aid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh! that's a welcome. thank you so much. welcome, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] that's so nice. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. [ cheers and applause ] oh, very good. [ cheers and applause ] hot show tonight, gonna be fun. welcome, we're gonna have fun. we're gonna have fun tonight. everyone -- everyone is still talking about the oscars. that's all everyone is talking about. and get this, you guys. last night's show lasted about three hours and 40 minutes. [ scattered cheers ] even jennifer lawrence's dress was like "that's way too long." [ laughter ] did you see this? the entire cast of "les miserables" performed a song from the movie. [ laughter ] the entire cast of -- [ unintelligble french accent ]

[ laughter ] they performed a song from the movie. featuring russell crowe. or as the cast of "zero dark thirty" put it, now this is torture. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] too much. i said, i think this is too much. [ applause ] i was watching the oscars last night, and i was having fun. they were showing -- of course i didn't get invited. [ laughter ] and they were showing a lot of cutaways of different celebrities. and i realized that if you take a -- if you pause it and just take a freeze frame of someone's face at the right time, you can make it look like they're high. [ light laughter ] it works with anyone. let me show you what i'm talking about. there's daniel day-lewis right there. [ laughter ] then we have tommy lee jones. yeah, there you go. [ laughter ] you have hugh jackman. hey, buddy. [ laughter ] look at ben affleck. we have christoph waltz. and even george clooney.

hey, dude! [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] this is interesting, though. last night, for the first time in almost 20 years, there was a tie in one of the categories. it was for best sound editing, and the oscar went to both "zero dark thirty" and "skyfall." and i don't know if you saw this, but take a look at the two guys who won. [ laughter ] does that make any sense to you at all? i mean, look at these guys. very similar looking gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] hey, guys. who are you? >> well, we're the guys who won the oscars for best sound editing last night. >> yeah. we don't remember our names. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: are you guys upset that you tied? >> no. because we both had a lot of good sounds in our movies. >> yeah. our movies had sound so good. [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: how good were the sounds? >> we'll show you how good were the sounds. hit the music, fred! ♪ ♪ we're the sound editors and we come correct we might not look like you'd expect ♪ ♪ but please show us your full respect 'cause we're coming out now with full sound effects ♪ ♪ well i edited the sound for "skyfall" here are some sound effects so check 'em out, y'all ♪ [ gunshot ] [ whistle ] [ horn ] [ record scratching ] [ duck sound effect ] ♪ well maybe you heard it from a little birdie that i did the sound effects for zero dark thirty ♪ ♪ check 'em out [ horse whinnying ] [ boing ] [ clown horn ] >> yeah, baby! ♪ so stand up people get out of your chairs and wave your arms like you just don't care ♪ ♪ when you see us you'll stop and stare because we got long stringy flaccid hair ♪ [ boing ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: give it up for the sound editing guys who tied at

the oscars! [ cheers and applause ] congratulations. congratulations. all right. all right. take care, guys. take care, guys. congratulations. [ light laughter ] all right. all right. all right. thank you, very -- [ cheers and applause ] that's unbelievable. hey, guys, here's some celebrity news. mel b from the spice girls is replacing sharon osbourne as a judge on "america's got talent." or as the pope put it, "there goes my plan 'a.'" [ laughter ] check this out, last week, taylor swift attended the same awards ceremony as her ex-boyfriend, harry styles. which raises the question, where isn't she going to run into one of her exes? "wow, my first trip to outer space. oh, hi, e.t." [ laughter ] and finally, the company that owns olive garden announced that

its revenue has dropped 5% in the last quarter. which explains their new promotion, limited bread sticks. [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: les miserables, les miserables. we have a big show tonight. awesome, fun people on the show tonight. from "the good wife," the very talented alan cumming is back on the show! [ cheers and applause ] plus, he's the greatest olympian of all time. and now he has a new show on the golf channel of all things. yeah, he's gonna talk about that. michael phelps is here, y'all. >> steve: oh, dog paddle? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: she is one of the most beautiful women in the world. i mean, people -- all the writers passed out in the hallway. [ males cheer ]

this is our dorky writers out there just like -- [ laughter ] she is just gorgeous and so nice. she is on the cover of this year's "sports illustrated" swimsuit issue. kate upton is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: dog paddle. breast stroke! dog paddle. breast stroke. dog paddle. dog paddle. dog paddle. >> jimmy: and we have music from unknown mortal orchestra! oh! u-m-o. >> steve: u-m-o! >> jimmy: it's gonna be a fun show. it's gonna be super, super good times. hey guys, raise your hand if you're either a man or a woman. [ cheers ] me too. thank you, me too. [ light laughter ] couple of you had to think out there. one thing i've really noticed lately is that men and women are totally different. they almost never see eye to eye. in fact, sometimes they can be in the exact same situation and be thinking two totally different things. what kinds of things are men and women thinking? let's find out together in a

segment we call "he said, she said." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: now -- you guys might not realize this, but i have a real knack for telling what's on peoples minds. i don't like to brag about it, but i'm kind of psychic that way. like for example, take a look at this. here we see a man and woman taking a stroll along the water. she's pointing off into the distance. and i can tell just by looking at this man that he's thinking, "i wonder why all those people are laughing." [ light laughter ] the woman's thinking something very different. she's thinking, "because i'm way out of your league." [ laughter ] we got two people, two very different viewpoints. here's another example. an older couple standing at the front of a ship sharing an embrace. i can tell she's thinking, "let's recreate that scene from 'titanic.'" and he's thinking, "great, i'll go get my sketchbook." [ laughter ] i think he's thinking of a different scene. >> steve: a different scene. >> jimmy: different scene. yeah. >> steve: he was thinking the other one. >> jimmy: different scene in the movie, yeah. >> steve: exactly. >> jimmy: let's keep going here. aw, this looks romantic.

it's a guy and girl on a date eating lunch in a field of flowers. he's thinking, "when i look into your eyes, i see perfection." and she's thinking, "when i look into your eyes, i see teeth." [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] >> steve: that's what she's thinking. >> jimmy: yeah. here's another one here. young couple enjoying a date night at home. he's thinking, "i can't believe she ordered two pizzas." and she's thinking, "i can't believe he ordered ten of those shirts from ann taylor loft." [ laughter and applause ] nothing wrong with a guy with a scoop neck, man. >> steve: no. yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're gonna want that scoop neck, man. >> steve: yeah. you gotta love that scoop neck. >> jimmy: yeah, you put necklaces on or something like that. >> steve: stylish. >> jimmy: maybe a little ascot or something. >> steve: yeah, ascots. a beret maybe? a fedora on the last guy. >> jimmy: beret perhaps, yeah. >> steve: from the tooth guy. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: look at this one. this is a lady handing over car keys to a guy at the dealership. he's thinking, "ladies love a man with a cool set of wheels." and she's thinking, "here's the

keys to your '86 toyota tercel." [ laughter ] classic set of wheels. if it gets you from point "a" to point "b," what's the problem? you know what i'm saying? [ applause ] >> steve: yeah, different thoughts. >> jimmy: yeah, thank you. look at this. see a couple spending some time. [ light laughter ] he seems to be wearing a hat made out of leaves. she's thinking, "i'm the luckiest girl in the world." and he's thinking, "i'm obrontin, king of the tree people." [ laughter ] >> steve: you're good. >> jimmy: yeah. i can see that type of stuff. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: here's another one here. here's a couple laughing during a pillow fight. she's thinking, "i wore my sexiest outfit for this date?" and he's thinking, "i wore my super cute v-neck sweater with a hood, my tattered calvin kleins, and a spritz of my fave jasmine perfume. wait, does she think i'm straight?" [ laughter ] it happens. >> steve: it happens. [ applause ] happens a lot. >> jimmy: it happens. here's the last one here.

it's newlyweds on their wedding night. she's thinking, "everything about this night is perfect." and he's thinking, "except my haircut." there you go, that's all the "he said, she said" we have time for. stick around, we'll be right back with "cell phone shootout." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ female announcer ] she did a full day at the office, went home and fed her family. now she's helping her community. no wonder it's hard to focus on her own needs.

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>> jimmy: welcome back, everyone. thank you for watching. everybody, we love gadgets on this show, and we love games. that's why it's time once again for "cell phone shootout." [ wolf howling ] [ phone dialing ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: here's how the game works. we invite three members of the audience down here with their cell phone cameras. then a bunch of images are going to flash by on the sharp 108, really fast. six images a second. and each contestant will snap a picture with their cell phone as the images go by. whatever you take a picture of, well, that's what you win. let's see what kind of prizes they're playing for. higgins? >> steve: well, jimmy, today we have a pair of bird-flipping mittens. [ laughter ] >> steve: a real sweatshirt from a fake college, a luxurious flesh-toned ball sack, a human-sized picnic -- basket. and of course, the call of the wolf-waker. ♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: for centuries, the wolf-waker has journeyed in solitude thousands of light

years from the lush bosom of the wolf planet. [ laughter ] he was the krylon-4 star system's -- lll most gifted warrior, yet his nights were spent alone huddled in his starship upon a meager buckwheat cushion. harmonic spear at his side. and each new dawn as he woke from restless slumber to the blinding haze of a white-hot intergalactic sun, he would raise his face to the heavens and wonder. will i ever know love? and so it was that one day a beautiful she-wolf appeared to him, thousands of years his junior, with a delicate snout and a coat so supple, it set the very ions of the wolf-waker's synthetic consciousness ablaze. for seven blissful harvests she shared his buckwheat cushion, and the wolf-waker at last knew peace in his loins. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]

but he knew also that his destiny lay elsewhere. that he must travel onward without her, ever onward, a scorching pillar of fusion flame. deeper and further amongst the distant stars. defending the wolves against sentient hyper-robotic overlords and waking them when they slept. higgins, who do we have playing tonight? >> steve: tonight's contestants are, mike mccourt, aromo orleans lindsay, and paul mesciano. get your cell phones cocked and ready and get ready to get down and play "cell phone shootout!" ♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: welcome, you guys. welcome. hey, there, what is your name and where are you from? >> my name's mike from san francisco. >> jimmy: welcome, mike from san francisco. [ cheers and applause ] we love san fran. what prize you got your eye on there? >> i guess i like that sweater up there.

that sweatshirt's looking pretty good. >> jimmy: yeah, it's a pretty -- real sweatshirt, fake university. okay. hey, what's your name, where are from? >> my name's aromo orleans lindsay, and i'm from maryland. >> jimmy: okay -- very good. now, welcome to the show. we love maryland as well. you know michael phelps is from baltimore, right? >> i was born in baltimore. >> jimmy: oh, really? well, here you go then. you're going to just go nuts when he comes out. what prize are you playing for? >> umm -- the ball sack, i think. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: higgins -- higgins, don't -- you don't have to touch the ball sack. it can hold a whole lot of athletic balls. [ light laughter ] what is your name and where are you from? >> paul mesciano. >> jimmy: paul mesciano, where are you from, paul? >> i'm in connecticut now, from florida. >> jimmy: you're in connecticut from -- through florida. wwe love both of thos areas. what are you looking for here? >> i'm thinking the shake weight. >> jimmy: oh, the brass shake weight there. solid brass shake weight worth a lot of money. yeah, that's gonna be -- it's very classy. >> i'm down. >> jimmy: all right, here we go, everybody.

everyone turn around, face the sharp 108. get your cell phones ready, and turn your cameras on, but don't take the picture until i tell you to. okay? all right. i will give you the signal. let's start the loop! [ musical beeping ] wait for my command. wait for it. wait for it. wait! wait! ready -- aim -- shoot! stop the loop! all right, player number one. let's see what prize you won. oh! it's a portrait of a very nice family. >> steve: ooh. ♪ you've won a beautiful frame -- portrait of someone else's family. it's the carvin family from little rock, arkansas. sean, linda and their two beautiful children, roger and buschey-kay-kay. they're not your real family, but now, their elegant family portrait is all yours. jimmy? >> jimmy: that's right. beautiful family. [ cheers and applause ] beautiful family. congratulations. all right. my friend, you won --

[ gasps ] the brass shake weight. [ cheers ] >> steve: you've won a solid brass shake weight. look and feel like a rich person as you shake, shake, shake your way to giant, jacked up arms. it's a solid brass shake weight. jimmy! >> jimmy: thank you so much, higgins. congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] congratulations. let's see what it all comes down to right here. oh, man. you got the oversized picnic basket. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: oh! you've won a human-sized picnic basket. this basket is big enough to fit a full-grown human and gaston poupon, of the poupon fortune, has been sitting inside for the last six hours waiting to take you on a picnic. enjoy wine, cheese and gaston poupon's sparkling company. whether you invited him or not, it's a human-sized picnic basket. jimmy? >> jimmy: fantastic. congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] gaston poupon comes with it as well. you guys, there's one more special thing.

as a special bonus prize for all of our contestants, let's all join hands and experience the call of the wolf-waker. come on, everybody. take your neighbor's hand. be very still. ♪ [ whistling howl ] [ laughter ] [ whistling howl ] [ whistling tone ] [ laughter ] [ whistling howl ] [ wolf howl ] [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: that is it for "cell phone shootout." we'll be right back with alan cumming, everybody! come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ lily...she pretty much lives in her favorite princess dress.

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: everybody, welcome back. thank you for watching. we are joined right now by a tony award-winning actor who will be back on broadway soon in his one-man show of "macbeth." in the meantime, you can see him sunday evenings at 9:00 p.m. in the hit cbs show "the good wife." please welcome back to the show, a really good actor, here's alan cumming, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about. the very talented, the very charming alan cumming. you look sharp, my man. >> thanks so much. >> jimmy: looking nice. i like that tweed. >> english country gentleman. >> jimmy: yeah, you look -- you are. yeah, very, very nice. you got to be exhausted. this thing, i mean explain the success. >> i know, it's so crazy. >> jimmy: i mean, this is a one-man show of "macbeth." >> i know. >> jimmy: your nose is bleeding in the photo and everything. [ light laughter ] you got roughed up during the photo shoot? >> when we did the photo shoot for this, because this was last summer, that's how i know how scary it is. but when i did the photo shoot, it was this great photographer called albert watson. >> jimmy: oh, i love albert watson. >> genius. it was such honor to be shot by him. i went to the loo to got all the makeup off. and it's quite intense. i was crying and things. and i came out and saw it. they'd mocked it up on the computer. and i got scared. like, i scared myself. >> jimmy: yeah, it looks like you're looking at your corpse or something.

>> i know, i know. and whole thing is terrifying. i don't know what on earth possessed me to agree do this. >> jimmy: you did this in scotland, yes? >> i did it at the national theater of scotland. [ with scottish accent ] >> jimmy: absolutely! [ laughter ] get to the theater! >> that's right. [ with scottish accent ] >> jimmy: the good people there. >> right, plays by shakespeare. [ with scottish accent ] >> jimmy: yes. kilt or no kilt. >> that's right. there was no kilt. >> jimmy: no kilts involved. pantless. >> it's a -- actually. but i did it in scotland then we did it at the lincoln center festival here for a couple weeks. >> jimmy: your mother came to the show in scotland. she was very concerned. >> my mom -- okay. so i had my mom. she knows john, the director. the director of it. one of the directors is andy. and i heard it because the dressing rooms didn't have walls all the way up. so i heard her saying to john and andy, "oh, it's fantastic. i'm so proud. you've got beautiful work." la la la. she came into my dressing room, i turn around and she went, "you're too thin. and don't have a nervous breakdown." [ laughter ] that's what my mom said. >> jimmy: did you go, oh no. >> did you enjoy the show? >> jimmy: thanks for coming,

mom. >> i know and she just was -- i told her i was in it again. and she went, "oh, don't." >> jimmy: really. >> yeah, my mom doesn't want me to -- >> jimmy: then why? >> it's very -- >> jimmy: intense. >> it's super intense. i play a patient who comes to a psychiatric unit. and he's sort of -- his thing that he does -- that's why he does "macbeth." and it's sort his story of why he's come there. kind of fuses with the story of "macbeth." and he screams -- the cctv screens. that are sort of scary supernatural things happen. it's physically the most challenging, crazy thing i've ever done. and i actually thought i was going to die. it sounds like something you would say, but i actually thought i was going to die once. >> jimmy: really? >> last summer. yeah. >> jimmy: why? >> because i wasn't -- physically i wasn't sure if i was going to be able to do it. i thought i was going to die. >> jimmy: draining. >> yeah, and there's a bit where you actually do think i've died, like for real. i won't spoil it, but there's a really scary bit. and in glasgow, the audience was like this. and in the stage -- they went -- audience like this. the first row of the audience is on the same level as me. and i'm in a bath at one point. and i could feel, even though i was underwater, i could feel the audience wanting to run up and

grab me out of it. because they actually feel for me as alan. they think i'm going to be harmed. >> jimmy: we don't want you harmed at all. were you holding your breath? a trick. >> it's a houdini-esque moment. >> jimmy: oh. >> but it's scary, though. and then also, oh, i forgot what i was going to say. >> jimmy: oh, that's all right. [ laughter ] is your memory getting affected by this play? it might have been. i'm nervous. i want to go see you in this but i'm afraid i like you too much. >> oh, i know what i was going to say. i actually -- you know, yesterday i saw -- i opened "the new york times" and there was a big full page ad. and i immediately rushed upstairs and started going over my lines. >> jimmy: because it's happening. >> because it's actually happening. you have to do it. when you see the ad. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that means it's actually happening. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i have to -- because you won the tony for "cabaret." has anyone seen this performance? [ cheers ] one of the best things ever. [ applause ] electronic cigarette.

>> that's right, electronic. >> jimmy: and you got to meet liza minnelli. >> of course. legend. >> jimmy: that's the legend. we've had her on the show once. and she said, "can i sing a song?" she came on and i said, "of course. you're liza minnelli. please." i gave her the mic. she goes, "no, i don't want to go sing over there, i want to sing into your eyes." i was like, "okay." and she put me in a trance. >> did she really? [ laughter ] a liza trance. >> jimmy: it was dangerous. people feared for my life. [ laughter ] i didn't know it, but she's magical. >> i love that. i doing two concerts with her in march. >> jimmy: i just saw that. march 13th and 14th at town hall. >> town hall in new york. yeah. it's called -- it's hilarious that it's called "liza and alan: one night only." and now, we're doing two nights. >> jimmy: for two nights. yeah, you're doing it for two nights. that's great. >> but we did it last summer in fire island. me and liza. like, it was the gayest thing ever. [ laughter ] it really was. >> jimmy: fire island. must be going crazy. >> fire island is like the gayest location ever. it was me, there's liza. >> jimmy: you and liza minnelli. people were like --

riots in the street. >> yeah, it was like a gay overload. [ laughter ] it was like the epicenter of tectonic gay plates were coming together. [ laughter ] but it was really fun. and so that's why we -- and you know what? it was the hottest night of the summer. it was boiling, boiling, boiling. and it was so, so hot. and there was a -- we're in this place called the ice palace, and they have one of those fridges you walk in, you know, where they keep the beer? >> jimmy: yeah. >> and so that was the only cool place. so it was me and liza and there was a burlesque boy lying on the floor. he was a semi-naked boy lying on the floor and me and liza. so i had to buy all this beer and she's smoking inside a fridge. >> jimmy: and you go, am i in heaven? i might have just died and gone to heaven. >> yeah, showbiz. >> jimmy: you're fantastic in "the good wife." i always say that every time you come on the show, but you are fantastic. [ cheers and applause ] eli gold, very tricky character. very well written character. very well acted character. >> thanks. having a hard time though right now, old eli. >> jimmy: well, there's a lot of stuff going on with him.

>> yes. he's having a dark night of the soul. sort of eugene o'neil-esque for eli. >> jimmy: it is. how's the rest of the cast? how's everyone doing? julianna? >> oh, they're horrible. she's awful. awful. >> jimmy: awful. and josh charles? >> god, i hate josh charles. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you got to tell him i say hi, please. >> i saw him the other night. he actually said he'd be on. and he did the thing with the ravens man. >> jimmy: oh yeah, he loves the ravens. >> he's obsessed with -- >> jimmy: baltimore. >> baltimore. and why not? they won the thing didn't they? >> jimmy: then they won the super bowl, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] absolutely. they won the thing, yeah. here you go. we have a clip of the great alan cumming in his hit show "the good wife." check this out. >> you're challenging me. i'm trying to run a campaign. eli, you have been too distracted. >> i have to make decisions. >> you're number two. >> no. not anymore. >> nora, get peter on the phone! >> that's right, eli. you call him. but here's what's going to happen. it's going to take him ten minutes to get back to you. then 20 minutes. then a day.

he's in a meeting, he's in with the press, he's busy. he won't confront you. but you will know what it means. peter doesn't need you anymore. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh! our thanks to alan cumming. watch him in "the good wife" sundays at 9:00 p.m. go check out "macbeth." [ cheers and applause ] michael phelps joins us after the break. stick around, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ lobsterfest is the king of all promotions. there's nothing like our grilled lobster and lobster tacos. the bar harbor bake is really worth trying. [ male announcer ] get more during red lobster's lobsterfest. with the year's largest selection of mouth-watering lobster entrees. like our delicious lobster lover's dream, featuring two kinds of succulent lobster tails. or our savory, new grilled maine lobster and lobster tacos. it's back, but not for long. [ woman ] our guests go crazy for lobsterfest. my favorite entree is the lobster lover's dream. what's yours? come celebrate lobsterfest and sea food differently.

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: as a swimmer, our next guest is the most decorated olympic athlete of all time. including a record-setting 18 gold medals. [ cheers and applause ] got to love this guy. now you can see him tackling a new sport on the golf channel's "the haney project," which airs mondays at 9:00 p.m. please welcome michael phelps, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: the one and only!

the one and only. now, you are mad at me. you're upset with me. i can tell. >> yes. last time we were on here, you wanted me to get silvers. >> jimmy: yeah that's correct, and you did. >> that's messed up, though. >> jimmy: what are you talking about? you came on and you were -- >> i don't want to be the first loser. >> jimmy: no, you're not. mike, look. you already won gold. >> doesn't matter. >> jimmy: and you already won bronze. you had no silver. [ laughter ] if you're going to do it, you got to have at least one silver. >> i got two. >> jimmy: you can loan me one if you want to. [ laughter ] one day you'll be walking around with your kid, daddy had a few extra whiskies or something and you'll be like, won a silver medal here. this one's the specialest one. i don't know why you talk like bill cosby when you're older. [ laughter ] [ impersonating bill cosby ] this one is the one that theo wanted to win, and then he did win when he got the medal on the shelf. [ cheers and applause ]

that would be the one -- those will be special. they'll be two shiny silver spheres that you will find very special in your life. >> all right. i'll remember it. >> jimmy: congratulations on that. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: we didn't get to hang out in london. you didn't return any of my phone calls. [ laughter ] i appreciate that. tell me what's going on now. you're golfing now. you always golfed. >> yeah. well, i was. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and then i found myself in, like, 2010 -- like, 2009, 2010, that i was probably spending too much time on the golf course and needed to get back in the pool. >> jimmy: yeah. i think so. you're representing the united states, so yeah. >> i just decided to stop playing golf for a little. and just got back into it. traveling the world. playing golf. >> jimmy: i mean, you're retired now, right? what are you, 25 or something? >> 27. >> jimmy: 27 and retired. >> retired. >> jimmy: what a loser. [ laughter ] get a job! but how fun is that? >> it's awesome. >> jimmy: you're retired. so now you're golfing.

hank haney is a genius. he's the one that taught tiger. he honed tiger woods' swing. >> it was -- he took me from -- i was shooting 100 to 110. and i shot the lowest round of my life this past week. i broke 80. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. >> with five three putts, though. i was pretty bad. so i'm like, i have a bad. >> jimmy: three putts is a good thing for me. >> no, three putts are bad. we don't want three putts. >> jimmy: i go usually five putts. [ laughter ] yeah. people love to golf. i haven't golfed in a long time since we started the show. but people love golfing with me because i play by the rules, i'm very fast and i'm awful. [ laughter ] >> how many balls? >> jimmy: so you will beat me. >> how many balls do you think you lose in a round then? >> jimmy: i go by the case. [ laughter ] i don't even go by the ball. i go, no, just empty it please. give me one of the driving range buckets. [ laughter ] i take them with me. but this, he this helps your game? >> tremendously. i literally have been able to go from china, scotland.

>> jimmy: where's the coolest place you went? st. andrews? >> you have to say st. andrews. just because the history of the course over there and how many people have walked that course. and it's the birthplace. it's literally -- it's so -- that course was brutally hard. >> jimmy: everyone's talking like alan cumming over there. they're like -- [ with scottish accent ] st. andrews. don't get it in the bunker. [ laughter ] so you did something that i can't even believe that you did. >> i can't even believe it either. >> jimmy: this is -- 'cause you're amazing. but this is the longest putt ever recorded on television that goes in the hole. how long was it? >> 159 feet. >> jimmy: 160 feet. 159 foot putt. did you know at all what you were doing? or not really? >> i just wanted to lag it over the hill and have it sort of fall close to the hole. >> jimmy: that's how i play. yeah, yeah, yeah. >> it just kept going. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: get close to the hole, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> everyone's joking that i can retire now that i've broken another record in a different

sport, so. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: well, the olympics -- golf is coming to the olympics in 2016. >> i won't be ready by then. >> jimmy: come on. >> maybe in '20. maybe in '20. >> jimmy: for a silver? [ laughter ] think about it buddy. you don't want to get a gold. at this point, you can get bronze. start off with bronze. we have a clip of this amazing putt. you guys want to see this? >> it is so cool. >> audience: yeah! >> jimmy: here's michael phelps sinking the longest putt ever televised. >> medals in the olympics and any other -- >> still going. >> jimmy: i mean, what? >> still going. [ light laughter ] still going. >> jimmy: this looks fake! >> still going. >> jimmy: this is fake! [ laughter ] this is fake! what is going on? oh my god! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ oh, man! congrats, buddy. come back wherever you want. michael phelps, "the haney project" mondays, 9:00 p.m. on the golf channel. kate upton joins us next. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪

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believe i'm just glitz and glam when i'm so much more. i'm downtown and ocean front. my nights are just as busy as my days. the arts are my passion. food my obsession. and when you finally think you know me. you'll realize, there's still so much more to discover. los angeles. endlessly entertaining. plan your getaway at discoverlosangeles.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is a supermodel with her second

consecutive "sports illustrated" swimsuit cover. ooh-la-la. [ scattered cheers ] ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the show the beautiful, the lovely, kate upton. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: congratulations. look how gorgeous you are there. oh, my goodness. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and that is -- that is -- this is an honor. second time in a row? >> it's amazing. i think it's better than the first year, because i actually know what's happening, i'm prepared. >> jimmy: you know how to enjoy it more. >> exactly. >> jimmy: last time -- but this is -- how many models have done this? not that many. a handful. >> no, i think just five. >> jimmy: five only. yeah. you're on a short list of legends. >> i know. >> jimmy: has anyone ever done three? >> i think one person did it. >> jimmy: me. [ laughter ] but i'll let you do three. >> oh, thank you. >> jimmy: yeah, you're going to

do it, yeah. >> and i'll give it back to you and you can have four covers. >> jimmy: i could do the fourth one. yeah, exactly. >> we'll trade off. >> jimmy: who did three? >> elle macpherson. >> jimmy: oh, she's very beautiful. >> yeah. >> jimmy: she's a legend. >> she did five total, actually. but she did three in a row, i think. >> jimmy: oh, did she really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's uber -- that's -- this is not a green screen, you're really in antarctica? where are you? >> yes, antarctica. >> jimmy: you really are there? >> i promise, i'm there. i promise i was there. >> jimmy: oh, come on. it's a green screen -- oh, my goodness. i don't know what -- we can show this. can we show this? >> you can show everything. >> jimmy: we can show everything. all right, we should show this. this is you and some penguins here. >> some penguins -- it was -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i mean, you really are in antarctica. >> yeah -- >> jimmy: but why didn't you just say "no?" -- "dude, i'm kate upton, we're doing this in a hotel." >> like a hotel. exactly. same page. with like a heater and -- >> jimmy: yeah, green screen, you can put me in front of wherever you want to put me. >> yeah, maybe next year. >> jimmy: put me in iraq. >> well, no -- >> jimmy: why, you can do it, i mean, the green screen -- >> in iraq? >> jimmy: space.

>> space? [ gasps ] >> jimmy: space. [ light laughter ] >> next year. >> jimmy: think about this. >> next year, i see it. >> jimmy: think about this, there's no gravity -- >> it's incredible. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: no, no, no. hey, hey, hey. whoa, whoa, whoa. no, no, no, no. i didn't mean that! i meant -- no! i'm now thinking of you free falling. [ cheers and applause ] >> it's getting warmer. [ cheers and applause ] [ sexy music plays ] >> jimmy: my wife is going to kill me. [ laughter ] i'm thinking of the possibilities of the photoshoot. >> yeah, right, right, right. just the beauty of space. >> jimmy: and the fun of it all. that could be the next -- that could be the next move. >> right. >> jimmy: but you never know about this stuff, right? -- did you know -- like, when did you know you were going to be on the cover? >> actually, someone tweeted it to me. so, i was -- >> jimmy: what!? >> i'm always last to know. >> jimmy: isn't that weird? >> yeah. >> jimmy: so, that's how you find out? >> well, no. someone leaked it.

>> jimmy: oh, they did? were they fired? they were since fired. >> i don't know. >> jimmy: fact. they're unemployed. but -- do you know -- does your agent or someone go like, "we got the cover again!" and then you do it and you keep it secret? >> no. >> jimmy: they just take photos of everyone and then you don't know who's going to be on the cover. >> yeah, i guess. i guess they don't trust me. [ gasps ] >> jimmy: unbelievable. >> so rude. >> jimmy: this is so rude. absolutely. well, i think you're going to be on the third cover. i almost know for a fact. i mean, if they're smart. >> did they tell you? >> jimmy: i just tweeted it just now. [ laughter ] but i mean, if it's anything like these two right here, then "sports illustrated" knows what they're doing. i mean, look at this. you're just gorgeous. >> thank you. >> jimmy: we're so -- [ cheers and applause ] -- happy for you. >> thank you. >> jimmy: couldn't happen to a nicer girl. thank you so much. >> thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: kate upton, 2013 "sports illustrated" swimsuit issue's available at newsstands now. unknown mortal orchestra performs next, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ crickets chirping ]

[ traffic passing ] ♪ [ music box: lullaby ] [ man on tv, indistinct ] ♪ [ lullaby continues ] [ baby coos ] [ man announcing ] millions are still exposed to the dangers... of secondhand smoke... and some of them can't do anything about it. ♪ [ continues ] [ gasping ]

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guests are making their tv debut with us tonight to perform the song "so good at being in trouble," from their new album "ii." please welcome unknown mortal orchestra! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ now that you're gone it's been a long lonely time ♪ ♪ it's a long sad, lonely time ♪

♪ rolling along i'm in a strange state of mind ♪ ♪ it's a strange old state of mind ♪ ♪ memories, they mess with my mind who am i to deny? ♪ ♪ she was so good at being in trouble so good at being in trouble ♪ ♪ so good at being in trouble so bad at being in love ♪ ♪

♪ now that you're gone it's been a long lonely time ♪ ♪ it's a long sad, lonely time ♪ ♪ rolling along i'm in a strange state of mind ♪ ♪ it's a strange old state of mind ♪ ♪ memories, they mess with my mind who am i to deny? ♪ ♪ she was so good

at being in trouble so good at being in trouble ♪ ♪ so good at being in trouble so good at being in trouble ♪ ♪ so good at being in trouble so good at being in trouble ♪ ♪ so good at being in trouble so bad at being in love ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey! unknown mortal orchestra! check out their new album, "ii!" my thanks to alan cumming, michael phelps, kate upton, unknown mortal orchestra! [ cheers and applause ] and the greatest band in late night, the roots right there, everybody. stay tuned for carson daly.

thank you for watching. have a great night. hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ captions paid for by nbc-universal television captions by vitac www.vitac.com ♪ >> carson: tonight on "last call" we travel to beso in hollywood to bring you the very best in late night tv. i am your host carson daly. thank you for being here. coming up tonight we shine our light on a craft and trade that has been around since the days of the old testament. master blacksmith tony swatton is in our spotlight. plus, we make a stop to the el rey for the sounds of new jersey punk, titus andronicus is tonight's featured music. but first, andrew jenks is a 26-year-old documentary filmmaker who spent a year in the life of three extraordinary young people as they confronted issues ranging from gun control to autism to cancer. it's d