1 00:00:32,491 --> 00:00:35,233 Monty Python ’3 Flying Circus tonight comes to you live 2 00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:37,651 from the Grillomat Snack Bar, Paignton. 3 00:00:38,789 --> 00:00:40,404 Hello to you, 4 00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:43,540 live from the Grillomat Snack Bar, Paignton. 5 00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:47,828 And so, uh, without any more ado, let's have the titles. 6 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,379 It's... 7 00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:51,790 [J‘J‘] 8 00:00:54,263 --> 00:00:58,222 AN NOUNCER: Monty Python ’3 Flying Circus. 9 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:23,996 Well, those were the titles. 10 00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:27,409 And now for the first item this evening on the menu... 11 00:01:27,462 --> 00:01:29,077 [CHUCKLES] 12 00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:31,247 ...the team has chosen as a little hors d'oeuvre 13 00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:32,710 an item, and I think we can be sure 14 00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,670 it won't be an ordinary item. 15 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,335 In fact, the team told me just before the show 16 00:01:36,388 --> 00:01:38,344 that anything could happen and probably would. 17 00:01:39,641 --> 00:01:43,179 So let's have the item. 18 00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:45,765 [J‘J‘] 19 00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:55,654 Hello, good evening, and welcome to Blackmail. 20 00:01:55,699 --> 00:01:57,360 And to start tonight's program, 21 00:01:57,409 --> 00:01:59,525 we go north to Preston in Lancashire 22 00:01:59,578 --> 00:02:01,569 and Mrs. Betty Teal. 23 00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:04,409 Hello, Mrs. Teal. 24 00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:06,699 Now this is for £15, 25 00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:08,371 and it's to stop us revealing 26 00:02:08,420 --> 00:02:11,583 the name of your lover in Bolton. 27 00:02:12,758 --> 00:02:14,214 80, Mrs. Teal, 28 00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:16,500 send us £15 by return of post, please, 29 00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:18,509 and your husband Trevor, and your lovely children, 30 00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:20,466 Diane, Janice and Juliet, 31 00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:24,383 need never know the name of your lover in Bolton. 32 00:02:24,394 --> 00:02:26,680 [PLAYS ORGAN] 33 00:02:27,773 --> 00:02:30,139 And now a letter... 34 00:02:30,192 --> 00:02:33,275 a hotel registration book and a series of photographs, 35 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,402 which could add up to divorce, premature retirement 36 00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:37,191 and possible criminal proceedings 37 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,572 for a company director in Bromsgrove. 38 00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:42,488 He's a Freemason and a prospective Tory MP. 39 00:02:42,537 --> 00:02:46,371 That's Mr. S. of Bromsgrove. Three thousand pounds, please, 40 00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:48,452 to stop us revealing your name, 41 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:51,084 the name of the three other people involved, 42 00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:53,495 the youth organization to which they belong, 43 00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:56,164 and the shop where you bought the equipment. 44 00:02:56,218 --> 00:02:58,209 [PLAYS ORGAN] 45 00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:02,254 We'll be showing you more of that photograph 46 00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:04,472 later in the program... 47 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:09,182 unless we hear from Charles or Michael. 48 00:03:09,231 --> 00:03:12,439 And now it's time for our "Stop the Film" spot. 49 00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,182 The rules are very simple. 50 00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:16,227 We have taken a film which contains compromising scenes 51 00:03:16,279 --> 00:03:20,613 and unpleasant details, which could wreck a man's career. 52 00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:24,618 But the victim may phone me at any point and stop the film. 53 00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:27,450 But remember, the money increases as the film goes on. 54 00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:31,120 So the longer you leave it, the more you have to pay. 55 00:03:31,128 --> 00:03:34,666 So now, with the clock at £300, 56 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:38,003 this week, "Stop the Film" visited Thames Ditton. 57 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:40,713 [J‘J‘] 58 00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:19,377 He's really brave here. 59 00:04:26,475 --> 00:04:28,511 [PHONE RING/NG] 60 00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:31,180 Hello, sir. Hello, yes. 61 00:04:31,188 --> 00:04:33,099 No sir, no, I'm sure you didn't. Heh. 62 00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:35,059 No, it's all right, sir, we don't morally censure, 63 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,315 we just want the money. 64 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,396 Yes, and here's the address to send it to: 65 00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:42,529 ANNOUNCER: 66 00:04:45,076 --> 00:04:48,034 Not at all, sir. Thank you. 67 00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:50,070 [CHATTER] 68 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,739 Ah. Sorr-- Sorry chaps, it was my mother. 69 00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:54,203 Ah. 70 00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:56,122 Ah, gentlemen, pray silence, 71 00:04:56,171 --> 00:04:58,708 for the President of the Royal Society 72 00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:01,214 for Putting Things on Top of Other Things. 73 00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:03,716 [APPLAUSE] 74 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:06,052 [CLEARS THROAT] I thank you, gentlemen. 75 00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:09,385 The year has been a good one for the society. 76 00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,265 [MEN CHATTERING] 77 00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:13,176 This year, our members 78 00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:15,391 have put more things on top of other things 79 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,055 than ever before. 80 00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:20,517 But I should warn you... 81 00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:23,437 this is no time for complacency. 82 00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:26,232 No. There are still many things-- 83 00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:28,734 and I cannot emphasize this too strongly-- 84 00:05:28,787 --> 00:05:32,154 -not on top of other things. -[CROWD M U RMURS] 85 00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:36,075 I, myself, on my way here this evening, saw a thing 86 00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:38,748 that was not on top of another thing in any way. 87 00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:40,287 ALL: Shame! Shame! 88 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:41,796 Shame indeed. 89 00:05:42,008 --> 00:05:43,794 But we must not allow ourselves 90 00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:45,716 to become too despondent. 91 00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,753 For we must never forget 92 00:05:47,806 --> 00:05:50,047 that if there was not one thing 93 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,261 that was not on top of another thing, 94 00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:54,476 our society would be nothing more 95 00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:56,102 than a meaningless body of men 96 00:05:56,147 --> 00:05:58,012 that gathered together for no good purpose. 97 00:05:58,066 --> 00:06:00,227 [CROWD MURMURING] Bravo, bravo. 98 00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:02,939 But we flourish. 99 00:06:02,988 --> 00:06:06,105 This year, our Australasian members 100 00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:07,981 and the various organizations 101 00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:11,242 affiliated to our Australasian branches, 102 00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:15,122 put no fewer than 22 things 103 00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:17,157 on top of other things. 104 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,326 [EXCITED CHATTER, APPLAUSE] 105 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,335 Well done. All of you. 106 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,962 [CROWD MURMURING] 107 00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:26,125 But there is one cloud on the horizon. 108 00:06:26,177 --> 00:06:29,135 In this last year, our Staffordshire branch 109 00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:32,718 has not succeeded in putting one thing on top of another. 110 00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:35,474 -ALL: Shame! Shame! -Therefore-- 111 00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:38,470 Therefore, I call upon our Staffordshire delegate 112 00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,597 to explain this weird behavior. 113 00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:43,308 Indeed. Indeed. 114 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:44,810 [CLEARS THROAT] Cutler, Staffordshire. 115 00:06:44,988 --> 00:06:47,195 Urn... well, Mr. Chairman, 116 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:50,482 it's just that most of the members in Staffordshire 117 00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:54,111 feel... whole thing's a bit silly. 118 00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:58,080 Silly?! 119 00:06:58,126 --> 00:06:59,491 Isuppose it is a bit. 120 00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:00,662 What have we been doing wasting our lives 121 00:07:00,712 --> 00:07:02,202 with all this nonsense? 122 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:04,086 Right. Okay. Meeting adjourned forever. 123 00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:05,747 Here, here. 124 00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:08,049 [CHATTER] 125 00:07:12,015 --> 00:07:13,346 [SIGHS] 126 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,179 Good Lord. 127 00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:23,393 I'm on film. 128 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,104 How did that happen? 129 00:07:30,492 --> 00:07:32,699 [CHATTER] 130 00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:40,161 It's film again. 131 00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:42,041 What's going on? 132 00:07:51,262 --> 00:07:53,548 Gentlemen, I have bad news. 133 00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,714 This room is surrounded by film. 134 00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:58,053 ALL: What? What? 135 00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:18,115 We're-- We're trapped! 136 00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:20,246 -Don't panic. We'll get out of this. -How? 137 00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:21,747 We'll tunnel our way out. 138 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,412 Good thinking, sir. I'll get the horse. 139 00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:26,583 Okay, Captain. You detail three men, start digging, 140 00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:28,454 -and load them up with cutlery. -Sir. 141 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:31,466 And then we'll have a rota. We'll have two hours digging, 142 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:34,173 two hours vaulting and then two hours sleeping, okay? 143 00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:36,429 All right, Medwin, let's see you get over that horse. 144 00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:39,056 Pick your feet up, Medwin. Come Oh, boy! 145 00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:41,388 Stupid English. 146 00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:44,180 They are prisoners, and all they do is the sport. 147 00:08:44,232 --> 00:08:45,688 One thing worries me, Fritz. 148 00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:47,599 Yeah? 149 00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:50,602 Where's the traditional cheeky and lovable Cockney sergeant? 150 00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:53,104 Cheer up, Fritz, it may never happen. 151 00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:55,277 ALL: I Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner J‘ 152 00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:57,276 Good. Everything seems to be in order. 153 00:08:57,328 --> 00:09:00,070 J‘ That I love London so J‘ 154 00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:04,453 Colonel. I'vejust found another exit, sir. 155 00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:06,167 Okay. Quickly, run this way. 156 00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:07,748 ALL: If we could run that way-- 157 00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:09,625 Sorry. 158 00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:12,589 [GRUNTING] 159 00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:21,466 [ALL YELLING] 160 00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:27,306 [ALL YELLING] 161 00:09:27,358 --> 00:09:30,100 [ALL GRUNT] 162 00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:32,644 [ALL GRUNTING] 163 00:09:32,697 --> 00:09:35,029 [CHATTERING] 164 00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:41,612 [BELCHES] 165 00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:44,497 Oh, I'm-- I'm terribly sorry. Excuse me. 166 00:09:48,213 --> 00:09:50,420 [TOILET FLUSHES] 167 00:09:51,549 --> 00:09:53,210 Ah. 168 00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:54,715 Hello. Um, 169 00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,672 well, they certainly seem to be in a tight spot, 170 00:09:56,679 --> 00:10:00,342 and I spot our next item. 171 00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:02,347 So let's get straight on with the fun 172 00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:05,219 and go over to the next item, 173 00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:06,511 or dish. 174 00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:07,603 [LAUGHS] 175 00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:10,140 Hello. How are you? 176 00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:12,684 I'm fine. Welcome to a new half-hour chat show 177 00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:15,562 in which me, viz the man what's talking to you now, 178 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:18,402 and Brooky, to wit, my flatmate and nothing else-- 179 00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,191 I'd like to emphasize that-- 180 00:10:20,203 --> 00:10:22,615 discuss current affairs issues of burning import. 181 00:10:22,664 --> 00:10:25,326 Have you heard the one about the three nuns in the nudist colony? 182 00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:28,037 Shut up. Tonight, the population explosion. 183 00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,035 -There were these three nuns-- -Shut up. 184 00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:32,037 Come the year 1991, 185 00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:33,254 given the present rate of increase 186 00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:34,789 in the world's population, 187 00:10:34,843 --> 00:10:37,175 the Chinese will be three deep. 188 00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:39,051 -Another thing-- -Sorry, love, sorry. 189 00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:41,512 The show is too long this week, and this scene's been cut. 190 00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,173 Lord Hill's at the bottom of this. 191 00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:44,636 But if you can find a piano stool, 192 00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:47,052 you can appear later on on the show in film. 193 00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:48,849 -How much? -Oh, about ten bob each? 194 00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:50,680 I wouldn't wipe me nose on it. 195 00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:53,224 -Have you heard the one about these three nuns? -Shh. 196 00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:55,352 I can hear something. 197 00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:58,613 Hang about. We may still get in this show as a link. 198 00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,273 [GRUNTING, YELLING] 199 00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:02,282 That's clever. How do they do that? 200 00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:04,319 Color separation, you cottonhead. 201 00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:07,079 [ALL YELLING] 202 00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:11,079 [BELCHES] 203 00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:12,460 [ALL YELLING] 204 00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:17,127 MAN 1: What's all this? 205 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,758 MAN 2: Some sort of lever. 206 00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:20,422 -MAN 3: Lever? Well, pull it. -MAN 2: Pull the lever. 207 00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:22,216 MAN 4: Come on, pull it. 208 00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:24,256 [ALL CHATTERING] 209 00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:27,592 MAN 2: No, that's not right. 210 00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,140 That's got it. 211 00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,311 Oh. What's this? 212 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,770 [PLAYING DRUMS] 213 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:42,069 [IN FRENCH ACCENT] So, British pig, we meet again. 214 00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:43,574 What? 215 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,248 [ALL GASP] 216 00:11:51,294 --> 00:11:53,159 That bitch! 217 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,579 He spilled the entire bottle of Chateau Latour. 218 00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:58,715 Everything. It's a disaster! 219 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,671 Yeah. 220 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,506 BOOMING VOICE: Shut up, the lot of you! 221 00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,139 Over here, Sir William. 222 00:12:07,185 --> 00:12:09,221 -Sir William, over here. -Over here. 223 00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:11,135 BOOMING VOICE: Now stay there. 224 00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:12,603 [THUNDER CRASHING] 225 00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:14,355 -What are we gonna do now? -I don't know. 226 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,265 -How are we going to get out of this? -No idea. 227 00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:17,479 Well, what shall we do? 228 00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:20,144 VOICES: Don'tjump! Don'tjump! 229 00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:21,779 ALL: What? 230 00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:24,611 ALL: Please don'tjump! Think of the little ones! 231 00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:26,197 ALL: We weren't going to jump. 232 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:29,488 ALL: Don'tjump! The fire brigade's coming! 233 00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:31,285 -ALL: What? -[SIREN WAILING] 234 00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:33,495 ALL: Don'tjump! Don'tjump! 235 00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:36,452 [ALL SCREAMING] 236 00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,087 My God, he's coming back! 237 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:42,626 Well, they seem to be in another tight spot. 238 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:45,011 [CHATTERING LOUDLY] 239 00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:47,172 Um-- Could you--? Could you--? 240 00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:48,639 Could you keep it down a little, please. 241 00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:50,516 -Thank you so much. And-- -[CHATTERING LOUDLY] 242 00:12:50,561 --> 00:12:53,177 Could you keep it down-- Down, please? 243 00:12:53,189 --> 00:12:55,225 Thank you. 244 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,561 Well, and now we move on to our-- 245 00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:59,350 [:0 DUI" main course: 246 00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:00,610 uh, prawn salad. 247 00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:02,020 Prawn salad? 248 00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:16,659 Well, if you'll just wait in here, sir, 249 00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:18,999 I'm sure Mr. Thompson won't keep you waiting long. 250 00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:21,039 Fine. Thanks very much. 251 00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:26,085 [DOOR CLOSES] 252 00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:35,140 Uh-- The, uh, mirror fell off the wall. 253 00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:36,599 Sir? 254 00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:40,358 Uh, the mirror fell off-- Off-- Off the wall. It fell. 255 00:13:40,403 --> 00:13:41,734 I see. 256 00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:44,521 You'd better wait here. I'll get a cloth. 257 00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:57,375 -Uh, i—it came off the wall. -Yes, sir? 258 00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:59,627 Itjust came right off the wall. 259 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:00,752 Really, sir? 260 00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:04,045 Yes. |-- I didn't touch it. 261 00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:06,584 Of course not. It just fell off the wall. 262 00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:13,095 Don't move. I'll get help. 263 00:14:13,144 --> 00:14:14,600 Yes. Uh... 264 00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:16,977 Fell off the wall. 265 00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:23,773 Oh, my God! What a mess! 266 00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:25,190 Here, did you do this? 267 00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:27,104 Uh, no. No, I didn't do all this. 268 00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:30,074 Uh, it—it did it all. 269 00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:32,735 Oh. Well... 270 00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:34,700 Here. Hold this. 271 00:14:34,749 --> 00:14:36,785 I'll get started. 272 00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:39,617 Oh. It's jolly nice. What is it? 273 00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:42,537 Hmm? Oh, it's a Brazilian dagger. 274 00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:44,455 Oops! Oh! 275 00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:47,125 [SQUEALING] 276 00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:58,143 [DOOR CREAKS] 277 00:14:58,147 --> 00:14:59,307 Oh. Oh. 278 00:14:59,357 --> 00:15:01,973 Uh, sh-- Shejust, uh, fell, uh, 279 00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:03,516 on-- onto the-- the dagger. 280 00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,605 Yes, of course she did, sir. 281 00:15:05,655 --> 00:15:08,317 Yeah, s-she just g-gave me the dagger 282 00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:09,981 and tripped, and went, "Oops." 283 00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:11,524 Oh, yes, sir. I understand. 284 00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,033 You know, I mean, I didn't-- 285 00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:15,320 Oh, no, of course not, sir. l-- I understand. 286 00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:16,613 I mean, she-- She just, uh-- 287 00:15:16,666 --> 00:15:18,497 -She just fell? -Fell. 288 00:15:18,543 --> 00:15:20,704 [SCREAMS] 289 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,209 [CRASHING] 290 00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:24,211 Terribly sorry. 291 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:27,340 -That's him. -Right, sir. 292 00:15:27,343 --> 00:15:28,549 Oh, hello, Officer. 293 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,710 Urn, there seems to have been an accident. 294 00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,505 Well, uh, s-several accidents actually. 295 00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:36,015 That's right, sir. Would you come this way, please? 296 00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:37,766 [GASPING] 297 00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:42,017 It's me-- me heart, sir. 298 00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:43,602 [GASPS] 299 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:48,569 You swine! I'll get you for that. 300 00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:55,618 Uh... I won't wait. 301 00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:00,410 I'll phone. 302 00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:11,376 [RUMBLING] 303 00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:20,343 Sorry. 304 00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:23,058 [MUTTERING] Did we get out? 305 00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:24,396 Well, I think we're really out this time. 306 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:25,560 Yeah? Oh, jolly good. 307 00:16:25,610 --> 00:16:27,225 Now, where's the school hall? 308 00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:28,476 I think it's over there. 309 00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:30,360 -Come on. -Right. Come on. 310 00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:31,486 Fine. 311 00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:33,238 Very good. 312 00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:35,733 [MUTTERING] 313 00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:40,159 J‘ Oh, Mr. Belpit J‘ 314 00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:44,497 J‘ Your legs are so swollen J‘ 315 00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:47,582 Excuse me. Is-- Is that the school hall? 316 00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:49,998 Um, I'm sorry, I don't know. I'm not in this one. 317 00:16:50,051 --> 00:16:51,757 l-- I'm in next week's, I think. 318 00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:54,252 Oh. Come on. 319 00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:56,470 [FLAMBOYANT ACCENT] Oh, Mr. Belpit! 320 00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:59,223 Oh, here we are. 321 00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:04,929 Ah, well, they seem to have linked that themselves. 322 00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:07,018 So there's no need for me to interrupt at all. 323 00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:09,400 [CHUCKLING] 324 00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:12,232 So, uh, back to the school hall. 325 00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:25,291 [PLAYS SHOW TUNE] 326 00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:46,603 MAN: Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. 327 00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:48,810 [SCATTERED APPLAUSE] 328 00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:59,158 'Tis time the seven Smith brothers had brides. 329 00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:02,570 Fetch me Smith, Major. 330 00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:06,658 Sir. 331 00:18:06,669 --> 00:18:10,412 'Tis time you and your six brothers were married. 332 00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:12,500 Thank you, headmaster. 333 00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:14,373 Fetch me your six brothers, 334 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:17,544 that the seven brothers may be together. 335 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:20,339 [DINGING] 336 00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:30,603 ALL: Behold, the seven brothers. 337 00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:33,017 Right, I'll see Watson, Wilkins and Spratt 338 00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:35,026 in my study afterwards. 339 00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:38,064 But... 340 00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:41,984 But where shall we find 341 00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:44,529 seven brides for seven brothers? 342 00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:47,202 The Sabine School for Girls. 343 00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:50,539 Yes, and it's the Annual Dance. 344 00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:54,289 Fetch hither the seven brides for seven brothers. 345 00:18:56,802 --> 00:19:00,670 BOTH: Behold the seven brides. 346 00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:02,930 Fetch hither the padre, 347 00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:06,183 that the seven brides may marry the seven brothers. 348 00:19:11,192 --> 00:19:13,558 Fetch hither the master on duty, 349 00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:17,437 that the seven brides may marry the seven brothers. 350 00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:24,535 Sorry I'm late, headmaster. I've been wrestling with Plato. 351 00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:26,571 What you do in your own time, padre, 352 00:19:26,624 --> 00:19:28,580 is written on the wall in the vestry. 353 00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:31,291 Right. Ahem. 354 00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:34,079 Do you four boys take these two girls 355 00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:36,122 to be your seven brides? 356 00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:38,040 -ALL: Yes, sir. -Right. Go and do your prep. 357 00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:39,630 Yes, sir. 358 00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:41,544 [SCATTERED APPLAUSE] 359 00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:43,758 [PLAYS SLOW TUNE] 360 00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:52,430 -I say, Teddy. -You said something, Neddy? 361 00:19:52,483 --> 00:19:54,223 That's right, I did, Teddy. 362 00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:55,356 Well, what is it, Neddy? 363 00:19:55,403 --> 00:19:57,189 Piggy banks, Teddy. 364 00:19:57,238 --> 00:19:58,774 Piggy banks, Neddy? 365 00:19:58,989 --> 00:20:01,230 Yes, I want to hunt piggy banks, Teddy. 366 00:20:01,283 --> 00:20:03,444 You want to hunt piggy banks, Neddy? 367 00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:05,989 That's right, Teddy. 368 00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:09,621 [COINS JANGLING] 369 00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:15,620 I've got him, Teddy. 370 00:20:15,673 --> 00:20:17,789 Time to bring home the bacon, Neddy. 371 00:20:18,008 --> 00:20:21,296 That's not bacon. That's sirloin, Teddy. 372 00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:24,215 Can't be sirloin. Not from a piggy, Neddy. 373 00:20:24,265 --> 00:20:25,755 But that's sirloin, Teddy. 374 00:20:25,808 --> 00:20:27,389 No, it isn't, Neddy. 375 00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:28,800 -Is, Teddy. -lsn't, Neddy. 376 00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:30,634 -Is, Teddy. -lsn't, Neddy. 377 00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:32,136 Is, Teddy. 378 00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:34,805 Mm. Looks like I've been playing the fool, Neddy. 379 00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:36,557 Mm. That's all right, Teddy. 380 00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:38,350 Thanks awfully, Neddy. Thanks a lot. 381 00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:39,814 No, no, no. Doesn't matter at all. 382 00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:42,316 -Jo||y civil. -No. Perfectly all right. 383 00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:44,322 I'd do the same for you. 384 00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:49,074 Good morning. I'd care to purchase a chicken, please. 385 00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:50,659 Don't come here with that posh talk, 386 00:20:50,708 --> 00:20:53,199 you nasty, stuck-up twit. 387 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:54,617 I beg your pardon? 388 00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,626 -A chicken, sir? Certainly. -Thank you. 389 00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:59,334 And how much does that work out to per pound, my good fellow? 390 00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:02,466 Per pound, you slimy trollop? What kind of a ponce are you? 391 00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:04,502 I'm sorry? 392 00:21:04,555 --> 00:21:07,797 Four and six a pound, sir. Nice and ready for roasting. 393 00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:11,134 I see. And I'd care to purchase some stuffing in addition, please. 394 00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:14,387 What? 395 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,180 Ah, certainly, sir. Some stuffing. 396 00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:17,807 -Oh. Thank you. -"Oh, thank you," 397 00:21:18,027 --> 00:21:20,234 says the queen, like a Ia-di-da poofter. 398 00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,395 I beg your pardon? 399 00:21:22,448 --> 00:21:24,188 That's all right, sir. Call again. 400 00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:25,526 Excuse me. 401 00:21:25,534 --> 00:21:27,195 What is it now, you great pillock? 402 00:21:27,203 --> 00:21:30,366 Well, I can't help noticing that you insult me, 403 00:21:30,372 --> 00:21:32,613 and then you're polite to me alternately. 404 00:21:32,666 --> 00:21:34,782 I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sir. 405 00:21:34,835 --> 00:21:36,541 Its all right. Doesn't really matter. 406 00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:39,412 Tough titty if it did, you nasty, spotted prancer. 407 00:21:39,465 --> 00:21:41,797 Ah. 408 00:21:41,842 --> 00:21:44,299 Oh. Uh, so sorry, I asked for tea. 409 00:21:44,345 --> 00:21:46,336 Would you--? Thank you very much. 410 00:21:46,388 --> 00:21:49,255 Well, uh, we've had the dessert. 411 00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:51,845 And then... 412 00:21:52,061 --> 00:21:54,177 And so... the first item-- 413 00:21:54,230 --> 00:21:56,516 The last item on our menu of fun 414 00:21:56,565 --> 00:21:58,556 is the coffee. 415 00:22:01,362 --> 00:22:02,727 No, I did ask for tea. 416 00:22:02,738 --> 00:22:04,274 But you just said, "Coffee." 417 00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:05,984 No, no. That was just my announcement. 418 00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:08,069 It's just a metaphor. 419 00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:09,733 -We come-- -He just said he wants tea... 420 00:22:09,787 --> 00:22:12,119 Would you mind keeping it down, please? 421 00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:14,746 -We come as-- as I said just now... -[CHATTERING] 422 00:22:14,792 --> 00:22:16,498 to the coffee. 423 00:22:16,544 --> 00:22:18,751 -There, he said it again! -Shut up! 424 00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:21,370 NARRATOR: This is Ken Clean-Air System, 425 00:22:21,423 --> 00:22:23,709 the great white hope of the British boxing world. 426 00:22:23,759 --> 00:22:26,045 After three fights and only two convictions, 427 00:22:26,095 --> 00:22:27,756 his manager believes that Ken is now ready 428 00:22:27,805 --> 00:22:30,387 to face the giant American, Satellite Five. 429 00:22:33,519 --> 00:22:35,555 The great thing about Ken is, 430 00:22:35,604 --> 00:22:39,472 is that he's almost totally stupid. 431 00:22:39,525 --> 00:22:42,187 NARRATOR: Every morning, he jogs the 47 miles 432 00:22:42,236 --> 00:22:43,772 from his two-bedroom, eight-bathroom, 433 00:22:43,821 --> 00:22:46,107 six-up, two-down, three-to-go house in Reigate 434 00:22:46,156 --> 00:22:48,818 to the Government's Pesticide Research Centre at Shoreham. 435 00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:51,821 -Nobody knows why. -[GRUNT|NG] 436 00:22:52,037 --> 00:22:55,575 Basically, Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. 437 00:22:55,624 --> 00:22:58,661 I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. 438 00:22:58,711 --> 00:23:01,418 He stayed up all night, rubbing it with Germolene 439 00:23:01,463 --> 00:23:04,330 then banging its head on the table. 440 00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:06,590 Oh, such a pretty baby, 441 00:23:06,635 --> 00:23:09,502 always so kind and gentle... 442 00:23:09,555 --> 00:23:12,217 and really considerate to his mother, 443 00:23:12,266 --> 00:23:14,473 and not at all the kind of person you'd expect 444 00:23:14,518 --> 00:23:16,509 to pulverize their opponent 445 00:23:16,562 --> 00:23:19,304 into a bloody mass of flesh and raw bone, 446 00:23:19,356 --> 00:23:21,347 spitting teeth and fragments of gum 447 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,482 into a ring which had become one man's hell 448 00:23:23,485 --> 00:23:25,476 and Ken's glory. 449 00:23:33,996 --> 00:23:35,987 NARRATOR: Every morning at his little three-room semi 450 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:39,578 near Reading, Ken gets up at 3:00. 451 00:23:39,627 --> 00:23:42,744 And goes back to bed again because it’s far too early. 452 00:23:42,796 --> 00:23:44,332 At 7:00 Ken gets up, 453 00:23:44,381 --> 00:23:46,292 he has a quick shower, a rubdown, 454 00:23:46,342 --> 00:23:49,175 gets into his tracksuit and goes back to bed again. 455 00:23:53,307 --> 00:23:54,672 At 7:50 every morning, 456 00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:56,844 Ken '3 trainer runs the 13,000 miles 457 00:23:57,019 --> 00:23:59,681 from his two-room lean-to in Bangkok and gets him up. 458 00:24:01,190 --> 00:24:02,521 I used to wake Ken up 459 00:24:02,524 --> 00:24:04,515 with a crowbar on the back of the head. 460 00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:07,275 But I recently found that this was too far from his brain, 461 00:24:07,321 --> 00:24:09,357 and I wasn't getting through to him anymore. 462 00:24:09,365 --> 00:24:11,481 So I now wake him up with a steel peg 463 00:24:11,533 --> 00:24:14,195 driven into his skull with a mallet. 464 00:24:17,706 --> 00:24:19,571 NARRATOR: For breakfast every da y, 465 00:24:19,625 --> 00:24:21,616 Ken places a plate of liver and bacon under his chair 466 00:24:21,669 --> 00:24:23,580 and locks himself in the cupboard. 467 00:24:25,172 --> 00:24:27,709 Well, he's having a lot of mental difficulties 468 00:24:27,758 --> 00:24:29,498 with his breakfasts. 469 00:24:29,551 --> 00:24:31,212 Uh, but it's his temperament 470 00:24:31,261 --> 00:24:35,425 caused by a small particle of brain in his skull. 471 00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:38,557 Once we've removed that, he'll be perfectly all right. 472 00:24:38,602 --> 00:24:40,684 NARRATOR: At 8:30, the real training begins. 473 00:24:40,729 --> 00:24:44,221 Ken goes back to bed, and his trainer gets him up. 474 00:24:54,451 --> 00:24:56,533 [PANTING] 475 00:25:12,428 --> 00:25:14,089 At 10:30 every morning, 476 00:25:14,138 --> 00:25:16,379 Ken arrives at what he thinks is the gym. 477 00:25:16,432 --> 00:25:18,673 Sometimes it's a sweet shop. Sometimes it's a private house. 478 00:25:18,726 --> 00:25:20,591 Today it's a hospital. 479 00:25:20,602 --> 00:25:23,184 [MUMBLES] Hi. Could you please tell me where the training is? 480 00:25:23,230 --> 00:25:26,097 Certainly. Um, yeah. Go straight down there. 481 00:25:28,652 --> 00:25:30,984 -Straight down there. -Down there. 482 00:25:31,030 --> 00:25:32,486 [MUMBLES] 483 00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:35,147 -Straight down there. -Down there. All right. 484 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,111 [GRUNTING] 485 00:25:40,581 --> 00:25:43,118 NARRATOR: For lunch Ken crouches down beside the road 486 00:25:43,125 --> 00:25:45,207 and rubs gravel into his hair. 487 00:25:51,300 --> 00:25:53,131 But lunch doesn't take long. 488 00:25:53,177 --> 00:25:57,136 Ken '3 soon up on his feet and back to bed. 489 00:25:57,139 --> 00:25:59,300 And his trainer has to run the 49,000 miles 490 00:25:59,308 --> 00:26:01,424 from his two-bedroom six-living-room tree house 491 00:26:01,477 --> 00:26:02,967 in Kyoto to wake him up. 492 00:26:03,020 --> 00:26:04,510 Hello. Eh, 493 00:26:04,563 --> 00:26:06,474 when Ken is in a really deep sleep like this one, 494 00:26:06,523 --> 00:26:09,560 uh, the only way to wake him up is to saw his head off. 495 00:26:11,695 --> 00:26:14,653 [STEEL GRINDING] 496 00:26:14,656 --> 00:26:17,363 NARRATOR: What is he like in the ring, this human dynamo, 497 00:26:17,409 --> 00:26:19,991 this 18-stone bantamweight battering ram? 498 00:26:20,037 --> 00:26:21,743 We asked his sparring partner 499 00:26:21,789 --> 00:26:24,496 and one-time childhood sweetheart, Maureen Spencer. 500 00:26:24,500 --> 00:26:28,413 Well, |-- I think that if Ken, uh, keeps his right up, 501 00:26:28,462 --> 00:26:30,418 gets in with the Ieftjab, 502 00:26:30,464 --> 00:26:33,171 and, uh, takes the fight to his man, 503 00:26:33,217 --> 00:26:36,254 well, uh, he should go for a cut eye in the third 504 00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:40,171 and, uh, put Wilcox on the canvas by six. 505 00:26:40,182 --> 00:26:43,219 NARRATOR: Ken '3 opponent in Tuesday's fight is Petula Wilcox, 506 00:26:43,268 --> 00:26:45,008 the Birmingham girl who was a shorthand typist 507 00:26:45,062 --> 00:26:47,553 before turning pro in 1968. 508 00:26:47,606 --> 00:26:50,723 She's keen on knitting and likes Cliff Richard records. 509 00:26:50,776 --> 00:26:53,017 How does she rate her chances against Ken? 510 00:26:53,070 --> 00:26:55,527 -Well... I'm a southpaw. -[CLIFF RICHARD MUSIC PLAYING] 511 00:26:55,531 --> 00:26:57,487 And I think this will confuse him, 512 00:26:57,533 --> 00:27:00,070 particularly with his brain problem. 513 00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:02,360 My lords, ladies, 514 00:27:02,412 --> 00:27:04,744 and gedderbong. 515 00:27:04,957 --> 00:27:06,538 On my right... 516 00:27:06,542 --> 00:27:08,533 from the town of Reigate, 517 00:27:08,585 --> 00:27:11,702 in the county of Kent, the heavyweight 518 00:27:11,713 --> 00:27:14,420 [SPEAKING GIBBERISH] 519 00:27:18,762 --> 00:27:21,720 Mr. Ken Clean-Air System! 520 00:27:21,723 --> 00:27:24,180 [CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING] 521 00:27:27,729 --> 00:27:30,095 And on my left, Miss Petula Wilcox. 522 00:27:30,149 --> 00:27:32,231 [CROWD BOOS] 523 00:27:34,987 --> 00:27:36,272 [BELL DINGS] 524 00:27:53,005 --> 00:27:55,587 Teaches you self-defense. 525 00:27:55,591 --> 00:27:57,582 MAN 2: Obviously, boxing must have its limits. 526 00:27:57,634 --> 00:27:59,420 But providing they're both perfectly fit, 527 00:27:59,469 --> 00:28:01,334 I can see nothing wrong with one healthy man 528 00:28:01,388 --> 00:28:03,720 beating the living day/ights out of a little schoolgirl. 529 00:28:03,765 --> 00:28:06,757 It's quick, and it’s fun. 530 00:28:06,935 --> 00:28:09,642 J‘ Raindrops keep falling On my head J‘ 531 00:28:09,688 --> 00:28:11,428 [HUMMING] 532 00:28:12,566 --> 00:28:14,522 Oh. No, he's gone. 533 00:28:14,568 --> 00:28:16,104 But he left a message. 534 00:28:16,111 --> 00:28:19,103 Jack! Where's that note that fellow left? 535 00:28:19,114 --> 00:28:21,196 Oh. 536 00:28:21,241 --> 00:28:23,573 Here you are. 537 00:28:23,619 --> 00:28:27,612 It says, "Sorry, had to catch the last bus. 538 00:28:27,623 --> 00:28:30,786 Am on the 498 to Babbacombe." 539 00:28:33,337 --> 00:28:35,578 Oh, uh... there you are. Hello. 540 00:28:35,631 --> 00:28:37,622 Urn, you got the note. Jolly good. 541 00:28:37,674 --> 00:28:39,380 Well, um, 542 00:28:39,426 --> 00:28:41,508 that's all the items that we have for you this week. 543 00:28:41,553 --> 00:28:45,091 And, uh, what a jolly nice lot of items too, eh? 544 00:28:45,140 --> 00:28:46,755 Urn... 545 00:28:46,808 --> 00:28:49,390 Well, the same team will be back with you again next week 546 00:28:49,436 --> 00:28:52,428 with another menu full of items. 547 00:28:53,690 --> 00:28:55,396 I don't know if I shall 548 00:28:55,442 --> 00:28:58,184 be introducing the show next week... 549 00:28:58,237 --> 00:29:00,603 as I understand that my bits in this show 550 00:29:00,656 --> 00:29:03,693 have not been received quite as well as they might. 551 00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:07,109 But, uh... never mind. 552 00:29:07,162 --> 00:29:11,075 The damage is done. No use crying over spilt milk. 553 00:29:11,124 --> 00:29:13,080 I've had my chance... 554 00:29:13,126 --> 00:29:15,742 and I've muffed it. 555 00:29:15,963 --> 00:29:17,954 Anyway, heh, there we are. 556 00:29:18,006 --> 00:29:20,088 I'm not really awfully good with words. 557 00:29:20,133 --> 00:29:21,998 You see, I'm more of a visual performer. 558 00:29:22,052 --> 00:29:24,759 [CHUCKLES] I have a very funny-- Though I say so myself. 559 00:29:24,972 --> 00:29:26,508 A very funny... 560 00:29:26,515 --> 00:29:29,097 funny walk. 561 00:29:29,142 --> 00:29:32,430 I wish I'd been in that show. 562 00:29:32,479 --> 00:29:35,095 I'd have done rather well. 563 00:29:35,148 --> 00:29:38,185 But anyway, there we are. Show's over. 564 00:29:38,193 --> 00:29:40,149 And, uh, we'll all be-- 565 00:29:40,195 --> 00:29:43,028 They'll all be back with you again next week. 566 00:29:47,327 --> 00:29:50,194 Sorry. 567 00:29:50,205 --> 00:29:52,366 I do beg your pardon. I don't like these... 568 00:29:54,001 --> 00:29:55,741 blatant displays of emotion. 569 00:29:58,672 --> 00:30:01,664 [SOBBING] I wish it would say, "The end."