captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome! that is a great crowd, right there. thank you so much. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. oh, my gosh. we have a fun show tonight. welcome, everybody. [ cheers ] here's what people are talking about. i guess to appeal to a younger audience, this year's academy awards are just being referred to as the oscars. [ light laughter ] that's what i heard, yeah, and to appeal to an even younger audience, they're spelling oscar with a "z." [ light laughter ] yeah, and backwards in crayon. >> steve: yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. that's right, the oscars are just four days away and experts are saying the movie "argo" is the favorite to win best picture. [ cheers and applause ] i'll be happy with that.

with "lincoln" a close second. yeah, and the favorite for worst picture is still this -- it's my high school photo. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] "weirdo unchained." >> steve: or "zero dork thirty." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i tried to grow a mustache. [ squeaky pubescent voice ] shave it off for the yearbook, either way. >> steve: forget it mom. >> jimmy: i grew this for 7 months. >> steve: you should grow it for 15 years. >> jimmy: some political news here, there's talk that the white house may fine china for its recent cyber attacks on american companies. [ scattered cheers ] the fine could total in the millions of dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay back china. and so that would be -- [ laughter ] -- perfect. [ cheers and applause ] m.c. escher. check this out. today doctors at a hospital in texas live tweeted a baby's delivery.

i thought it was weird, they kept using the hashtag #yuck. [ light laughter ] but these doctors, they live tweeted a baby's delivery and even posted some videos of the birth on youtube. most people called it a bit much while kim and kanye called it a great idea. [ laughter ] they might -- guys, this isn't good. a new study found that almost 13 million americans had their identity stolen last year. that's crazy, isn't it, higgins? >> yeah, crazy, man. [ laughter ] get this, guys, in an effort to reduce its debt, the postal service is launching its own line of clothing and accessories. yeah, they come in one size, embarrasses all. [ light laughter ] it's just going to be fantastic. blue polyester shorts.

>> steve: yeah, class. >> jimmy: i like those uniforms. >> steve: they're classy. >> jimmy: yeah. did you guys see this? today yahoo! -- remember yahoo!? they -- yahoo! unveiled its first new home page in four years. it's pretty interesting. take a look at this home page. that's weird, right? [ laughter ] they didn't have to do that. and finally this week, the supreme court ruled that property can be searched without a warrant if a police dog smells something suspicious. which explains that new suspect on the fbi's most list, butt. we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ and who can love you like me nobody who can sex you like me ♪ ♪ nobody who can treat you like me now, baby nobody ♪ ♪ nobody, baby nobody and who can do it like me nobody ♪ ♪ and who can give you what you need nobody who can do you ♪ ♪ all night long

nobody nobody, baby ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: woo! that is r & b legend keith sweat sitting in with the roots tonight. [ cheers and applause ] woo-hoo! he has a new book called "make it last forever." it was just released last week. yeah. that's what i'm talking about, make it last forever. keith sweat. yeah, yeah, yeah. guess what, guys, keith is giving away copies to everyone in our audience. [ cheers and applause ] you're a good man. thank you, buddy. thanks for coming on. we have a big show tonight. he's a great actor and he stars on "house of lies" on showtime. don cheadle is back on the show! [ cheers and applause ] we do not like that man anore. he's just fun. plus, he's a hilarious stand-up comedian, we just love him. he's a "daily show" correspondent, john oliver is here as well. [ cheers and applause ]

and we have music from ke$ha! the one and only! [ cheers and applause ] it's going to be fun tonight. great show tonight. hey, guys, the 85th annual academy awards are this sunday, and all across the country people are making their final picks in their oscar office pools. now, it's hard to just predict who the winners are going to be especially the category of best picture which has nine nominees. so, to help you guys figure out who is going to win best picture, we once again turn to the predicting power of the "late night" puppies. it's time for "if puppies could vote" oscars edition. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: all right. let's bring them out! [ cheers and applause ] all right. [ audience aws ]

look at them. they're all dressed in their nice tuxedoes. [ audience aws ] even the ladies. they are very classy. [ laughter ] now, here's how this works. we have nine bowls of kibble. each labeled with a different film that was nominated in the best picture category. whichever bowl the most puppies go to, will win best picture. and we're pretty sure about this, because just a few weeks ago these guys picked the ravens to win the super bowl. they are really good at this. [ cheers and applause ] so let's meet our puppies. first, we have roger blaine. [ audience aws ] we have brian johnson. lisa armstrong. kyle mcadams, and, of course, barry frick. that's five hungry pups, nine bowls of delicious kibbles. puppies, are you guys ready? hi, barry. barry, you paying attention? look, you guys, when i say "go" -- calm down. lisa, calm down. [ laughter ] [ audience aws ] barry, stop it!

barry, stop -- hey. barry. stop it, focus. [ laughter ] barry! barry, stop it right now. all right. whichever bowl you eat out of the most will win best picture so it's really important, so focus! barry, stop that. here we go. drum roll, please. [ drum roll ] release the puppies! [ cheers ] ♪ jimmy: here we go. it looks like -- no. "amour"? wait, where are you going? barry, barry. ♪ [ light laughter ] this way over here. where are they all going? all right, that's one. they're attacking each other.

who do you think the winner is? it's this one right here. who is this? "argo" is the winner! we have a winner, "argo." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ you guys, according to our puppies, "argo" will take the oscar award for best picture. great job. [ cheers and applause ] thank you to all of our puppies. we'll be right back with "audience suggestion box." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. welcome back. thank you for watching. as you guys know, we're always striving to get better here at "late night." harder -- ♪ better -- ♪ faster -- ♪ stronger. [ cheers and applause ] so, before every show, we put out a suggestion box for the audience just to get some feedback about what you guys think of the show, things you would like to see us do, that kind of stuff. so tonight, let's take a look inside the "audience suggestion box." here we go. ♪ welcome to the box to the suggestion box ♪ >> jimmy: here we go. here's the suggest box right,

right there. this one here -- this first one is from sarah wilcox. sarah, you out there? perfect. "hey, jimmy, do you think you can get nostalgic for a second?" let me give it a try. ♪ i'll never forget my neighbor joey and his dog. [ laughter ] this next one here is from jerry caldwell. "jimmy, remember the cartoon 'doug?' [ cheers and applause ] well, i always wondered what he would look like if he were a real person. think you could make that happen?" i think we can do that. ladies and gentlemen, here's a real life version of the cartoon character doug funnie. [ theme from "doug" ]

[ cheers and applause ] can we see him next to a picture of doug? can we see? there we go. that's pretty close. [ cheers and applause ] that looks pretty good. give it up to the real life version of doug, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ dancing. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: this one is from allison welch. "hey, jimmy, have you heard of the brand new trend of digital mustaches called digi-staches? it's pretty cool. you should try doing a few." you know, allison, i have heard of digi-staches. they're a fun and simple way for people to change their facial hair and we actually have the technology here to do them. so, higgins, do you mind if we test out a few digi-staches on you? >> steve: not at all. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy:: all right. let's first give him a classic mustache, like a tom selleck one. [ laughter ] that's pretty good.

how about fu manchu? [ laughter ] yeah. there you go. that was good. let's try a handlebar mustache. dare i say. >> steve: "i say, my good man." >> jimmy:: how about -- can we do a steve harvey? >> steve: "hey, player!" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: now, let's give him a mario mustache. >> steve: "hey, it's-a me, mario!" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: perfect. that's perfect. thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] higgins, you ever had a mustache? >> steve: no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: let's get another suggestion, here. this one is from jamieson guest. "jimmy, i love the opera, and i love 'the bachelor.' could you revoice a scene from 'the bachelor' so it looks like they're singing?" i think we can do that. here's a clip from "the bachelor," revoiced, so it looks like they're singing opera. ♪ it's not easy for me because i do have feelings for tiara! ♪ ♪ and anytime someone is sad emotionally vulnerable ♪ >> ♪ right >> ♪ the last thing you want to do is add to it ♪ >> ♪ right. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: this from is from matt polanski. "hey, jimmy, i love pickles." that's not a suggestion at all. "they are so good. can you bring out someone who has never tried a pickle before and have them try one on your show?" actually, one of our writers here at "late night" has never tried a pickle. that's true. his name is deetch. he's 29 years old. one of our best writers. we're going to bring him out tonight to try his first ever pickle. come on out, deetch. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: now this -- this is totally true. this isn't a bit. you've never had a pickle before? >> no, i've never had a pickle. >> jimmy: i mean, how is that possible? >> just -- i didn't really eat a lot of green stuff when i was a kid. >> jimmy: you didn't like green stuff? >> no. i even had a cup that was green, i wouldn't drink out of it. >> jimmy: you didn't like the color green? >> yeah. >> jimmy: come to think of it, you never really wear green. that's interesting. but you never had a hamburger with a pickle on it? >> no.

i never even had lettuce or tomato on a hamburger. >> jimmy: like -- what -- a tomato is red. >> true. >> jimmy: yeah. all right. [ laughter ] i barely graduated high school. yeah, i did real well. well, whenever you're ready, go ahead and try your first pickle. i'm very excited about this. i hope you like it, deetch. it's really, really good. oh, my god. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> i'm good. >> jimmy: what? >> i'm choking a little bit. that's good. >> jimmy: what does it taste like? >> vinegar and stuff. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: very good. there you go. ladies and gentlemen, give it up for a 29-year-old man trying a pickle for the first time. ♪ he looked like he was gonna throw up, man. >> steve: oh, he only had a salad -- >> jimmy: oh, my god. it taste like vinegar and stuff. >> steve: vinegar and stuff.

>> jimmy: yeah. this one's from tracy martin. "hey, jimmy, i love the show 'the walking dead.' but for just once i would like to see humans and zombies get along. can you have a zombie and a human slow dance on your show?" that's a great question, tracy. i would like to see that, too. so, ladies and gentlemen, here to perform a slow dance together, a human and a zombie. ♪ all right. you guys, welcome. are you guys ready to do this? >> yeah. >> [ groans ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. take it away. ♪ let me lift you up and down till you stay stop let me play with your body, baby ♪ ♪ make you real hot

let me do all the things you want me to do ♪ ♪ 'cause tonight, baby, i wanna get freaky with you ♪ >> jimmy: all right, there ya go. [ cheers and applause ] my goodness. thank you. oh, my, that's enough. that's enough. give it up for the zombie/human slow dance, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, so much. ♪ my god. that's commitment right there. that is commitment. fantastic. that was some good keith sweat right there, too, right? that's what i'm talking about, there. [ cheers and applause ] -- get freaky -- ♪ i wanna get freaky -- that could be a sequel to the book, man. part two come out. yeah. >> yes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's how keith sweat talks. yeah. that's even sexy.

this one is from darnyi budge. that's a weird name. [ laughter ] "jimmy, i recently saw this psychic and he was amazing. he correctly guessed the day, the month and year i was born. you should have a psychic come on your show and try to do that." you know, i happen to know a psychic. his name is "the great benito" and he's pretty amazing. let's bring him out. the great benito, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] what are you trying to -- >> ah. >> jimmy: welcome, welcome. >> thank you, thank you, joshua. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: now, you are going to guess the day, the month and the year that i was born. >> oh, yes. yes, and in order to do that, jeremiah, what i'm going to have to extract from you is this. three small pieces of information. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: why aren't you looking me in the eye when you talk to me? >> because my full-on gaze would make you shart yourself! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right.

so, you want three pieces of information from me? >> yes, yes. okay? so, i need your height. i need what you had for lunch. and i need the date of your birth. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: isn't that last part just giving it away? >> listen here, bunny rabbit -- [ light laughter ] don't poke your head too far into the snake hole, okay? you'll get an eyeball full of venom. >> jimmy: okay. [ laughter ] >> give me my answers! >> jimmy: okay. here. i am 6 feet tall. >> you were never 6 feet tall. >> jimmy: i am 6 feet tall. >> no, look. you come up barely to my solar plexus, right here. >> jimmy: i'm sitting down in a chair. >> what? what is this? oh, he's sitting behind that gadget. >> jimmy: gadget? >> what did you have for lunch? >> jimmy: i had a turkey wrap for lunch. >> well, that's strange. i'm smelling jagermeister and

corn waffles. [ laughter ] which is quite a coincidence because that's what i had. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: corn waffles. >> yes. >> jimmy: i was born on september 19th, 1974. >> okay. now ,i will take all of this random information and i will process it. now, i have to go into a brief trance. don't be alarmed. [ mumbling ] [ laughter ] i have it. september 19th, 1983. >> jimmy: no. >> what? >> jimmy: nope. >> september 19th, 1974. >> jimmy: that is correct. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> every single time! >> jimmy: the great benito, everyone. the great benito. >> thank you. now, if you don't mind -- if you

don't mind there, jeremiah, i have to drop off -- i have to drop off the kids at the pool. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's disgusting. get out of here. thank you, buddy. >> why is that disgusting? kids, let's go. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't know. [ cheers and applause ] >> yes, that's right. what were you thinking? were you thinking something dark? something perverse? you're a sick, sick person. you need medical help. now come on, kids. daddy has to poop. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what is wrong with him? ♪ >> steve: jagermeister and corn waffles. >> jimmy: this one is from paul harrigan. the last one, here. "jimmy, the oscars are coming up but i didn't see a lot of movies that are nominated. can you have someone catch me up on some of the films and instead of just saying it, could they rap it?" have someone perform a rap that

fills you in on some of the oscar-nominated films. let's see. tariq, do you think you can do that? >> yeah, i can probably put something together. >> jimmy: all right, very awesome. [ cheers and applause ] there you go, buddy. ♪ i'm hip hop like gazelles in the cango they say i'm so off the chain like "django" ♪ ♪ i'm on a mission like "argo" i'm not insane, though ♪ ♪ i pick my movie tickets up at fandango ♪ ♪ to see "les mis" with russell crowe and anne hathaway ♪ ♪ the "beasts of the southern wild" with quvenzhane ♪ ♪ i'm thinkin' one of the best was "lincoln," starring daniel-day ♪ ♪ but then again, the "life of pi" is definitely a candidate ♪ ♪ what's the movie where de niro hardly talk dirty? the "silver linings playbook" or "zero dark thirty"? ♪ ♪ even that chick flick "amour" is still award worthy the oscar is airing live i hit record early, jimmy ♪ >> jimmy: oh! [ cheers and applause ] tariq. tariq trotter, everyone. that was great. that was all the time we have for "audience suggestion box."

we'll right back with don cheadle, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ want to know what i did in the last five hours? i disproved the theory of relativity. i mastered origami while beating the record for hacky sack. found bigfoot. swam the english channel. and then i swam back. and then i took the dogs for a walk. how do i do all of this? 5-hour energy. hours of energy now with no crash later. andale! home of the meaty, melty mcdouble you love. and other amazing tastes for just a dollar each. every day, as always, there's a lot to love for a little on mcdonald's dollar menu. ♪ on mcdonald's dollar menu. hershey's drops.

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. welcome back, everybody. you know our first guest this evening from the "oceans 11" and "iron man" movies. he also just won a golden globe award for his work in "house of lies," which airs sundays at 10:00 p.m. on showtime. let's take a look at a clip. >> i would love to. i wish there were two of me. a lot of people do. but i made a promise to my son, so -- >> oh. i cannot tell you the number of

dance recitals and soccer games that i have missed over the years, and i still think i am a pretty good parent. >> i'm sure you do. >> you know what? i am confident that you are going to make the right decision. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: please welcome back to the show a great, great actor. here is don cheadle, everybody. ♪ >> jimmy: don, welcome back our the program, my friend. >> thank you -- glad to be here. glad to be here. >> jimmy: always happy to have

you here. >> thank you. >> jimmy: congrats on "house of lies." you won a golden globe award. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that was so fun. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i was there. >> yeah, you -- i think you were the reason i won. >> jimmy: i was the good luck charm. >> you're the good luck charm. >> jimmy: i gave you, like a friend hug -- like a man hug, before. >> and you gave me the bump. >> jimmy: i gave you a little butt hug. yeah, yeah, a little back -- yeah. i said, yeah, congratulations. >> i called security. >> jimmy: you did? they threw me out of there. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and then i got myself a way back in to present an award. >> yeah. that's great. >> jimmy: yeah. but how fun was that? >> it was a lot of fun. i mean, it's cool to -- to sit in that room with all those people. >> jimmy: it's fun, isn't it? >> yeah. it's fun, it's fun. and they have alcohol there, so you can't go wrong. >> jimmy: no, it really is like a -- but it's like -- its just -- there's movie and tv. >> yeah. it has everything. >> jimmy: the best of both worlds. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i thought that was such a fun night. >> yeah. kind of a different smell than you would imagine. you can't tell from tv, you know? >> jimmy: yeah. >> slop sweat and axe spray and -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, a lot of axe body spray. a lot of stars wear that. >> absolutely. >> jimmy: but that was big time, man. i was so happy. so, season two is coming up now. >> season two.

yeah. we just actually wrapped it a couple weeks ago. we're in the middle of it now. i think we're up to the fifth show. >> jimmy: people who haven't seen the show, can you explain what it's about. >> i play a head of a pod of management consultants who go into companies and kind of tell them how to do their jobs better and just basically try to extract a lot of money out of them. >> jimmy: yeah. and it's a great show. it's a fun show. a good cast. >> kristen bell. >> jimmy: kristen bell. >> jimmy: fantastic. we love her. [ cheers and applause ] >> josh lawson, ben schwartz, glynn turman. >> jimmy: the -- kristen bell, though. the last season -- you're not sure yet but you guys might have slept together. >> that may have happened. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: that's the cliffhanger. >> that's the cliffhanger. >> jimmy: what went down, though? >> well, we're not sure. i mean, the first episode back this season, you see us doing, you know -- she's in lingerie, we're in a hotel room and, you know, you think something is going to happen, and then, we're doing pushups and she throws up and i throw up and we pass out. so i don't know if that confirms

it or if it still keeps it up in the air. >> jimmy: you've got to ask keith sweat about that. i don't know what that means. [ laughter ] yeah, i don't know if that counts. that might not count. >> no. >> jimmy: but matt damon is going to be on this year. >> yes, matt damon was on actually a couple weeks ago, he was on the show. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: now, how did you get that? how did you get that? >> well, you know, matt's family and my family, you know, after the "ocean" stuff, we kinda became close, and we traveled together and do a lot of stuff. like, he's got four daughters. i have two daughters. a lot of estrogen going on, so they -- you know, we were at his house and my wife and his wife and the girls were all hanging out in the other room and he and i were getting drunk in the kitchen, which is what you do when the estrogen is over there. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you go in the kitchen. yeah, close the -- >> and start drinking. so, we just came up with an idea about him coming on the show and, you know, just letting people see the other side of matt damon. >> jimmy: he's playing, like a gross -- a gross version of matt damon. >> i say he's playing the true matt damon. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you came up with a funny guy, though.

this character. there's something wrong with him. >> very wrong with him. >> jimmy: he wants you guys -- he comes in as matt damon on the show but a creepy version. because he's one of the nicest dudes. >> yeah, he's the best. >> jimmy: but he comes on and he wants to? what does he want? >> he wants a charity, you know? he's tired of george clooney getting all of the attention. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. >> basically he just wants to come up with a charity that's about the same size as clooney's but, you know, with bigger tits. that's basically the -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's what he actually says. that is so gross that he would even say that. makes no sense. so, he comes up with "damon's children"? >> "damon's children," yeah. which you can actually go look up online. damon's children.org. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm not even sure what this charity is. >> we're still not sure what it is. i don't know if it's for water or, you know, for protecting child soldiers or -- >> jimmy: but, you have him walking with, like, african children. >> yeah, vaguely. we don't know. they could be haiti. >> jimmy: they could be haiti, yeah. >> they're dark children. in sandy places. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. what an -- and he's walking with them, through the village, like, tossing them a soccer ball. >> yeah. no, he's --

first, he's shooting an m-16 'cause you gotta do that when you have a charity, i guess. it's the most ridiculous thing. >> jimmy: and blood coming down the face. >> we should go on the website and check it out. >> jimmy: it's the silliest -- >> yeah, it's great. >> jimmy: the silliest thing and the fact that he would do that is great. and you guys came up with it. i want to show everyone a clip of matt damon and don cheadle in a clip from "house of lies." watch this. >> is little marty jealous of little matty? >> you know what? >> come on, be honest. >> you are the most arrogant, hypocritical [ bleep ] artist i've ever encountered, okay? and i deal in wholesale quantities of [ bleep ] on a daily basis. your pile of -- of quivering need and insecurity is only slightly outpaced by your in -- [ bleep ] -- ly insanely over bloated ego. it's unbelievable. >> all right, okay. i'm sorry. i spaced out for a second. what did you say? >> bye, matt. [ laughter ]

>> whoa, whoa, whoa you guys are leaving? >> yeah. >> hold on, hold on. >> you got that, right?. >> yeah. >> jimmy: what a great guy. [ cheers and applause ] congrats. couldn't happen to a nicer guy. congrats on your work, buddy. >> thank you, man. thank you, man. >> jimmy: see ya in "iron man." our thanks to don cheadle. watch "house of lies," sunday nights at 10:00 p.m., on showtime. the very funny john oliver joins us after the break. come on back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ lobsterfest is the king of all promotions. there's nothing like our grilled lobster and lobster tacos. the bar harbor bake is really worth trying. [ male announcer ] get more during red lobster's lobsterfest. with the year's largest selection of mouth-watering lobster entrees. like our delicious lobster lover's dream, featuring two kinds of succulent lobster tails. or our savory, new grilled maine lobster and lobster tacos. it's back, but not for long. [ woman ] our guests go crazy for lobsterfest. my favorite entree is the lobster lover's dream. what's yours? come celebrate lobsterfest and sea food differently.

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is an emmy-winning comedian best known for his very, very funny work as a correspondent on "the daily show with jon stewart." please welcome back to the show, john oliver, everybody! ♪ ♪ it's a daily operation daily operation ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very well, very good. very, very polite. john oliver, welcome back with your accent. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and you, looking fantastic.

>> yeah, that's right. that's not remotely offensive to a british person when you do that. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: sorry, i apologize. >> it's fine. >> jimmy: i wanna make you feel comfortable. >> it's fine. you're pronouncing words accurately. >> jimmy: i am. yeah. i'm trying. >> accurately. how they were designed to sound by the que. >> jimmy: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> when she invented the english language. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: she did invent that, yeah. >> it was her idea. >> jimmy: you read that off wikipedia. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you've got to stop doing that. you've been in the states almost seven years now. >> yeah, almost. nearly my seventh birthday. >> jimmy: so would you say that you're more of an american now? >> no, i'd say i'm still a british person because being british is like a disease. [ light laughter ] it's like, you know, if you're an alcoholic and you don't drink anymore you're still an alcoholic. i'm still british, i just don't live in britain anymore. >> jimmy: oh, i understand. >> and clearly, i could as a british person -- in my empire genes, you know, i've tried to give it up but i still could do terrible things. if i'm allowed around muskets or red coats in america, terrible things could happen. look out. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: look out. muskets, yeah. what would it take you to move back to england?

>> probably a personal invitation from the queen. >> jimmy: yeah, sure. that's nice. >> that or maybe if she offered me to be godfather of the new baby, who is the greatest baby -- the greatest baby in the history of humanity about to get born this year. [ laughter ] the golden child. >> jimmy: it is. are they billing it like it's the golden child? >> oh, yeah. we cannot be trusted with news like this. british people are emotionally repressed, we're like volcanoes, so we will express no emotion until royals get married or have children, and then everything will come out in one gulp. so we are going to go bat [ bleep ] crazy when this child is born. [ laughter ] the queen is going to deliver the baby herself from the balcony. >> jimmy: no, that's not true, again. >> and then present it "lion king" style. >> jimmy: "lion king" style? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] [ sings theme from "lion king" ] ♪ >> jimmy: kate middleton's baby is a giant big deal. >> seriously, it's incredibly exciting. and anything short of that baby bringing back the british empire is a colossal failure on that unborn child.

[ light laughter ] i've got to say you hosted the techcrunch.com awards show. >> i did. i hosted the crunchies. >> jimmy: the crunchies. >> which is an awards show for nerds. >> jimmy: i thought it was an award show about breakfast cereal. >> that would have been great. i'm not up for that kind of thing yet. i'm still tech. >> jimmy: are you into tech? are you into technology? >> i like it. i'm just suspicious of it, but i joined twitter for the first time last year. >> jimmy: congratulations, that's great. >> well, is it congratulations though? [ light laughter ] because it felt like a defeat when i did it. and i was wondering when i was about to send my first tweet, i was thinking, "why do i feel so reluctant to engage in this?" you know, it seems fun. people enjoy it, and then within seconds, actual seconds of sending my first tweet, i got a tweet back that said, "you're terrible. go eat a bag of [ bleep ]." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: seconds? >> seconds. it was the speed. it was the speed of it that shocked me. not the sentiment. i was expecting that. >> jimmy: absolutely. >> it was the speed. the human fingers could not have

typed that out in the speed in which it got to me. which made me think there was a guy just hovering over his computer for six years going, "he's gonna join, he's gonna feel he has to join, and when he does i will be here and he will know how i feel." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my god. >> yeah. >> jimmy: so you don't tweet much then? >> i don't tweet much, and also there's just -- there are things on the internet -- if the internet is gonna be our generation's legacy, we need to deal with what is on it. >> jimmy: yeah. >> no, library of congress is taking web pages now and putting them into the library of congress where they'll be forever. that should make you nervous. >> jimmy: yeah. >> think about the last five things you did online, three of them were probably fine, but -- but other two is the issue. now, there are things on the internet we need to just accept. like, there's this thing called slash fiction i found about recently. you know what slash fiction is? >> jimmy: no. >> do you know? okay. unfortunately, you're about to find out. [ light laughter ] and i can't apologize enough for this. slash fiction is, fans of

particular tv programs like "game of thrones" or "breaking bad," or "csi: miami," whatever you like, they like to write stories online -- >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> -- about what characters on those shows would be like if they were having sex with each other. >> jimmy: yeah. >> so it's pornographic fiction for fans of tv characters. >> jimmy: "fifty shades of grey" was based -- >> that kind of thing, and it doesn't matter. it's niche. they're just enjoying it in themselves. it's not in your face. >> jimmy: absolutely, sure. >> it's niche. it doesn't matter. it doesn't affect your life in anyway, does it? >> jimmy: no. >> does it? >> jimmy: no. >> does it? >> jimmy: no. >> does it? >> jimmy: no. >> does it? [ laughter ] until it does, jimmy. [ laughter ] because i'm here to tell you this evening that it turns out there is such a thing as "daily show" slash fiction. [ audience groans ] how do i know this? [ scattered cheers ] because i received an e-mail from a friend of mine in england with a web link in it, and a message that just read, "click on this and call me back immediately." [ laughter ] and i clicked on it, and i embarked upon the strangest 45 minutes of my life. page after page, story after

story of jon stewart and stephen colbert having sex with me. [ cheers and applause ] and they were beautifully written stories. i don't want you to get the wrong idea. they were quite narratively, beautifully intricately set up. >> jimmy: of course they are. >> it wasn't just sex, it was romance. "soft did fall the snow outside the ski lodge -- [ laughter ] inching up upon the ledge. lit from within by the roaring fire. around the roaring fire did sit jon stewart and stephen colbert -- >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> toasting marshmallows to enjoy later." >> jimmy: that's about enough. >> right. in walked -- in walked the butler, oh, who could that be, i wonder? [ laughter ] that's -- that's basically racist. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: why -- why's the british guy got to be a butler? >> exactly. and then basically the nastiness happens, and it's very difficult -- it's an odd situation to be reading this on your computer at work, and just

thinking, "when do i at least get to have a go?" >> jimmy: no, yeah. that's -- not, yeah. >> it's a strange situation. >> jimmy: i do want to show everyone how great you are in the actual, in real life, not fiction. >> yes. >> jimmy: of "the daily show," john oliver. and i'm sorry about that. >> it's okay, it's okay. >> jimmy: it was my first book i've ever written. [ laughter ] i gave it a shot. i gave it a shot. [ cheers and applause ] [ talking over each other ] i tried it. here's a clip of john oliver in "the daily show with jon stewart," take a look at this. >> jimmy: john oliver, everybody. "the daily show with jon stewart" airs monday through thursday nights at 11:00 p.m. on comedy central. go to iamjohnoliver.com for his standup dates, he's a very funny man. ke$ha performs next, come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ make it last forever and ever don't let our love end ♪ ♪ ♪

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is a music superstar whose new mtv series, "my crazy beautiful life," will premiere on april 23rd. she's here tonight to perform the song "c'mon" from her second album "warrior." please welcome back to our show ke$ha! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ saw you leaning against that old record machine saw the name of your band written on the marquee ♪ ♪ it's a full moon tonight so we getting rowdy yeah we getting rowdy g-g-getting rowdy ♪ ♪ feeling like i'm a high schooler sipping on a warm wine cooler hot 'cause the party ♪ ♪ don't stop i'm in a crop top like i'm working at hooters we been keeping it pg ♪ ♪ but i wanna get a little frisky come gimme some of that yum like a lollipop ♪ ♪ let me set you free ♪ c'mon 'cause i know what i like and you're looking just like my type ♪ ♪ let's go for it just for tonight c'mon, c'mon, c'mon now don't even try to deny ♪ ♪ we're both going home satisfied

let's go for it just for tonight ♪ ♪ c'mon, c'mon, c'mon ♪ write our names on the wall in the back of the bar steal some bubblegum ♪ ♪ from the corner mexi-mart yeah, we laughing like kids causin trouble in the dark causin trouble in the dark ♪ ♪ t-t-trouble in the dark feeling like a saber-toothed tiger sippin on a warm budweiser ♪ ♪ touch me and give me that rush better pack a toothbrush gonna pull an all-nighter ♪ ♪ we been keeping it kosher but i wanna get it on for sure ♪ ♪ come gimme some of that yum like a lollipop baby don't be scared ♪ ♪ c'mon 'cause i know what i like and you're looking just like my type ♪ ♪ let's go for it just for tonight c'mon, c'mon, c'mon ♪ ♪ now don't even try to deny we're both going home satisfied ♪

♪ let's go for it just for tonight c'mon, c'mon, c'mon ♪ ♪ ♪ i don't wanna go to sleep i wanna stay up all night i wanna just screw around ♪ ♪ i don't wanna think about what's gonna be after this i wanna just live right now c'mon ♪ ♪ 'cause i know what i like and you're looking just like my type ♪ ♪ let's go for it just for tonight c'mon, c'mon, c'mon ♪ ♪ now don't even try to deny we're both going home satisfied ♪ ♪ let's go for it just for tonight c'mon, c'mon, c'mon ♪

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: ke$ha! >> hi. >> jimmy: look for her new album "warrior." we'll be right back. oh, my goodness. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to don cheadle, john oliver, ke$ha! [ cheers and applause ] keith sweat!

[ cheers and applause ] and the greatest band in "late night," the roots, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "carson daly." thank you for watching. have a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ captions paid for by nbc-universal television captions by vitac www.vitac.com ♪ >> carson: and good evening, everybody. i'm carson daly. this is "last call." wesetup shop here at stk in west hollywood to bring you what we think is a fine program. in the music slot, soul gets a modern day facelift thanks to one of our favorite singer/songwriters zz ward. she will do her thing from the troubadour in just a bit. plus, vice-tv's eddie an