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Feb 27, 2013
02/13
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and then we have a nation buster which is going to come grazing past the earth and may even hit the earth. that's called the asteroid apofet. it's ten times bigger than the asteroid that scimed the earth last week. >> stephen: what do you mean may hit? what is the -- do the math. [ laughter ] what is the math on that one? >> well, first it's going to skim by the earth in 2029 and it's going to graze the atmosphere. that's the question mark. we don't know how much friction it's going to encounter. that cannot be factored relyibly. when it grazes the atmosphere on the second pass in 2036 there's a window of opportunity where the thing could actually hit the earth even though it's still very small. >> stephen: because of the friction it encounters on 2029. >> that's right in the second pass. >> stephen: can we lubricate the earth in some way so there's not so much friction? [cheers and applause] and just duz -- [cheers and applause] >> the russians have taken this seriously. >> stephen: of course, they would. they almost got tagged. >> they said we have to maintain serious propals. maybe in
and then we have a nation buster which is going to come grazing past the earth and may even hit the earth. that's called the asteroid apofet. it's ten times bigger than the asteroid that scimed the earth last week. >> stephen: what do you mean may hit? what is the -- do the math. [ laughter ] what is the math on that one? >> well, first it's going to skim by the earth in 2029 and it's going to graze the atmosphere. that's the question mark. we don't know how much friction it's going...
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Feb 12, 2013
02/13
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we could have an entire month with no infallible person on earth. there's no rules. it's like a catholic free for all, passion out pez disspencers full of birth control, using the lord's name in vein, it's like being a presbyterian. [ laughter ] who is on deck? who is the next pope? >> who is the next pope? >> who comes next, we don't know. >> i love doing this, by the way, it's more fun than anything i've done lately. it's a horse race. >> stephen: yes, it's a horse race, thank you, chris. the rock on whom jesus built his church, yeah, basically the same as the iowa straw polls. [ laughter ] i could go for some mashed potatoes. [laughter] who is it going to be? who is going tow about the next pope? for more let's head open to the papal speculatron 7500. [cheers and applause] welcome. welcome to the papal speculatro where we take you down to paradise city, where the smoke is white and girls are not permitted. let's look where you find catholics in the world. this area. [laughter] now, the early favorite is the archbishop of milan angelo scola until john paul ii itali
we could have an entire month with no infallible person on earth. there's no rules. it's like a catholic free for all, passion out pez disspencers full of birth control, using the lord's name in vein, it's like being a presbyterian. [ laughter ] who is on deck? who is the next pope? >> who is the next pope? >> who comes next, we don't know. >> i love doing this, by the way, it's more fun than anything i've done lately. it's a horse race. >> stephen: yes, it's a horse...
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Feb 14, 2013
02/13
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. >> tonight, let's declare that in the wealthiest nation on earth, no one who works full time should have to live in poverty and raise the federal minimum wage to $9 an hour. >> >> stephen: $9? that is almost two feet of sandwich. where does it end? where did it end? a living wage spoils the working man. just ask c.e.o. and fox news resident smeagol robert luddy. jim? >> i worked for $85 cents an hour when i was in high school and i was happy to have that job. >> stephen: that's what i'm talking. america has gone soft. if everyone is living the fantasy life of cold and heat they'll have no drive. it's that suffering that lifts people up to start their own business and one day become a job creator like mr. luddy who lobbies to fight against raising the minimum wage because he was so (bleep) poor he had to fight off rats with a spat la. who is infected with rabies. yes, you are. [ laughter ] besides, president if i dfide -- fidel handout here said nothing about raising the maximum wage. for as long as i can remember earning more than i can ever need but folks can i imagine even more. [
. >> tonight, let's declare that in the wealthiest nation on earth, no one who works full time should have to live in poverty and raise the federal minimum wage to $9 an hour. >> >> stephen: $9? that is almost two feet of sandwich. where does it end? where did it end? a living wage spoils the working man. just ask c.e.o. and fox news resident smeagol robert luddy. jim? >> i worked for $85 cents an hour when i was in high school and i was happy to have that job. >>...
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Feb 26, 2013
02/13
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[cheers and applause] [laughter] besides why on earth -- someone tell me -- why is the center for disease control studying guns? guns aren't a disease. i didn't get my semiautomatic from sitting on a so toilet sea. [ laughter ] who knows how much damage this information could have done if it was in the wrong hands. luckily the nra stepped up. in 1994 the nra successfully lobbied congress to keep this restriction in the budget. >> stephen: the nra made the government stop studying effects of guns and in the 17 years since we've remained perfectly safe, as far as we know. [ laughter ] unfortunately, folks, years of hard not work may soon be undone because with the stroke of a pen obama just directed the cdc to resume scientific studies on gun violence saying he wants to protect people from guns. [laughter] now, once again we're facing old our enemy from the 90s. [ laughter ] folks, we are facing the threat -- [ applause ] brsh the threat of information. thankfully patriots like david bartne rerks fighting back with positive stories of guns in our schools. >> great example in the 1850's, a s
[cheers and applause] [laughter] besides why on earth -- someone tell me -- why is the center for disease control studying guns? guns aren't a disease. i didn't get my semiautomatic from sitting on a so toilet sea. [ laughter ] who knows how much damage this information could have done if it was in the wrong hands. luckily the nra stepped up. in 1994 the nra successfully lobbied congress to keep this restriction in the budget. >> stephen: the nra made the government stop studying effects...
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Feb 20, 2013
02/13
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[laughter] [cheers and applause] folks, the earth is under attack from giant space rocks. the dinosaurs tried to warn us by being dead. [laughter] now, all weekend i was down in the bunker watching these incredible youtube clips of the meteor streaking across the sky and exploding. it's actually replaced my previous favorite video: an adorable kitten streaking across the sky and exploding. [cheers and applause] why is there so much video of the meteor? for the answer, let's go to the video. >> a majority of this footage was recorded purely by chance. captured by small, dash-mounted cameras that are now the latest fad among russian car owners. motorists have turned to dash cams for self-protection, visual proof to fend off charges from possibly corrupt police officers and from insurance scammers, who often stage accidents. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: now that man lost his personal injury lawsuit, but he did win the coveted scammie award for best actor on a sedan. [laughter] but here is the scary part. here is the scary part, folks, we did not see this meteor coming. s
[laughter] [cheers and applause] folks, the earth is under attack from giant space rocks. the dinosaurs tried to warn us by being dead. [laughter] now, all weekend i was down in the bunker watching these incredible youtube clips of the meteor streaking across the sky and exploding. it's actually replaced my previous favorite video: an adorable kitten streaking across the sky and exploding. [cheers and applause] why is there so much video of the meteor? for the answer, let's go to the video....
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we see what the earth is for. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: it is unbelievably beautiful, joyous and wild when i first saw that i thought this is like where the wild things are but with people. [ laughter ] >> it is wild. you know, and when you go down there it's a wild culture. >> stephen: what brought you down there? you are not from down there, are you? you don't have a deep louisiana -- >> definitely not. my folks brought me there when i was 13 years old. >> stephen: about a month ago. >> it was last week. [laughter] and i went back to start making films there because the way they sort of -- creativity bleeds out of culture was something i wanted to be a part of. >> stephen: the day you started shooting is the day of the deep water horizon blow up. how did that affect your production and how you thought about that area? immediately it was not just endangered from the storm but poisoned out of existence. >> yeah and these towns down there really exist on what they pull out of the water. there was a real feeling as we were shooting a lot of this film that we could be photographing things for last ti
we see what the earth is for. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: it is unbelievably beautiful, joyous and wild when i first saw that i thought this is like where the wild things are but with people. [ laughter ] >> it is wild. you know, and when you go down there it's a wild culture. >> stephen: what brought you down there? you are not from down there, are you? you don't have a deep louisiana -- >> definitely not. my folks brought me there when i was 13 years old. >> stephen:...
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Feb 19, 2013
02/13
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because anywhere else on earth we would line them up and shoot them. them. [cheers and applause] free creds redesigned site has this new score planner tool with these cool sliders. this one lets us know what happens if we miss a payment. oh. this one lets us know what happens if we use less credit. yeah. what's this one do? i dunno. glad nothing weird happened. right? score planner is free to everyone. free score applies with enrollment in freecreditscore.com guacamole slider still in beta. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. [cheers and applause] in the "a" block", i told you how some still think banks are evil-- just because after they photograph kittens for your checks, they bundle them into burlap derivitives and invest them in a river. [laughter] [cheers and applause] well tonight, the bank-bashers can stand down. because at least one prominent banker has finally been brought to justice. this is nailed 'em. ♪ dhawz. [cheers and applause] five years after the global financial crisis americans are still angry at bi
because anywhere else on earth we would line them up and shoot them. them. [cheers and applause] free creds redesigned site has this new score planner tool with these cool sliders. this one lets us know what happens if we miss a payment. oh. this one lets us know what happens if we use less credit. yeah. what's this one do? i dunno. glad nothing weird happened. right? score planner is free to everyone. free score applies with enrollment in freecreditscore.com guacamole slider still in beta....
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basically that we're all extraterrestrial beings called "thetans" trapped in an earth body, after galactic leader xenu brought the thetans here, stacked them up around volcanos, and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. i'm sorry, jimmy, is that correct in my prompter? that is kind of, wow -- wow, bit of a stretch. wait 'til i tell my priest about this before he intercedes with god for me who then forgives my sins after i say a prayer whatever number of times the priest told me to. [laughter] [cheers and applause] unfortunately, the church has had some recent public relations problems. for instance, it seems scientology president david miscavige believes in tough love, without so much of the love part. [laughter] jim? >> marty wrathbun, who used to work directly under david miscavige, says there's been a culture of violence within the leadership of the church, the culture encouraged by miscavige himself. >> miscavige is portrayed as a ruthless and cruel leader, at times using physical violence to get his way and punish subordinates. >> he treats his subordinates in all of international managem
basically that we're all extraterrestrial beings called "thetans" trapped in an earth body, after galactic leader xenu brought the thetans here, stacked them up around volcanos, and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. i'm sorry, jimmy, is that correct in my prompter? that is kind of, wow -- wow, bit of a stretch. wait 'til i tell my priest about this before he intercedes with god for me who then forgives my sins after i say a prayer whatever number of times the priest told me to....
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Feb 28, 2013
02/13
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personnel who protect the civilians serving as overseas work in some of the most dangerous places on earth. they support democratic institutions in kyrgyzikstan in georgia. >> stephen: yes, kyrgyzikstan. kyrgyzikstan: it does not exist. kerry was actually referring to kyrgyzstan and accidentally mixed it up with its neighbor kazakhstan. i mean, kyr-zakh-stan? course, he's gotten some ribbing in the press for making up a new country. and it's well deserved. i mean, how could anyone ever confuse kazakhstan with its neighbor kyrgyzstan? [laughter] sure, both countries enjoy fermented horse milk, and they both sleep in yak-hide yurts-- [laughter] but everybody knows in kyrgyzstan, they play a fretless stringed instrument called the qomuz which is nothing like kazakhstan's dombra, also a fretless stringed instrument, [laughter] but with a slightly thinner neck. [laughter] and what are you going to do, kerry? go to downtown bishkek and try to use a bunch of tenge to buy a new kalpak? [laughter] not without first exchanging it into soums. you're not! what a maroon! quit embarrassing yourself, ker
personnel who protect the civilians serving as overseas work in some of the most dangerous places on earth. they support democratic institutions in kyrgyzikstan in georgia. >> stephen: yes, kyrgyzikstan. kyrgyzikstan: it does not exist. kerry was actually referring to kyrgyzstan and accidentally mixed it up with its neighbor kazakhstan. i mean, kyr-zakh-stan? course, he's gotten some ribbing in the press for making up a new country. and it's well deserved. i mean, how could anyone ever...
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get-- he used the "n" word, meaning black people and that-- he said we need to get them off of the earth. he put me in a bear hug and started beating the crap out of me. >> stephen: ok, i think it's safe to assume two things. one, that this driver isn't really jesus. [laughter] and two, not a packers fan. [laughter] [cheers and applause] so kai, our hitchhiker with the axe, who i will remind you is the hero of this story, sprang into action. >> and then (bleep) buddy gets out and these two women are trying to help him. he runs up and he grabs one of them, man. like a guy that big can snap a woman's neck like a pencil stick. so i (bleep) ran up behind him with a hatchet-- smash, smash, suh-mash! yeah. [laughter] >> stephen: yeah! thanks to kai, the man hit by the car is okay, the bystander is okay, and for the first time in history, people are saying, "boy, we sure are lucky that homeless hitchhiker was carrying a hatchet." [laughter] and this situation could have happened to any of us. remember, kai said the driver "came to realize" he was jesus in the middle of driving. who knows when i
get-- he used the "n" word, meaning black people and that-- he said we need to get them off of the earth. he put me in a bear hug and started beating the crap out of me. >> stephen: ok, i think it's safe to assume two things. one, that this driver isn't really jesus. [laughter] and two, not a packers fan. [laughter] [cheers and applause] so kai, our hitchhiker with the axe, who i will remind you is the hero of this story, sprang into action. >> and then (bleep) buddy gets...
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Feb 15, 2013
02/13
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because anywhere else on earth we would line them up and shoot them. [cheers and applause]azazazazazz [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. [cheers and applause] in the "a" block", i told you how some still think banks are evil-- just because after they photograph kittens for your checks, they bundle them into burlap derivitives and invest them in a river. [laughter] [cheers and applause] well tonight, the bank-bashers can stand down. because at least one prominent banker has finally been brought to justice. this is nailed 'em. ♪ dhawz. [cheers and applause] five years after the global financial crisis americans are still angry at big banks. >> no wall street executives have gone to jail. >> no one has been held accountable. >> no criminal charges, no individual fines which was incredible. >> but now one bank wells fargo has finally nailed the highest level white collar mortgage banker to date. >> my name is richard achieves. i'm 68 years old. >> stephen: this is the face of corporate greed. >> wells fargo mortgag
because anywhere else on earth we would line them up and shoot them. [cheers and applause]azazazazazz [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. [cheers and applause] in the "a" block", i told you how some still think banks are evil-- just because after they photograph kittens for your checks, they bundle them into burlap derivitives and invest them in a river. [laughter] [cheers and applause] well tonight, the bank-bashers can stand down....