agree with you guys. mickey carroll, one of the last surviving munchkins from the "wizard of oz," well, he died yesterday in st. luis, just short of his 90th birthday. [ audience groans ] who put that in there? [ laughter ] we'll take that out of there. congratulations to dolly parton who received an honorary degree today from the university of tennessee, in knoxville.

she's very proud. it's a ph-double-d. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] give me that. give me that card. it's an old joke. this is from, like, an old bob hope special. [ laughter ] it says texaco on the side. this is -- yeah. we've got to put this back in the archives. put this in the archives will you? thanks. sorry about that, folks. work in an old studio, you get some old jokes. manny ramirez was suspended after testing positive for taking hcg, which is most commonly used as a fertility drug. yeah. manny was suspended for either 50 games or one trimester. it depends on how you judge -- [ laughter ] finally, this weekend, everybody, i'm getting my degree from the college of st. rose in albany, new york. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. where i went to school 13 years ago, i dropped out. i was a few credits shy of getting my communications degree the first time around. but i guess they figured i

should be on 10 years communicating, they'd cut me some slack. so, i appreciate that. [ light laughter ] but it really brings back a lot of memories. like, this thing we used do in my dorm room, lema hall, we'd jump over these trash cans that were in the hallway. like, these garbage cans. and, usually, after quite a few beers. that's what i'd do. but now, i thought for old times sake, i'd see if i still got it. and try to jump a trash can for you guys. [ cheers and applause ] we got a trash can? [ laughter ] wearing a helmet. [ scattered applause ] i think i can handle it. this is ridiculous. [ laughter ] i don't think i need to wear this. all right. [ light laughter ] now, tonight, i've only had a couple of beers, so i'm not sure if this is gonna work. this'll be -- here we go. all right. quest, can i get a drum roll? [ drum roll ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah! we got a great show, everybody. give it up for the roots!

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah! that was not bad. that was kind of easy. one trash can. that wasn't that bad. i don't think i could do two. >> steve: why risk it? >> jimmy: why risk it, right? >> steve: move on, you did it. even with a helmet. >> jimmy: yeah. it's an exciting show tonight. david murray is with us with the band. i want to say hi to welcome him. welcome to the show. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: legendary, legendary experimental jazz saxophonist. he has more than 80 albums to his credit. is that right? >> yeah, something like that. >> jimmy: oh, my god! [ laughter ] >> more, more. >> jimmy: look, you lost count. you won a grammy for this john coltrane tribute album, is that right? >> that's right, yes. >> jimmy: you're very good. >> it was in the '80s, '88. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. now, you jammed with the roots earlier this week in new york. is that right? >> that's right.

yeah, the other night. >> jimmy: that's cool. and then you just decided you wanted to the be in the band then? >> yeah, why not? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's kind of fun. well, welcome to the show. thank you so much for coming. i appreciate you being here. [ cheers and applause ] we got a good show. good friday night show. we got not one, but two spocks on our show. [ cheers and applause ] zachary quinto and leonard nimoy are here! [ cheers and applause ] very exciting. such a good show. it's such a good show, i love it. the always entertaining, my favorite -- one of my favorite comediennes of all time, joan rivers is with us! [ cheers and applause ] i love her! oh, i love it. "you're a poker player." oh, i love her. she's so good on "the apprentice." it's great. did you see her yelling at annie duke? >> steve: yes, it was delightful. >> jimmy: "you're a poker player. a poker --" [ light laughter ] i love it. she is the greatest. and, of course, to top it all off, the beautiful, the fun, the genius chef, rachel ray is here, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] she's so cool. she's gonna show us how to make

a special meal for your mom on mother's day, which will be kind of fun. and i just wanted to thank the audience, quickly. before the show, we had an electronics recycling drive and you guys turned in a bunch of ipods. it's great. give yourselves a hand. that was really cool of you guys. [ cheers and applause ] i appreciate that. that was really nice of you guys. now, you all earned that, of course. now, i happened to look through a few of the ipods you turned in. and i noticed some pretty wrd playlists on some of them. weird enough that i think the audience at home should see some of them. i wrote some of these down. like the one that belonged to patsy taylor. is patsy here? there she is. hey, patsy. yeah. look at this ipod. she has birthday party mix. dinner party mix. anniversary party mix. pretty festive stuff. and then there's one more, cheating on my husband mix. i mean, that's not -- [ laughter ] why would that be there? that's terrible. is sally fishman here? sally shman? there she is. hey, sally. yeah, yeah. look at sally fishman's ipod. she's got summer jams, beach tunes and road trip.

and then she's got four-day acid trip. look at that. [ laughter ] sally, watch it. i mean, you're not having a flashback. you're actually on the show tonight. cover your eyes! [ laughter ] sally, put your hands in front of your face. there you go. perfect. yes. next up. is ed kirby here? ed? there's ed. how are you, ed? nice to see you. ed, you've got songs written by harry connick jr. songs written by harry chapin. and songs written by harry nilsson. that's cool stuff. but then, i think there's one more, songs that i wrote about my harry nipples. that was -- [ laughter ] you've written 76 songs. that's insane. that's a lot of songs to write about, isn't it? >> steve: are you proud of that? yeah. >> steve: wow! >> jimmy: let's go to peg davis. peg, are you here? hey, peg. there she is. peg, you got your default playlist. yeah, peg! do people call you margaret? i'm sorry. [ laughter ] yeah, that's fine. you got default playlists here. you got on the go 1. on the go 2. on the go 3. and then you've got, on the

toilet with the runs. that's -- [ laughter ] peg, why would you make a mix? that's 112 songs. >> steve: 112 songs, that's insane. why would you tell people about that? >> jimmy: i don't -- she needs the mix, apparently. >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: and clearly embarrassed. >> steve: peg, really? >> jimmy: and then there's ted evans. ted? yeah, don't act like you're not here. hey, ted. how are you? [ laughter ] you got mix one, bopping to sinatra. mix two, '40s swing. mix three, chilling to jazz. what's mix four, shaving my 'nads. see that's -- [ laughter ] again, why would you need a playlist -- >> steve: how many songs on that one? >> jimmy: what? it's much easier to do without music. >> steve: you'd think. you're concentrating. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: let's move on. let's move on. mel jameson? what's up? hey, mel. this dude likes to work out, obviously. he's got his gymix treadmill. gym mix power workout. he's got gym mix circuit training. anything else? pretending to tie my shoes for 20 minutes while checking out dudes in the locker room? [ audience oohs ] [ laughter ] all right, come on! that is -- why would you make a

mix? again, that's what i'm saying. >> steve: why would you do that? >> jimmy: it's a good thing you're saving the earth, but, i mean, these ipods are just -- >> steve: clear the playlist before you turn it in. >> jimmy: i don't understand people. mel is out of his mind. >> steve: yeah. why would you do that? >> jimmy: it's mel, it's not me. [ laughter ] all right, is benny carter? there, look at benny. >> steve: there he is. >> jimmy: well, he's got his hat on correct. that is good to see. [ laughter ] >> steve: with the hat backwards? >> jimmy: his hat is kind of not sideways even or backwards. [ laughter ] classic benny carter. yeah, yeah. >> steve: classic 3/4 carter. >> jimmy: 3/4 carter, there he is. he's got peaceful sounds of the orient. then he's got east asian melodies. [ laughter ] then he'got number one hits in japan. >> steve: do you think he has another one? >> jimmy: he's got one more. yin in my yang. [ laughter ] yin in my yang. >> steve: wow! >> jimmy: classic b.c. >> steve: that is so -- >> jimmy: classic benny carter. >> steve: oh, benny carter! >> jimmy: all right, lastly, let's do one more. is chet morgan here?

there's chet. how are you, buddy? hey! you got a nice smile there, chet. how are you doing, buddy? [ laughter ] yeah, you got -- well, you got -- [ laughter ] you're a country fan. that's cool. you got country hits. classic country jams. you got merle. you got one more there, twang in my yang! all right, that's insane! [ laughter ] all right, we're all out of ipods. thanks to everybody for donating them. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with the two spocks! come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ if you're taking 8 extra-strength tylenol... a day on the days that you have arthritis pain, you could end up taking 4 times the number... of pills compared to aleve. choose aleve and you could start taking fewer pills. just 2 aleve have the strength... to relieve arthris pain all day.

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>> zachary: great. >> jimmy: i know, the roots are amazing. >> zachary: i would like to start off the segment by saying leonard has bucked the system, he was supposed to sit here and he wouldn't. and he was supposed to come out first and he wouldn't. >> jimmy: really? he's a rebel. you can't -- >> leonard: the kids go first. >> zachary: all right. >> leonard: the kids go first. >> jimmy: now, this is the first time you guys are on the show together? >> leonard: that's right. >> jimmy: since working on a film. did you get along? >> leonard: no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i got to tell you -- >> leonard: we get along. we get along. >> jimmy: leonard, did you think you would put the spock ears back on again and go for it? >> leonard: no, i -- it's been 18 yearsince the last time i did it. >> jimmy: yeah? >> leonard: i was out in the desert wandering around looking for a home, you know? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you were just wasted. >> leonard: and they called me and said, "you can come home now." but i'm back. i'm back. >> jimmy: this is great. the movie is phenomenal. it's so good. i mean, you're the new spock. well, it's just great. there are so many things i just don't want to ruin for people. it's just such a fun, good movie. it was -- >> zachary: remember that one part when -- >> jimmy: and then other part when -- >> zachary: that's the crazy part.

>> jimmy: yeah, 'cause you got this kind of -- you were in an interview and you mentioned that you would always love to play spock. >> zachary: yeah, it was weird. i found out they were doing the movie just as my character was being introduced on "heroes" and then it sort of just evolved. it was bizarre. it was one of those serendipitous things that you look back on in disbelief. you know? i couldn't fathom it. >> jimmy: yeah, that it would happen. >> zachary: yeah, i mean, it was casually mentioned. well, the first time that you guys met, you were in an elevator, right? >> leonard: we were at a comicon. we were being introduced for e first time. to an audience for the first time. i stepped in the elevator. there he was. i said, "do you have any idea what you're getting yourself in to?" [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: how cool? >> leonard: what did you say, did you say, "no"? >> zachary: you didn't give me a chance to respond. you just left. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i love it. that's so cool. [ laughter ] he st took off. that's good, i like it. that's a dream come true. anything other things you always wanted to do? i mean -- >> zachary: i want to host

"saturday night live." >> leonard: there you go. there you go. >> jimmy: all right. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] that's great. make it happen. can you pull some strings? >> jimmy: i can put in a phone call. yeah, i know a few people over there. >> zachary: i'm really -- this has been an incredible experience. we're about to wind down with the press tour and i'll be going back to the show for the fourth season at some point pretty soon. so -- [ scattered applause ] oh, that's good. yeah. that guy loves you over there. >> jimmy: yeah, he's very excited. that's your brother. [ laughter ] he's happy to be here. but leonard, when you did this movie, did you see, like -- was it weird seeing someone else play spock? >> leonard: was it weird? >> jimmy: yeah. >> leonard: sort of, yeah. well, i liked it. i had a good time. i was comfortable. i felt like i knew what i was doing. i'd been there before. and everybody was bowing as i walked on the stage, you know? [ laughter ] and that was really nice. >> jimmy: i almost did it, too. yeah. >> zachary: that was in our contracts. we had to. [ laughter ] >> leonard: no, it was good. we had a great time. we had a wonderful director and

a great script. >> jimmy: yeah, such a good script. yeah, even the people who aren't fans of "star trek" will gond they'll figure this out and you'll get in to the movie. i went with some of them were, "well, you know, i know spock." but they don't know all of the details. it wasn't for, like, just trekkies. it was for anyone. they all got the thing. it w such a good movie. people were clapping and -- >> leonard: yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: i mean, i can't give it away. i feel bad. >> leonard: can we help you out a little bit. let see -- show us what you got here. >> jimmy: i can do this. >> leonard: let's see. okay, get the thumb out, jimmy, it's very important. >> jimmy: really? >> leonard: now you got it. >> jimmy: oh, really? oh, my god. yes. >> leonard: the thumb has to be out, jimmy. >> jimmy: what was i doing? what does that mean? >> leonard: it doesn't work with the thumb down. >> jimmy: that's offensive in some countries, what i was doing. [ laughter ] >> leonard: thumb out. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. yeah. i broke a sweat. [ applause ] i broke a sweat. now, leonard, do you do it with both hands or one hand. >> leonard: just one hand is all it takes. two hands, it's just overkill. [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: it's too much. you do it by mistake if you're out to dinner with your wife? >> leonard: by mistake? no. >> jimmy: yeah, just go, "hey, honey, see the news? that thing was there." >> leonard: "i'll have a steak, rare, please." >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. [ laughter ] i mean, you never do the peace sign. you just do that by mistake? and you've got to get used to doing this. >> leonard: i want to host "saturday night live." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i can call lorne! i can call lorne. we can make something happen this weekend, if you want. oh, my gosh. now, i can't -- i can't show a scene from you, 'cause everything is so secretive abo this movie -- of leonard. but i can show a picture of you in the movie. this is just so rad. look at this. yeah! [ cheers and applause ] i mean, it's so cool. i mean, they got the ears. >> leonard: somebody said i look like a pile of rumpled laundry. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, you do not, leonard! you look great! "rumpled laundry." no, you look fantastic. the screening i was at, applause. applause break for like three minutes.

>> zachary: there were applause breaks at the premiere when leonard came on the screen. >> jimmy: i'm not even gonna say if he does this or not. but it's plausible. if you do do it. it's so good. you're not allowed to say anything? >> zachary: nothing. >> jimmy: you're not even allowed to say that you guys were in this. [ laughter ] >> zachary: why are we here? we have nothing to talk about. >> jimmy: gosh. we can talk about "saturday night live" for a while, i guess. but we can show a clip of the movie of you -- >> zachary: oh, good. cool. >> jimm o yh,uneayoewf it ng, spock. let's check out a clip from the movie "star trek." [ cheers and applause ] check it out. >> who are you? >> i'm with him. >> he's with me. >> we're traveling at warp speed. how did you manage to be aboard this ship. >> you're the genius, you figure it out. >> as acting captain of the vessel, i order you to answer the question. >> well, i'm not telling, acting captain. but now, that doesn't frustrate you, does it? my the lack of cooperation? that doesn't make you angry. >> are you a member of starfleet? >> uh, yes. can i get a towel? >> under penalty of court marshal, i order you to explain to me how you're able to beam on this ship while moving at warp.

>> well -- >> don't answer. >> you will answer me. >> jimmy: wow! [ cheers and applause ] leonard, was it odd -- was it odd to see the other characters being played? like, you know, bones and -- >> no, i'll tell you what's interesting. each of the different -- look, these are all very, very talented people. and they're very well trained actors. they know how to do their job. they've made great choices. chris pine, who plays kirk, has been praised for not trying to imitate bill -- shatner. you know? [ laughter ] and on the other hand -- on the other hand, karl urban, who plays mccoy, has been praised for his dead-on accurate portrayal of mccoy the way deforest kelly used to do it. but they were right. they're both right in what they did, you know? it works. it was very good. >> jimmy: praise from spock. >> leonard: zachary is scary. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: really good, scary good. >> leonard: it's a great, great performance.

>> jimmy: so cool. >> zachary: i had the pleasure, around the academy awards season, to meet angelina jolie at a party. and she said, this will make you feel good. she said, "i've always been in love with the real mr. spock." >> leonard: wow! [ laughter ] [ cheers ] >> jimmy: man! i can make another phone call. [ laughter ] it's either "saturday night live" and angelina jolie. you got to make a choice. >> zachary: my response was, "i like to think of him as the original mr. spock." but we can talk after you see the movie. i'm sure she's there this weekend. >> leonard: brad. brad, look out. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: when we come back -- [ cheers and applause ] when we come back, "star trek" acting lessons. stay-tuned. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ n ♪ ♪ who's watching?

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we're back with leonard nimoy and zachary quinto from the amazing, new "star trek" movie. now, no matter how advanced the special effects get, iorder to qualify as a proper "star trek" story, you have to take a hit on the bridge of "the enterprise." >> leonard: right. >> jimmy: now, leonard, i know you've directed two of the past "trek" movies. can you show us the best way to brace for impact. >> leonard: okay. when the thing hits, you're gonna grab hold of something. like, grab hold of the desk, you grab on whatever, the arm of the chair or the desk. i'll get a hold here. >> jimmy: okay. >> leonard: and then we all have to go in one direction. [ laughter ] think we can manage that? >> jimmy: that's so funny. why is that -- >> leonard: no, this is serious "star trek" acting now. come on. [ laughter ] so, when the thing hits, we go left. hold for a count of three and back to center, okay? >> jimmy: oh, back to center? don't go to right. >> leonard: no, no, no, no, no. no right. [ laughter ] that's extra. we don't have enough money for that. [ laughter ] we got to left d back to center. >> jimmy: left and then back to

center. >> leonard: when it hits, yeah. >> jimmy: so -- >> leonard: get ready. here it comes. >> jimmy: let's do the real thing. ready, so -- [ alarm ] we're getting attacked! were getting attacked! it's a klingon ship! we're getting attacked! everyone, brace yourself for impact! [ explosion ] >> leonard: oh! left! hold! and bac all right. wow. oh, man. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> that was scary. >> jimmy: that was rocking. >> that was scary. >> jimmy: that was scary. well, thank you so much for doing that. you guys, check out "star trek," you guys. it's in theaters everywhere right now. you got go see it. leonard nimoy, zachary quinto, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with joan rivers! [ applause ] ♪ ok at this- motor oil on my husband's favorite shirt. did you say motor oil? can you help? i've tried these, without success. try this. spray 'n wash max has a neand improved formula with even more stain- power,ng

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♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: wow, that was amazing. that was amazing. we had both spocks. that was so cool, man. that was awesome. we got some big shows coming up next week, too. susan sarandon, randy jackson, andy samberg and the lonely island. they're gonna perform a song here. that's amazing. that'll be cool. jeff goldblum, maya rudolph. we got damon, shawn and marlowayans. they're all gonna be here. we're gonna have music from soulja boy, asher roth and yusuf islam, that's cat stevens. [ laughter ] so, i hope to see you next week. it'll be great. but our next guest -- [ cheers and applause ] our next guest -- this is exciting. -- is a comedy legend and a force of nature. she's got two new books out and is the star of the hit show "celebrity apprentice." which airs the three-hour finale this sunday night at 8:00 p.m. i'm rooting for her. let's take a look at the clip here, quick. >> my husband used to say, you only yell at your peers. i don't want yell at you. let's not be childish about this, okay? and let's not worry who your friends are and who your friends aren't. >> well, you shouldn't have insulted my friends, then, joan. ♪ you insulted my friends.

>> i'm not going there. >> i've never personally attacked you, ever. >> not going there. not going there. not going there. as i said, i only dealing with my equals. i'm not going there. >> jimmy: i love it! [ cheers and applause ] give a warm welcome to the great joan rivers, everybody! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> first of all, what is this? >> jimmy:t's a gift for you! >> this is the most pathetic. you go to a show -- even "the view," they give you a nice candle, they give you a bottle of liquor. what kind of [ bleep ] is this? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you want a candle? stop it! [ laughter ] i thought maybe you'd wear a basketball jersey. >> yeah, thank you.

>> jimmy: you know how it is, joan. don't you give gifts? >> kathy bates, even. this is big for kathy bates. [ laughter ] thank you! thank you! >> jimmy: it's comfortable for you. if want wear it on a plane or -- >> oh, shut up! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'll get you a candle. >> thank you. i'll sell it to some poor blind person. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: sell it to a blind person? oh, my god. >> you can't say that. you can't say anything. >> jimmy: yeah, you can say it. >> politically correct! >> jimmy: now, we got spock permission. [ laughter ] we're allowed to do whatever we want. now, you're busy. look at this, you've got two books out. >> two books. >> jimmy: two books out. they're both doing good. this one's about plastic surgery. >> plastic surgery. "serious about plastic surgery." >> jimmy: no joking? >> no joking. well, you can't joke when you've had your face fixed. >> jimmy: you can't fool around. >> you can't fool around. can't cry, can't laugh. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this is "murder at the academy awards." >> this one got great reviews. jimmy: yeah, this one's selling like hot cakes. it's a murder-mystery of you hosting the preshow of the awards?

>> it's what happens on the red carpet. >> jimmy: which you invented, i believe. >> well, i don't want to say it, but true. in fact -- laughter ] >> jimmy: you did. it was never a big deal. now they have, like, ten-hour shows. >> now "the new york times" said -- when i first came out said, "who are you wearing?" "the new york times" said, "you shouldn't say that!" well, these are morons, half of these girls, who are walking down there. [ laughter ] what are you going to ask them, "what do you think about physics?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "do you have any theories?" yeah, exactly. >> "tell me the truth, do you think the third amendment is a good one?" [ laughter ] they're dizzy from sitting up, you know? >> jimmy: you came from judging a beauty contest. >> in russia, how desperate is that? >> jimmy: wow. [ laughter ] really, not od. not good. it was not a good -- >> the beautiful ones are all here. i swear to you. [ laughter ] russian -- the russian women are amazing in this country. they're gorgeous.

you go over there, it was what was left, you know? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: was it tough to judge? >> miss runner-up. [ laughter ] >> it was a siberian husky. >> jimmy: they let a dog -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is impossible! why would they let a siberian sky as the runner up. that's a mistake that couldn't be made. >> i had to shake the paw. and -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: she gave you the paw, at least. that's good. that nice of her. >> it was a nightmare. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. this is too much. i'm laughing too much. >> now, you have your late show now. >> jimmy: i'm getting sweaty. i'm getting sweaty. >> i'm such a fan of yours. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. [ laughter ] i'm getting sweaty, yeah. i have a fan. >> these are nice. >> jimmy: yeah. you didn't get one of those. >> no, no. >> jimmy: i got you a basketball jersey. >> i would have liked that. >> jimmy: no. >> i could've put down "joan rivers" in a different color.

[ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i was -- by the way, you're great on "celebrity apprentice." >> i'm having such a good time. >> jimmy: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] i know you are. you -- you're so good. i'm laughing so hard. you're amazing. you tell it like it is. i just love it so much. >> you know, you're really working hard, you know? and you just forget the camera is rolling. and it's very interesting to see -- >> jimmy: what they use. >> who's dumb and -- [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah and what they're doing. >> at the end of six weeks, seven weeks, you're tired, you know? and you just say, "that's it. do your job or get the hell out of here." >> jimmy: and that's the scenes they use. >> that's the scene they use. >> jimmy: hey, good tv. >> yeah. >> jimmy: we'll be right back with more joan rivers, so stay-tuned. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ when morning comes in the middle of the night, [ rooster crow ] it affects your entire day. to get a good night's sleep,

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] welcome back. we're here with joan rivers. for those of you in the new york city area, joan will be performing a charity show at the gramercy theater on thursday, june 25th, to celebrate gay pride week. so, go see her perform live. she's one of the greatest comediennes, just so funny. that'll be a great show. [ cheers and applause ] check that out. >> gay pride week. >> jimmy: i've been to that theater. that's good. >> that's a good thing. >> jimmy: but you're so busy. you got these two books. >> anything. >> jimmy: you have a tv show on tv land. >> starting -- >> jimmy: august 12th. >> thank you. called "how did you get so rich?"

"how did you get so rich?" >> jimmy: so, what is it? >> we find people that have made it in crazy ways. and it's amazing. >> jimmy: i saw, like, you have, like, the guy that invented like billy bob teeth. yeah. >> $72 million. the guy that makes that -- you know, that stupid thing you put your arms through? >> jimmy: yeah, the snuggie? >> the snuggie. yeah, yeah, like $50 million. >> jimmy: that's like a backwards robe. >> yes. >> jimmy: and he made $50 million? >> $50 million. >> jimmy: it's really just a bathrobe on backwards. >> he was cold in maine. and he didn't want to change the set, so he cut arm holes in his blanket. "that was a great idea." [ laughter ] a good idea? >> jimmy: this is fantastic. i'd love to see the show. >> yeah, it's gonna be great. >> jimmy: it will be great. >> but they're all very nice people. it's worked out interestingly. and they're all very charitable. you know how you have to pretend that you're charitable. [ laughter ] which i am. which i am. which i am. >> jimmy: yeah. but they don't come like, you know, a family of inventors or anything. they're just regular people. >> regular people. >> jimmy: that's pretty co. >> yeah. well, they're lucky.

you know? how many of you sit around and said, "i wish i thought of that"? and they have and -- >> jimmy: and it finally comes together. ridiculous teeth. >> yeah. >> jimmy: $74 million later. >> $74 million later. >> jimmy: gosh, what does he do with that money? >> he lives a great life, damn it! [ laughter ] you wish, you wish, you had like a lousy life and he'd be unhappy. he's having a great life. his kids are happy. everybody is loved. you wish that he'd say, "i'm so unhappy with the money." you know? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: stop. >> they're all happy! >> jimmy: no, thank you for -- >> the wives are sexy. they're all third wives. they're all chinese. they're always chinese, the third wives. [ laughter ] the first wife is the poor [ bleep ] who worked through college. [ laughter ] second wife is, "i understand --" and the third life is always -- "i love you --" [ laughter ] [ rim shot ] >> jimmy: always true, yeah. well, i just want to thank you for being a guest. >> sure. >> jimmy: it's good to have a fun guest like you.

you're -- do you like being a guest on talk shows? [ laughter ] i'm not. i'm a huge fan. >> they called me up and they said, "we're desperate." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's what they said to you. no, do you like being a guest? >> i like being a guest. i hated it, though -- i hate it like they do here -- all these shows. "what would you like to drink?" and then you have to be polite and say whatever you want. so, used to give them liquid paper. i mean, say what you want. i like being a guest. i -- i don't like having guests in my house, because i like to do it myself when people say, "can i help you?" you never tell them the truth. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you know what i'm saying? >> like, you'd like to say, "you really want to help me? okay, fine, go down to the basement --" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you say"you don't really want to help." >> "grandma, since she's off her meds, could you change the diaper? [ laughter ] that would really help me. that would really help me." >> jimmy: yeah. "i thought you wanted me to put ice cubes in your drink."

that's not helping. >> i like to work. i miss doing the academy awards. that's why i wrote the book. >> jimmy: yeah! >> it may come down -- have you had them on yet, angelina and brad? >> jimmy: no, i have not. >> their 105 children. >> jimmy: we don't have enough dressing rooms. >> they keep adopting. enough! >> jimmy: yeah. i love what you do. we have, actually -- i love that you're so honest and you're so funny. we put together a montage of your meltdowns on "celebrity apprentice." i just want to show this, real quick. can we show this? good. >> it's 10:30, and we can't do anything -- you're an idiot. >> joan, settle down. >> chris, don't keep it in your head. >> joan, joan, joan! >> no, i'm not gonna settle down. just tell me what the hell we're doing. and simon doesn't work with me. you are a piece of [ bleep ] and you're a stupid blonde. and you're gonna take it out on melissa? you think you're going to win? you're not going to win. i don't want to hear it. you're not gonna win. i can't wait for her to get her first facelift, 'cause she's

going to need two doctors. and you people, you give money with blood on it. you're a poker player! a poker player! that's a -- that's beyond white trash, darling! trash! >> okay, joan. >> by the way, these are -- 406-802-qvc. $29.95. fabulous. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: joan rivers, everybody! we're cooking with rachel ray next. so, come on back. please come back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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♪ >> jimmy: all right. [ cheers and applause ] that was great. our next guest -- yeah. the emmy award-winning daytime host and best-selling author, ladieand gentlemen, rachael ray is right here, everybody! [ cheers and applause ]

>> i should say hello, right? the spock hello. >> jimmy: yeah, everyone's doing the sck hello. that's the way everyone's doing it. last time we worked together, we had a mishap. >> it was a bit of a mishap. it was this actual dish, actually. i was trying to teach you how to make some seared scallops with a little vermouth, some white vermouth. >> jimmy: and the flame. well, let's just roll clip of what happened. >> jimmy: all right, rachael, what are we cooking? we got lobster? >> this is actually scallops. super simple, pan-seared and then we're just gonna hit them with a little vermouth. >> jimmy: a little vermouth. a little splash. a little splash. >> just a splash! [ screaming ] [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: okay. >> yep. this is a wig. >> jimmy: it looks real. >> a flame-retardant wig. [ laughter ] a lovely hat. >> jimmy: so, we're making the same dish? >> this is the same dish, yes. >> jimmy: i'm very sorry. so, are you nervous? >> i am a little nervous, jimmy. actually, very nervous. this is a dish i thought would be good to show, especially guys, for this weekend, 'cause you can make it for mom. >> jiy: okay. >> or you can make it on a date night. >> jimmy: oh, very good. >> yeah, for different things. so, we've got some scallops, we

stretched the buck. it's a recession. we cut them in half acro to give it the appearance of many sea scallops. when, in fact, there's few. >> jimmy: i think that you've done this a dozen times. so, i'm wanted to make this a little bit trickier for you. i'm going to tie her arms together. [ laughter ] is that cool? >> you want to -- >> jimmy: yeah, this will go in here. >> i'm gonna do this one-handed? >> jimmy: yeah. >> that's fun. >> jimmy: let's make it a little trickier. all right, ready? >> does that mean you can use your other hand? >> jimmy: yeah, i can use this guy. >> all right, let's do it. let's do it. let's do it one-handed. and the other hand you have to do the spock. [ laughter ] the spock hand. >> jimmy: this is too tricky. i can try it. >> so, i'm gonna use spock hands with the tongs. no, too many. >> jimmy: i'm righty, so this is -- >> well, the shrimp is already been halved. you just need to ason it. the seasonings are here. [ laughter ] put the knife down! >> jimmy: sorry! [ laughter ] we're not letting you go around left-handed with a knife. a little bit of fennel. >> jimmy: fennel. >> and seafood seasoning on the shrimp. >> jimmy: yep. >> again with the -- >> jimmy: what do i --

>> make those hands work! >> jimmy: sorry -- [ laughter ] fennel like that? >> right. >> jimmy: fennel. >> and seafood seasoning, some old bay. >> jimmy: old bay seasoning. very good, yeah, on this shrimp. >> we started the scallops first. >> jimmy: oh, man. looking nice. >> you flip them over. >> jimmy: yeah. is that enough seasoning? >> that's good. you did a nice job there. it's lovely. you're very good one-handed. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. you're just being very nice to me. >> no, i'm not. i'm being fair. >> jimmy: and look at this, with this knife -- [ laughter ] >> oh, they didn't see that. look away. >> jimmy: yeah, look over there for a second. there you go. like benihana. >> like benihana. >> jimmy: benihana. >> now, this actually has to cook. but these things don't get very hot. >> jimmy: that's all right. >> over here. oh, jam! [ scattered cheers ] come on. get that! >> jimmy: there, that was a good one, right? [ cheers and applause ] >> that was good. that was good. jimmy fallon. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it's an unknown talents of yours that you can do the one-handed flip. >> jimmy: one-handed flip. that's how i got the job. >> how you got the gig? >> jimmy: yeah. >> over here, you melt a little butter and you let some garlic come to a bubble. >> jimmy: yeah. >> when you're done, you've got

some pasta over here, a little thin spaghetti. when this gets hot. i think it just went out. >> jimmy: did it go out? >> it doesn't seem like it's bubbling. [ laughter ] [ rim shot ] well, at least you're not setting me on fire. >> jimmy: well, wee got -- we gotta share this. we've got enough for one. >> this one's still hot. >> jimmy: that one didn't go. this guy landed right in the bowl. we can save him. [ laughter ] we can save him. this guy's by the bread. >> we'll move him over here. >> jimmy: what are you doing for mother's day, by the way? >> i'm going home and cooking for my mother, but keep it in the pan, actually. >> jimmy: well -- >> just try and keep it in the pan. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. >> what are you doing for mother's day? >> jimmy: i'm actually going getting my degree. >> oh, that's right. you're going upstate, too. >> jimmy: you're going upstate, too? to lake george? >> we're both going upstate. i go up to lake george, you go up to albany. >> jimmy: you want to share a cab? >> sure. [ laughter ] i'll take a drive. just get the vermouth. let's pretend the seafood were cooked and were in the pan. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: they are in the pan. that's great. oy, just pour it in? >> let me help you.

let me be your other hand. now, i'm gonna stand back for this. >> jimmy: why? >> 'cause you're gonna add liquor to the pan. it didn't come out so well for me last time. [ light laughter ] i'm in a wig! >> jimmy: you won't get burned. >> all right. that's good. give her another nip. that's lovely. there you go. now, was this pan hot -- >> jimmy: if it was hot, it would go up in flames? >> were the pan hot, it might have gone up in flames. >> jimmy: the same vermouth you use in a martini? >> yes, it is. and that's another great point, actually. >> jimmy: thank you. >> because a lot of fellas have vermouth to make martinis, but you only use a splash. >> jimmy: yeah. >> what do you do with the rest of it? you could make the pastaith it. >> jimmy: you make flames and you can impress your date. >> if you make seafood pasta with vermouth, it takes the smell of the seafood out of the house. >> jimmy: oh! see, you guys -- [ applause ] you guys didn't know that. >> interesting. >> jimmy: now, what's the "big orange book"? >> the "big orange book," i call him "bob" for short, b.o.b. >> jimmy: oh, yeah? >> the last cookbook i put out. it had a little bit of everything. it has vegetarian meals, holiday meals, meals for one, kosher meals, a little bit of everything.

>> jimmy: a lot of areas in the. >> my mother even wrote -- that's one of my mom's recipes. my mother even wrote a section in there. >> jimmy: she did? >> she did. >> jimmy: now my mom's gonna be jealous now. she's gonna want a cookbook, too. [ light laughter ] >> well, i could leave that one and you could wrap it up for mother's day. >> jimmy: no, she's gonna want to write a cookbook. [ laughter ] >> oh! >> jimmy: but hey, if you've got an empty chapter, give me a call. i can get my mom in there. >> well, let's take the seafood out of the parsley. >> jimmy: sorry about that. tried to flip it around. god, it's a mess back here. can we get a shot? we need a shot of back here. >> well, let's -- >> jimmy: all right, so you put some parsley in there? >> parsley and garlic butter. >> jimmy: with the shrimp. >> you know, this is the thought i had, ji >> jmy: yeah? >> over here. that's what it should look like. >> jimmy: oh, la, la! look at that. [ cheers and applause ] >> that would it would look like if you made this for mom. >> jimmy: that is gorgeous. and it smells good, too. can we try some? >> yeah, you can try some of this one. i wouldn't recommend that one. >> jimmy: i'm sorry about that. i screwed it up. i'm not -- >> that's all right. >> jimmy: two forks. >> congratulations -- how many shows are you on now?

>> jimmy: 40th show. >> 40th show. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: cheers. >> that's a lovely -- that's my size bite. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so good. sorry. [ laughter ] so good. rachael ray's "big orange book" in stores now everybody. [ cheers and applause ] my thanks to zachary quinto, leonard nimoy, joan rivers, rachael ray, and the greatest band in late night, the roots. [ cheers and applause ] rachel ray. >> fabulous. >> jimmy: stay-tuned for "carson daly." thanks for watching. have a eat weekend. see you next week. happy mother's day! [ cheers and applause ] ♪