1 00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:16,254 [J‘J‘J‘] 2 00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:20,338 Good evening. We've got an action-packed evening 3 00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:21,721 for you tonight on Thames. 4 00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:23,090 But right now, 5 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,099 here's a rotten old BBC program. 6 00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:29,062 [PLAYING FAN FARE] 7 00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:30,431 And now-- 8 00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:31,690 It's... 9 00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:34,147 [J‘J‘J‘] 10 00:02:58,387 --> 00:03:00,093 [APPLAUSE] 11 00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:05,466 -Ladies and gentlemen... -[CLEARS THROAT] 12 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,055 ...Mr. Chairman, 13 00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:09,470 friends of the society... 14 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,434 your dummy Royal Highness. 15 00:03:13,151 --> 00:03:17,611 Once again, the year has come full circle. 16 00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:22,275 And for me, there can be no greater privilege and honor 17 00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:26,403 than to that to which it is my lot 18 00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:28,617 to have befallen this evening. 19 00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:31,204 There can be no finer honor 20 00:03:31,253 --> 00:03:34,290 than to welcome into our midst tonight 21 00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:37,297 a guest who has not only done 22 00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:42,302 only more than not anyone for our society, 23 00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:46,014 but nonetheless, has only done more. 24 00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:51,804 He started in the film industry in 1924. 25 00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:55,273 He started again in 1946. 26 00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:59,152 And finally in 1963. 27 00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:02,319 He has been dead for four years, 28 00:04:02,325 --> 00:04:05,362 but he has not let that prevent him 29 00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:07,744 from coming here this evening. 30 00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:12,291 -Ladies and gentlemen... -[SN|FFS] 31 00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:16,328 ...no welcome could be more heartfelt 32 00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:18,546 than that which I have no doubt 33 00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:22,585 you will all want to join with me in giving... 34 00:04:22,637 --> 00:04:25,674 this great show-biz stiff. 35 00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:31,643 Ladies and gentlemen, to read the nominations 36 00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:35,351 for the Light Entertainment Award, 37 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:40,690 the remains of the late Sir Alan Waddle. 38 00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,312 [ORCHESTRA PLAYING] 39 00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:43,821 [APPLAUSE] 40 00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:01,581 WADDLE: The nominations are: 41 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:04,627 Mr. Edward Heath, for the new-suit sketch. 42 00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:08,053 [APPLAUSE] 43 00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:14,352 Mr. Richard Baker for Lemon Curry. 44 00:05:14,397 --> 00:05:16,683 Lemon Curry? 45 00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:19,475 [APPLAUSE] 46 00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:23,066 And the Third Parachute BHgade 47 00:05:23,114 --> 00:05:24,979 Amateur Dramatic Society 48 00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:28,116 for the Oscar Wilde sketch. 49 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,493 [J‘J‘J‘] 50 00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,289 My congratulations, Wilde. 51 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,798 Your latest play is a great success. 52 00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:46,342 The whole of London's talking about you. 53 00:05:46,388 --> 00:05:49,130 There is one thing in the world worse than being talked about. 54 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:51,343 And that is not being talked about. 55 00:05:51,393 --> 00:05:52,758 [ALL LAUGHING] 56 00:05:58,191 --> 00:05:59,522 Very, very witty. 57 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,530 There is only one thing worse than being witty. 58 00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:13,696 And that is not being witty. 59 00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:16,410 [ALL LAUGHING] 60 00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:26,170 I wish I had said that. 61 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,584 Uh, you will, Oscar. You will. 62 00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:29,343 [ALL LAUGHING] 63 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,552 Your Majesty, have you met James McNeill Whistler? 64 00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:34,512 Yes, we played squash together. 65 00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:37,473 There is only one thing worse than playing squash together. 66 00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:40,138 And that is playing it by yourself. 67 00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:45,477 I wish I hadn't said that. 68 00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:47,228 -You did, Oscar. You did. -[LAUGHTER] 69 00:06:47,282 --> 00:06:49,648 Excuse me, Wilde, I've got to get back up the palace. 70 00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:51,692 Your Majesty is like a big jam doughnut 71 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,111 with cream on the top. 72 00:06:54,164 --> 00:06:55,620 I beg your pardon? 73 00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:58,414 Um... 74 00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:00,958 lt-- It was one of Whistler's. 75 00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:02,244 I never said that. 76 00:07:02,297 --> 00:07:04,162 You did, James. You did. 77 00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:06,001 Uh... W-W-- Uh... 78 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,381 like a doughnut... um... 79 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,512 your a-arrival gives us pleasure, 80 00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:15,173 and your departure only makes us hungry for more. 81 00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:17,512 [ALL LAUGHING] 82 00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:23,557 Uh, Your Highness, you are also 83 00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,350 like a stream of bat's piss. 84 00:07:25,362 --> 00:07:27,353 -What? -It was one of Wilde's. One of Wilde's. 85 00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:30,197 lt sodding was not! 86 00:07:30,241 --> 00:07:31,356 It was Shaw. 87 00:07:34,079 --> 00:07:36,035 l-- l merely meant, Your Majesty, 88 00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:38,530 that you shine out like a shaft of gold 89 00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:40,702 when all around is dark. 90 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:42,120 Ah. Ha-ha-ha. 91 00:07:42,170 --> 00:07:43,330 [LAUGHS] 92 00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:45,211 -Right. -Smartass. 93 00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:46,705 Right? 94 00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:49,253 Your Majesty is like a dose of clap. 95 00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:51,214 Before you arrive-- 96 00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:52,757 Before you arrive is pleasure, 97 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:55,138 -and after is a pain in the dong. -What? 98 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:57,674 -One of Shaw's. -One of Shaw's. 99 00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:59,718 You bastards. 100 00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:04,689 Um, what I meant, Your Majesty... What I meant-- 101 00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:07,441 -We've got him, Jim. -Come on, Shaw-y. 102 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:10,194 -W|LDE: Go, Shaw-y. -| merely meant... 103 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,652 -Come on, Shaw-y. -Let's have a bit of the old wit, then. 104 00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:15,025 WILDE: Come on, Shaw-y. 105 00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:16,067 [B LOWS RASPBERRY] 106 00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:17,406 [ALL LAUGHING] 107 00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:19,325 [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY] 108 00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:21,490 PRINCE: Congratulations, Shaw. 109 00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:24,626 [ALL CHATTERING] 110 00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:36,130 MAN: Sorry, I can't hear a word you're saying. 111 00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:37,638 [ALL CHATTERING] 112 00:08:51,656 --> 00:08:53,396 Very amusing, Lord Kimble, 113 00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:54,690 but would you excuse me a moment? 114 00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:56,449 I want to powder my nose. 115 00:08:57,662 --> 00:09:00,620 [ALL CHATTERING] 116 00:09:08,965 --> 00:09:10,421 [LOUD FLATULENCE] 117 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:13,629 [RETCHING] 118 00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:16,002 [LOUD FLATULENCE] 119 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:18,468 [RETCHING, SNORTING] 120 00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:22,763 [WATER SPLASHES] 121 00:09:22,979 --> 00:09:25,311 [LOUD FLATULENCE] 122 00:09:30,028 --> 00:09:32,189 Ah. That's better. 123 00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:36,648 Have you heard the one about the one writer who was--? 124 00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:38,775 -[TARZAN YELL] -[MAN SCREAMS] 125 00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:40,280 MAN: Oh. It's Charwoman. 126 00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:41,570 [J‘J‘J‘] 127 00:09:41,623 --> 00:09:43,659 NARRATOR: Yes, Charwoman. 128 00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:47,747 Sweeping away the last remnants of male chauvinism. 129 00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:51,254 Polishing off all who dare stand in her way. 130 00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:54,006 And cleaning up in the publishing game. 131 00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:55,750 Yes, all these and more, 132 00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:59,012 as Charwoman once again takes to the skies. 133 00:09:59,057 --> 00:10:01,218 [TARZAN YELL] 134 00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:09,723 NARRATOR: Oh, well. Maybe next week. 135 00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:12,188 -Ladies and gentlemen... -[APPLAUSE] 136 00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:16,446 ...seldom can it have been a greater pleasure and privilege 137 00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:20,780 than it is for me now to announce that the next award 138 00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:24,738 gave me the great pleasure and privilege of 139 00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:26,201 asking a man, 140 00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:30,331 without whose ceaseless energy and tireless skill, 141 00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:36,838 the British film industry would be today. 142 00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:40,716 I refer, of course, to my friend and colleague, 143 00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:43,632 Mr. David Niven. 144 00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:46,176 [APPLAUSE] 145 00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:53,521 Sadly, David Niven cannot be with us tonight. 146 00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:56,607 But he has sent his fridge. 147 00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,692 [APPLAUSE] 148 00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:03,485 [J‘J‘J‘] 149 00:11:03,538 --> 00:11:08,248 This is the fridge in which David keeps most of his milk, 150 00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:11,209 butter and eggs. 151 00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:14,746 What a typically selfless gesture, 152 00:11:14,799 --> 00:11:17,506 that he should send this fridge 153 00:11:17,552 --> 00:11:22,421 of all of his fridges, to be with us tonight. 154 00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:29,811 FRIDGE: The nominations for the best foreign film director are: 155 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:34,103 Monsieur Richard Attenborough, 156 00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:38,069 Ricardo de Attenbergie, 157 00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:41,026 Rik Artenborough, 158 00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:45,034 Ri Char Dat En Bollo, 159 00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:49,118 and Pier Paolo Pasolini. 160 00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:52,117 Before we hear the joint winner... 161 00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:55,628 let's see the one that came sixth. 162 00:11:55,673 --> 00:12:01,213 Let us see Pier Paolo Pasolini's latest film. 163 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:05,388 [BIRDS CHIRPING] 164 00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:16,015 [CACKLING] 165 00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:20,645 [J‘J‘J‘] 166 00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:34,500 Mm. Mm. 167 00:12:36,214 --> 00:12:37,545 Mm. Mm. 168 00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:39,748 Mm. 169 00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:42,337 Mm. 170 00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:47,547 -Excuse me. -WOMAN: Huh? 171 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,595 Ha! 172 00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:55,684 [J‘J‘J‘] 173 00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:58,559 [LAUGHING] 174 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:01,023 Yeah, I mean, there's lots of people making love, 175 00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:03,487 but there's no mention of Geoff Boycott's average. 176 00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:05,774 Who is Geoff Boycott? 177 00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:07,700 And in the film, we get Fred Titmus. 178 00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:09,490 Si, Titmus. Si, si. 179 00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,530 The symbol of man's regeneration through radical Marxism. 180 00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:14,540 Fair enough. But-- But we never once get a chance 181 00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:17,160 to see him turn his off-breaks on that Brisbane sticky. 182 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:19,416 Aye, and what were all that dancing 183 00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,376 through Ray Illingworth's innings? 184 00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:24,168 Forty-seven not out, and the bird comes up 185 00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:25,585 and feed him some grapes. 186 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,629 -[ALL CHATTERING] --declared. 187 00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:29,138 What--? What is "declared"? 188 00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:31,424 Now, what's on the other side? 189 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,348 [CHANGES CHANNEL] 190 00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:35,603 AWARDS HOST: Nobody could be prouder... 191 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,138 Ugh! 192 00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:41,647 Um... shall we go down and give blood? 193 00:13:41,696 --> 00:13:45,188 Oh, I don't want a great bat flapping round my neck. 194 00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:46,447 They don't do it like that. 195 00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:48,403 They take it from your arm. 196 00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:50,819 I can't give it. I caught swamp fever in the tropics. 197 00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:52,575 You've never even been to the tropics. 198 00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:55,164 You've never been south of Sidcup. 199 00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:56,665 You can catch it off lampposts. 200 00:13:58,046 --> 00:13:59,206 Catch what? 201 00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:00,745 Oh, I don't know. I'm all confused. 202 00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:02,588 You ought to go and see a psychiatrist. 203 00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:04,207 You're a looney. 204 00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,171 You might even need a new brain. 205 00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:09,132 Oh, I couldn't afford a whole new brain. 206 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,298 Well, you could get one of those Curry's brains. 207 00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:13,216 -How much are they? -I don't know. 208 00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:15,305 I'll have a look in the catalogue. Here we are. 209 00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:18,559 Battery lights, dynamo lights. 210 00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:20,439 Rear lights. Brains. 211 00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:22,646 -Here we are. -l'm still confused. 212 00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,027 Oh, there's a nice one here. Thirteen and 6. 213 00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:26,438 It's one of Curry's own brains. 214 00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:28,155 That one looks nice. What's that? 215 00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:31,034 -That's a mudguard. -lt's only eight bob. 216 00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:34,367 Oh, I think it's worth the extra 5 bob for the brain. 217 00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:36,155 I'll give them a ring. 218 00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:41,460 Hello, Curry's? 219 00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:45,628 I'd like to try one of your 13-and-sixpenny brains, please. 220 00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:48,713 Yes. Yes. Yes. Ye-- 221 00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:52,676 Um, five-and-a-half. Yes. Yes. 222 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,636 Thank you. 223 00:14:54,644 --> 00:14:57,010 -They're sending someone round. -[KNOCKING ON DOOR] 224 00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:59,554 Ooh, that was quick. Come in. 225 00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:04,101 Uh, hello, Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. Zambezi? 226 00:15:04,153 --> 00:15:06,986 Yes, that's right. Are you the man from Curry's? 227 00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:10,698 Uh, no. l'vejust come to say that he's on his way. 228 00:15:12,703 --> 00:15:15,115 -Would you sign this, please? -WOMAN: Oh, cert-- 229 00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:17,029 -Yes. -MAN: Thank you very much. 230 00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:18,493 Ooh. 231 00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:19,786 -MAN: Thank you. -Sorry. 232 00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:21,162 Sorry to bother you. 233 00:15:21,212 --> 00:15:22,668 -Thank you. -MAN: Thank you. 234 00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:24,374 Thank you. 235 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,506 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 236 00:15:26,509 --> 00:15:28,545 -He's just coming now. -Thank you. 237 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,209 -[KNOCKING] -Come in. 238 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:31,548 MAN: Here he is. 239 00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:34,008 [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY] 240 00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:40,012 Hello? 241 00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:41,478 Hello! 242 00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,182 That's not a proper salesman. 243 00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:46,650 I'm not buying one from him. He doesn't give you confidence. 244 00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:49,233 Doesn't give me any confidence at all. 245 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:50,692 He's obviously a dummy. 246 00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:52,026 I'll ring Curry's. 247 00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:55,238 Hello, Curry's? 248 00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:58,325 That salesman you sent round is obviously a dummy. 249 00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:01,286 Oh, thank you very much. 250 00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:03,200 They're sending round a real one. 251 00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:05,040 -[KNOCKING ON DOOR] -Come in. 252 00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:07,379 Good morning. Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. Zambezi? 253 00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,214 -Yes, that's right. -Yes, that's right. 254 00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:10,545 [DEEP VOICE] Yes, that's right. 255 00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:12,210 All right, Rutherford, I'll take over. 256 00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:17,131 Ooh, that's nice. 257 00:16:17,185 --> 00:16:18,641 Yes, we sell a lot of these. 258 00:16:18,686 --> 00:16:20,392 Right, shall we try a fitting? 259 00:16:20,438 --> 00:16:22,019 Oh, do I have to have an operation? 260 00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:23,600 No, madam, you just strap it on. 261 00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,389 Doesn't it go inside my head? 262 00:16:25,443 --> 00:16:27,104 Um, not the Roadster, madam. No. 263 00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,609 You're thinking of the Brainette Major. 264 00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:30,565 -How much is that? -Forty-four and 6. 265 00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:32,404 Oh, no, it's not worth it. 266 00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:34,740 Not with the Curry's surgery we use, no, madam. 267 00:16:34,785 --> 00:16:37,618 Now, then, the best bet is the Bertrand Russell Super Silver. 268 00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:41,076 That's a real beauty. 250 quid plus hospital treatment. 269 00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:43,036 -Ooh, that's a lot. -lt's color. 270 00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:44,708 Right. 271 00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:47,086 One, two, three. Testing, testing. 272 00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:48,621 Mince pie for me, please. 273 00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:50,255 What did she say that for? 274 00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:51,715 Quiet, please. It's not adjusted yet. 275 00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:53,717 Oh, I am enjoying this rickshaw ride. 276 00:16:53,763 --> 00:16:56,505 I've been a Tory all my life, my life, my life. 277 00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:58,218 Good morning, Mr. Presley. 278 00:16:58,267 --> 00:16:58,676 How well you look. You look very well. 279 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,601 Our cruising speed is 610 miles per hour. 280 00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:04,391 Well, well, well, porridge. 281 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,557 Well, well, hell, hell, hello, hello, dear. 282 00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:08,645 Hello, dear! 283 00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:10,104 Ooh. 284 00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:13,612 Right. One, two, three... 285 00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:15,444 Eight. Seven. 286 00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:16,611 -[LOW VOICE] Four. -Good. 287 00:17:16,661 --> 00:17:18,492 Oh, she never knew that before. 288 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,119 Quiet, please. 289 00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:24,286 Mrs. Zambezi... who wrote the theory of relativity? 290 00:17:24,293 --> 00:17:25,703 -I know! I know! -Quiet, please. 291 00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:29,541 Einstane. Einstone. 292 00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:32,252 Einsteen. Einston. Einstin. 293 00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:34,462 -Einsten. Einstein. -Good. 294 00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:36,503 -Noel Einstein. -Right. 295 00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,137 That'll be 13 and 6, please. 296 00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,051 Ooh, that's marvellous. 297 00:17:40,101 --> 00:17:42,217 She can take it off at night, unless she wants to read. 298 00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:43,476 Don't ask her too many questions, 299 00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:45,136 becauseifH gethot 300 00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:47,225 If you do have any trouble, here's my card. 301 00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:49,140 -Give us a ring. -Oh, thank you. 302 00:17:49,193 --> 00:17:51,479 Give us a ring, and either myself or Mr. Rutherford 303 00:17:51,529 --> 00:17:52,814 will come and see you. Goodbye. 304 00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:54,229 Thank you very much. 305 00:17:57,159 --> 00:17:59,195 Uh, he's gone now. 306 00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:02,411 Uh... 307 00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:03,696 shall we, uh... 308 00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:05,330 go down and give blood? 309 00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:07,040 Yes, please, Mr. Roosevelt, 310 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,701 but try and keep the noise to a minimum. 311 00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:11,496 Oh, that's fine. I'll go and get your coat for you. 312 00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:13,964 Oh, I'm quite warm in this stick of celery, 313 00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:15,716 thank you, Senator Muskie. 314 00:18:17,305 --> 00:18:19,011 Stapling machine, Mr. Clarke. 315 00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:21,176 New brain. 316 00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:23,307 Stapling machine, Mrs. Worral. 317 00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:27,432 Are you sure that's working all right? 318 00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:29,312 Oh, yes, thank you, dear. It's marvelous. 319 00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:30,598 I think if we can win one or two 320 00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,357 of the early primaries, 321 00:18:32,403 --> 00:18:34,359 we could split the urban Republican vote wide open. 322 00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:35,523 Mm-hm. 323 00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:37,442 Well, here we are, then. 324 00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:39,231 Oh, being President of the United States 325 00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:41,150 is something I shall have to think about. 326 00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:42,568 -Blood donors that way, please. -Oh, thank you very much. 327 00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:44,328 Thank you. 328 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,366 [INAUDIBLE WHISPERING] 329 00:18:48,419 --> 00:18:49,454 What? 330 00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:52,294 [INAUDIBLE WHISPERING] 331 00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:54,376 No. 332 00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:55,372 [INAUDIBLE WHISPER] 333 00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:57,215 No. I'm sorry, but no. 334 00:18:58,346 --> 00:18:58,755 [WHISPERS] 335 00:19:00,014 --> 00:19:03,177 No, you may not give urine instead of blood. 336 00:19:04,727 --> 00:19:06,012 No, well, I don't care if you want to. 337 00:19:07,521 --> 00:19:09,557 No, there's no such thing as a urine bank. 338 00:19:09,607 --> 00:19:11,063 Please. 339 00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:12,523 No. We have no call for it. 340 00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:14,149 We have quite enough of it 341 00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:16,402 without volunteers coming in here donating it. 342 00:19:16,405 --> 00:19:18,691 -Just a specimen. -No, we don't want a specimen. 343 00:19:18,741 --> 00:19:20,732 We either want your blood or nothing. 344 00:19:20,743 --> 00:19:22,984 I'll give you some blood if you'll give me... 345 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:26,075 -What? -A thing to do some urine in. 346 00:19:26,082 --> 00:19:27,572 No, no, no. Just go away, please. 347 00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:29,323 Anyway, I don't want to give you any blood. 348 00:19:29,377 --> 00:19:31,242 Fine, you don't have to, you see. Just go away. 349 00:19:31,295 --> 00:19:33,081 -Can I give you some spit? -Nope. 350 00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:34,666 -Sweat? -Nope. 351 00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:36,706 -Earwax. -Nope. Look, this is a blood bank. 352 00:19:36,759 --> 00:19:38,590 All we want is blood. 353 00:19:38,636 --> 00:19:41,594 All right. I'll give you some blood. 354 00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:50,185 -Where did you get that? -Today. It's today's. 355 00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:52,222 -What group is it? -Uh, what groups are there? 356 00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:53,684 -There's "A"-- -lt's "A". 357 00:19:56,654 --> 00:19:57,734 Wait a moment. 358 00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:03,282 It's mine. This blood's mine. 359 00:20:03,285 --> 00:20:04,741 -What are you doing with it? -I found it. 360 00:20:04,787 --> 00:20:06,994 You found--? You stole it out of my body, didn't you?! 361 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:09,075 -No. -No wonder I'm feeling off-coI-- 362 00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:11,036 -Give that back. -lt's mine. 363 00:20:11,085 --> 00:20:12,245 It is not yours. You stole it. 364 00:20:12,294 --> 00:20:13,625 -Never. -Give it back to me! 365 00:20:13,671 --> 00:20:17,539 All right. But only if I can give urine. 366 00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:19,377 Get in the queue. 367 00:20:19,427 --> 00:20:22,510 Good afternoon, and welcome to wife-swapping from Redcar. 368 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,216 And the big news this afternoon 369 00:20:24,265 --> 00:20:26,256 is that the British boy, Boris Rodgers, 370 00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:30,017 has succeeded in swapping his 9-stone, Welsh-born wife 371 00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:33,805 for a Ford Popular and a complete set of Dickens. 372 00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:36,057 Well, now, I can see they're ready at the start, 373 00:20:36,110 --> 00:20:39,147 so let's go now over to the start of the 3:30. 374 00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:41,812 ANNOUNCER 1: First let's catch up with the latest news of the betting. 375 00:20:42,032 --> 00:20:44,774 ANNOUNCER 2: Number 12, Betty Parkinson, 7-to-4 on favorite. 376 00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:48,695 Number 27, Mrs. Colyer 9-to-4, 5-to-1 bar those. 377 00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:50,739 ANNOUNCER 1: And here's the starter, Mrs. Alec Marsh. 378 00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:52,497 And they're off. 379 00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,124 And Mrs. Rodgers is the first to show. 380 00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:55,751 She goes into Mr. Johnston 's. 381 00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:57,627 And Mrs. Johnston across to Mr. Colyer, 382 00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:59,413 followed closely by Mrs. Casey on the inside. 383 00:20:59,467 --> 00:21:01,128 Mrs. Parkinson, number 12, going well 384 00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:03,293 into Mr. Webster's from the co-op. 385 00:21:03,345 --> 00:21:05,085 Mrs. Colyer's making ground fast after a poor start. 386 00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:07,004 She's out of Mr. Casey's, into Mr. Parkinson ’s. 387 00:21:07,057 --> 00:21:08,547 She's a couple of lengths ahead of Mrs. Johnson, 388 00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:10,387 who's still not out of Mr. Casey’s. 389 00:21:10,436 --> 00:21:12,267 Mrs. Penguin and number 8, Mrs. Colyer, 390 00:21:12,313 --> 00:21:14,019 these two now at the head of the field, 391 00:21:14,064 --> 00:21:15,804 from Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Atkins, Mrs. Parkinson, 392 00:21:16,025 --> 00:21:18,732 Mrs. Warner and Mrs. Rudd, all still at Mr. Phillips.’ 393 00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:21,565 Mrs. Penguin making a running now, challenged by Mrs. Casey. 394 00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:23,730 Mrs. Casey coming from very fast on the inside. 395 00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:26,274 It's gonna be Mrs. Casey coming from behind on the outside. 396 00:21:26,327 --> 00:21:28,693 Mrs. Penguin running. And at the line 397 00:21:28,704 --> 00:21:31,537 it's Mrs. Casey who's got it by a short head from Mrs. Penguin, 398 00:21:31,582 --> 00:21:33,368 in second place, Mrs. Parkinson in third, 399 00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:35,453 Mrs. Rudd, Mrs. Colyer, Mrs. Warner. 400 00:21:35,503 --> 00:21:39,712 And there ’3 Mrs. Griffiths, who's remained unswapped. 401 00:21:41,675 --> 00:21:43,540 Well, a very exciting race there, 402 00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:45,543 and I have with me now the man who owned 403 00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:49,092 and trained the winner Mrs. Casey... Mr. Casey. 404 00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:51,257 -Well done, Jack. -Uh, thank you, John. 405 00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:53,096 Well, were you surprised about this, Jack? 406 00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:54,305 No, not really. No. 407 00:21:54,355 --> 00:21:56,220 She's been going very well in training 408 00:21:56,273 --> 00:21:57,763 at, uh, Doncaster last week. 409 00:21:57,817 --> 00:21:59,478 Uh, and I fancy her very strongly 410 00:21:59,527 --> 00:22:01,063 for the, uh, Cheltenham weekend. 411 00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:02,685 Well, thank you very much indeed, Jack. 412 00:22:02,738 --> 00:22:04,194 We must leave you now, 413 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,276 because it's time for the team event. 414 00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:07,781 Hello, and a very warm welcome 415 00:22:07,993 --> 00:22:10,075 from the Tower ballroom suite, Reading, 416 00:22:10,079 --> 00:22:11,239 where there's very little in it, 417 00:22:11,247 --> 00:22:12,783 they're neck and neck, 418 00:22:12,998 --> 00:22:14,488 crop and grommet, real rack and saddle, 419 00:22:14,542 --> 00:22:16,248 brick and bucket, horse and tooth, 420 00:22:16,252 --> 00:22:17,742 cap and thigh, arse over tip. 421 00:22:17,795 --> 00:22:19,410 They're absolutely birds of a feather, 422 00:22:19,421 --> 00:22:21,082 there's not a new pin in it. 423 00:22:21,131 --> 00:22:22,746 You couldn't get a melon between them. 424 00:22:22,758 --> 00:22:25,625 Well, now, everything rests on the formation event, 425 00:22:25,678 --> 00:22:29,421 and here comes the North West with the mambo. 426 00:22:29,473 --> 00:22:31,634 Maestro, take it away, please. 427 00:22:41,777 --> 00:22:43,483 [ALL YELLING, GRUNTING] 428 00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:56,405 And now, it's time for Rugby League, 429 00:22:56,458 --> 00:22:58,039 highlights of this afternoon's game 430 00:22:58,085 --> 00:23:00,997 between Keighley and Hull Kingston Rovers. 431 00:23:01,046 --> 00:23:03,207 ANNOUNCER: Well, good afternoon, and as you can see, 432 00:23:03,257 --> 00:23:06,340 Hull Kingston Rovers are well in the lead. 433 00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:08,546 It's a scrumdown on the 25, and Keighley, 434 00:23:08,596 --> 00:23:10,257 Tom Colyer, with the put-in, 435 00:23:10,306 --> 00:23:12,262 -Mrs. Colyer to be put. -[GRUNTING] 436 00:23:12,308 --> 00:23:15,050 And there goes his wife deep into the scrum. 437 00:23:15,102 --> 00:23:18,185 They've got the heel against the head. 438 00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:20,346 Doing very nicely with this scrum. 439 00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:22,731 Some very good packing here. 440 00:23:22,776 --> 00:23:24,687 Warrington's picked it up. Is he going to let her go? No. 441 00:23:24,737 --> 00:23:26,648 He passes to Wrigley. 442 00:23:26,697 --> 00:23:29,063 -[MRS. COLYER YELLING] -[ANNOUNCER TALKING INDISTINCTLY] 443 00:23:30,618 --> 00:23:31,653 [MEN CHEERING] 444 00:23:31,702 --> 00:23:33,988 [WHISTLE TWEETS] 445 00:23:34,038 --> 00:23:35,994 ANNOUNCER: Well, that was right on the whistle. 446 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:37,496 Rovers walking it down, 447 00:23:37,541 --> 00:23:40,157 winning easily by 26 points to 2. 448 00:23:40,169 --> 00:23:42,251 Just a reminder: that on Match of the Day tonight, 449 00:23:42,296 --> 00:23:45,163 you can see highlights of two of this afternoon's big games. 450 00:23:45,215 --> 00:23:46,830 Mrs. Robinson v. Manchester United 451 00:23:47,009 --> 00:23:49,341 and Southampton v. Mr. Rogers. 452 00:23:49,345 --> 00:23:51,301 A rather unusual game, that. 453 00:23:51,347 --> 00:23:53,087 And here's a late result. 454 00:23:53,140 --> 00:23:57,053 Coventry City, nil, Mr. Johnson's Una, 3. 455 00:23:57,102 --> 00:23:59,559 Coventry going down at home there. 456 00:23:59,605 --> 00:24:01,971 Just a little reminder that the next sport you can see on BBC 1, 457 00:24:02,024 --> 00:24:04,231 will be 9:20 on Wednesday night, 458 00:24:04,276 --> 00:24:07,689 when Wife-Swapping with Coleman comes live from my place. 459 00:24:07,738 --> 00:24:09,979 Till then, good night. 460 00:24:10,032 --> 00:24:14,025 [J‘J‘J‘] 461 00:24:55,285 --> 00:24:59,244 There they go, the credits of the year. 462 00:24:59,248 --> 00:25:01,955 Credits that you and the society 463 00:25:02,001 --> 00:25:03,741 voted as the credits 464 00:25:03,961 --> 00:25:07,704 that brought the most credit to the society. 465 00:25:07,756 --> 00:25:10,213 Sadly, the man who designed them 466 00:25:10,259 --> 00:25:12,090 cannot be with us tonight, 467 00:25:12,094 --> 00:25:14,710 as he is at home asleep. 468 00:25:14,763 --> 00:25:18,096 But we are going to wake him up and tell him the good news. 469 00:25:18,100 --> 00:25:21,513 Are you there in Bristol, Arthur Briggs? 470 00:25:21,562 --> 00:25:23,598 Oh, my God! 471 00:25:23,605 --> 00:25:25,266 [APPLA USE] 472 00:25:29,111 --> 00:25:32,103 And now for the moment you've all been waiting for. 473 00:25:33,198 --> 00:25:35,610 No. Not that moment. 474 00:25:35,617 --> 00:25:39,530 Although, that moment is coming in a moment. 475 00:25:39,580 --> 00:25:41,696 The moment I'm talking about 476 00:25:45,419 --> 00:25:48,456 for the cast with the most awards award. 477 00:25:50,132 --> 00:25:53,374 And this year is no exception. 478 00:25:53,427 --> 00:25:57,466 Ladies and gentlemen, will you join me and welcome, please, 479 00:25:57,514 --> 00:26:01,257 the winners of this year's Mountbatten trophy, 480 00:26:01,310 --> 00:26:04,393 show business's highest accolade, 481 00:26:04,438 --> 00:26:08,727 the cast of the dirty-vicar sketch. 482 00:26:08,776 --> 00:26:11,188 [APPLAUSE] 483 00:26:11,236 --> 00:26:13,477 [SYMPHONY PLAYING] 484 00:26:36,261 --> 00:26:40,675 Well... now, let us see the performances 485 00:26:40,682 --> 00:26:43,344 which brought them this award. 486 00:26:43,352 --> 00:26:45,013 Let us see... 487 00:26:45,020 --> 00:26:48,683 the dirty-vicar sketch. 488 00:26:48,732 --> 00:26:51,189 Have you seen Lady Windermere's new carriage, dear? 489 00:26:51,235 --> 00:26:52,725 -Absolutely enchanting. -Isn't it? 490 00:26:52,778 --> 00:26:55,611 -Yes. -The new vicar to see you, milady. 491 00:26:55,656 --> 00:26:57,487 Ah. Send him in, Chivers. 492 00:26:57,533 --> 00:26:58,613 Certainly, milady. 493 00:27:00,327 --> 00:27:02,192 Now... how is your tea, dear? 494 00:27:02,246 --> 00:27:03,702 A little more water perhaps? 495 00:27:03,747 --> 00:27:05,237 Thank you. It's delightful as it is. 496 00:27:09,711 --> 00:27:12,077 The Reverend Ronald Simms, 497 00:27:12,131 --> 00:27:14,372 the dirty vicar of St. Michael's-- Aah! 498 00:27:14,383 --> 00:27:16,089 Hello, hello. 499 00:27:16,135 --> 00:27:18,251 Craw, what a lovely bit of stuff. 500 00:27:18,303 --> 00:27:20,134 I'd like to get my fingers around... 501 00:27:20,180 --> 00:27:21,215 -[SHRIEKING] -Oh! 502 00:27:21,265 --> 00:27:23,301 [VICAR GRUNTING] 503 00:27:23,350 --> 00:27:25,306 [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 504 00:27:27,396 --> 00:27:29,011 -Oh! -How do you find the Vicarage? 505 00:27:29,064 --> 00:27:31,396 Yeah. I like tits. 506 00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:32,731 -[YELLS] -[SHRIEKS] 507 00:27:32,776 --> 00:27:34,607 -Oh, vicar! Vicar! -Oh, my goodness. 508 00:27:34,653 --> 00:27:37,110 |-- I do beg your pardon. How dreadful. 509 00:27:37,156 --> 00:27:39,397 |-- My first day in my new parish, I completely lost my-- 510 00:27:39,449 --> 00:27:40,985 -Yes. Never mind. -So sorry. 511 00:27:41,034 --> 00:27:42,570 Never mind. 512 00:27:42,619 --> 00:27:44,155 Uh, Chivers, send Mary in with a new gown. 513 00:27:44,204 --> 00:27:46,160 -Certainly, milady. -I do beg your pardon. 514 00:27:46,206 --> 00:27:48,572 I-- I'll help you sit down. I'm-- So sorry. 515 00:27:48,625 --> 00:27:51,992 As I was saying, um, how do you find the new Vicarage? 516 00:27:52,045 --> 00:27:54,161 Oh. Oh, yes, c-certainly. Yes, indeed. Um... 517 00:27:54,214 --> 00:27:56,079 I find the-- The grounds delightful 518 00:27:56,091 --> 00:27:58,423 and the servants most attentive. 519 00:27:58,427 --> 00:27:58,882 Uh, particularly the little serving maid 520 00:28:00,012 --> 00:28:02,298 with the great big knockers, who once she gets going... 521 00:28:02,347 --> 00:28:04,178 [GRUNTING] 522 00:28:04,224 --> 00:28:06,089 [SCREAMING] 523 00:28:07,603 --> 00:28:09,309 [APPLAUSE] 524 00:28:10,564 --> 00:28:13,146 Well, there we are. 525 00:28:13,192 --> 00:28:16,980 Another year has been too soon, 526 00:28:17,029 --> 00:28:19,236 alas, ended. 527 00:28:19,281 --> 00:28:22,364 And I think none more than myself 528 00:28:22,409 --> 00:28:25,116 can be happier at this time 529 00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:26,530 than I... am.