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May 28, 2024
05/24
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. >> stephen: interesting. >> 2! >> stephen: no. you can only think of one. >> you are thinking of it now. >> stephen: i'm still thinking of mine. now i'm thinking pi. of described the rest of your life in five words. >> "run it by ava first." >> narrator: >> stephen: congratulations, you are known ! >> stephen: congratulations, you are known! ryan gosling, "the fall guy!" we will be right back. this isn't charmin! no wonder i don't feel as clean. here's charmin ultra strong. ahhh! my bottom's been saved! with its diamond weave texture, charmin ultra strong cleans better with fewer sheets and less effort. enjoy the go with charmin. [ growl ] ready for the road trip. everyone comfortable. yep, there's plenty of space. i've even got an extra seat. wait! no, no, no, no, no. [ gasps ] [ indistinct chatter ] [ sigh ] let's just wait them out. the volkswagen atlas with three rows of seating for seven. everyone wants a ride. [ snoring ] ok, get in. [ speaking minionese ] yippee! and see "despicable me 4" in theaters july 3rd. rated pg. ♪
. >> stephen: interesting. >> 2! >> stephen: no. you can only think of one. >> you are thinking of it now. >> stephen: i'm still thinking of mine. now i'm thinking pi. of described the rest of your life in five words. >> "run it by ava first." >> narrator: >> stephen: congratulations, you are known ! >> stephen: congratulations, you are known! ryan gosling, "the fall guy!" we will be right back. this isn't charmin! no...
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Feb 9, 2024
02/24
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. >> stephen: yeah. you don't smell that as much anymore. >> andre 3000: no but it's still out there. >> stephen: earliest memory. >> andre 3000: i don't know. >> stephen: what's the earliest thing you can remember? >> andre 3000: that's what i'm saying. i can't remember the earliest thing. >> stephen: whatever is after that is the earliest thing you can remember. not asking what the earliest thing you experience was. i'm asking the earliest thing you still can remember. >> andre 3000: getting a go-kart. >> stephen: getting a go-kart? wow. where was this? was it at a track? >> andre 3000: it was on a street. college park georgia. i had come from out of town back home after christmas and it was my gift but my cousins and them, they were driving impaired before i got back home. i remember it was like in the neighborhood and the community, everybody came out. >> stephen: cats or dogs? >> andre 3000: to be honest neither. >> stephen: you can go for another pet if you want? >> andre 3000: only because i'm usu
. >> stephen: yeah. you don't smell that as much anymore. >> andre 3000: no but it's still out there. >> stephen: earliest memory. >> andre 3000: i don't know. >> stephen: what's the earliest thing you can remember? >> andre 3000: that's what i'm saying. i can't remember the earliest thing. >> stephen: whatever is after that is the earliest thing you can remember. not asking what the earliest thing you experience was. i'm asking the earliest thing you...
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May 17, 2024
05/24
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. >> stephen: wow. lovely. [applause] you only get to listen to one song for the rest of your life. what is it? i don't mean you have to listen to the same song continuously but when you go to listen to a song, this is the song. >> david: i'm going to amend my answer, two songs, the national space invader, foo fighters ever long. [applause] >> stephen: there have to be rules. i said one song. >> david: it ain't my show. >> stephen: what number of my thinking of? >> david: 6. >> stephen: no. >> david: [bleep] i was told six. >> stephen: it isn't quiz show. describe the rest of your life in five words. >> david: do everything i possibly can to stop people at intersections from motioning me to go first. is that five? >> stephen: yes. david, congratulations. you are known. >> david: what do i win? >> stephen: david letterman, everybody. we'll right back. and i use this. febreze has a microchip to control scent release so it smells first-day fresh for 50 days. 50 days!? and its refill reminder light means i'
. >> stephen: wow. lovely. [applause] you only get to listen to one song for the rest of your life. what is it? i don't mean you have to listen to the same song continuously but when you go to listen to a song, this is the song. >> david: i'm going to amend my answer, two songs, the national space invader, foo fighters ever long. [applause] >> stephen: there have to be rules. i said one song. >> david: it ain't my show. >> stephen: what number of my thinking of?...
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May 30, 2024
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>> stephen: i pay them. >> john: oh, i've got some cash. >> stephen: mr. leguizamo, always lovely to see you. you are my favorite late-night host ever. >> stephen: you're very kind. thank you very much. much respect for you. you could end up being one of my favorite late-night hosts. because you two weeks ago did a piece on "the daily show" and last year you did a week on "the daily show." >> john: they were making us compete against each other to see who is going to be the host after trevor noah left. they put us all along. i was number two. in the ratings. i didn't think i would have rated that high. >> stephen: who beat you? >> john: do i have to say? no, of course. i love al franken. al franken was number one. >> stephen: senator al franken. >> i was number two. sarah silverman was number three. >> stephen: what do you think? the water's fine. come on in. >> john: i loved it. you have 25 of the best political writers in america. five of the best producers of that show. it was like driving a ferrari. it was incredible. >> stephen: what was your week? wh
>> stephen: i pay them. >> john: oh, i've got some cash. >> stephen: mr. leguizamo, always lovely to see you. you are my favorite late-night host ever. >> stephen: you're very kind. thank you very much. much respect for you. you could end up being one of my favorite late-night hosts. because you two weeks ago did a piece on "the daily show" and last year you did a week on "the daily show." >> john: they were making us compete against each other...
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Jan 30, 2024
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. >> stephen: let's see. give me a brief description of a good buddy comedy starring bryan cranston and stephen colbert. wow. it already hasn't. >> bryan: what did it say? >> stephen: do you want to read that? >> bryan: "in hilarious harmony." the name of the title. bryan cranston and stephen colbert starting this mismatched roommates in a chaotic yet heartwarming company. cranston, a neat freak architect. i take on bridge about that. >> stephen: and colbert, carefree aspiring chefs share an apartment. leading to uproarious clashes and sides putting situations as they... >> bryan: as they learn to appreciate their differences and forge an enduring friendship. [applause] that's wild. doesn't say who gets the girl in that? between the two of us. >> stephen: doesn't seem to be anybody in it but you and me. >> bryan: of george clooney and brad pitt did that, they would be a girl. they would be a girl. >> stephen: damn it. >> bryan: that's what it said. in that moment. >> stephen: that is happening all over hollyw
. >> stephen: let's see. give me a brief description of a good buddy comedy starring bryan cranston and stephen colbert. wow. it already hasn't. >> bryan: what did it say? >> stephen: do you want to read that? >> bryan: "in hilarious harmony." the name of the title. bryan cranston and stephen colbert starting this mismatched roommates in a chaotic yet heartwarming company. cranston, a neat freak architect. i take on bridge about that. >> stephen: and...
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Apr 4, 2024
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. >> stephen: g. >> gillian: to be worshiped. >> stephen: to be worshiped. t, b, dubs. >> gillian: i was going to have you guess which chapter. >> stephen: i think if i guessed, it make some real assumptions about stuff i should not know about. i am going to say not gently. [laughter] and i'm going to stop there. i'm going to stop right there because my wife is standing right over there. >> gillian: that was such a great wave. she went like that. >> stephen: she was a show girl, you know? >> gillian: really? >> stephen: yeah, z ziegfield. >> gillian: how high can you get? >> stephen: we have to take a quick break but don't go nowhere. we'll be right back with more gillian anderson. you... you... you... you could earn your... master's... [ gasp ] for under 11 thousand! 11... yes! 11! master's degree for under 11k in less than a year. some things are too obvious to be a coincidence. earn your competency-based master's at university of phoenix. one kale celery swirl? yah. cash or charge? charge. ♪♪ sorry, game time! ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ what is cirkul? cirk
. >> stephen: g. >> gillian: to be worshiped. >> stephen: to be worshiped. t, b, dubs. >> gillian: i was going to have you guess which chapter. >> stephen: i think if i guessed, it make some real assumptions about stuff i should not know about. i am going to say not gently. [laughter] and i'm going to stop there. i'm going to stop right there because my wife is standing right over there. >> gillian: that was such a great wave. she went like that. >>...
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May 4, 2024
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i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] i want to thank everyone in this brave audience right here, everyone in the audience who braved the cold outside to come in here and be even colder, because today, new york city was pummeled by a nor'easter, including a heavy dusting on the marquee at the ed sullivan theater. leading up to the storm, officials forecasted up to 8 inches of snow. of course, as is usually the case, that 8 inches was more like a confident 5. but you know what they say. [cheering] you know what they... i got a little something. but you know what they say. it's not about the depth of the snow, it's how you plow it! thank you. back in the day, snow used to mean no school, but not anymore. because instead, in new york, students had a remote learning day. as in, the chances of learning? remote. the early morning snowstorm, is this true? it depressed turnout in an important special election today in new york: the race to replace george santos. the candidates for that long island seat are republican m
i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] i want to thank everyone in this brave audience right here, everyone in the audience who braved the cold outside to come in here and be even colder, because today, new york city was pummeled by a nor'easter, including a heavy dusting on the marquee at the ed sullivan theater. leading up to the storm, officials forecasted up to 8 inches of snow. of course, as is usually the case, that 8 inches was more like a confident 5. but you know what they say....
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Apr 2, 2024
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[cheering] >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: wow, wow. [cheering] thank you. thank you. the job really does age you. the evening was a huge success. biden's campaign said the event raised more than $26 million. and i would say what's most impressive is they did it without selling one bible! now, a lot of people have asked me what it was like to moderate the evening. and i can tell you there were three presidents, three communications teams, and zero catering. i asked one of the folks from the democratic party for a diet coke and after a long delay, they gave me a diet pepsi. so... i'm voting for trump now. [laughter] i know, i know. "death of democracy." but i have my limits. there was also a fun moment when i asked president obama why i'm allowed to call his wife michelle but i can't call him barack. he said, and i quote, "your wife can." [laughter] a lot of people enjoyed that joke. for instance, my wife. yesterday was easter, as i was saying. and joe biden had a lovely message, posting, "jill and i send our warmest wishes to christians
[cheering] >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: wow, wow. [cheering] thank you. thank you. the job really does age you. the evening was a huge success. biden's campaign said the event raised more than $26 million. and i would say what's most impressive is they did it without selling one bible! now, a lot of people have asked me what it was like to moderate the evening. and i can tell you there were three presidents, three communications teams, and zero...
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Mar 13, 2024
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. >> stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, everybody! out here, but they are. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. ♪ ♪ thank you, my friends. you are my friends. romans, countrymen. welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] today down in washington was yet another clownish attempt by the g.o.p. to draw some sort of moral equivalency between joe biden and donald trump. this time, they heard testimony from special counsel robert hur, who was the guy in charge of the investigation into president biden's handling of classified documents. in hur's report, he declined to charge biden with any crimes, but attacked the president's mental fitness, saying he presents as "a sympathetic, well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory." that kind of assessment is sort of outside the normal job description of a special counsel. it'd be like your doctor saying, "we ran some tests, mr. johnson, and your cholesterol looks good. but i am worried about how ugly you are. i'm gonna write you a prescription for bag over your head. unlimited ref
. >> stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, everybody! out here, but they are. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. ♪ ♪ thank you, my friends. you are my friends. romans, countrymen. welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] today down in washington was yet another clownish attempt by the g.o.p. to draw some sort of moral equivalency between joe biden and donald trump. this time, they heard testimony from special counsel robert...
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Feb 17, 2024
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>> stephen: we sure did. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> jon: you know, there is one more thing, stephen. and it's a bit of a surprise. >> stephen: really? you know how surprises make me thirsty, jon. excuse me one second while i get a glass of water here and wet my whistle. >> jon: ready? you're my best friend. >> stephen: [burbling] [crying] jon stewart, everybody. you can see him back on "the daily show" tomorrow. we'll be right back with john krasinski and ryan gosling. >> jon: both? wow. looking for a smarter way to mop? try the swiffer powermop. ♪♪ an all-in-one cleaning tool, with a 360-degree swivel head that goes places a regular mop just can't. ♪♪ mop smarter with the swiffer powermop. ♪ ♪ mopnext.ter next. stop. we got it? no. keep going. aga... [ sigh ] next. next. if you don't pick one... oh, you have time. am i keeping you from your job. next. i don't even know where i am anymore. stop. do we finally have it? let's go back to the beginning. are you... your electric future. customized. the fully-electric audi q4 e-tron. ♪ ♪ (vo) welcome to lobsterfest. is your
>> stephen: we sure did. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> jon: you know, there is one more thing, stephen. and it's a bit of a surprise. >> stephen: really? you know how surprises make me thirsty, jon. excuse me one second while i get a glass of water here and wet my whistle. >> jon: ready? you're my best friend. >> stephen: [burbling] [crying] jon stewart, everybody. you can see him back on "the daily show" tomorrow. we'll be right back with john krasinski and ryan...
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Mar 14, 2024
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. >> stephen? stephen, are you okay? is everything okay? >> stephen: yeah, i'm fine. i'm just doing this segment about movies for the greatest audience in the world! [cheering] [ominious music] hold on. hold on. i just need a minute. hold on. hold on. i'll be back. snap out of it, colbert! why do you keep talking about showers? you love movies. they're your favorite part of the morning routine. the lathering, the scrubbing. what am i saying?! >> she got you too, huh? >> stephen: jon hamm. wait. what do you mean, "she got me too"? >> the shower witch. >> stephen: who? >> oh, you sweet fool. the shower witch. the magical being that guards the barrier between the showers and reality. >> stephen: i thought she was just an urban legend. >> [growling] you must have angered her. think! what could you have done to anger the shower witch? >> stephen: i don't know. the only thing i can think of is that i stayed in a hotel last week. >> both: and you know how there's those two shower curtains and one goes on the inside and the outside? well, i accidentally put them both on the o
. >> stephen? stephen, are you okay? is everything okay? >> stephen: yeah, i'm fine. i'm just doing this segment about movies for the greatest audience in the world! [cheering] [ominious music] hold on. hold on. i just need a minute. hold on. hold on. i'll be back. snap out of it, colbert! why do you keep talking about showers? you love movies. they're your favorite part of the morning routine. the lathering, the scrubbing. what am i saying?! >> she got you too, huh? >>...
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Jan 24, 2024
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>> stephen: wow. i can't believe the guy who interrupted a woman to harass her is a trump supporter. [laughter] speeches aren't the only thing in haley's campaign arsenal. because a fan and one of her biggest donors has now recorded a "nikki haley" anthem. if you're familiar with the song "oh, mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine. you blow my mind," you'll recognize the beat right off the top of the song, and you'll know where this song is going, and then you'll be so disappointed. ♪ ♪ >> ♪ never underestimate! ♪ ♪ never underestimate me! ♪ ♪ nikki! ♪ ♪ i mean nikki! ♪ >> stephen: come on! [laughter] "oh, nikki, you're so great, you're so great. you'll win this state! hey, nikki!" it's right there! [cheering] [clapping and drumming] this musical misfire reminds me of queen's famous live aid performance. ♪ ♪ ["we will rock you" beat] >> never underestimate nikki! >> stephen: anyway, the nikki song continued. >> ♪ we need you, nikki ♪ ♪ right now ♪ ♪ to lead our natio
>> stephen: wow. i can't believe the guy who interrupted a woman to harass her is a trump supporter. [laughter] speeches aren't the only thing in haley's campaign arsenal. because a fan and one of her biggest donors has now recorded a "nikki haley" anthem. if you're familiar with the song "oh, mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine. you blow my mind," you'll recognize the beat right off the top of the song, and you'll know where this song is going, and then you'll be...
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Jan 31, 2024
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>> stephen: what? he seemed genuinely nervous about what i'm about to ask. >> emma: what are you jealous of? >> stephen: that you have a family tattoo. >> emma: yes. >> stephen: this is her siblings and your folks. >> emma: my mom, my dad, brother and i all got the same tattoo. now listen. i don't want to speak ill of a stranger. but i went to get this tattoo at kind of a random place. i just sort of walked in, didn't know what i was doing. i don't think this guy relly cared about the craft so to speak. so over the last now 14 years this drawing was pencil thin. it was drawn without ballpoint pen and now it looks like this. >> stephen: can we get a shot of this? >> emma: can you tell what that is? you guys, ballpoint pen. i'm talking fine tip. that's like a sharpie merida magic marker and it just keeps bleeding out constantly. >> stephen: that's when the dangers of tattoos. chicken feet? >> emma: blackbird feet. it's very sweet, my mom beat breast cancer and her favorite song is "blackbird" into this a
>> stephen: what? he seemed genuinely nervous about what i'm about to ask. >> emma: what are you jealous of? >> stephen: that you have a family tattoo. >> emma: yes. >> stephen: this is her siblings and your folks. >> emma: my mom, my dad, brother and i all got the same tattoo. now listen. i don't want to speak ill of a stranger. but i went to get this tattoo at kind of a random place. i just sort of walked in, didn't know what i was doing. i don't think this...
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Jan 11, 2024
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i'm your host, stephen colbert. there is, this is true, people don't know because they had to turn off their cell phones before they came in here. this just happened, right? there's breaking news about former governor of new jersey and man so nice they chris'd him twice, chris christie. today at 5:00, so this just happened a little while ago, chris christie officially announced he is dropping out of the presidential race. >> audience: aww. >> stephen: yeah, he made this tough decision after looking at the polls and realizing it was an easy decision. christie is not expected to make any endorsements at this time. but the timing of this decision indicates that he's clearing the way for nikki haley to take all of his voter. [laughter] of course, of course... that's a stroker. that's a three-stroker. of course, chris christie was the most high-profile and consistent critic of trump still in the republican primary unlike ron desantis, whose campaign slogan is ron desantis: trump 2024. ooh, now. here's the thing. speaking
i'm your host, stephen colbert. there is, this is true, people don't know because they had to turn off their cell phones before they came in here. this just happened, right? there's breaking news about former governor of new jersey and man so nice they chris'd him twice, chris christie. today at 5:00, so this just happened a little while ago, chris christie officially announced he is dropping out of the presidential race. >> audience: aww. >> stephen: yeah, he made this tough...
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Jan 20, 2024
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. >> stephen: barbra streisand. >> barbra: stephen colbert. >> stephen: congratulations. you are known. thank you again, barbra streisand! "my name is barbra" is available now. we'll be right back with the host of "after midnight," taylor tomlinson. the long-lasting scent of gain flings made it smell like dave was in his happy place... ...the massage chair at the mall. but...he wasn't. gain flings with oxi boost and febreze. type 2 diabetes? discover the ozempic® tri-zone. ♪ ♪ i got the power of 3. i lowered my a1c, cv risk, and lost some weight. in studies, the majority of people reached an a1c under 7 and maintained it. i'm under 7. ozempic® lowers the risk of major cardiovascular events such as stroke, heart attack, or death in adults also with known heart disease. i'm lowering my risk. adults lost up to 14 pounds. i lost some weight. ozempic® isn't for people with type 1 diabetes. don't share needles or pens, or reuse needles. don't take ozempic® if you or your family ever had medullary thyroid cancer, or have multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2, or i
. >> stephen: barbra streisand. >> barbra: stephen colbert. >> stephen: congratulations. you are known. thank you again, barbra streisand! "my name is barbra" is available now. we'll be right back with the host of "after midnight," taylor tomlinson. the long-lasting scent of gain flings made it smell like dave was in his happy place... ...the massage chair at the mall. but...he wasn't. gain flings with oxi boost and febreze. type 2 diabetes? discover the...
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May 23, 2024
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>> stephen: i'm 11 of 11. >> anya: no way! >> stephen: yeah. it's not a contest but i'm winning. >> a>> anya: you won hard-core r sure. >> stephen: how do you think it performs you as a performer? my siblings would pick you up and be like what is the off button. there's so much energy. to be fair. when you're -- i realize times i was going to be the smallest so that was going to end in any kind of physical touch so to do a lot of -- >> stephen: after player. >> anya: you have to show up and be like... i will get you for this. >> stephen: and fight for food. they are bigger. you can't ever get seconds. >> anya: it sounds like your siblings were like a pack of puppies. fighting for food? >> stephen: my wife says, why do you eat so fast? you wouldn't eat at all. >> anya: it would be gone. >> stephen: exactly. i'm a huge fan of "doom" which i think i may mention to you before. obviously the second installment of "dune," brilliant. we only got less than a minute of you. is it true that no one in the cast knew that you were playing that part up until
>> stephen: i'm 11 of 11. >> anya: no way! >> stephen: yeah. it's not a contest but i'm winning. >> a>> anya: you won hard-core r sure. >> stephen: how do you think it performs you as a performer? my siblings would pick you up and be like what is the off button. there's so much energy. to be fair. when you're -- i realize times i was going to be the smallest so that was going to end in any kind of physical touch so to do a lot of -- >> stephen: after...
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Feb 10, 2024
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he won. >> stephen: really? you're dissing the guy who just curb-stomped you without being on the ballot? it's not a great look. it's like coming home with a black eye and saying "you should see the other guy. he's 81 years old, didn't show up, and still kicked my ass!" [cheers and applause] now... come on. other candidates biden defeated include -- and this is real -- a guy named president boddie. i'm sorry, america already has a president body. and his name is jeremy allen white. [cheering] jimmy! jimmy, take that down and print it out and give it to my trainer. i want those rib abs. those things up here. little muscle. looks like a sloth is trying to hold you back. of course, it wouldn't be a new hampshire primary without my favorite perennial candidate, and again, he is real, vermin supreme. i know you're asking, and no, you're not supposed to wear a head-boot after labor day. vermin is a bit of an unusual candidate. this is his ninth presidential election, and his platform includes free ponies for all ameri
he won. >> stephen: really? you're dissing the guy who just curb-stomped you without being on the ballot? it's not a great look. it's like coming home with a black eye and saying "you should see the other guy. he's 81 years old, didn't show up, and still kicked my ass!" [cheers and applause] now... come on. other candidates biden defeated include -- and this is real -- a guy named president boddie. i'm sorry, america already has a president body. and his name is jeremy allen...
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Mar 29, 2024
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>> stephen: no, no. you see -- i'm surprised you because he, a couple of years ago now, during covid, he just cold-videoed me. he just sent me a video of him driving back from some mountain that he goes to. he's just driving. he sends me videos, long, rambling, heartfelt videos about how he is feeling. has he sent you semi-nude videos from his steam room? >> rebecca: no! i'm friends with his wife. >> stephen: he sent me those. if you can go get my phone, i am not lying. i have videos of him shirtless in a steam room. look at him. >> don't play it. play it. can you see that? wait, there's sound. [laughter] >> stephen: answer for yourself. answer -- >> josh: let me just show you something. this has no sound, can you hold it up? just hold up. this is what i get back. >> stephen: that is what i sent back. it's just me and my boat. >> josh: first of all, look at how small the boat is. obviously you are not getting paid very well. literally the boat looks like it is going to sink at any minute. >> stephen: tha
>> stephen: no, no. you see -- i'm surprised you because he, a couple of years ago now, during covid, he just cold-videoed me. he just sent me a video of him driving back from some mountain that he goes to. he's just driving. he sends me videos, long, rambling, heartfelt videos about how he is feeling. has he sent you semi-nude videos from his steam room? >> rebecca: no! i'm friends with his wife. >> stephen: he sent me those. if you can go get my phone, i am not lying. i have...
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Mar 9, 2024
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>> stephen: no! i'm thanking you for writing this book with me. >> i will say this, i think this cookbook should be an example for all couples of hope. [laughter] an example of hope for all couples. >> stephen: why is it an example of hope for all couples? >> because i cannot even chop celery without you telling me i'm doing it wrong. [boos] it's all good now and now we've written a cookbook together. i feel like i'm being a little mean. i will back up. >> stephen: i wrote a book. >> it's beautiful! it's beautiful! we did it together! >> stephen: it was an act of love and you made it ugly. we should do first drafts before our relationship deteriorates completely. you know how this works. we have all whole bunch of lovely valentines cards here and you're going to hand me, if you don't mind, the first card. the first car will have the actual valentine that was sold and the second will be the first draft that was not good enough to be sold. clear? >> yes. >> stephen: i've got to warn everybody, if you'v
>> stephen: no! i'm thanking you for writing this book with me. >> i will say this, i think this cookbook should be an example for all couples of hope. [laughter] an example of hope for all couples. >> stephen: why is it an example of hope for all couples? >> because i cannot even chop celery without you telling me i'm doing it wrong. [boos] it's all good now and now we've written a cookbook together. i feel like i'm being a little mean. i will back up. >> stephen:...
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May 29, 2024
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>> stephen: i do. that was a scandal. >> it puts it into perspective. >> stephen: there is no place for poplin in the oval office. we also heard from hope hicks. she communications director for trump? >> she was a senior advisor of some sort. i don't know what her title was exactly. >> stephen: when he became president in 2016, was that handoff like. >> we were in a shell-shocked place like most of the country. president obama said the bush team, who he had lots of disagreements with, welcomed us with grace. they gave us books and briefing books and helped us through the transition and we were expected to do the same. you want the country to succeed and there is a history for good reason about the transition of power. that's what we did. we had all of these binders. we were so nerdy and bureaucratic about the things we wanted to prepare them with. we sat down. she was probably a little shell-shocked but one of the big questions she asked was how do you get president obama to approve every statement? we
>> stephen: i do. that was a scandal. >> it puts it into perspective. >> stephen: there is no place for poplin in the oval office. we also heard from hope hicks. she communications director for trump? >> she was a senior advisor of some sort. i don't know what her title was exactly. >> stephen: when he became president in 2016, was that handoff like. >> we were in a shell-shocked place like most of the country. president obama said the bush team, who he had...
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Mar 23, 2024
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>> stephen: i survived. >> rebecca: did you? >> stephen: yes. you have to open it underwater. >> rebecca: yes, you have it. we've done it. my husband loves it, i think he loves it so -- he keeps on doing it all the time as a joke but mostly he's by himself. doing it in the woods, just like opening the surstromming. >> stephen: your husband goes to the woods by himself to eat -- >> rebecca: to the woods by himself eating surstromming. >> stephen: to eat turned sour herring. >> rebecca: and here's a video of him. no. naked, 'cause clearly that's what this show is about. >> stephen: we would get super bowl ratings if that's what this show was about. you and me naked right now? >> rebecca: oh, my god. "dune: part two" in theaters. anyway. rebecca ferguson. rebecca ferguson, everybody. i would run this show with you. i love this. could i be your sidekick? >> stephen: yes, 100%. you wouldn't have time to do your films. >> rebecca: i know. i know, but i could pause just for a little bit. i need to say no to some things. >> stephen: can we talk the netw
>> stephen: i survived. >> rebecca: did you? >> stephen: yes. you have to open it underwater. >> rebecca: yes, you have it. we've done it. my husband loves it, i think he loves it so -- he keeps on doing it all the time as a joke but mostly he's by himself. doing it in the woods, just like opening the surstromming. >> stephen: your husband goes to the woods by himself to eat -- >> rebecca: to the woods by himself eating surstromming. >> stephen: to eat...
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May 1, 2024
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i'm your host, stephen colbert. now for those of you, anyone at home keeping score, today was the start of week two of testimony in donald trump's hush money trial here in new york city. it is clearly taking a toll on the man. here he is entering the courthouse this morning, with his cheeks full of acorns for later. trump showed just as much stamina as last week. reportedly, he was sitting with his eyes closed for significant portions of his testimony. so, either he's falling asleep again, or he's doing that little kid thing where he thinks if he can't see you, no one can see him. it's a real challenge for his lawyers. i gotta tell you. [applause] uh-oh. "i wonder where the former president is. i guess i'll have to eat all these cookies by myself. oh, well." "wait, i'm here!" of course, when trump hasn't been asleep, he's been violating his gag order by posting messages attacking witnesses and prosecutors and jurors. so before testimony resumed today, judge merchan finally issued his ruling on the violations, fining
i'm your host, stephen colbert. now for those of you, anyone at home keeping score, today was the start of week two of testimony in donald trump's hush money trial here in new york city. it is clearly taking a toll on the man. here he is entering the courthouse this morning, with his cheeks full of acorns for later. trump showed just as much stamina as last week. reportedly, he was sitting with his eyes closed for significant portions of his testimony. so, either he's falling asleep again, or...
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>> stephen: i just made it up. no. >> theater school. >> stephen: in montreal, was the sin french or were you in english? >> the national theater school so it was half french and i was in the english department english department. a-determiner >> stephen: they didn't make you do stuff in french. >> no, but was great, i don't know if anyone is familiar with montreal, one of the best canadian cities so to be exposed to the whole culture was great. >> stephen: the reason i ask about the french is because i was threatened with arrest in montreal for the montreal theater festival, i was putting up posters for our play all around and they were in english. >> really? and they were like no. >> stephen: they had to be in both english and french and they were only in english and the policeman followed me around the city and saw that i took everyone down. i guess there's no other crime. >> that is quite quÉbecois. >> stephen: when you are up in canada i understand you did clown training? >> sure, you must have done that too,
>> stephen: i just made it up. no. >> theater school. >> stephen: in montreal, was the sin french or were you in english? >> the national theater school so it was half french and i was in the english department english department. a-determiner >> stephen: they didn't make you do stuff in french. >> no, but was great, i don't know if anyone is familiar with montreal, one of the best canadian cities so to be exposed to the whole culture was great. >>...
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Jan 25, 2024
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. >> stephen: then don't. don't tell me anything. >> austin: the idea -- >> stephen: let's not talk anymore. let's just, we will just sit. we will just stare. i understand. i was hesitant to ask is i don't want to give away an ending or anything like that. i don't want to know if he makes it through the war or anything. imagine when -- could that beginning when you wanted to shake off elvis and get into the buck, and you did research. was there anything? you're a young man. it was there anything that you learned about world war ii that surprised you? >> austin: to me, because i was playing this pilot, it was the statistics. the fact that i didn't think that what they were doing up there was as scary as what was happening on the ground. but when i started you that research and talk to pilots, a few of them are still alive. i got the chance to talk to them and they talked about how terrifying it was when you were in that plane. >> stephen: you got to talk to these men? they have to be in their late 90s. >> austi
. >> stephen: then don't. don't tell me anything. >> austin: the idea -- >> stephen: let's not talk anymore. let's just, we will just sit. we will just stare. i understand. i was hesitant to ask is i don't want to give away an ending or anything like that. i don't want to know if he makes it through the war or anything. imagine when -- could that beginning when you wanted to shake off elvis and get into the buck, and you did research. was there anything? you're a young man. it...
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>> stephen: and us? [singing in japanese] i was not expecting that. >> stephen: one thing that i see that you did, can you tell me what's going on here? what is this? >> anna: we were on set for a very long time and i had to memorize so many lines. in the final edit, they really do it seamlessly. mariko's voice is kind of fading into the background as she translates was very beautiful but onset was translating every single line that the two characters were speaking. and so i took up knitting. >> stephen: you hadn't done it before. >> anna: no, i've never done it before. >> stephen: from 0 to 60 you are doing this kind of work. >> anna: i started with finger knitting, chunky yarn, anyone can do it and then i slowly started getting into crocheting. >> stephen: ten months got you here. >> anna: absolutely, ten months. oh, my gosh, wait, yes. >> stephen: ask what this is? >> anna: i made you something on the way here. >> stephen: what is it? >> anna: it's a case for your glasses. >> stephen: oh, my god. [app
>> stephen: and us? [singing in japanese] i was not expecting that. >> stephen: one thing that i see that you did, can you tell me what's going on here? what is this? >> anna: we were on set for a very long time and i had to memorize so many lines. in the final edit, they really do it seamlessly. mariko's voice is kind of fading into the background as she translates was very beautiful but onset was translating every single line that the two characters were speaking. and so i...
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. >> stephen: we still got it. >> steve: and stephen, i will always be here for you. >> stephen: promise? >> steve: yes, absolutely. anytime i have something to promote. >> stephen: thanks, steve. that means a lot coming from [cheers and applause] thanks, steve. that means a lot coming from an elder. >> steve: by like a year! >> stephen: tick tock, my friend. >> steve: happy birthday, you dusty hag! >> stephen: thank you, you hideous crone. we'll be right back with very old man steve carell! [cheers and applause] ♪ i wanna see all my friends at once ♪ ♪ [droids beeping] [loud indistinct chatter] ♪ [message received tone] ♪ ♪ i wanna see all my friends at once ♪ [find my chime] ♪ ♪ i wanna see all my friends at once ♪ ♪ [find my chime] [in unison] - hey! ♪ [thud] ♪ ♪ i wanna see all my friends at once ♪ inez, let me ask you, you're using head and shoulders, right? only when i see flakes. then i switch back to my regular shampoo. you should use it every wash, otherwise the flakes will come back. tiny troy: he's right, you know. is that tiny troy? the ingredien
. >> stephen: we still got it. >> steve: and stephen, i will always be here for you. >> stephen: promise? >> steve: yes, absolutely. anytime i have something to promote. >> stephen: thanks, steve. that means a lot coming from [cheers and applause] thanks, steve. that means a lot coming from an elder. >> steve: by like a year! >> stephen: tick tock, my friend. >> steve: happy birthday, you dusty hag! >> stephen: thank you, you hideous crone....
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thanks, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. hey! thank you, everybody. welcome to "the late show." please have a seat. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. happy tuesday, everybody. let me be straight with you guys out there watching. i believe our relationship is based on trust. i wish it was based on comedy, but it's mostly trust. here's the deal: i am not here tonight. right now i am flying back from los angeles because last night was the emmys. okay, so, shhh. don't tell me if i won. or if the door on my plane popped off. i don't wanna know. last night was also the iowa caucuses. now, since i actually recorded this monologue last thursday, we have no idea who won. it was donald trump. probably. probably him, hate to say it. [booing] you 'obviously not for myla because they love him in iowa. i think because he has the exact same hair as an ear of corn. they call it the tassels. experts predicted low voter turnout because monday was expected to be "the coldest caucus night weather since the modern nominating
thanks, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. hey! thank you, everybody. welcome to "the late show." please have a seat. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. happy tuesday, everybody. let me be straight with you guys out there watching. i believe our relationship is based on trust. i wish it was based on comedy, but it's mostly trust. here's the deal: i am not here tonight. right now i am flying back from...
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Feb 27, 2024
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. >> stephen, why do people go crazy sometimes? >> stephen: simple, joseph. people go crazy sometimes because we are too tired to go crazy all the time. well, kids, i hope that answers all your questions. parents, your kids have questions at home, post question on social media. we just might feature it in our next installment of... >> stephen colbert talks to children. thanks, kids! when we come back, arnold schwarzenegger takes the colbert questionert. ♪ ♪ [♪♪] how you feel can be affected by the bacteria in your gut. try new align probiotic bloating relief plus food digestion. it contains a probiotic to help relieve occasional bloating, plus vitamin b12 to aid digestion. try align probiotic. to help protect from hiv. i prep without pills. with apretude, a prescription medicine used to reduce the risk of hiv without daily prep pills. with one shot every other month, just 6 times a year. in studies, apretude was proven superior to a daily prep pill in reducing the risk of hiv. you must be hiv negative to receive apretude and get tested before each inj
. >> stephen, why do people go crazy sometimes? >> stephen: simple, joseph. people go crazy sometimes because we are too tired to go crazy all the time. well, kids, i hope that answers all your questions. parents, your kids have questions at home, post question on social media. we just might feature it in our next installment of... >> stephen colbert talks to children. thanks, kids! when we come back, arnold schwarzenegger takes the colbert questionert. ♪ ♪ [♪♪] how...
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May 11, 2024
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>> stephen: okay. what is the scariest animal? >> carol: snake. >> stephen: classic. apples or oranges, carol? >> carol: oh. i like both. apples. [applause] >> stephen: you can't put peanut butter on an orange. have you ever asked someone for their autograph? >> carol: yes. >> stephen: may i ask who? >> carol: linda darnell. you're not going to remember her. but she was one of my favorite actresses when i was a little girl. she was so beautiful and she was from texas. that's where i was born. and my grandmother and i were hanging over the ropes, watching all the movie stars coming in to the premiers. i was 9 years old. linda darnell is walking by. [gasps] and my grandmother, "linda!" grabbed her by the arm. she said "give this little girl your autograph. she loves you." she looked at me and she said "hi, sweetheart. what's your name?" i told her. i'm looking up at this gorgeous face and she's writing it. and i look and her nostrils didn't match. [laughter] they were just a little different shape. you k
>> stephen: okay. what is the scariest animal? >> carol: snake. >> stephen: classic. apples or oranges, carol? >> carol: oh. i like both. apples. [applause] >> stephen: you can't put peanut butter on an orange. have you ever asked someone for their autograph? >> carol: yes. >> stephen: may i ask who? >> carol: linda darnell. you're not going to remember her. but she was one of my favorite actresses when i was a little girl. she was so beautiful...
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Jan 12, 2024
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bit. >> stephen: really? i love your outfit. it's absolutely beautiful. a little chilly. it's cbs. be careful. this is cbs. one of the things he pointed out which i do not realize, you pointed this out. there you are absolutely beautiful. this is also what lenny kravitz wore the golden globes last weekend. now, is this -- wow. >> emily: who wore it best? >> audience: you! >> emily: saw him swaggering across the floor at the golden globes. i preplan this for your show and i thought you know, no, i'm still going to wear it. there something about lenny kravitz that i feel like it's like when he walks in the room, a bus sort of runs over anyone else's cool factor, you know. it sort of becomes vapor. >> stephen: how cool lenny kravitz's, he makes the name lenny sound cool. you look at this guy. give me a shot of this guy. oh, yeah, that's lenny kravitz. if you just looked at this guy, you wouldn't go, his name is lenny. this guy's name is clearly marcus or something. incredible, incredible performance in the movie
bit. >> stephen: really? i love your outfit. it's absolutely beautiful. a little chilly. it's cbs. be careful. this is cbs. one of the things he pointed out which i do not realize, you pointed this out. there you are absolutely beautiful. this is also what lenny kravitz wore the golden globes last weekend. now, is this -- wow. >> emily: who wore it best? >> audience: you! >> emily: saw him swaggering across the floor at the golden globes. i preplan this for your show and...
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Mar 16, 2024
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i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] the big story today is the supreme court once again shoving their gavels up the election. longtime viewers of america will remember that colorado kicked trump off the ballot because of the whole launching a violent coup so he could stay in office, violating the 14th amendment's insurrection clause. well, today, the supreme court said trump can stay on all state ballots in a unanimous ruling. [booing] i agree. it is a ruling that i will remind you no one has to follow, because last week, i declared the supreme court unconstitutional. so... [cheering] you're getting that right? fact check me on that one. i did that, right? so states, feel free to kick him off your ballot -- tell 'em colbert said it was okay. i got your back. you're dealing with me now. that was just the constitution. you're dealing with me now. the justices claim that since different states have different standards for what would qualify as insurrection, conflicting state outcomes would lead to chaos. yes, th
i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] the big story today is the supreme court once again shoving their gavels up the election. longtime viewers of america will remember that colorado kicked trump off the ballot because of the whole launching a violent coup so he could stay in office, violating the 14th amendment's insurrection clause. well, today, the supreme court said trump can stay on all state ballots in a unanimous ruling. [booing] i agree. it is a ruling that i will remind you no...
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Jan 26, 2024
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i'm your host, stephen colbert. we're smack dab in the heart of primary season, and donald trump is out there trying to win over the voters that matter most: his juries. [laughter] today, today... he was back in a manhattan courtroom for the second defamation trial against him brought by e. jean carroll. you remember, last may, a jury found that trump sexually assaulted carroll and then defamed her by lying about it, a crime known in republican circles as "presumptive nominee." now, i'll tell you all about it in the latest installment of our ongoing series... >> road to the white house and/or big house! donald trump v. the people. america decides and/or convicts! >> we are an institute in a powerful death penalty. >> stephen: now, trump actually testified today briefly. of course, the last time trump was allowed to speak in court, it went completely off the rails, which did not escape the man overseeing this case, federal district court judge and batman's backup butler, lewis kaplan. kaplan set very strict guideline
i'm your host, stephen colbert. we're smack dab in the heart of primary season, and donald trump is out there trying to win over the voters that matter most: his juries. [laughter] today, today... he was back in a manhattan courtroom for the second defamation trial against him brought by e. jean carroll. you remember, last may, a jury found that trump sexually assaulted carroll and then defamed her by lying about it, a crime known in republican circles as "presumptive nominee." now,...
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. >> stephen: '74 sounds right. i was sitting in the car and my mom had gone to the winn-dixie grocery store and i was listening to that song in which she came out, she got in the front seat. before she turned the engine, she listened to the lyric and the lyric was "i knew a woman became a wife. these are the very words she uses to describe her life. a good day ain't got no rain and a bad day is when i lie in bed and think of things that might've been." and my mother, went "oh." she goes, "that's true." and i thought what is her interior life like that i know nothing about? i am ten and i'm looking at her going, what don't i know about her life? so thank you for that. [applause] we have to take a quick break. but don't go anywhere. we'll be right back with more paul simon, everybody. stick around. scout is protected by simparica trio and he's in it to win it! simparica trio is the first chew with triple protection. whoa fleas! and ticks! (♪♪) intestinal worms! whoa! heartworm disease! no problem with simparica t
. >> stephen: '74 sounds right. i was sitting in the car and my mom had gone to the winn-dixie grocery store and i was listening to that song in which she came out, she got in the front seat. before she turned the engine, she listened to the lyric and the lyric was "i knew a woman became a wife. these are the very words she uses to describe her life. a good day ain't got no rain and a bad day is when i lie in bed and think of things that might've been." and my mother, went...
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Jan 19, 2024
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stephen, how do you like spelling stephen with a ph? >> stephen: you want to get into that? i know you're a vegan. i was going to be rude about it. there's one correct way to spell stephen instantly st. stephen spells his name. it is ph, not v, and i accept your apology. >> steven: the saint misspelled it. >> stephen: but jesus forgave him because he was a saint. >> steven: but you have an extra letter. it's bad for the environment. >> stephen: it wastes inc.? >> steven: life is so short. you have this extra time in your spelling your name. think of the cumulative -- anyway. >> stephen: this is late night tv. for those of you out there who didn't know, in case you're watching this on youtube or something, we actually record of this very night. and you have a tremendous history with late-night tv. 19 into, you're on johnny carson for the very first time. [applause] get a shot of that, jim. this was before they invented focusing cameras. >> steven: [laughs] >> stephen: can you share the story question why people to understand carson was so big, it would change in comics life i
stephen, how do you like spelling stephen with a ph? >> stephen: you want to get into that? i know you're a vegan. i was going to be rude about it. there's one correct way to spell stephen instantly st. stephen spells his name. it is ph, not v, and i accept your apology. >> steven: the saint misspelled it. >> stephen: but jesus forgave him because he was a saint. >> steven: but you have an extra letter. it's bad for the environment. >> stephen: it wastes inc.?...
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Apr 10, 2024
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. >> stephen! >> stephen: thanks, everybody. how are you? thank you very much. hello! ♪ ♪ hello, my friends. pleas have a seat. hello, hello. [cheering] welcome. welcome one and all. [cheering] welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it was an absolutely beautiful day here in new york city. the sun was shining. 75 degrees. the light was sparkling on the hudson. flowers were blooming in central park. and in lower manhattan, donald trump is going on trial next monday! [cheering] because... why? why? because yesterday, an appeals judge denied trump's 11th hour request to delay the start of the stormy daniels "hush money" criminal trial. now, if you had told stephen colbert as a teenager that one day the former president of the united states would be standing trial for paying off a porn star, that young man would have said, "you have porn? can i trade you? i found a sears catalog in a tree stump in the woods!" you see, trump's lawyers argued that he can't get a fair trial in manhattan, so the judge should postpone the trial indefinitely while they s
. >> stephen! >> stephen: thanks, everybody. how are you? thank you very much. hello! ♪ ♪ hello, my friends. pleas have a seat. hello, hello. [cheering] welcome. welcome one and all. [cheering] welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it was an absolutely beautiful day here in new york city. the sun was shining. 75 degrees. the light was sparkling on the hudson. flowers were blooming in central park. and in lower manhattan, donald trump is going on...
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Mar 12, 2024
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. >> stephen: what do you saying? >> tom: [humming] >> stephen: how does it go over. is it a good audience? >> tom: boopy doopy doo. >> stephen: don't stop. i want to warn our affiliates we might be going long. [laughter] that's wonderful. >> tom: it's a lot of that. >> stephen: that's good. the reason i ask you talk to your son because we had a daughter first and when my daughter was kept on thinking "i can't wait until you can talk back." i can't wait until we can have a conversation. hey, that's a tree. they are great. >> tom: nervous of what he's going to say. yes, of course i want him to speak but i don't want him to start asking difficult questions. >> stephen: those don't come for a little bit. >> tom: how long will i have the advantage? >> tom: until he's 12. >> tom: i need to stay fit. >> stephen: there's that moment when your son goes to grip your hand and does that squeezing contest with you like we men do and he wins. >> tom: yes. >> stephen: that is a significant moment in your life. >> tom: we had a steering competition only yesterday. [laughter] and i w
. >> stephen: what do you saying? >> tom: [humming] >> stephen: how does it go over. is it a good audience? >> tom: boopy doopy doo. >> stephen: don't stop. i want to warn our affiliates we might be going long. [laughter] that's wonderful. >> tom: it's a lot of that. >> stephen: that's good. the reason i ask you talk to your son because we had a daughter first and when my daughter was kept on thinking "i can't wait until you can talk back." i...
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>> stephen: who? who? [laughter] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: when we come back, i ask christopher nolan if even he understands "tenet." stick around. democrats agree. conservative republican steve garvey is the wrong choice for the senate. ...our republican opponent here on this stage has voted for donald trump twice. mr. garvey, you voted for him twice... as your own man, what is your decision? garvey is wrong for california. but garvey's surging in the polls. fox news says garvey would be a boost to republican control of the senate. stop garvey. adam schiff for senate. i'm adam schiff, and i approve this message. >> stephen: and now ladies and gentlemen, the dramatic conclusion of my interview with christopher nolan. spoiler: it's great! do your films have meaning or being? do i have to get your film? or can i experience your film? >> christopher: if you experiencing it, you are getting it. i think where people encounter frustration with my narratives in the past sometimes i think they are slightly
>> stephen: who? who? [laughter] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: when we come back, i ask christopher nolan if even he understands "tenet." stick around. democrats agree. conservative republican steve garvey is the wrong choice for the senate. ...our republican opponent here on this stage has voted for donald trump twice. mr. garvey, you voted for him twice... as your own man, what is your decision? garvey is wrong for california. but garvey's surging in the polls. fox...
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. >> stephen: really? >> trevor: the national anthem you are supposed to play when there is another country in attendance. it's our way of showing you that we like our country. but if you're not there, i don't need to do that. it's the same ways some married couples will only be affectionate when other people around just to show you that they're married. they will be like oh, yes, of course. then when the visitors leave, you are like, what time are we watching... >> stephen: in america, we are the married couple constantly showing affection for each other. isn't that a more healthy relationship, trevor noah? >> trevor: it depends. >> stephen: isn't your metaphor falling apart right now? >> trevor: if you believe it, it's beautiful and that's good. but it's a little different. you asked about the differences. i didn't say it's good or bad. i said it's different. it's weird. every country has weird. please don't get me wrong. >> stephen: we also have the best anthem, though. >> trevor: greatest anthem in the
. >> stephen: really? >> trevor: the national anthem you are supposed to play when there is another country in attendance. it's our way of showing you that we like our country. but if you're not there, i don't need to do that. it's the same ways some married couples will only be affectionate when other people around just to show you that they're married. they will be like oh, yes, of course. then when the visitors leave, you are like, what time are we watching... >> stephen:...
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Jan 18, 2024
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stephen: was it fun? >> juno: not initially. initially it was very comp located because i was supposed to be finishing "ted lasso." >> stephen: for that you have to effective british accent. >> juno: kind of from essex, isn't it. keeley is from exits. we had in my flat, juno's thoughts which are quite difficult. and then keeley and in the beginnings of keeley. it was a moment in time. my brother was coming over for dinner and i tried the minnesota on them than they looked at me and they said "how long have you got before you start?" >> stephen: did that send you into panic? >> juno: absolutely but you work harder at it and when you find the exit you don't want to let it go. i kind of experimented with it and i like to try it out in public so i would do it at airports and stuff to save anybody thought i was being weird or if i got away with it and if i got away with it, i was like "nailing it." yes. >> stephen: and then there are people going, i thought juno temple was british. >> juno: or i thought, keele
stephen: was it fun? >> juno: not initially. initially it was very comp located because i was supposed to be finishing "ted lasso." >> stephen: for that you have to effective british accent. >> juno: kind of from essex, isn't it. keeley is from exits. we had in my flat, juno's thoughts which are quite difficult. and then keeley and in the beginnings of keeley. it was a moment in time. my brother was coming over for dinner and i tried the minnesota on them than they...
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May 14, 2024
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. >> stephen: we still got it. >> steve: and stephen, i will always be here for you. >> stephen: promise? >> steve: yes, absolutely. anytime i have something to promote. >> stephen: thanks, steve. that means a lot coming from [cheers and applause] thanks, steve. that means a lot coming from an elder. >> steve: by like a year! >> stephen: tick tock, my friend. >> steve: happy birthday, you dusty hag! >> stephen: thank you, you hideous crone. we'll be right back with very old man steve carell! ♪ [song playing - here comes the hotstepper by ini kamoze] ♪ man: ooh! ♪ ♪ ♪ woman 1: haha! woman 2: hmm hmm! ♪ woman 3: ha ha! ♪ geico can help when you're locked out with their easy app and 24/7 help. dad, you don't have to make this so tough on yourself. geico is sending someone to unlock our car right now. yeah, but where's the fun in that? whatever you need, get more with geico. all set guys, here are your keys! to help protect from hiv, i prep without pills. with apretude, a prescription medicine used to reduce the risk of hiv without daily prep pills. with one shot every other mo
. >> stephen: we still got it. >> steve: and stephen, i will always be here for you. >> stephen: promise? >> steve: yes, absolutely. anytime i have something to promote. >> stephen: thanks, steve. that means a lot coming from [cheers and applause] thanks, steve. that means a lot coming from an elder. >> steve: by like a year! >> stephen: tick tock, my friend. >> steve: happy birthday, you dusty hag! >> stephen: thank you, you hideous crone....
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Apr 27, 2024
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tell them how to book a flight, stephen. >> stephen: will do, steve. just draw a big x on the ground. maybe out of rocks or something? and we'll try to land there. be patient, though. hot air travel takes time. >> steve: we were born up here! >> stephen: our parents left us in this basket with nothing but a set of adult-sized clothes and a thirst for the sky! >> steve: seagull! [cawing] so book a flight with whitlock's hot air balloon today! >> stephen: we accept all major credit cards. >> steve: or just conversation! >> both: we're so lonely! >> whitlock's hot air balloon! come get high with us! >> stephen: oh, we forgot to mention you can smoke weed up here! >> steve: there are no laws! >> stephen: we'll be right back with steve buscemi! seagull! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ ♪♪ class clowns. old truck. more memories. less sugar. fewer net carbs. fewer calories. the best things in life start with just the right ingredients. better starts with breyers carbsmart. so rich. so indulgent. it's new olay body wash. silky indulgent moisture. bye bye, dry
tell them how to book a flight, stephen. >> stephen: will do, steve. just draw a big x on the ground. maybe out of rocks or something? and we'll try to land there. be patient, though. hot air travel takes time. >> steve: we were born up here! >> stephen: our parents left us in this basket with nothing but a set of adult-sized clothes and a thirst for the sky! >> steve: seagull! [cawing] so book a flight with whitlock's hot air balloon today! >> stephen: we accept...
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Apr 20, 2024
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please have a seat, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome one and all to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] ladies and gentlemen. you know why the excitement of course. it's super tuesday, the biggest single day on the presidential primary calendar, so let's dive right into the story that will impact our nation for generations to come. a chilean tv broadcast cut beer ads into "star wars." that's right. the internet today is abuzz that just moments ago, in 2003, a television broadcast in chile played this actual footage, which, 21 years later, has now gone viral. >> i understand you've become quite a good pilot yourself. and he was a good friend. which reminds me, i have something here for you. your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough. ♪ ♪ cerveza crystal! >> stephen: now, it was subtle, but you may have noticed a tasteful product placement for the chilean beer cerveza cristal. i'm sorry. i mispronounced that ♪ cerveza cristal! â
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Jan 3, 2024
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. >> stephen: yeah. >> nicki: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: all right, listen. something very important happened since the last time you were here. you became a mother. look at you with your beautiful child right there. there you go. that shot right there was part of a beautiful vogue shoot that you did right there. what's the biggest surprise for you about being a mom? >> nicki: i always say, just seeing how much more you can love and how much -- my life was so selfish before he came here. i could do anything i wanted when i wanted. i could take my phone off for days. i could sleep for days. i can travel whenever i wanted to. and since this little human came onto planet earth, i can't do anything without thinking about him first. without thinking about him first. but also there's this thing that happens every day when i see his face, which is more than anything money could buy in the world really and so i'm really happy i pushed him out. >> stephen: i am sure he is too. i'm sure he is too. you publicly call him papa bear. where did that come from? >> nicki: wel
. >> stephen: yeah. >> nicki: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: all right, listen. something very important happened since the last time you were here. you became a mother. look at you with your beautiful child right there. there you go. that shot right there was part of a beautiful vogue shoot that you did right there. what's the biggest surprise for you about being a mom? >> nicki: i always say, just seeing how much more you can love and how much -- my life was so selfish before...
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Apr 11, 2024
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i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] ladies and gentlemen, it is april 10, 2024, unless you live in arizona, where it's 1864, pardner. giddyup. because yesterday, the arizona supreme court reinstated a 160-year old abortion ban. [booing] that is crazy. but remember, it's arizona, so it's a dry crazy. here's what happened. this is fascinating. yesterday, the state supreme court, right? the state supreme court ruled that because roe v. wade had been overturned, nothing prevented arizona from enforcing the 1864 ban, a law so old that it was passed before women had the right to vote. yeah, it's true. to which the arizona supreme court said, "don't worry. we'll work on that one next." now, this law is so old that it predates the invention of the cowboy hat, the urinal, the paper clip, and the machine that makes paper bags. should we really be enforcing laws from an era where the cutting-edge tech was "bag"? also, did you know that in 1864, arizona wasn't even a state. you can't enforce state laws from before it was
i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] ladies and gentlemen, it is april 10, 2024, unless you live in arizona, where it's 1864, pardner. giddyup. because yesterday, the arizona supreme court reinstated a 160-year old abortion ban. [booing] that is crazy. but remember, it's arizona, so it's a dry crazy. here's what happened. this is fascinating. yesterday, the state supreme court, right? the state supreme court ruled that because roe v. wade had been overturned, nothing prevented arizona...
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Mar 21, 2024
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i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] once again, it was an insane day for america, because it was a regular day for donald trump. he had not one, but two criminal trials today. one in new york, one in georgia at the exact same time. the only way to follow all of the action was to have multiple tvs. that's why i watched all the proceedings today at a buffalo wild wings. i had the hot habeas jalapeno poppers. then is this just tomorrow? tomorrow, judge engoron is expected to issue a verdict in trump's $370 million civil fraud trial. and i'll tell you right now. whatever he rules, i believe the verdict is unfair... to me! 'cause i don't have a show tomorrow! and justice delayed is punchlines denied. those three are just today and tomorrow. he's also facing the january 6th trial in washington d.c., the classified documents case in florida, colorado trying to throw him off the ballot for insurrection, and his appeal of the verdict in the e. jean carroll defamation case, in which a jury has already found that trump
i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] once again, it was an insane day for america, because it was a regular day for donald trump. he had not one, but two criminal trials today. one in new york, one in georgia at the exact same time. the only way to follow all of the action was to have multiple tvs. that's why i watched all the proceedings today at a buffalo wild wings. i had the hot habeas jalapeno poppers. then is this just tomorrow? tomorrow, judge engoron is expected to issue a verdict...