music
So fill up your glasses and join in the song
The Lord's right behind you and it won't take long
So come you coyotes and howl at the moon
Till there's blood upon the sawdust in the last chance song
music
Now why for you to do a fool thing like that? Save your bullets for holiday boys.
I ain't scared of holiday.
Good luck, brother Billy ain't scared.
Nobody said you was scared boy.
Our brother Reuben, now he wasn't scared any.
But that didn't stop holiday filling him full of holes.
Where'd we all meet up with Seth?
The last chance saloon.
What for do we need Seth Harper?
Paul's praying him and Paul wants us to work along with him.
Come on.
On your way there you cowboys, the time will be soon
When there's blood upon the sawdust in the last chance saloon.
music
What's the matter doctor?
Oh, I've got the most ghastly toothache and paralyzing pain.
It serves you right for eating that sweet.
Aren't there any painkillers on the target?
Is there anything I can get to you?
No, my dear, thank you. No, I have to have it out.
We've got to find a dentist.
Where are we?
I must be in the past sometime.
Yes, you're very observant dear boy, but where?
How would I know?
I know.
Where?
Well, use your eyes dear boy.
Good heavens.
Tombstone.
Yokey.
What that sounds like?
The wild west.
It can't be, can it?
Why not?
If that's the case, I've got to find a dentist in the middle west.
Oh, please, must you?
I've always wanted to be a cowboy, see what it was like in the wild west.
Hey, they had cowbill too, didn't they?
Yes, yes.
What about my tooth?
It's your last chance of cussing at a gunfighters doom.
It's your last chance of nothing at the last chance saloon.
Took you a sweet time getting here, Clem.
You know Doc Holliday arrived here before noon.
Rode out as soon as ever I got your wire.
Anyways, Holliday will keep for a drink to three I'd say.
Showing up well.
Barman, the bottle and three more glasses.
Fast.
Hey, you boys know this guy?
Yeah, Snake Eyes Harper.
I don't like being called Snake Eyes.
Last fella called me that got himself an extra hole in the head.
Sure, Seth, sure.
We're friends, ain't we?
Ain't we in this together?
Well, I'm in it.
We're all together, on the outside just looking in.
Now, that ain't so.
We're backing you.
You make your play and we gun him down.
Easy as skinning some a frog.
Yes, that's it.
How do we look?
Oh, good gracious.
Absolutely absurd.
Why you gotta dress yourself up like Tom Mix, I can't imagine you're asking for trouble.
Why can't you wear inconspicuous clothes like I do?
What about me? Don't you like it?
Oh, that's certainly wrong.
Oh, it's not supposed to be. That's for you.
For me, my dear child?
That's very thoughtful of you, thank you.
Yes, at least it'll keep the rain off.
Yes, most suitable.
Buffalo Bill to the life.
What was that?
Nothing, pardon me.
I was just practicing my quick draw.
Oh, do be careful, dear boy.
And remember, that belongs to my favorite collection.
Now, sit here, stranger.
I reckon you don't know who I is.
Jedi Steve.
The fastest, meanest gun in the West.
I think you're smashing it.
What an ass are you?
And who might you be, sir?
You want to find out, try moving fast. Now, get over.
I don't know who you are and what right you have...
Marshal of Tombstones, my right, and Wyatt Earp's my name.
Wyatt Earp!
Oh, something wrong, ma'am?
Oh, no, it's just that...
Well, I always wanted to meet you, and here we are, face to face.
Well, the Lord sure do move in mysterious ways, ma'am.
Now, maybe you'll all come along to the Sheriff's office.
What on earth for?
So as you can identify yourself in decent Lord Biden manner.
Ah, no, you see, I'm not really a gunman.
You did kind of make that look obvious, didn't you, boy?
That's why I'm doing you a favor, taking you on in.
Why?
Count of the Clantons are in town.
And boy, that's mighty unhealthy for a stranger that calls himself the fastest gun in town.
Now, pick up your pea shooter and let's get moving.
Till there's blood upon my sawdust in the last chance I lose.
It just ain't possible.
Again, the four of us, he won't know what hit him.
Eh, Billy?
Billy!
Yeah, yeah, that'd be a real shame.
I'd like for him to know.
I'd like him to know us for Ruben's brothers.
Look, you don't know Halliday.
You want him to come looking for us?
And you ain't even seen him?
You're crazy.
Well, where's he at now?
How should I know where he's at?
I just know he pulled in here this morning.
Now, let's get this straight.
You mean you don't know where Halliday...
You never met Halliday either?
Look, I don't have to meet him.
I've seen pictures.
I've had him described to me.
Dapper little fella with a black box-back coat, gambler's fancy vest.
So fine.
So we'll know him when we find him.
So how do we find him?
We don't have to find him.
Ain't you heard of Halliday's gambling and drinking?
Now, where's the one place in town that he's allowed to get both?
Right here.
So we just sit here and we wait for him and that's all we got to do.
Hey, Charlie.
I'll be right back.
Why?
Are you going?
I just thought me of an errand I forgot.
You better be right back if you aim to keep on working here.
Why, of course, Charlie.
With rings on their fingers and bells on their toes,
the girls come to Tombstone in their high silk hose.
They'll dance on the tables or sing you a tune
for whatever's in your wallet at the last chance saloon.
Now you move that real easy, real easy.
That's my operating chair.
You treat her like she was a one-day bride.
Why, Miss Kate Howard.
Doc Halliday, I got to talk to you.
I thought you told me you'd given up gunplay like you promised.
Why, so I have, Kate, and so I be going.
I got myself a dentist shop, regular and permanent, here on Main Street,
and I am moving in.
Well, you better just move right out again
because this bar manor will end for you at the last chance this very moment.
I'm plumb more odd worrying about you, Doc.
All I want to do is live peaceful.
Why, so do I, Kate.
Who are these men, anyway?
Well, there's a guy called Seth Hall.
Then there's three brothers named Clanton.
Clanton?
You kill a guy out of sheer professional ethics,
and then you've got three of his brothers chasing after you to leave with him.
That makes me real angry.
You're through being angry, Doc.
All you're going to do is get out of town.
Oh, that don't appeal, Kate.
That don't come at all natural.
But, Doc, it ain't safe for you here in Tombstone.
The day I can't walk down Main Street or any city in the West
on account it ain't safe, then I'll be dead.
Doc!
I'll be dead.
Doc!
I'll be dead.
Kate Fisher, are you going to be my lady wife?
Of course I am, Doc.
Honey!
Why, good afternoon, Mr. Masterson.
Good afternoon, Sheriff.
I reckon you must be come to meet the State's coach.
Never mind what I'm doing, Holiday.
Just you stay out of trouble, that's all.
I won't be giving you no second warning.
Why, it's like I was saying to you, Sheriff.
I aim to be a respectable citizen now,
and you know I always run a clean game.
Here on in, you ain't running no game at all.
Stay out of saloons, Holiday, and stay away from the poker table.
Then I bid you good afternoon, Sheriff,
and I hope I shall have the pleasure of attending you shortly
in my dental saloon.
Are you accompanying me, Miss Catherine?
So, you finally got back.
Howdy, Bart. Everything quiet and calm?
Everything, except that rattlesnake friend of yours Holiday blew in this morning.
Who are your friends, Wyatt?
Well, I...
Oh, quite, quite so. Allow me, sir, to introduce.
Miss Dodo Dupont, Wizard of the Ivory Keys,
and Stephen Regret Tenor,
and lastly, sir, your humble servant, Dr. Caligari.
Doctor who?
Yes, quite right.
I've just been satisfying the Sheriff here
that we are a humble troupe of travelling players, unfortunately, sir,
at the moment in between engagements.
Well, if I was you, I'd keep a-travelling.
There ain't no theatre in Tombstone.
Is that so? Oh, well, that's no matter, no.
You see, my prime purpose for visiting your city, sir,
was to avail myself the services of a dentist.
A dentist?
Yes.
Well, then Doc Holiday's your man.
Where's the doc, Bart?
Open yourself a surgery right along the street.
Walk that away, friend, you can't miss it.
Oh, I'm vastly obliged to you, Sheriff.
Come, fellow thespians.
No doubt, sir, I shall be very glad to see you.
We'll meet you later on, Mr. Webb.
Well, Bart, with a plantain's-and-Holiday in town,
you and me's headed for a load of trouble, boy.
I reckon so.
On your way then, you low men,
the time will be soon
when there's blood upon the sawdust
in the last chance saloon.
Look, I don't know why you wanted to say it in the first place.
Stephen Regret?
What kind of name's that for a singer, anyway?
Oh, my dear young man, can't you sing a little?
Well, yes, a little, but why say it at all?
Well, I had to find some sort of suitable cover, after all.
You can't walk into the middle of a western town
and say you've come from outer space.
Gracious me, you'll all be arrested on a vagrancy charge.
And what about our little wizard of the keys?
Miss DuPont, can you play?
A bash!
There will be no necessity to have a bash
because tomorrow morning we're going to leave Tombstone
and we shall be back in the TARDIS for lunch.
You know, I don't think that that is a very subtle form of advertising, do you?
Yes, come to think of it, my dear,
you know, I think my...
If I do think better, yes, I do think it's going to be...
Come on, Doctor, straight into the surgery.
I'll go to the hotel and book the rooms.
Please, Doctor, you'll feel so much better after.
Oh, I only wish I shared your confidence, my dear.
However, I suppose I'll meet you both back in the hotel lounge.
Oh, dear, it goes again.
The hotel lounge? Where does he think we are?
What's so funny?
I was just thinking.
I hope he's not expecting an injection.
Oh, dear.
I've got to get him back.
Get back.
Oh, forgive me, sir, I should have not.
What's your business?
Well, the fact is I have a toothache.
Well, glory be.
You know, you're our very first customer.
Oh, I see.
Well, under the circumstances, I think perhaps...
Yes, excuse me.
Now, now, now, stranger, just you sit right down in that chair.
Right along here, honey.
Well, as a matter of fact, my dear sir...
Yeah, and as a matter of fact, he don't do the delay dental treatment.
Down you go.
That's the philosophy of toothache.
Now, you go in the back room, Kate.
Oh, can I watch?
Now, you know you can't stand the sight of blood.
Oh, okay.
But I'll be thinking of you.
What a gyp.
She's a kind of sensitive girl.
Well, now, what seems to be your troubles?
Well, I think it's at the back here somewhere.
Yeah, I mean, look.
Oh, yeah, I see.
Well, now, if you'll just hold real still, I'll...
Just a minute, please.
Haven't you any anesthetic?
Any what?
Well, something to sort of dull the pain, man.
Well, I can give you a wrap on the cranium with this stick.
Oh, certainly not.
Well, you're welcome to a slug of rattlesnake oil.
Oh, my dear man, I never touch alcohol.
Well, I do.
Well, I must say, this is most unprofessional.
I do hope you know what you're doing.
I never tolerated any complaints yet in my whole life.
Now, then, you just open wide.
It's your last chance of losing
Where there's no one to mind
It's your last chance of losing
And the first place you'll find
Sorry it's kind of quiet in here tonight, gentlemen.
We do reckon to have a singer, only she's just stepped out a while down there.
Maybe it's too quiet for you, Barman?
Like us to liven it up a little for you?
How about a little fancy shooting, huh?
Now, I don't want any trouble.
No trouble at all, friend.
You go and clean out of your mind, boy.
That ain't no way to behave.
Sit down.
Ah, we got company.
Well, looky here.
If it isn't Calamity Jane and Sam Bass.
What'll it be, stranger?
Ah, no, nothing to drink, thanks.
We just want to book three rooms.
Three? And the two of you?
Oh, no, we got a friend joining us later.
Oh. Well, I'll have to ask you to sign the book here.
Sure.
Just your names and occupation.
Say, are you really a piano player, lady?
You darn tootin', I am.
And a singer, too, well, I'll be.
Why, what's the matter?
Nothing in the wide world, friend.
I might just be able to offer you a job, is all.
I got no pianist, on account he was shot last week.
And I do have a singer, but she's always out someplace.
Understand?
I think so.
Well, it's very kind of you, but we got to leave town in the morning.
Oh, well, let me know if you change your mind.
First floor, three, six and seven.
Why, thanks. Come on, Dodo.
Oh, but Stephen.
It's no good, Dodo.
The doctor would never forgive me if anything happened to you.
You all hear what I heard.
Hey, what about his key?
Oh, that's a point, yes.
Leave it downstairs, friend, okay?
Give this to our friend the doctor, with my confidence.
Sure, ma'am.
So Holiday ain't traveling alone this time.
Hey, I'll see that woman.
Stephen Regret.
Now, any of you boys ever see a singer carry six guns or four?
So Holiday has got himself a partner.
Hopper, you sure Holiday don't know we're looking for him?
How could he?
He ain't spread it about.
I don't know, but when he comes to collect his key,
I sure have me an itchy feeling in my back,
thinking of his friend Regret coming down those stairs behind me.
Finn, go up and fetch him down.
What'll that say?
Anything, only keep it friendly.
You're the boss.
And Hopper, you take a walk down Main Street and see if you can find Holiday.
I'm getting tired of just sitting here waiting.
My, my, what a fine piece of ivory.
You know, I think I'll give that to Kate for a souvenir.
I don't care what you do with it, my good man, only get it out of my sight.
What do I owe you?
Oh, you don't owe me nothing, mister.
You're my first customer.
You have this one on the house.
Kate, you appear at this moment to be a very impressive woman.
Good thing I didn't have to have my tonsils out.
When there's blood upon the sawdust in the last chance saloon.
Doc!
What? Yes, yes, what is it?
Holiday!
Holiday?
Yes, I suppose so.
Yes, you could call it that.
My name's Hopper.
Seth Hopper.
Oh, I'm very glad to know you, Mr. Hopper.
Yes, I suppose you've got a message from my friend.
What kind of a message, Doc?
The boys are waiting for you at the sauna.
They'd sure like to buy you a drink.
Oh, well, that's very sociable of them, but unfortunately I don't touch alcohol.
That's not what I heard, Doc.
You played your way.
Look, we'll give you five minutes.
If you ain't there, we'll come looking for you, okay?
Now, now, now, now, now, now.
That's a very charming man, that man, Mr. Hopper.
Did you hear what he said?
That's just western hospitality, you know, but if you'll forgive my saying so,
you ain't dressed right for a party.
Oh, my dear man, I fail to see that my clothes...
Ah, no, I didn't exactly your clothes.
Then what is it, then, hmm?
You ain't wearing a gun.
Well, I should hope not.
I certainly disapprove of violence.
Now, you can borrow mine.
No, no, no, no.
Now, come along.
Now, you just stand up there.
You put the holster on him.
Now, my gun here has my name printed on it from way down Alabama,
where my father was a gun in the army.
So you can return that to me when you leave Tombstone, which no doubt you will.
Now, there you are, sir.
Why don't you put that in the holster?
That's the gentleman's hat, see?
There now, ain't he smart?
Got it all?
It's real cute.
Now, sir, double up to your part.
Thank you very much, sir.
Thank you.
I don't know how I shall ever repay you.
You'll find a way to repay me.
Goodbye and good luck.
What?
Goodbye and good luck.
Oh, yes, indeed.
Yes, thank you.
And the same to you and many of them.
Yes, thank you.
Goodbye for the moment.
I pity he'd bother to have that tooth out.
Okay, Clinton, I found Holiday.
He'll be here in about five minutes.
Great.
Now then, Mr. Regret, you and the little lady step right down to the piano and give us a song.
Yeah, well, the thing is, we're kind of a little bit out of practice, you know.
So here's your chance to warm up a little.
Couldn't we rehearse on our own first?
No, about that.
They want to be alone.
You'll sing here, now and fast.
How and why?
On account that we're all music lovers.
When there's blood upon the sawdust in the last chance saloon.
You don't need guns to sing, Mr. Regret.
I'll hold them for you.
Come on, will you?
Shut up and sing, friend.
You wait till I see the doctor.
He got us into this.
What's the trouble?
Nothing.
We just choosing a song.
Here's one.
Let's hope the piano knows it.
The ballad of the last chance saloon.
Play, maestro.
Hold it.
Boys, watch the door.
And when Holiday comes through there, blast him.
Okay.
With rings on their fingers and bells on their toes.
The girls come to tombstone in their high silk hose.
They'll dance on the tables or give you a tune for whatever's in your wallet at the last chance saloon.
It's your last chance of giving.
It's your last chance of lying.
It's your last chance of living and your last chance to die.
It's your last chance of bruising when there's no one to buy.
It's your last chance of losing and the first place you find.
Four days ride from the station and you're leaving at noon.
And your one consolation is the last chance saloon.
¶¶