In this issue part one, Lady of the Evening reveals she spent many long lonely nights
with Chief Ironside of the San Francisco Police Department.
You really don't remember me, do you?
Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil.
I just signed for a package that a messenger brought me.
It was a bomb.
Are you still going to stay with her after what she said about you?
She pays, I stay.
Mark.
Yeah, Chief.
I think we've got a bomb up here.
Hello?
Chief.
Chief Ironside.
Who is this?
Chief, I know it's late, but I just had to call to tell you.
Who is this?
What is it you want?
I want to tell you that I'm sorry.
Can you forgive me?
Forgive?
Chief, please forgive me.
What are you talking about?
I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
What are you talking about?
I know you can.
Look, I forgive you, madam.
Now please forgive me.
I'm trying to get some sleep.
Please, please forgive me.
I know you can.
Good morning, Linda.
Oh, good morning, Chief.
Good morning, Ed.
Chief Ironside and Detective Brown are here, Commissioner.
Won't you go right in, Chief?
The Commissioner's waiting just for you.
Are you Bob, Ed?
Yes, Commissioner.
They say that one picture says a thousand words, and I doubt if you subscribe to this
ignominious, semi-monthly publication.
In this issue, part one, Lady of the Evening reveals she spent many long lonely nights
with Chief Ironside of the San Francisco Police Department.
Be sure and buy our next issue in two weeks.
Read part two.
We promise to answer the who and what.
What friend did Chief Ironside watch die and did nothing to help?
And who is the missing actor the San Francisco Police Department hasn't bothered to look
for because they don't even know he has disappeared?
Shame, shame, San Francisco Police.
Place your subscription now and keep up with the bare truth.
Bob, we're not interested in your personal life, but we are interested in finding out
if an actor has disappeared and if he has under what circumstances.
And I want to know before the next edition of this magazine hits the stands.
I will not have my department ridiculed by this inconsequential rag.
Inconsequential?
Whatever you call it.
Robert, this is your baby.
Or should I say your lady?
Please, please forgive me.
Tife, that's all it is.
A bit cum online on the cover and inside a four-column spread of air.
But man, they make it sound like you were whispering it all to some deep-breathing mama
in the throes of passion.
Does that bug you?
Since they never say you're in the company of a woman, they slip quietly off the liable
look.
Legal distortion.
This lead line for the next issue about you watching some friend die.
That's true.
Now you are driving me.
The magazine made a factual statement.
It's neither slanted nor misstated.
Not that someone should know.
I never told that incident to a living soul.
I know it's a raunchy thing to ask a friend.
This is Larry Yates.
We grew up together, swiped our first bag of gum together, had our first double date.
Bob, you're the only friend I got in the world.
And we gotta have one friend out there watching.
Just one friend.
Or I won't make it.
Please.
For God's sake, please.
Come on, Bob.
Just this once.
I won't ask again.
Okay?
Sure.
Sure thing.
Just this once.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil, if thou art with me.
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou shalt prepare a table before me against those that troubled me.
Thou hast anointed my head with oil and my cup.
Look, Chief, there's got to be some sort of explanation.
Addie Moore won't change the truth.
All right, then, and the woman?
Blonde or brunette?
I don't know.
Although she knows enough about my past that I feel I should know her.
Elvish Shutter, go around the block.
Elvish Shutter what?
The offices of Bare Truth magazine.
That's all right.
Let me off at the corner.
Don't you want us to...
Right.
We can take a hit.
Thank you.
My name is Ironside.
I have an appointment with Mr. Smith.
That's Ms. Smith, if you don't mind.
I don't mind.
And if you'll do me another favor and omit the cliches of what is a nice girl like you doing in a business...
I promise not to call you a nice girl.
I am well aware of why you are here.
I will give you credit for some degree of common sense.
You haven't said libel yet.
I haven't, yet.
But then I haven't had a chance to say much of anything, yet.
I hope you're cognizant of the fact that I am not a novice.
I know my business and...
And you do not disclose your sources of information.
Right.
If you think you got stung in this issue, just wait till you see the next one.
We have detailed your life from A to Z.
Z, that's for Zolar, your teddy bear.
Yes.
I had a teddy bear named Zolar.
You know, I'm flattered by all this tension.
And I am curious as to how you found out these things about my personal life.
I can't help feeling that there are others much more worthy of your consideration.
Oh, there are.
The whole San Francisco Police Department, for example.
Oh, yes.
Famous actor who allegedly disappeared.
Not just allegedly, Chief Ironside.
In fact, I'd like to let you read the galleys of the next issue,
but I think it's high time that the department did its own work.
The police department does its own work,
and it even makes a mistake now and then.
But it doesn't deserve to be held up to ridicule by...
It does if it makes ridiculous mistakes.
All I do is print them.
I am in the business of selling magazines.
What a pity, Miss Smith, that you're not in that business anymore.
Well, it looks like a magazine, but it smells like weak old garbage.
In this stack, we have ads on how to develop whatever you have that's underdeveloped.
This stack tells you how to take off what's overdeveloped.
And here are embarrassing moments in the lives of well-known people, including yourself.
Lots of people are underdeveloped.
And you're not.
You're not.
Including yourself.
Lots of sauce, not much meat.
Here's some meat.
MJ S. J Smith, 1st teddy bear, was named Woo Woo.
So the lady has a chink in her arm.
Thank you.
We found out who our missing actor is, Grant Richards.
According to gossip columns, he was, and I quote,
a hot property about five years ago.
Since then, his career has been sliding rapidly downhill.
He's reported to be living twice as fast as his fame is declining. End of quote.
Married?
To a very wealthy older woman.
Whereabouts unknown.
Both of them.
I would like you and Fran to find out where Richards lives and check it out.
Mark, you stay here and do a follow-up.
We need to know the name of the person that wrote those articles.
And since MJ Smith holds the key to that information, I'm going to try a new approach.
You're going to be pleasant?
Better than that, I'm going to big galah.
Hello, sir.
I always wanted my magazine to be a blast.
I guess I got my wish.
But that's not how I wanted it.
I think you ought to sit down.
I didn't realize that anybody took the magazine so seriously.
After you read past the first cover, it's supposed to be a diversion.
Some publicity for a personality whose career needed boosting.
Or to cut him down to size.
I know it's difficult for you right now, but while the details are still fresh in your
mind.
There's not really very much to tell.
I just signed for a package that a messenger brought me.
My office phone was ringing.
I ran to answer it.
I inadvertently handed it to a boy to open.
It was a bomb.
They say that he may lose his ankles.
By the visit.
You know they say you can never find a cop when you really need one.
I don't think you need a cop.
I think you need a drink.
This is obviously yours.
To us?
I need your help.
I've got to know who did this horrible thing.
If I'm anyway responsible for what happened to that boy.
Come on now.
You know what they say about too many tears?
Yes.
That you're crying for yourself.
But sometimes the hurt goes so deep.
Sure it does.
Sorry.
Of course you know.
Whatever you may think of my magazine, attempted murder is not part of the job.
It doesn't take much of an intellect to realize that there's more involved here than a few
insinuating stories in a flashy magazine.
I want to know why.
Maybe she can answer some of your questions.
Is this your lady of the night?
Don't you remember her?
You should.
You're all you spent.
A lot of long, lonely...
Check please.
Hello, Mr. Richards home?
Can you please detectively call?
Yes, sir.
And her?
Policewoman.
Policewoman?
What do they think of next?
Well, come on in.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
You get that.
Thank you.
I don't move too good.
Now, frankly, I think you made a trip for nothing.
This is usual for the Richards.
They're always taking off with the drop of a hat on here, there, yon.
That's why they don't keep regular help.
Just me.
Of course, I'm not too much use now.
You've worked for the family a long time?
More years than you've been around, young lady.
Yeah, they've been very good to me.
I nearly died about six months ago.
Stroke crippled my whole right side.
How long have they been gone?
Four.
Well, maybe closer to five weeks.
Could it be six?
No, I'm pretty sure it's about five weeks.
They left late one night and took a little sports car.
They didn't even leave a note?
Well, they've been working for the same people as long as I have.
There's no need.
When they're not here, they're gone.
When they're gone, I just keep an eye on things.
May we?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Help yourself.
If you need me, just ring the intercom.
I still think you're wasting your time.
Well, you look like the outdoor type.
You take the grounds and I'll look around inside.
Oh, and go meet in the drawing room at teatime.
Oh, well, maybe later.
Ooh...
The bulletin just came over the news.
I'm here as a friend. I want to help.
I'm beyond help.
I just don't care anymore.
You know what? There's only one thing I've done in all my life. That's be a nurse.
I never went anywhere. I never did anything.
I had to get out of the rut, so I quit the hospital.
Then I went to work for Mrs. Richards. It seems her caretaker suffered a stroke.
I lived at the house because I was on a 24-hour call.
I met Grant Richards the first day.
How could a dumb, brittle old maid keep from falling in love with an exciting, fascinating and handsome star?
What had I ever done but listen to the delirious ramblings of the sick and the dying?
People talking their hearts out, whispering their most sacred thoughts in those lonely, quiet hours before dawn.
Talking to an unseen priestess dressed in white.
Secrets of a night nurse.
Publishers would pay big money for the private thoughts of the socially prominent.
And it was Grant Richards who suggested bare facts?
Oh, yes. Grant made it sound like fun.
In fact, he'd even devised a scheme where he could get publicity in the article, which would be just the thing to help his career.
But more importantly, I would have everything I ever dreamed of.
I overlooked one little thing.
Grant Richards was already married.
Now, I hired a nurse, not a companion for my husband.
Now I want you out of my house, now!
Sarah, you're making... Oh, don't talk to me, you leeching has-been!
That's not true. Grant's going to have his career again. It's going to be bigger than ever.
And I do mean really late show.
Oh, I paid a high price for a husband and I won't be cheated, Agatha Mott!
Take a good look at yourself, my dear.
Even your name is a laugh. Agatha Mott.
Agatha Mott!
Come on now, you don't want to take this all so seriously, honey.
You're still my girl. You know how she is.
No, I don't. Are you still going to stay with her after what she said about you?
Well, I mean, you know how it is. You're a big girl.
I'm not that big.
She pays, I stay.
I became the leftover garbage from somebody else's picnic.
What went wrong? Somebody died, that's what went wrong.
And now that he's dead...
Hello? Yes, he is. It's for you.
I'm sorry.
Yes. Yes, thank you.
I will. There's a report from the coroner's office.
They have no identification yet.
Well, I guess that's my cue to say I did it or something.
Because it looks very much like I'm first in line, doesn't it?
I didn't bring Agatha in because she's not guilty.
Have you become oblivious to the facts which are one? In spite of the fire and the decomposition,
the coroner's report states that the two had been dead for several weeks.
A woman impersonating Mrs. Richards entered the bank and collected a large final payment on an annuity.
Only one thing. Mrs. Richards was already dead.
Assume dead until the coroner makes positive identification.
Assume dead. Then the woman who was passing herself off as Mrs. Richards had to be Agatha Mott.
Two. Motive? A lover's quarrel. Which leads us to number three.
I almost ensured of the fact that the bodies would not be discovered because,
I don't know if you're aware of it, Chief, not everybody has two swimming pools.
Four. How do you know she's innocent? I know because I know.
Now prove it. It's confirmed.
The coroner's office has definitely established the identity of the woman's body as that of Mrs. Richards.
The coroner's report is on the caretaker. He's absolutely in the clear.
The hospital records and the doctors concur that he had been hospitalized for a long duration
and was still suffering from paralysis to the right side.
Would you like the honor or shall I bring her in? I would like the honor.
Now why do you say it that way? Because. Because.
Why is the sky blue? Because.
Why is the grass green? Because. Why do I put up with such a stubborn man? Because.
He gets so upset.
Oh, on that list of disgruntled people involved in the magazine articles.
Well, you're not going to believe this, but MJ showed me the records.
And in most cases, the people involved in the articles were the same people who supplied the information.
And no kidding, they all just wanted publicity. Of course, they acted shocked and denied it when confronted.
About the Richards, there just wasn't anyone who could have been connected with them.
Except Agatha.
Fran, bring Agatha in. I'm afraid I've stalled as long as I can.
Sure.
Where's Ed? He's checking on the trucking cupping that was used to fill in the pool.
Unpleasant tasks done quickly are still unpleasant tasks.
I sure hope you got an ace, Chief. The evidence is stacked against Agatha.
All I have is a sound in my head.
Yeah, I remember Agatha's voice reaching down into the depths, pulling me back up to life.
At a moment when it would have been so easy to relax and slip away, she gave me the energy, the anger to fight.
To live.
That's how I know Agatha never killed anyone.
And never could. And Mark, I'll stake my life on that. Again.
Hiya.
Cop, right?
Yeah.
Which truck? Which man and where's the accident?
Sorry, no truck, no man, no accident. I talked to your secretary earlier.
She said you might be able to give me some information about a job you did at this address about four or five weeks ago.
Sure, sure thing. You bet. I keep complete records.
Here it is. Richard's. Richard was the one that rented the truck. Should all be there. Day, time, full thing.
Description?
Oh, about 5'6", light complexion, skinny, real skinny. Dark, longish hair.
Color of eyes?
Couldn't tell, had on sunglasses.
Any marks or scars?
No, none that I can recall. One thing though, it's no secret that truck was rented to fill in an old swimming pool.
Alright, thanks very much for your help.
Sure, anything I can do to help the police department. Sure.
Hey, wait a minute. What'd you say?
Well, I know you took a description, but I don't remember you asking if it was a man or a woman.
You see, I sort of assumed we were talking about a man.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought.
You mean?
Thought I hadn't mentioned it. But yeah, you're right, it was a woman. Sometimes it's hard to tell them apart these days.
But I swear it was a woman behind those big sunglasses. You don't see them often. Lady truck drivers, that is.
Thanks, again.
Mark, call Agatha's apartment. If they're still there, ask Fran to find out if Agatha has ever driven a truck.
Well, Sergeant Chief, she doesn't even have a driver's license. When I check, I check.
Just doesn't hang together. Attempts made in the lives of two women, the disappearance and apparent murders of an eccentric couple,
a couple that traveled a great deal. They are buried in an old swimming pool in the grounds of their estate. No one knows about it, not even their caretaker.
That's about all of it.
Not quite.
Chief, are you inside?
This is my assistant, Boxhanger.
I'm sorry to be so slow, but I'm still awkward on this blasted crutch. Not like your own legs, you know.
Yes, I guess you know. Well, come in.
I just like disturbing you like this.
No, no, it's all right. I'm just having a bite of supper. You know, this whole thing has been really heartbreaking for me. With them dead and all, I don't really know what to do.
Most of my life spent right here. I don't know where to go. Well, you're not here to hear an old man complain about his life. What can I do to help?
Did Mr. or Mrs. Richards have any close relatives that you know about?
Well, Mrs. Richards has a twin sister, but she lives in Hawaii. Oh, I almost forgot about that nephew of Mrs. Richards. He's one of those long-haired boys. Looks more like a girl than a boy.
Either of them visit here lately?
Yeah, a boy came now and again to borrow money from Mrs. Richards. He thought he was doing it on the sly, but I knew. What was his name now?
You know his address.
Am I going? I think maybe I do. I'll just have to see if I can find it before I go.
Well, I don't seem to be able to find it.
You said the pool was filled sometime in the past six months, but you didn't know exactly when. According to Ed, the equipment used to fill the pool was rented five weeks ago after you'd gotten out of the hospital.
Yes, well, I don't see where my pills.
Even if you couldn't move around much, you should have at least heard the pool being filled. But I think you can move around more than you let on. I don't think your right arm is paralyzed at all.
Old lesson from the ghetto. Take care.
He may be an ego ridden, money hungry, debauched human being, but Grant Richards was never a bad actor.
You had us all fooled, but now the play's over.
I know it's that that puffer Billy, the train that says I think I can. I know I can.
Good evening.
Split.
What'd she say?
Good idea. Yeah, movie. How about that.
What I really want to see the movie.
Here's your jacket.
I thought you might be hungry.
My dear young woman.
I don't even know your first name.
Try Mary Jane.
Bon appétit, monsieur.